Author Archive for M. Toole

Survivalists Like Elkton

(Crested Butte) A survivalist group has named the community of Elkton to its list of the Top Ten Most Liveable Towns in America according to Assault Life, a cult publication out of Northern Idaho. Elkton was named due to its pleasant climate, its ethnic makeup, accessibility in the winter, and proximity to a major third world ski area.

Towns do not qualify for this honor because they support any one group over another or because they have expressed a fondness for any one political or social orientation. They are so listed because of their envisioned potential for riding out a military crisis. The storage of food and weapons as well as the privacy to conduct the business of defense were also major considerations in the voting.

The group calling itself The Lighter Shade of Pale Brotherhood ranked Elkton, located some seven miles north of here up Washington Gulch as number three on its annual register. Beating out Elkton were Deadhorse, Alaska (first) and Ouelette, Maine (second). Other communities receiving recognition in the top five were Grand Isle, Louisiana; Rexford, Montana and Orkney, Saskatchewan as the Pale Brotherhood leaves something to be desired in the fields of math and geography.

Congressional Airways

Arrivals and Departures, June 2024

Arrivals

Caspian Sea to China Oil Pipeline ON TIME

Invasion of Iran ON TIME

Syrias Interruptus ON TIME

Military Spending ON TIME

Homeland Security Charade ON TIME

Departures

Bill of Rights CANCELED

National Health Care Package DELAYED

Focus on Border Policy with Mexico DELAYED

Funding for Education DELAYED

The Environment FLIGHT TERMINATED

The Economy STILL UP IN THE AIR

          -source Operation Mullah for Lunch, 2003

Rent-to-own ad space

In a flippant, all but haphazard response to diminished incomes in the newspaper rank and file, sanjuanhorseshoe.com is now offering doddering clients something concrete, personal and innovative. Much like a time-share, this acquisition is smooth and secure with a healthy down payment. Combining data collected from the War on Terriers, Slugs and Communism the transaction takes just minutes Here’s how she works: A business purchases a week of ads at $200. It then receives 200 Boner Points toward the eventual purchase of the rectangular spot (mortgage marketing  measure) on the semi-prestigious  sanjuanhorseshoe.com website. Most spaces run between 75,000 and 800,000 Boner Points, an easily attainable status, usually taking less than a year, depending on purchases.

Instead of throwing good money to the wind, we now see those funds invested in empowerment, in communication, in ego, in fear… intangible ad spaces—a great investment! The advertiser is actually building equity while promoting his agenda. A boon against inflation!

All solar-powered ad spaces are now off the grid, powered by promises and off-shore windmills along the Colorado and Green Rivers. Organic refuge, long the fodder for editorials,  is today composted somewhere in the West End in an attempt to placate the Uranium Gods of yesteryear. Everything is recycled and collected by maintenance crews responsible for cleaning and lawn work.

Whether or not advertisers could sell their time-shared spaces down the road, sub-lease the ad space, or transfer services in promotion of specific products has yet to be discussed. Questions as to the validity of ownership and the conceptual ramifications of these acquisitions were not undressed at any public meetings*.

Once the ad space is the property of the advertiser he can reshape it, remodel it or use it as a rooster cave or hen parlor. Heavily monitored by Doomsday Partners, the Land’s End Coalition and your local police academy, one software giant surmised that a success here could go a long way toward solving the housing crisis in the country, repair failing infrastructure and provide clean air and water for all. She did not elaborate.

– Uncle Pahgre

*sanjuanhorseshoe.com takes no responsibility for lost items while on site. Please watch you belongings.

LOCAL CAVE RENDERINGS SHED LIGHT ON EARLY HUMANS

(Continued from confront page)

and it appears from these cave etchings that the Neanderthal had not grown accustomed to their newly emerging thumb structure and had to rely on Denizen underlings to rescue baked potatoes from the roaring flames of the campfire. These ragamuffin cohorts would often harvest cannabis and act as porters for the larger humans even though they were notorious stay at homers.

This friendly tidbit of Colorado Plateau history brought to you compliments of

Jing and Jang Penny Bank — Your bank but not your bank.

GET A JUMP START ON THE SUMMER WITH KASHMIR’S COCKTAILS

Sick of slamming beers or sipping gin and tonics with a wedge of lime on a hot afternoon? You’re not? Perfect. Here then are some indigenous alcoholic offerings to see you through those tough days at work or the lonely hours before the welfare check arrives.

GIN AND RUNOFF. Why waste perfectly good bottled drinking water when there’s a parasitic stream nearby. After about six of these babies everyone will be in the pool. You can bet on it! Make sure to rinse the sand and gravel out of the pitcher on each application. We suggest a cheap gin served in a martini glass or a plastic cup.

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL. Somewhat radical in application but certain to satisfy. Can be made with rum or gin for a summer treat but generally concocted with Russian vodka straight out of the trough. Allow basic ingredients to mellow for at least three hours before consumption. Beats the hell out of most of Mr. Boston’s offerings and/or the manufactured wine cooler. A-9 on our map.

TROUT AND TONIC. When will it all end? This is another stream-side cocktail preferred by thirsty fishermen everywhere. Make sure to get the hook out before chugging! Dip your catch in a glass of tonic, garnish, then enjoy. Only 300 calories per fish!

THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR COOLER. A regional favorite especially along the Mason-Dixon Line, this mixture demands a shot of Southern Comfort with a bottle of Narraganset lager. First: Open the Narraganset. Smell that aroma. Take a swallow (swaller if you are in a border state). Then quickly refill that empty space with the Southern Comfort. After a few of these you’ll look like a southern belle lobster on ‘ludes. Hey it’s summer. You’re reasonably young. Hangovers always go away.

MINT JULEP W/ SIDE OF GRITS. This is the one they’re raving on about in Oxford, Mississippi! Sure, it’s just the old standby with a mint leaf clinging to a long-stemmed party glass but the grits…They say it all, y’all. Show your friends that being an afternoon lush can be amusing as well as tasteful. We suggest low cholesterol grits which can be had at any progressive liquor outlet.

JACK DANIELS AND ASPARAGUS JUICE. Made popular at the Crested Butte Athletic Club. It offers a nice kick while remaining on the healthy side of life. For a special treat add a splash of ditch water and top off with your favorite pollen.

ROAD KILL COLADA. Are you short of ice? This one can be enjoyed hot or cold on or off the highway. Just add your favorite mix. Suggestions are prairie dog and pineapple, magpie slush and blended venison grog.

HULA-HOOP TEA. Combine gin, bourbon, rum, scotch, vodka, brandy, cream de menthe and top off with imported beer. Imbibers will soon jump through hoops or anything else nearby.

LOAF OF BREAD AND A JUG OF MILK. This is simply a shot and a beer and has been a code word for sneaky sippers needing to get out of the house since Oliver Cromwell was a boy..

We hope you will experiment with all of these somewhat delicious KASHMIR COCKTAILS and effectively fall off your bar stool long before the leaves fall off the trees. Note: These drinks can be served in a non-alcoholic state by substituting yogurt and/or sprouts for the booze. Vegetarians are instructed to call the Wyoming Beef Council before digging as hidden underground cable could define the availability of crushed ice.

Master Algonquian with the Yaocomaco on St Mary’s Peninsula, Maryland. Two and six week courses now forming.

Includes meals and fishing gear. Greene Exit. Keep left.

WORDS USED IN THIS ISSUE

cheeseparings – cheese peels, saved only by the very poor or the tightwad; worthless scraps, miserly economizing; scrimping.

omphaloskepsis – meditation while gazing at one’s naval.

exarch – 1.) a Byzantine big shot. 2.) a Bulgarian ecclesiastical big shot. 3.) an ecclasiastical batman.

scansorial – pertaining to, capable of or adapted for climbing.

patriot – one who loves, supports and defends his country. Term first associated with those who rebel against an oppressive government.

chaology – the study of chaos.

democracy – rule by the majority.

pollard – 1.) an animal that has lost its horns 2.) a severely pruned tree 3.) to kill rabbits by feeding them poisoned grain.

pozzy-wallah – a jam lover (British slang).

flapdragon – a game of catching candy from burning brandy.