Author Archive for M. Toole
Trump Creeps Ahead of Putin in Bible Sales
With the final competition winding down Donald Trump remains slightly ahead of Vladimir Putin in the 2024 Sinner’s Salvation Bible Sales Competition.
In his rookie season, Putin, who has always been thought of as an party-line atheist, has shown keen response and swift service depending on which way the wind blows. Trump, on the other hand is an old hand at flimflam and was highly favored to dominate the competition only days ago.
Both men are friends of a sort, often working together to achieve mutually beneficial ends and keep hold on power in their respective nations. Each has targeted control groups that are most likely to drop $60 on a Bible.
While Putin’s Bibles are Russian Orthodox and feature photos of Joe Stalin, Vladimir Lenin Boris Yeltsin and Rasputin. He has achieved almost methodical success relying only on the passage “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” which appeals to many Russians who have neither. Trump’s holy books feature copies of the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights which neither has perused. Some contain discount coupons to fast food restaurants.
Already a majority of consumers have expressed dissatisfaction with the quality of the Bibles, made in Saudi Arabia. Some of Putin’s stock are regularly derailed and sent to gulags. Some show up late, with pages missing. Some shipments of Trump Bibles are no more than recycled Beijing phone books, according to middlemen in Singapore.
Meanwhile Mouse Democrats who haven’t bought any Bibles at all, say the two leaders will meet in on the western shore of Ellef Ringnes Island in the Sverdrup Islands, in the territory of Nunavut in Canada and be eaten by polar bears, fortunate enough to have survived global warming up until now.
They have accused Trump of aggravated raison d etat with respect to “lies, last breaths and 18th Century pistol duels”. Putin’s sales figures remain astounding considering his limited knowledge of the content of the scriptures.
“Frankly, since it wasn’t about me, I saw no reason to read the thing,” he shared through a translator.
Could Rockies lose 100 games before the All-star break?
According to a little used and highly controversial formula, the Colorado Rockies could lose 100 games by the end of July. Citing the same infinite and collateral math used in Monfort slaughter houses in Greeley, some doomsayers estimate that it could be even worse by September.
Called a “poorly concocted and hapless calculus projection” by front office executives, the emerging consensus stops short of blaming rosin or eye black in the drama. Most look at the ledger sheet.
“They are diverse. They lose in all sorts of creative ways whether it’s bad defense, poor relief pitching, or the ugly strikeout ratio,” said one longtime baseball fan reflecting on the days of the Denver Bears.
When asked how a team could lose 100 games or more when they had only played 62 by the All-Star break one cynic said,” We are aware of those combative and breathy numbers but our formula overrides reason since there is very little reason to watch the Rockies play at this juncture.”
The formula: (whb x 9 = xyz/+ abc (assimilated bounce factor) x 123 probability : “quagmire” = losing culture x 10.5 + dh/Bud/bullpenpals.com) has, of corpse, yet to play out and the team has yet to act in any last ditch efforts at respectability.
Sherrir Montage, a former Weld County Rodeo queen, employed by the Monfort Dynasty, returned our phone call lauding the team’s victory, (was it last week?) and said these predictions were nonsense.
“These are definitely not baseball people,” she added.
Despite all of this many still contend that the Rockies real problem began back in 1990 with the arrival of a very lame logo. CR? That’s it? CR what? Compare if you will team logos for the Pirates, the Orioles, the Athletics or the Giants. Now there are some logos that round the bases and head home. And the license plate uniforms should be worn only in the bullpen with the lights off. Is this keystone fashion statement akin distraction in the late innings. If the opposing dugout is laughing they can’t hit the ball out of the park?
Chatter around the hitting cage has it that baseball deserves a brushback pitch or two after abandoning tradition and joining the money parade that has all but engulfed professional as well as amateur sports.
A very rocky situation here: Why have parking fees and beer prices increased in the Blake Street Terrarium? Why are the nachos still so soggy? How many jingoistic hymns are needed at Coors Field? Is it worthwhile to pray for the starting rotation?
“What are we supposed to do,” asked one embarrassed season ticket holder, “wait until the beer guys start calling in sick?”
Leaving us with that one gnawing, persistent, and agonizing question in our quest to secure the Catbird Seat in October: Are Bud Black and Joe Biden one and the same person?
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Blockbuster Trade sends Russell Wilson
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On Lifestyles at Risk
Demasiados graves son perjudiciales para las dentaduras postizas
(Colona) Los usuarios de dentaduras postizas pueden correr un riesgo extremo cuando se los somete a tonos bajos o vibraciones comunes de los equipos estéreo de los automóviles. Según los principales grupos de consumidores, la exposición regular a ondas graves fuertes y fuertes no sólo es tediosa e inquietante para los oídos, sino que también puede provocar un rápido deterioro y rechazo de las dentaduras postizas, o dientes postizos, como se los conoce más comúnmente.
Según los expertos, no importa qué tan bien se ajuste la dentadura postiza a la boca, los decibeles bajos tendrán efectos adversos hasta en el 95% de los casos examinados. En algunos casos raros, los dentistas han descubierto que las dentaduras postizas se desprenden después de sólo un breve periodo de tiempo. Generalmente se necesita repetición y exposición continua a este tipo de sonidos pero los resultados son casi siempre los mismos.
“Queremos advertir especialmente a los abuelos que conducen con sus nietos”, dijo Suzie Compost, una portadora de dentaduras postizas convertida en activista después de que su dentadura postiza saliera volando de un descapotable lanzando a todo volumen un brebaje de rap en auge. Íbamos conduciendo cuando sentí que mi dentadura postiza se aflojaba y se soltaba. Antes de que pudiera reaccionar, ya no estaban”.
Según otros conductores, la parte superior muy maltratada resbaló del parabrisas, se estrelló contra un poste de luz y se estrelló contra el pavimento antes de ser recuperada de una zanja. Los bajos aún están por recuperarse.
Incluso las personas que poseen sus masticadores originales pueden ser víctimas del golpeteo del bajo, según los expertos, que dicen que ninguno de los sentidos está equipado para soportar el ataque.
“Afortunadamente, la mayoría de los usuarios de prótesis dentales son mayores y no ven los beneficios de esta expresión musical”, añade Compost.
-Dolores Alegria
Embattled Border – Threads of Chaos
Up here in the Andes at 7000 feet the electricity goes off at least three times a day but the birds stay on, but just a little bit north all hell has broken loose, and we can safely say it has reached Biblical proportions…
It appears that elements in the Texas police and Natural Guard may have crucified a man whose name was reportedly Jesus Something or other…Martinez or Garcia, maybe……..It’s all very muddy this morning.
According to law enforcement officials, who denied any links to the “lynching”, ”We couldn’t find any nails so we had to used 2-penny fear as our gritty adhesive.”
Gov Brer’ Rabbit called the violence an unfortunate accident and suspended all search and destroy operations in a lame attempt to avoid resurrecting recurring problems along the Rio Grande. He quickly issued a rare apology before retracting it, and issuing it again in the face of jitterbug polls while a mountain of madness is deposited at his well-heeled feet.
In other news another man named Jesus was turned away at the border by border vigilantes.
“He looked Jewish enough but otherwise he resembled a lot of them that’s at the gate,” they reported.
And now the Roman Catholic Church, no johnny-come-lately to the fairy tale business, wants to build a massive basilica on the now hastily sanctified spot, while activists asked why the ultra-wealthy Vatican isn’t sharing its fortune with these desperate refugees instead. Ojala.
Meanwhile live from his tax-exempt strip mall chapel Dallas Reverend of Divinity Billy-Roy Shanker, an avid freedom stalwart and self-appointed fisherman of souls, chimed in:
“If Jesus was here today he’d be embarrassed by the behavior of most of his followers who call themselves after him…but he’s not here so feel free to continue your current behavior until he gets here. You’ll be forgiven, just be generous with the collection plate.”
Readers may recall that earlier this month yet another man fitting the description of the legendary prophet was run out of town after attempting to thwart armed Christian vigilantes in their right to defend the a golf course from refugee hordes . He said his name was Jesus too.
“Then after claiming to have been sent from on high, he actually came into our gated Mega Church and started telling us what to do,” said one churchgoer. “The Nerve! Some of our patrons said he had his dirty hands all over the hymnals. And the way he dressed! Good God!”
“It’s the post-Easter Season, you know after La Semana Borachas…We always see this kind of behavior in coordination with the crucifixion and the return from the dead stuff, Slicke punctuated. “The faithful clog the highways looking for another miracle. Then all the Resurrection Deniers come out of the woodwork. It’s cyclical.”
-Clara Biddy
*Billy-Roy Shanker gained national notoriety for his savage attack on voice lessons saying they are the Devil’s workshop. Bad sounding hymns, off-key, tedious and piercing, offended neighbors while dogs dogs whined and howled. “We sound beautiful. God likes our music. Brothers and sisters: Can’t you hear that almighty foot a tapping’ away?” That’s all that matters,” Shanker had claimed at the time.
Buscando a Dios en todos los lugares equivocados
Senors y senoras:
Cuál es el número de Dios?
El Ser Supremo finalmente tiene teléfono celular?
Alguien por ahí tiene el nuevo número?
Pistacho Pete, Limbo
Estimado Pistachio Pete:
Sí, pero en este momento Dios no lo ha dado.
Para darle un toque local a la eterna pregunta:
(Montrose) El guerrero espiritual, el reverendo Phil Pharisee del Templo del Amor, de Ensimismamiento y Asimilación Sacrificial, abordará la pregunta penetrante: ¿Tiene Dios un teléfono celular? el viernes por la noche en el Armageddon Bingo Hall en East Main. El aparcamiento es gratuito y se servirán embutidos. Trae un pescado tapado y whiskey por los pobres.
Classified
Looking for regular work from home? Why not try addressing historical injustices…? We need literate historians for our expanding Latin American office. Legible handwriting a plus as is neatness and clear view of right from wrong. Piece work. No investment required. No risk to you. We provide the stamps and envelopes too! Chronic denial could be a stumbling block in some cases but counseling is available. Taco Frontiers, El Paso.
Parting out what was once the GOP. 25% off Integrity, truth, leadership. Morality are on the cutting block all weekend. Two for one election officials. Cheap bald tires, broke odometer/low mileage, slightly cracked windshield, air-conditioning still works, mechanic’s manual signed by Ways and Means stalwarts, lots of extras unqualified to work anywhere else. Big Mitch’s Bargain Barn. First people in the door will be born again.
Will the red-haired woman I met on the banks of Gurly Ditch tell her brothers over at Bullfrog Reservoir that I was just a-funnin’ with you and that I don’t want to end up “face down in Terrible Creek”. Tell ‘em the part about where I saved you from a black bear and bought you ice tea on the way home. Thanks Samson Dwill, Sams Drop-off.
Organically Martian funerals – space shots with Stiffs to the Stars. Why rent a Hearse went you can buy your very own composting module?
In other developments heaven will use possession arrow in 2022. Jump balls at the Pearly Gates.
Bad Tuna Aftershave is now available in the easy open Bota Bag. Musick’s Cordials since before pantyhose and after breakfast bars.
Domestic militiamen needed now to protect us from ourselves. Apply at any Denny’s.
Know your own history or perish: Did the Black Plague, carried by fleas on rats, get a leg up because the Catholic Church considered cats to be satanic? Did the bishops encourage the faithful to kill them, thus dispensing with a natural enemy.
