Author Archive for M. Toole
Western Slope Report
with Uncle Pahgre
Hispanics May Have Settled Southwest First
(Ridgway) Researchers here at the Cookie Tree Institute are suggesting that Latinos may have been the first Europeans to inhabit the Southwestern United States. They insist that mounds of discovered artifacts, language and cultural deposits and architectural styles common to the Iberian Peninsula present conspicuous evidence that the place was home to peoples from Mexico and Spain long before it was owned and operated by gringos and persons of Northern European ancestry.
The genetics of the locale point to a longstanding Hispanic population that arrived in the 1500s and fought with native groups already in residence. This historic contingency appears to be supported by the writings of the first mountain men, from east of the Mississippi who often intermarried and lived in pueblos like Taos and the missions of California.
“What tipped the scales are the names of all the towns like Santa Fe, Chama, Del Norte and San Luis.” said one researcher. “We noticed a slew of these names on maps and confirmed them with on-site visits. Why would these towns be named this way if they were established by anyone else?”
Whether or not this study will help to alleviate problems related to illegal aliens arriving here to work has yet to be determined but the term reverse manifest destiny has been introduced in whispered conversations as far east as Baltimore.
Many current gringo residents have taken offense to the allegations saying that the data collected was one-sided and inappropriate.
Take local pronunciation of Buena Vista and Salida for instance,” said Earl Cowbutte, or Parlin. “Do these sound like Spanish names to you?”
Reaction across the country was a mixture of anger and indifference.
“Cut the bleeding heart crap and show me a deed,” said Cal Cajun, a developer in Albuquerque, who has built over 50 gated communities here since the 80s. “It’s all just talk without documentation.”
Madeline Althare, a Congressperson from New York had another angle: “Who cares who lived there or lives there today. It’s all a bunch of cactus and rattlesnakes with abandoned cars and junk trailers all over. I saw it on Discovery or in the Times.
Meanwhile the excavations go on and the ascertains grow stronger every day. Native American groups, offended that they were not introduced into the formula say they will boycott a coming vote that would give Arizona back to Mexico for cash and a player to be named later.
Liberals form gun club
(Gunnison) The Ted Kennedy Rifle Range opened its doors today as thousands of closet liberals flocked to the spot to scope in rifles and take target practice. Many long identified left-wingers have given their blessing to the creation of the facility due to what they see as a growing rift between the left and the right in this country.
“The levels of intolerance are burgeoning what with hate talk radio and White House arrogance,” explained Adlai Leghorne, who donated the 5 acre property adjacent to the local identity theft impound lot east of town. “We just want to send a clear message that, if attacked, we are prepared to fight back.”
The gun club consists of ½ mile of open field ranges, over 40 targets and a gun shop where members can purchase weapons and ammunition at discount prices. Perceived as a group that opposes the proliferation of firearms and the more peaceful, passive way, these liberals are spending money like nobody’s business, arming themselves to the teeth.
“We are beginning to grasp the importance of the Second Amendment especially when it comes to deterring undemocratic government and responding to threats both domestic and foreign,” said Leghorne.
Unconfirmed sources say the membership has been shooting off rounds and experimenting with a myriad of explosive devices.
“We can see them training early in the morning,” said one neighbor. “The bayonet drills are quite impressive.”
Sociologists fear that the right-wing threat, perceived or imagined, has generated this backlash among people who traditionally have preferred passive response to aggressive tactics.
“The Left is making a statement,” said one expert on social behavior at Taylor Park Military Academy. “It’s no longer business as usual. Now liberals are prepared to shoot back…and with accuracy.”
Whether this will help balance the factions or create even more separation in the future is anyone’s guess.
“The gov’ment and the rich warlords that run this country seek to split the populace in a classic divide and conquer maneuver that has worked quite well up until now,” added Leghorne. “What both the liberals and conservatives don’t comprehend is that they have one common enemy…the feds. It is clearly within the scope of consciousness that the gov’ment rules by control with agencies such as the illegal Internal Revenue Service and the Federal Reserve Board poised on the front line of this struggle. As long as we continue to fight each other we may never get around to chasing these pirates out of office.” – Kashmir Horseshoe
A los lanzadores de relevo de los Rockies se les pidió que empacaran “bolsas de resina””a
(Denver) Con carteles que dicen: “Haré strikes por comida” y “Limosna para los ciegos”, seis ex lanzadores de relevo de los Rockies de Colorado fueron desalojados de la casa club del equipo esta mañana cuando llegaban a trabajar.
“Odiamos tomar esta acción”, dijo una fuente del club, “pero las cosas se habían salido de control ya que los jugadores estaban atrasados en el alquiler del montículo y habían dormido repetidamente durante las tareas de relevo de la entrada media a pesar de varias advertencias”.
La fuente sugirió que el personal de relevo estaba brindando poco alivio de cara a las últimas entradas.
“Otros equipos cuentan con una segunda línea de defensa, después de la sexta”, dijo, “pero no logramos salir de la quinta y para la octava estamos orando por el final de la novena con dolor de cabeza y una situación inquietante”. marcador para que todos lo vean. Que Dios nos ayude si nos aventuramos en entradas extra”.
La fuente se estremeció cuando se le preguntó dónde irían los desventurados lanzadores, ahora sin hogar, insinuando que podrían ponerse al día con el circo.
If Cowboy Poets Wrote Nursery Rhymes
Initially space alloted for this piece was supposed to focus on the infant Presidential campaign with its blabbering, old white man canes, elder-colic and loaded Depends, but after a few minutes of scrutinizing the mess it was decided that our readers might like High Plains Culture Hour instead.
We wondered that if the classic children’s nursery rhymes had been penned by long rider poets in pointy boots, brush-fire mustaches and cowboy hats the subjects might have leaned more toward a more bucolic posture. Here are a few gems found while pecking around in the bunkhouse. We call them Buckaroons.
Little Miss Prattle…
sat in the saddle
checking her spurs and bay,
when along came a rider
saying circle much wider
or you’ll chase all the mavericks away.
***
Mary had a can of chew…
its leaves were black as coal
and everywhere that Mary went
she brung that tin of skoal.
It followed her to school one day
which was agin’ the rule,
and all the children took a pinch
then sat and played it cool.
***
Tenderfoot Aspire…
sat by the camp fire
eating his biscuits and bacon
With his new cowboy clothes
he struck up quite a pose
and cried: Buckaroos, “I’m just fakin’.”
***
Sing a song of six-guns…
belly full o’ hoots,
four and twenty tinhorns
shakin’ in their boots.
When the smoke had cleared up
I heard the gunman wail
“Wasn’t that a clever way
to spend the night in jail.”
***
Hickory, dickory, dense…
the cows got out the fence
Which lazy wrangling dunce
is liable for these stunts?
Hickory, dickory, dense
***
If all the work was round-ups…
and all the girls wore mink
And all our mounts ate tater chips
what would there be to drink?
***
Hark, hark…
it’s gettin’ dark
The chuckwagon’s gone lame.
Our dinner’s late
but leave a plate
for breakfast – much the same.
– Kevin Haley
Wal-Mart Completes Money Chute
(Montrose) A great-winged, high capacity money chute connecting this local Wal-Mart store to its parent corporation in Arkansas is now completed. The chute, or cash spout as it is called in Bentonville, assures the smooth, uninterrupted flow of currency out of this retail facility and into the pockets of Wal-Mart executives.
“Why deal with local banks when we can ship the cash out every night?” asked one local manager.
The chute, constructed of corrugated steel, features a money wash, a currency sorter and a system of intricate credit card checking devices aimed at fighting fraud. It rests under the hundred or more handicapped parking spaces in front of the store which are seldom used. Digital access is limited and withdrawals are virtually impossible.
“One cannot imagine the dirty money we receive from the peasants in little burghs like this one,” said the source. “We need the further card verification since a great many of our regular shoppers are brainwashed consumption addicts and cannot be trusted to stay within credit limits.”
Now when a consumer spends money here he can be assured that it is on it’s way to Bentonville, often before he/she gets through the check-out line.
“There’s a lot of security in that,” said the manager. “The other surviving retailers can’t claim that!”
A ribbon-cutting is scheduled for Memorial Day Weekend (You bet we’re open) which will be attended by representatives of the World Wrestling Federation. The WWF and Wal-Mart have recently signed a non-aggression pact, vowing to support the War on Terrorism and preserve our American way of life. Some 12 million flags will be for sale.
“When we suck all the money out of this town we’ll move on with out new chute carefully in tow.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Missing Link White House Bid Picking up Momentum
In what political scientists are calling the jolt of the election year, the Missing Link has methodically paced the pack and currently commands an estimated 22% of the Presidential vote.
Scientists and government officials seek to seize the Missing Link so as to study the genetic connection between man and money.
According to recent polls and leaning precincts the primate’s White House bid looked shaky just months ago before the elusive fugitive from justice began slamming the airwaves with ads and carefully campaigning by train and tugboat.
His quirky bid has picked ups steam in unlikely domains in what were once seen as staunch conservative regions while endorsements pour in from improbable alliances. Geneticists, behavioral scientists and zoologists have expressed support saying the Missing Link is younger than the two frontrunners and impartial in the burgeoning world of partisan politics.
And the campaign just announced that it had raised over 4 million dollars since the Link declared his candidacy. 90% of these funds will not be blown on marketing and glad-handing but rather used to feed hungry people all over the planet.
Plus he is a master at swinging from tree to tree, a talent that might come in handy if he is elected.
“Once either of the major parties got wind of this share the wealth socialism the Link was dropped from consideration as a feasible candidate,” said one Washington pundit. “Radical ideas don’t win elections. Money does.”
-Fred Zeppelin
Peces encontrados en agua potable.
(Ridgway) Se han descubierto truchas, kokanee y otras especies de peces sospechosas en el agua potable de la ciudad, lo que provocó conmociones hasta Denver. Los intrusos, algunos de ellos a una distancia de un brazo de distancia, aparentemente han llamado hogar al estanque desde la época del ferrocarril.
“Esto no es nada de qué preocuparse”, afirmó un urbanista. “Los peces pertenecen al agua. Ahí es donde viven”.
A pesar de las continuas garantías, esta tarde se vio a equipos de la ciudad en la costa pescando con redes y trabajando como compañerismo. Los peces capturados serán retenidos en la tienda de segunda mano local, donde se venderán a los consumidores. Se espera que otros vertebrados acuáticos incautados permanezcan encarcelados en cámaras frigoríficas hasta que se encuentren hogares adecuados o se adapten los procedimientos de reubicación en los niveles más altos del gobierno municipal.
“Si el estado descubre que albergamos peces en nuestro suministro de agua, podríamos perder fondos para la purificación del agua”, dijo un planificador. “Entonces todos nos veríamos obligados a beber ginebra”.
Muchos residentes temen la contaminación del agua debido a la curiosa población de peces que se ha instalado. Algunos temen que los peces puedan salir del grifo o obstruir las tuberías provocando heladas en las noches más frías.
“Ick”, dijo un transeúnte recién llegado del condado de San Miguel. “¡Pensar que he estado bebiendo esta agua con esos peces viscosos nadando en ella!”
Aunque los peces son bastante normales en estanques como este, la ciudad ha tomado medidas progresivas y cuantitativas para eliminar del agua visitantes de todo tipo.
“Hemos pensado en hervir el agua potable de la ciudad después de pescar todos los peces que viven en ella”, explicó otro planificador. “Se está discutiendo ese enfoque, así como un plan para trasladar los cardúmenes a estanques estratégicos para minimizar la influencia de los peces radicales que se cree que se mueven libremente dentro de la población general.
“Nuestros esfuerzos de ninguna manera suponen una amenaza para los peces amigables u otras especies atrapadas en esta reciente revelación”, continuó la fuente de la ciudad. “Los peces que cooperan con la investigación no tienen nada que temer”.
Mientras tanto, las ventas de cebos se han disparado a medida que los grupos de vigilancia, temerosos de que se ponga fin al status quo aquí, han comenzado a dejar líneas desde Blue Lakes hasta Cow Creek. Muchos pescadores voluntarios se reunieron ayer en el embalse de Ridgway para mostrar solidaridad con las truchas de lago que se cree que se esconden allí.
“Apreciamos su preocupación”, dijo el planificador, “pero el agua se consume en el valle de Montrose y Delta y no afecta nuestra situación. Esas comunidades tienen sus propios problemas que abordar y las idas y venidas de los peces no son una alta prioridad en este momento”.
– Bess de Boca Pequeña
