Author Archive for M. Toole
Bethlehem Innkeepers Still Jerks
Travel in the Mideast
We arrived at Quo Vadis International at noon on a hot desert afternoon, waiting another hour for the rickety bus to the tiny village of Bethlehem. All round us stood Israeli soldiers geared up for who knew what. It was mid-week during the slow season and we had made no reservations. Besides at this early hour we should have the pick of hotel rooms.
Despite the legacy of rude innkeepers in Bethlehem on the horizon, we boarded the bus feeling secure that we would find lodging. In about 40 minutes the bus stopped in front of a nice enough adobe-looking inn on the outskirts of the little town. Several travelers debarked to inquire about prices and availability. The bus driver was more than happy to wait. She smirked, for they would be right back. Sure enough she was right. The innkeeper apologized saying he had no rooms due to some sort of census that was being conducted all over the country. We traveled on.
The next decent place was right in the center of town. Convenient and welcoming it featured a no frills restaurant and a large shaded porch. It would have to do. Now as several of us departed, the driver giggled and pulled over to the side of the road. This time the innkeeper was downright rude. Ridiculing us for not having made reservations ahead he muttered something in contempt and slammed down the shutters. We were now back on the bus with the driver still laughing at us for what now clearly appeared to be poor planning.
One fellow traveler, a Frenchman from Marseille, lamented on the brisk behavior of the innkeepers here. He was certain that they had inherited their manners from Roman times when they first began this accommodation charade. He told us that on his last trip to Bethlehem he had asked at several inns before settling in for the night in a vacant stable on the west side of town. Despite the continued parade of visitors and the presence of livestock he slept well.
Well that was enough.
“Let’s dispense with all this tomfoolery and proceed to that very spot,” we agreed.
Unfortunately when we arrived it became apparent that someone else, a young family with a newborn child had beaten us to the punch. We then specified our search in spite of the irritation of it all.
For more please turn to Joseph Gets Screwed on Endorsements out in the hall
Disgraced Despots Up Up and Away
(Uranus) Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin have reportedly volunteered for a one-way flight to Pluto.
The two waning world icons have reportedly agreed to man a Soviet-era Vostok spaceship aimed at Pluto, according to people familiar with these kinds of things.
The date for the launch is being kept secret due to security concerns.
“Both men are expected to appeal what they call “coerced voluntary actions” on the part of a plethora of a world nations. The former honchos continue to deny collusion including an alleged romantic fling in New Jersey in 2019.
Attorneys for both accidental astronauts fell short of confirming that they had urged Putin and Trump to “take the flight” as anger and accusations burgeon on earth.
“It’s better than dangling at the end of a rope or waltzing into a firing squad,” said one who demanded animosity.
Meanwhile supporters of the two have contributed food baskets, caviar, vodka and diet cokes (Trump doesn’t drink) as well as “just add water” Big Macs.
“I’d go with them,”said one rabid devotee “but there is still work to do down here on earth”.
When asked about potential openings for sociopaths, with the exit of Putin and Trump, one organizer said they would cross that void if it becomes necessary saying privately that he hoped that day would never come.
“Our proverbial ying and yang doesn’t need people like these at the puppet strings,” he stressed offering no comment on rumors that massive spacecraft are under construction to send supporters along “after a while”.
– Small Mouth Bess
“When they’re sending missiles at your families you learn fast.”
– Ukrainian solder getting up to speed on the Patriot missile system
Ouray County Notes
Second-Home Burglary Seminar Slated
(Pleasant Valley) A complimentary seminar undressing burglary of vacant summer homes will be held on April 26 at the Ridgway Homeless Shelter at 8 pm. Due to snowballing interest the organizers of the event are bringing in folding chairs and may provide transportation to work-shop locales all over the county.
Topics include Choosing the Right House For You, Traveling Light-The Right Gear, Impersonating the Propane Man, Wives Should Always Be Lovers and Dealing With Escape & Denial in the Modern Work Place.
Participants will then break up into discussion groups for further planning. Anyone wishing to donate their house should call Helen Waite on her cell phone.
Talking Butts Cancel Concert
In a bit of sad news…the very popular Talking Butts, punk chamber music greats from Pandora, have announced that they will be unable to perform a tentatively scheduled early morning concert as part of Local’s Day at the Durango-Silverton Narrow Gauge Train on October 29
The band cited a conflict with a previously scheduled concert at Boycott the Evil Chains Day arranged by Disappointment Valley Optimists for the same day.
“They could do both concerts but they’re far too self-absorbed and selfish to think about anyone else but themselves,” said Finn McCool, the band’s manager
The TBs, as they are affectionately known, came into their own after gaining questionable notoriety after smoothly executing a private Father’s Day concert for Haitian dictators Papa Doc and Baby Doc Duvalier. Besides frightening goats and alarming the Roman Catholic hierarchy when they set fire to the stage, the Talking Butts succeeded in electrifying the entire city of Port-Au-Prince, but only for a few hours when it was back to the noisy CIA-sponsored, Chinese-made gas generators.
“These bastards are too lazy, far too lazy to get up off their drunken arses to make the early morning appearance in Silverton…the gobsheens!” continued McCool. “Drug addicts and perverts the lot of them the night before every show. Sure, write whatever you want in your silly newspaper. I’ll just deny it later.”
Mad Evangelist Disease Detected Here
(Ouray County) Traces of Mad Evangelist Disease have been detected along the Billy Creek school bus route substantiating allegations that the much maligned Bibles for Bananas Program has been funneling money to off-Broadway survivalist sects. The corruption, which was once believed to be contained, has proven to be more rampant than expected.
“Hey, we’re all human,” said Windy Turtaffe, acting comptroller of BFB. “Everyone gets their fingers in the cookie jar from time to time.”
Recent calls for the assassination of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro Moros has brought this mangy melodrama to a head, according to health officials here. Astounded secularists say the words echoed are like those whispered by the Pharisees a long, long time ago.
“They base their beliefs on the philosophies of another victim who was taken out because he was also in the way of theological and (in the end) pecuniary interests,” said the official. “Then they turn around and call for more blood. I don’t get it.”
“It’s all semantics,” said Turaffe, “and twisting of the truth by the liberal, prodigal press,” he said. Take him out could have easily meant out to lunch or out to dinner…
Machete Bar to Feature Quilt Show, Tea
(Ridgway) The landmark Machete Bar, located in the bad neighborhood here, will present its First Annual Tiara Quilt Show and Tea as part of Anarchist’s Alpine Holiday on June 31. The display, will wind some six miles from the Old School to what was once Ridgway Mercantile and now houses a boutique for pets. All proceeds from quilt sales will go toward paying the bar’s liquor bill. The public is encouraged to attend but asked to leave weapons and bad attitudes at home.
Evidence Surfaces in case of Vanished River Road Wag
(Ridgway) The mysterious disappearance of Miller Mesa woman Ruthie Roosterson has been linked to outdated wrinkle cream which friends she regularly applied “like honey to a fresh sopapilla”. Late yesterday police began to put the investigation together when several tubes of the cream were found outside the woman’s shack on the River Road which connects Ouray to Ridgway. They are calling it Exhibit A, just like on the television courtroom dramas.
“She looked like an ice cream cone one day and a whitewashed fence the next,” said neighbor Lillian Snodgrass of the Crested Butte Snodgrasses. “We all warned her but the lure of the stuff was too much. I don’t know if it actually gets rid of wrinkles but it appears to have gotten rid of Ruthie.”
Readers may recall that Roosterson once wrapped porterhouse steaks around her neck then drove around with her Rotweiller in the front seat of the pickup to test his loyalty and love. It didn’t work out and soon the dog ran off anyway. That’s when the wrinkles started appearing, as if from nowhere.
“That ungrateful fek’,” continued Snodgrass. She cooked for him. She cleaned for him and he trades her off for a younger piece of meat. He never did like my cookin’ either,” she spat.
Local authorities have pledged to get to the bottom of the disappearance as soon as Roosterson’s net worth can be established.
-Fred Zeppelin
China to send aid to Puerto Rico
(San Juan) In what leaders in the US are calling “provocative action” the People’s Republic of China has pledged to send disaster relief to the island of Puerto Rico, an unincorporated territory of the United States.
Despite the saber rattling in Washington, China is stockpiling food, water and computer parts destined for the weather-riddled Caribbean colony that has received little or no “up north” help since the days of Donald Trump and Hurricane Nicole.
“We see an opportunity to extend our influence in the Caribbean,” said a Chinese news release, “and are responding to our humanitarian sense of justice. The United States has dropped the ball and we are simply kicking it onto the beach again.”
It was not clear if the gesture would provoke positive response on the part of the US or if an ongoing global feud would once again leave the needs of the populace in the dust.
Meanwhile locals say that any help would be appreciated and hoped for egg roles and installation instructions in Spanish, the common language on the island.
“We remind China of the protectorate it never has had,” said one victim of tropical storms who has yet to receive a thatched roof that was promised back in 2021. “My name is Monroe and my doctrine is a simple one: Talk is cheap. Building supplies are not,” he said.
-Pepper Salte
“…Report us fairly
how we slaughter
for the common good”
–Seamus Heaney in “Kinship”
City, hospital teaming up on sleep disorder syndrome
(Montrose) The City of Montrose and Montrose Memorial Hospital will cooperate in an experimental procedure linking council meetings with out-patient therapy. Starting this week patients of the hospital, suffering from sleep disorders, will begin keeping minutes at legislative sessions. Doctors expect that the action will put them to sleep.
Attendance will be mandatory for all receiving treatment.
“Who knows,” said one source, “maybe some of these tired novices will run for elected office themselves someday thus completing the cosmic circle.”
Officials at both institutions hope that this move will relieve symptoms of the illness while researchers search for a cure. If this doesn’t work patients may be forced to watch Rockies’ games on television through the summer.
Anyone wishing to join in this flowering marriage between health and politics is invited to attend, however space is limited and guests are reminded that there is no eating or drinking in council chambers. Alcohol is prohibited until after the meeting is concluded.
“As soon as an infant passes through the birth canal he/she has a pre-existing condition.” – Dr. Pilar Riosucio in Sabe Nada, Los Herman’s de Testosterone, Bogota
Sage Grouse Surrender
(Gunnison) The last remnants of the 101st Mobile Sage Grouse battalion, that has operated near Parlin for centuries, has surrendered to a group of environmentalists here. According to unreliable sources the capitulation took place just after dawn yesterday.
Citing increased publicity regarding their plight the birds agreed that they could no longer hold out.
“There have been over 300 stories about the endangered status of our species,” said one hen. “Well I’m here to tell you that we still exist, despite all the obsession about our well being. It’s a privacy thing. You journalists wouldn’t understand,” she said.
After being taken into custody, the birds are expected to be housed in makeshift camps along Tomichi Creek until suitable homes can be located. In addition, animal behaviorists, living amid the flock, will be able to tabulate mating habits and social norms in an attempt to preserve the species for future generations to enjoy.
As the curtain went down on the camps last night another crisis appeared to be averted as it was determined that the grouse preferred pretzels to potato chips and that flying around in cramped spaces was becoming a hassle.
“OK so we’re here,” continued the hen, “the least we can do is make the best of it. These people need to lighten up, get a smile on their beaks and enjoy life. Species, like empires, come and go. What’s important is to keep your feathers straight while you’re here.”
“I feel a lot better knowing the sage grouse are safe what with all those lynx and wolves running around,” said one county commissioner. “Now if we could get the cows to work on the highways we’d be in high cotton.”
– Fred Zeppelin
The United States is the only nation with more civilian guns than people, with about 120 guns for every 100 Americans,
