Author Archive for M. Toole

Secret to long life? “Wash your hands”

Former scribe, Melvin B. Toole washes his hands 228 times per day,  The 109-year-old says it has translated into a long, healthy life. 

“Maybe it’s a bit obsessive,” he said, “but I haven’t been sick since 1917.” 

Toole adds that he washes even more more if he’s been working in his garden, changing the oil on his 1926 Henway or playing with his dogs.

“Those mutts never wash much at all unless you count a splash or two in the river as a bath,” he explained. 

“He washes like a madman,” according to his handlers. Despite the application of soap to his hands he remains a person often in need of a shower.”

“Sometimes he smells bad even though his hands are sterilized,” said one.

“He’s invited hundreds of people to his 110th birthday party but he doesn’t know the date. He’ll probably  forget all about the cake too,” she smiled.

-Fred Zeppelin

ANSWERS TO MARCH IQ TEST

1. Probably not

2. The linen closet on a 1958 Oldsmobile

3. Miscellaneous itemized deductions not to exceed 3% of adjusted gross.

4. The outhouse door on a tuna boat

5. Buffalo burgers cause far less gas but are harder to swallow under water.

6. Linseed oil heated to 105 degrees F.

7. Not available without prescription.

8. Hillary Clinton 17, Crocodiles 2

9. Pay-Per-View War

10. Employment of the Devil’s Picture Book turned out to be more effective than collecting all those Iraqi high school year books for positive identification of insurgents. 

RV Zombie Zone Designated

How the Grinch Stole My Eagle

That Bogey man

That Bogey man

I do not like

that Bogey man.

Do you like doglegs

and sand?

I do not like them

Bogey man.

I do not like dog legs 

and sand.

Would you like a shank 

or slice?

Hit a tree

and pay the price?

I would not like a shank 

or slice.

Hitting trees is not so nice.

I would not like them here or there

I would not like them anywhere

I would do not want a Mulligan

I would not need one, Bogey man.

Would you like them

in the rough

Would you like them

like a duff?

I do not like time in the rough

I do not like that kind of  stuff

I want the ball to hit the green

I do not like the 3-putt scene 

Would you putt it

with a wedge

Would you drive it

through a hedge?

I would not putt it with a wedge

I would not drive it through a hedge

I do not like the fairway span

I do not like you Bogey Man.

Would you, could your 

short game lie

Would you leave a shot 

pin high?

I would not hook

a short game lie

I would not leave a shot 

pin high

I do not like your golfer scam

I do not like you Bogey Man

Would you like a bogey score?

Could you drive then just say “Fore!” 

Would you land a back swing 

chip

Would you like your chicken stick?

I do not want a back swing chip

I do not need a chicken stick.

Would you play out in the rain?

Could you drive without disdain?

I will not play out in the rain

Bogey Man you’re such a pain.

I do not like this Bogey score

I got a par on number four

A birdie would be so much fun

or better yet a hole in one.

                             – Kevin Haley

People who live on dirt roads far happier souls

(Djibouti) Human beings who reside on earthen paths tend to be better adjusted and more capable of dealing with life’s often shoddy handouts than counterparts who dwell on asphalt byways. 

     According to an exhausting study compiled by Vacant Lot Magazine, persons who find themselves on more natural footing are healthier and more energetic. The study did not consider cross references to sand and bare feet in the appraisal.

     The data harvested herein reflects on daily rituals of persons living in the rural western United States and those merely existing on the fringe waiting for something of value to occur before lunch.

     Conducted as part of the entrance requirements for the freshman class at Western State University of Gunnison, the examination asks the question: Do you expect to grow corn after the asphalt is down? It in no way attempts to explain dust particles, chuckholes or intrusive rocks on the surface but rather to determine the state of bliss for a small control group oblivious to the benefits inherent to dirt road living.

     “This is not a geological undertaking,” said one professor here. “It is strictly sociological.”

     Since earlier this year groups of prospective students have interviewed hundreds of people living between Parlin and Paradox recording responses to questions equating dirt roads and happiness. At present the group is bivouacked in front of the Ridgway Post Office, acknowledged gateway to some of the finest dirt roads in the nation. Tomorrow the group will ride dirt bikes to downtown Redvale’s backstreets which are said to straddle the 38^th Parallel on its ever-winding way toward Disappointment Canyon. They are then slated to spend the evening at the OK Fellowship Church just west of Bob’s Paving and Live Bait.  

     “A lot of people think this study is ludicrous,” said the faculty advisor, “and then there’s the ones who don’t know the meaning of the word.”

– Sergio Jingles

…the worst of it was that he sincerely believed the gibberish he was talking. Due to an inferiority complex, he had encased himself in an armor of the cheapest nationalism.”

– Rector Francois of National Socialist teacher, Dr Volgelstang in The Oppermanns.

Personas que pasan el 12 % del día cargando dispositivos

(Torres de Omaha) Los seres humanos, obsesionados con los teléfonos celulares, las computadoras portátiles y las tabletas, están invirtiendo grandes porciones de su día en mantener las cosas cargadas. La robo-tarea ha aumentado dramáticamente con la adición de tecnología ampliada según los grupos de vigilancia.

Hay más de 550 compañías de telefonía celular solo aquí en Nebraska. Eso es treinta veces el número de ovejas y cuarenta veces mayor que el número de antílopes, la región menos que estimulante.

Además del tiempo promedio que dedican a la carga, pasan otros 4 minutos pensando en dónde cargar y otros 2,5 minutos pensando en lo que harán mientras se cargan sus dispositivos.

-Judy Sockett

Pregúntale al doctor Ed

Estimado Doctor Ed:

Estoy solo pero odio a la gente. ¿Qué tengo que hacer?

brígida

Estimada Bridget:

Consigue una planta.

Doctor Ed