Author Archive for M. Toole

Keeping the fun in marriage

with Dr. Evelyn “Muffy” Hollandaise, MSW, PhD, ASAP, LSMFT

Part 16 – Creative Disagreement — Keeping It Civil

     As my fifth husband always used to say: “If you can’t fight standing up how do you expect to make love lying down.” While many of us here in the business are not clear as to what he means we will go to the wall to defend his rite of common passage. Given: Everyone, with the possible exception of white doves, hermits, the dead and laudanum addicts locks horns sometimes. Nowhere is this phenomenon more interesting than within the sacred bondage of marital harmony.

     You may ask: How then Dr. Muffy can two people learn to tolerate each other when the green grasses of secularism beckon and the chains monogamy rattle throughout the night. The answer: Don’t just sit there like a rusty old war memorial. Kick up some dust of your own. Here’s how to do it:

    Most people would agree that it’s far easier watching someone else explode than to hit the ceiling yourself. That’s our first direction: Shut the hell up. Sure, it’s tough but generally your opponent will continue to hold the floor at least until they have exuded all primary hostility. Everyone thinks they know what they are talking about but no one has a clue. Blah, blah, blah…and so on.

     During this peripheral exchange be sure to keep a serious look on your face (laughing will only succeed in making matters worse), don’t make eye contact (it is often seen as a sign of aggression and yet can simultaneously denote fear ), back away slowly attempting to make yourself seem larger and more formidable (running will convince the predator that you are food). While surfing the primrose path it is wise to make lots of noise so as not to startle your mate, especially if he or she is traveling with cubs (off-spring).

     When the confrontation reaches phase two — the actual dialogue it may help to circulate a print-out to the participating parties. This helpful sheet can provide guidelines, parameters and information that will be covered during the brawl. This way nobody feels blindsided by issues introduced in the heat of battle. Hint: Always hold back just a little in case back stabbing is the only recourse. For example: Personal attacks on in-laws and personal hygiene are good while implications as to the lack of integrity and/or obesity are less effective.

     Always take time to choose a setting that benefits both sides. The kitchen is often better than the bedroom even though that’s where the knives are housed. The garden may work well for the combatants but what about the tomato plants? Squash can be very sensitive to upheavals and often wilts on the vine in the face of entanglement. (And that says nothing of endive and/or periwinkle). Referring to the set as the battleground does not carry with it the indication that one is serious about solutions. Waiting for the other partner to be drunk is not a good idea as one runs the risk that he or she will pass out during the good part.

     Timing is important too. She should throw out a contentious line during, say, the final game of the NBA Playoffs. He could do well waiting until the VISA bill arrives, unless of course he is the big spender. Bringing up an old mate is a valid approach only when he is in jail or her hair is falling out.

     Never presume that you are a better lover unless you were actually present during their tender moments. Don’t accept guilt connected to such evangelical surprises as: “After failing at several suicide attempts she joined a cloistered order and was hit by a bolt of lightning while on her way to vespers; he passed away after contracting leprosy, you know, working with the poor in India; or the old standby he jumped into a small bucket of chilled white table wine from a squat piñon tree atop lover’s leap and it’s your fault!”

     Along with the setting one should consider the general ambiance. The sound of a distant lawn mower or chain saw can be relaxing. The sound of a dog barking can lead to further frustration. Make sure no faucets are dripping or digital beeping is present as distraction can cause breakdowns of the communicative process.

     Music is very important. Country and Western works well, especially compared to the annoying repetitions sometimes inherent in progressive jazz. Rap is not a beneficial option since it is often loud, repetitive, crude and violent. Love songs may not be appropriate either. Save them for the making up part, if it comes.

     Body language should not be a consideration and physical response isn’t a solution, even for lower primates. The habit of repeating verbatim every sentence uttered by your opponent is childish and can provoke further duress.

     At some point in the proceedings there should be a period of dead air when everyone is finally exhausted. This is the right time to terminate the argument. The best way to do so is to throw your arms around your partner and hug them till they turn blue. Most people find this extension less attractive than facing a bayonet but moments after the initial fear of rejection is conquered anger is usually replaced by relief. Never leave during an argument since it can be taken as a retreat and you may have to go through this discussion process all over again.

     Now that the argument has come to a halt it is time to start gathering ammunition for the next big fight which we will undress in the next episode. Too-DA-loo…

Dr. Hollandaise graduated from some school back east & uses a lot of words she doesn’t understand. She can’t cook, has over 40 mirrors in her abode and is lousy in bed, according to her last five husbands .

A CONVERSATION WITH THE GEOGRAPHY GURU

“I don’t care how much money you may have. If you can’t tell the difference between Bismarck and Pierre you’re still an idiot in my book.”   – Monsieur Geography

“Those who disregard geography are destined to get lost.”   – Giuseppe Garibaldi

     Well, there you have it, at least according to these semi-noted experts in the field of geography. Some people wander around the planet with no comprehension of what’s around the next corner while others are obsessed with the location and status of every paltry little stream and insignificant mountain range from Toronto to Tierra del Fuego.

     In determining the importance of geography one may find two distinct schools of thought on the subject. The first, which is probably the most accepted, at least as far as daylight lip service goes, suggests that the study of geography is imperative if one seeks to understand his immediate surroundings. The second, an apathetic, almost cynical view, holds that accumulating this kind of information is meaningless.

     A few weeks ago it was brought to light that 75% of Evelyn Terkle’s 8th grade class, over in Baldwin, could not correctly identify the island of Britain on a map, even on a clear day. Places like Bosnia, Angola and Michigan were totally out of the question. Many could only find Montrose by looking for Wal-Mart. While upsetting, with regards to the first school of thought, the disclosure brought loud cheers of sarcastic approval in the second camp.

Take pride in thy ignorance and it will return to bite thee on the butt. – St Roscoe of the Apocalypse.

     In order to better comprehend the current status of geographical intelligence, or the lack of such in this country, we have, at great expense, brought in a recognized topographic wizard, Monsieur LaLoy Geography. Besides answering a flock of pressing questions as to the future of his work, our guest will share a few tips on improving geographical comprehension and will present the serious student with a simple quiz which, according to him, goes a long way toward measuring perceived awareness. Let’s get on with it:

Horseshoe: So, Msr. Geography, is it your contention that people who lack basic geographical skills are downright stupid?

Msr. Geography: Please call me Phil, and yes, we have found a strong correlation between inherent knowledge of place and general intelligence, if only in the sense that people who are oblivious to the natural order on their planet are not prone to accumulating other significant data either. They are, in short, bozos, who have no right to take up space here and should be brutally executed at the earliest convenience.

Horseshoe: That’s interesting, but why is it important to accumulate this knowledge if we have no plans to get out of town?

Phil: Let me answer that question with another question: Do you suppose that if a locale is not on your bus route that it does not exist?

Horseshoe: Bus route? What do buses, or even luxury automobiles have to do with our conversation?

Phil: Tell that to the last Mad Max who tried to drive his Cadillac to Kuala Lumpur. Had he digested even the simplest course on earth description he would have opted to fly, saving himself a great deal of money and embarrassment.

Horseshoe: Of course he would. Not to change the immediate subject, but wasn’t it you who suggested that the world is actually flat and not round at all?

Phil: The world is flat. All one has to do is go for a walk to figure that out. Some places are flatter than others. For instance, Kansas is flatter than a pancake, while Colorado enjoys endless mountains that were formed by the gaseous ski industry after the War. Livestock don’t realize this simple reality and that is precisely why they are suspended in their present predicament.

Horseshoe: Why don’t people take more of an interest in this fascinating science?

Phil: Because one cannot negotiate land masses with his remote control channel changer. They think all of us geographers are in the sub-genius category and that they cannot hope to achieve, much less maintain, our level of competence.

Horseshoe: So what if my analyst can’t give proper directions to Moline or if my physician can’t find Paraguay on the world map?

Phil: Hey, don’t you know that the Information Age has short-sheeted all of us? What are the neighborhood morons doing getting pedicures, watching football, attending Tupperware parties and jacking up their four-wheel-drives? Information is the new god of the millennium! Those looking over their shoulders will be turned to salt! Vengeance is mine sayeth…

Horseshoe: Don’t get excited Monsieur Geography. At this altitude you could have a stroke.

Phil: I told you to call me Phil. Exactly what altitude of are we at anyway?

Horseshoe: Oh, 7700 feet above sea level .

Phil: Well, that’s better, but how many more of you could answer that question without driving by the sign at the entrance to town?

Horseshoe: Hmmmm. We see that you’ve brought along some props. Could you explain?

Phil: I have maps, globes, atlases, sophisticated navigational apparatus, weather balloons, compasses, climate charts, psysio-graphic and meteorological surveys and other assorted tools with which to illustrate my point..

Horseshoe: Great. What do you intend to do with them?

Phil: Sell them, stupid. What do you think? If you had a phone at your desk we could put together one of those home shopping network shindigs and corner a few bucks while we’re flapping our jaws.

Horseshoe: If time permits. Wow, that’s one nice globe. What’s it made of? How did you get it so flat?

Phil: It’s just Jello. And that’s usually a professional secret, my boy, but I drove over it with my Corvair.

Horseshoe: Awesome, but what can a person do to better improve his comprehension of, say, the general geography of the United States?

Phil: The best way I know is to take a bus trip from New York to Los Angeles. Those transports travel through every jerkwater town along the way. Most people are so bored that they begin to subliminally retain even the most meaningless of jagged statistics. I knew a woman who memorized the populations of all the towns from Toledo to Green River, just for something to do. Now there’s a potential geography whiz! The only reason she gave up in Utah is that she realized the signs had featured the altitudes, and not the populations, since way back at Julesburg, whoever he was.

Horseshoe: Really. What else?

Phil: Try reading those red, one-way road maps in your eyes, sailor, or attempt to learn the location of at least one world capital per day. In a few decades, you could actually be geographically literate, if you’re memory is any good. Remember: maps are fun for everyone! If we choose to ignore geography why not blow off all other imperative structures such as spelling, grammar, physical laws, social norms, simple math, TV sitcoms and the checks and balances in our government.

Horseshoe: Great. But have you ever met a geography major? Most are tediously boring  at best.

Phil: There’s no need to get personal. We are not trivia nazis. We are students of the planet. Here’s the damn quiz. Good luck…

Basic Geography Quiz #611

Answer the following questions to the best of your ability. Feel free to lean on any references since it is doubtful that you will find them. Passing this simple test could get you a permanent spot on most leading television game shows or could get you elected to public office.

1. Why is Kansas City in Missouri?

2. From which direction does the moon first appear in the morning?

3. Where do Hawaiian shirts go in winter?

4. If Napoleon thought Waterloo was in Holland why then did he refuse to speak Flemish to his cavalry?

5. Is the practice of following the Grateful Dead a geological or geographical endeavor?

6. What is the normal cab fare from Mecca to Medina (Al Madinah)? How much tip is expected?

7. Why is the cover matting of National Geographic Magazine always in yellow?

8. Where did the term get lost originate?

9. Why doesn’t Rand McNally include heaven and hell on its atlas?

10. Why don’t the residents of Turkey change the name of their country? Don’t they realize that everyone is laughing at them?

Send your answers to Geography Editor, San Juan Horseshoe before August 2, 2025. Bonus question: If one heads west on Colorado Avenue which direction is he headed?

(Editor’s note: Products featured in the Monsieur Geography Interview can be purchased by writing: Msr. Geography, Box 1220, Santa Fe, WY. They are said to make wonderful Christmas gifts.)

– Melvin Toole, a convicted cartographer, thinks Paris is France.

Removing fossil fuels good for Mother Nature say petroleum companies

This day in history: The Magma Carbona was signed by Price Exxon, Donald of Orange and the local nobility to maintain fossil fuel prices. The prestigious group then gave the secondary tier unheard of freedoms but no more human attendant/service at the pump. “Can I check your oil?” Is a thing of the past in the Greatest Country in the World.

In the official statement: The drilling for oil and the extraction of natural gas actually relieve painful pressure at the earth’s core. Equated to a bad stomach ache that pressure is removed with the loving hands of geologists and con men from all over the globe. Without the tedious and expensive removal of these elements the earth could not remain flat and the sun would fall from the sky.

And for all you religious enthusiasts: Remember: Many early Christians made a small fortune from fossil fuel investments. Many apostles died quite wealthy.” – from The Sermon on the Gout by strip mall preacher Avery Sibadde.

Source: Natural Oil and Organic Fossil Fuel (Formerly British Petroleum of Tehran). We’re listed right after Stonehenge in the Isle of Mann phone book.

Dodge Ram and Your Bigote

     A new study surviving recent federal cuts strongly suggests that driving a Doge Ram makes one’s bigote larger.

     The examination, classified under Highly Sensitive Male Ego of input here clarifies longheld suspicions that people have been buying the pseudo-macho trucks for more than the V-8 sound and the potentially giant tires.

     “Even if you need a ladder to get into your truck and a telephone book to see over the dashboard you too will at some point experience new growth in the bigote region, said one engineer. Expectations can be varied but most will be surprised. This is not about testosterone or virility. It is about bigotes and the man who wants to be 100% man!”

     Meanwhile the White House has seen a bevy of attempts to define bigote and grow one as soon as possible to thwart the liberal agenda.

     Whether any of this connects with the alarming trek of young white males to the Trump camp in search of a heightened gender experience was never concluded. The ancient art of displaying a bigote dates back to the Sumerians who often waxed theirs and twisted them to the delight of female companions.

-Tommy Middlefinger

“Dumber than a bucket of hair”: Jim to Huckleberry Finn in reference to some of his fellow humans in James by Percival Everett

ID Theft Chips in Mail Thursday

(Salt Hake) The Internal Revenue Service, along with Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and The Veil of Forlorn Love have sent Plasticine Lumbar Frontal Chips to every American who voted in the last erection.

The horn-rimmed technology, barely discernible in natural light, is acknowledged as the latest in a host of solutions aimed at protecting innocent people from hackers and other scoundrels that roam the internet. It is easily inserted into the forehead or the lower jaw and blocks messaging while integrating sensory data.

“It’s like playing hide and go seek with your neurons,” said Dr Efram Pennywhistle, acting director of the Third Henway Institute of Moline.

Yes there are side effects: Some are fun and some may not be so pleasant. Many people develop fast-advancing personality disorders after the chip has been in place for an extended period.

“Just like cholesterol there are good and bad schizophrenic  experiences. Doctors can’t be everywhere at once.*” He explained.

Many Americans have already undergone car alarm surgery. You can do it at home, or, if you are homeless** ask someone to hold your coat and carefully insert the PLF Chip behind one’s largest ear. You’re done!

The ID Theft prevention chip (PLFC) is much easier to implement, says Pennywhistle

This morning an entry on Henry Institute’s website says:

MAYBE IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP!

Insert our tiny chip with the full regalia of repetitious warnings and semi-invasive bleeps right into your noggin as easy as drinking a glass of water while standing on your head.

“If someone attempts to break into your head and steal your identity they will be sorely disappointed,” adds Doctor Efram. 

IT’S YOUR LIFE AND ONLY YOU CAN FOUL THE FUTURE

*We met a man on East Colfax that claimed to have over 1300 stolen identities crammed into one of hundreds of pizza boxes that cascaded from his shopping cart. His nasty scarf looked just like one that had been stolen from me outside the Satire Lounge in 1974.” – editor

“Real machismo is achieved when you growl back at that snarling junkyard dog and he goes and lies down by his doghouse with a whimper.”

–Quote from large-boned woman who paid tuition to graduate school by selling tofu tattoos door-to-door. You may laugh but she earned an MBA and is now CEO of the largest meat processing enterprise in Northern Argentina.

Hashishistan defies Putin,

The tiny Eurasian principality of Hashishistan is threatening reprisals after a threatened conscription of balding men by Russia. Never part of the massive nation to the north, the small dominion of 2500 has refused to cooperate with efforts to entice the descendants of Tamerlaine into the Russian army for rubles and cheap vodka.

     “We have nothing against Ukraine or any other country,” said a chancellor from Mota, the capital city. “We will not be bullied by Putin and his surviving oligarchs. Besides, any student of grain knows we prefer Polish spirits.”

     Even the newly coronated Donald of Orange has chimed in to the conflict calling the Russian advances an obvious violation of international hair space .

     “Everyone knows that,” he barked in sound bytes.

     80% of the residents of Hashishistan have orange hair (natural or bottle) prompting Democrats to suggest that Trump is extending special treatment to the Hashishistanis.

     “They flattered him and he responded in kind like always,” said one Democrat in hiding.

     In a related development, Russian leader Vladimir Putin has threatened to call up over 50,000 Russian sex workers ( of the over 4 million currently working in and out of the country) and send them into battle against Ukraine.

– Fred Zeppelin

“I don’t like white people and I is one.” – Huck Finn in “James”