California Seeks Permission To Flood Ridgway

The state of California has petitioned the US Bureau of Reclamation to add significant height to the Ridgway Dam, which lies just north and, potentially downstream of the apparently soon to be submerged Town of Ridgway.

According to a fictional permit application made up entirely by us, the purpose of the additional water storage and associated pipeline would “primarily be to create much needed jobs in Ouray County, and only very secondarily, to provide water for two new subdivisions north of Temecula, California, and a bottled water plant currently under construction nearby, thereby creating even more jobs.”

A conflicted and confused Ouray County official has endorsed the plan as a “win-win” opportunity.  In a hastily prepared statement that continued way beyond where it should have, said confused and conflicted public official stated,

“Under this well conceived and very expensively bound plan, the down-trodden and at risk people of Temecula, California will be empowered to share our sparkly clean Rocky Mountain spring water, in BHP- free eco-friendly plastic bottles, not in nasty lead pipes. That part is just a compassionate no-brainier.  Here at home, our ever popular and picturesque village of Ouray gains a new recreational tourist resource, as the shores of Ridgway reservoir slowly fill right up to the newly constructed decks and kids fishing areas along the Boardwalk Shops at Ouray Brewing.”

This same public official closed by offering the statesmanlike and forward-looking thought problem, “What’s not to like?”

Apparently that comment, and parts of the proposal to raise the Ridgway Dam, have rankled some residents of the town of Ridgway, which allegedly lies between the proposed new Ouray shores commercial zone and the Dam itself. Claiming to be able to put two and two together, more than five people have alleged that the town of Ridgway may be flooded entirely and forever under several, if not all proposed but inevitable action alternatives.

An enterprising downtown Ridgway merchant who wishes to remain unanimous, is preparing for a fight, not to mention a new revenue stream, by offering bumper stickers and tee shirts that say “Damn California instead” and “You can’t drink our beer underwater” and the deeply felt “Ridgway. More than just a place to pee.”

Ouray County Planning department officials could not be reached for comment, as they were busy packing the land use office for an upstream relocate along the new Ouray Brewing Boardwalk.  Luckily for democracy and economic growth, leaking documents reveal that any potential downside of flooding the Town of Ridgway will be offset by the project proponent through bribes and construction of a four-lane really smooth bridge across the reservoir providing improved access to Telluride.

Surprisingly, or maybe not, SJH has found that not many people in Ridgway actually care if the town is flooded. Many town residents have accepted the early-adopter enhanced compensation package offered by the joint State of California – Nestlé partnership and are already enjoying their complementary new BBQ set and beach umbrellas. In a stunning show of insight, the Nestlé marketing team calculated that the Town of Ridgway inspires not much loyalty and would be easily thrown under the bus, or in this case, under the new Ouray Lady of the Lake Steamboat Casino, in exchange for a few shiny bangles. Done deal.

– Lina Baquerre