Author Archive for M. Toole

Bad rosin bags blamed for losses

(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.

The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”

The often diagnosed respiratory problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”

Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor relief pitching performances of late which have taken the club out of contention. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting beer sales and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured. Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league probably won’t provide measurable new revenues. 

Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.

“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or load up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.”   

– Signelle de Bushe

Talent scouts in Colona next week

Official Hollywood talent seekers are expected in Colona in the coming days looking for character actors or maybe just the perfect smile. Interested residents are urged to “be seen and act talented” during the course of events unfolding right around the corner. If chosen, the lucky pick could become an instant celebrity and join the ranks of the rich and famous. 

Up until now nothing much looks different than usual in town although we have observed several residents retreating to the nearby mountains so as not to be swept up in the expected revelry. Tonight’s scene remains almost pastoral. A passing person wouldn’t know something so extraordinary was about to take place here.

A Montrose economic development artery has crashed the bandwagon, seeking a spring board for local stage artists. It is now calling the event “Roundup of the Stars”. Its often unreliable recommendations? “Be yourself and don’t be a poser”. 

In continuum, those who wish to audition were advised on film protocol, supporting roles and the detriments of casting couches:

“Don’t all bunch up in the middle of town,” it reminded. Don’t spit on the street while on camera and be careful when crossing Highway 550.

“Riding in on a horse may be a definite asset since the Hollywood types are thought to like horses. Many think we still ride them for our daily transportation an marvel at our keen ability to operate motor vehicles. They strongly advise strict adherence to a classic cow theme — with a river running through it.

Just last week the same fame-hardened town of Colona booted a UNESCO committee that had eyeballed the burgh for inclusion on what many see as a prestigious roster. 

“This designation is a curse and recipe for tourism disaster,” said one world traveler headquartered here. “Take breathtaking Cuenca, Ecuador* for instance “It was once a valid, real and stimulating place — before it got that United Nations heritage label and all. Now it attracts too many cell-phone, emailing, non-Spanish speaking idiots who have no connection and little familiarity with the particular site. 

*UNESCO hotspots Machu Pichu, Easter Island , and even the Taos Pueblo are drifting toward the environmental and social disaster they have wrought by slamming a previously tranquil destination up against the wall of mass tourism. 

Walrus Stiff Found in W.H. Taft Grave

(Cincinnati) When cemetery engineers opened the grave of President William Howard Taft here, they found not the body of a 300-pound former leader, but the body of a deceased walrus instead.

The deceased former President

As luck would have it, Mr. Taft was nowhere to be seen, although his signature pocket watch was retrieved along with a 1939 Reds’ program autographed by Ernie Lombardi, Johnny Vander Meer and Bucky Walters.

The masterplan called for the obese Republican to be exhumed, his remains moved to afterlife digs at Arlington.

“These skeletal transfers often hold surprises as one might expect after almost a century in the soil,” quacked a nervous funeral director on site to oversee the operation.

During his life the portly populist got stuck in his bathtub requiring the assistance of at least six men to pry him from the porcelain clawfoot soaker. 

“It was like dejavu backwards,” said one extractor, engaged in the much-heralded exhumation. “We needed a gantry crane to dislodge the decomposed animal, that had quite surprisingly remained intact.” 

The walrus

The flippered marine mammal fit tightly in the casket just as Taft had upon his passing in 1930. The walrus is not indigenous to the Ohio River region or to any of its numerous tributaries.

“It probably swam over here from Kentucky,” tethered one grave digger, a little short on his geography.

Several rogue congressional sources suggested that the gov’ment dig up all previous presidents to see if other tusked creatures had been was buried with them. Mercifully, debate abated after it was agreed that the expense would be prohibitive.

“It would have been simpler for us to keep our traps shut and just move the Walrus to Arlington. Nobody would have noticed.” said one Buckeye.

– Gabby Haze

BIDEN MUST BE STOPPED SAY GOP BOLSHIES

Stalwarts of the failed Trump Presidency warned Americans that if Joseph Biden is not stopped we could end up with a democracy right here in the United States. Fraught and forlorn, these mulish enablers continue to harp along on fantasized election results, private reproductive rights, unhinged immigration and convoluted conspiracy theories sometimes more absurd and deplorable than their personal lives. 

“The first time they accuse you or wrongdoings hold up the Christian Bible,” offered one recently elected vestige of the former non-administration. “If that doesn’t work hold up the American flag. If they still persist hold up a picture of Jesus,” she said obdurately.

Fred Cruz and Donald Trump pose with one cup of coffee moments before a recount of foggy tax returns, alleged embellishments and unsavory improprieties hit the fan at the Capitol yesterday

We enter the above statement as Exhibit A in the ongoing realty TV courtroom drama Supreme Quart Saints. — Proof that you can fool some of the people most of the time.

All discussion of the profitability of private off-shore prisons was tabled at the request of the residue-in-waiting (see photo).

Triple standard: Against black-hole giveaways to the poor who, oddly enough, are often their supporters, but favor tax advantages and gaping loop holes for the rich.

In a related development, The House is expected to pass an inglorious Game Show Host Exclusion Bill that could have far-reaching affects within the judicial and legislative branches of the government as well as the executive one.

– Tommy Middlefinger

“Every time you turn on your computer you surrender just a little more of what is human for finer-tip conveniences”  – Uncle Pahgre

THE MISSING LINKSTERS

“If I had my way any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.”           – H.L. Mencken

We all get into trouble when we take ourselves too seriously. Nowhere is this reality more apparent than on the golf course. If we can’t even lighten up on the links then what chance do we have in the workaday jungle? It’s sad. The game of golf has all the elements: A healthy flirtation with fate, a personal challenge, a sensual brush with nature, and a good belly laugh. Why then is there frustration?

In 1771 Tobias Smallett observed in The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker that the game was becoming serious. “An Edinburgh foursome, all gentlemen of independent fortunes, had amused themselves at the pastime for the best part of a century, thus achieving a considerable amount of dexterity.” Tobias saw the golf as a precocious, yet peaceful pursuit. He may have said more had it not been for a brief encounter with a bolt of lightning, while single malt chipping on the 9th hole at St. Andrews that very afternoon.

Cheaters on the fairway are a common sight

Often a golfer cannot achieve consistency on a fast-talking green or in a bushwhacking fairway bunker because he’s dragged all of his daily problems into the sand with him. In short, he has chosen to play golf only on the surface level. He has chosen to go through the motions while his mind is elsewhere. He has chosen to follow another blueprint awarding himself with yet another report card for his efforts. In short, he has chosen the wrong club. That’s where cheating helps.

All golfers cheat. The ones who tell you they don’t are liars and cheats.

While fudging on a score, kicking the ball from the rough onto the fairway, taking countless mulligans and rearranging the landscape are ill-conceived yet common behaviorisms, they are only manifestations of the inside game. They are as predictable a as a wad of sunflower seeds on the path between second and third base or lowered helmets at the goal line. Combined with a competitive attention to detail, throat-slitting speed and an assortment of dead pan expressions these sociopathic country club skills, often inherited, can allow the golfer to properly focus.

Cheating at golf is a game within a game, a subculture composed of honed athletic skills, an executioner’s concentration and a bounce in the right direction when nobody is looking. It is peppered with a brisk glimpse that nothing is sacred and that no micro human endeavor should ever be taken all that seriously.

It’s all fair and square because everyone has an equal opportunity to be dishonest, even the caddies. Handicaps be damned…The novice swindler should take precautions to employ a caddie who is also a cheat. That way there’s no conflict of interest. In addition, one should dress to blend. In other words: Flashy clothes draw the kind of attention which no self-respecting, flimflam golfer wants. 

The deceptive linkster doesn’t cotton to laughing at other golfer’s outfits either. He practices the art of distraction at the appropriate times. For example, he might be inclined to rigging his own pants to fall down while competitors are putting. Eating crunch snacks on the green can also achieve this same kind of objective. Remember: Always practice your methods of cheating. There’s no reason to go straight just because you’re on the putting green or the driving range prior to play.

One particularly successful golf cheat I know in Montrose is constantly giving advice and tips to his competition. This drives them nuts.

“Keep your head down and don’t move your head,” he says. “Keep your arms straight and your club face closed. Bend your knees! Now close your eyes and swing with all your might!”

The result of this mental torture is the slow demise of his adversary. Soon these pathetic pawns are deep in analyzation and the little ball peters off the tee, slices like cream cheese or hooks its way into downtown Olathe.  

Noted American Presidents like Gerald Ford and Dwight Eisenhower engaged in techniques of harassment on regular basis. Ford allegedly aimed his shots at other golfers while Eisenhower often put fellow linksters to sleep with his legendary monotones. Jethro Clampitt, who was never elected president of anything, often yelled “Whop it!” just as other golfers began their backswing. Or maybe it was Jed. 

My favorite method is to offer assistance just as another golfer is about to drive.

“You just keep your head down, pal, I’ll stand back here and watch your ball for you,” I say. 

After the drive I attempt to send my golfing buddy to a spot as far away from his ball as possible. 

It’s funny watching the fellow searching in the rough for a ball that lies right in the middle of the fairway. Ha! Finding one’s own ball may not be the most beneficial move either. Always frown while looking and keep a backup ball at bay. Storing a second ball in one’s cheek or behind the ear works well. 

One particularly clever cheat over at Dos Rios, in Gunnison, has fashioned a kind of Steve McQueen/Great Escape pair of pants that allows for timely golf ball drops anywhere. The prisoners in the film used similar apparatus to get rid of dirt from their ill-fated tunnel. Try it on the golf course whenever the Gestapo ain’t lookin’. 

The practice of lingering over one’s own ball for what seems like an eternity can also upset other players causing them to lose all sense of timing. Often they become distracted by other stimuli and then they are at the mercy of their own frustration. This approach is very important if one is caught in a sand trap. After the other golfers have grown bored and stopped watching you take practice swings, simply stomp your ball down into the trap, kick up some sand and toss a new ball up onto the green. Simple enough huh? If another trick is necessary, exercise the wild-eyed option of cleaning your ball for about five or ten minutes at a whack whenever you are within 30 yards of a ball washing machine.

Be very careful in the sand trap. We know of people who, having spent the afternoon there, emerged victorious, but never the same. “Titleist, Topflight…Maxiflight, Wilson Long Drive….is their curious mantra. Heart breaking.

Other effective diversions include impersonating the sounds of the club hitting the ball. (The proper sound is Twaaack, not Clunk, Whoop or Plop). Losing one’s temper can work and often covers the real agenda. Sneezing, burping and chattering are also powerful tools, as are cell phones, cameras, hair dryers and small chainsaws.

Those who fudge will pay the price

Just remember: The golf club is designed to hit the ball and the golf course is designed for swindlers. Driving is wide open while chipping and putting are forever untwined with diet and inner peace. Take full advantage of other people’s insecurities when birdies fly or eagles have landed. Keep in mind that the ultimate reward for cheating is a favorable score. Many of us prefer to keep score after 18 holes have already been completed.

“I think I had a four on number five or was it a five on number four,” is a common conversational technique. Feel free to use our international conversion table found at the rear of this issue. Check out the section listed under Club Distribution of Body Weight and/or Driving While Impaired. It’s sure to shave a point or two.

If none of this works maybe one should consider that he/she simply sucks when it comes to golf. We suggest that a person faced with this stark realization turn to poker or billiards, two fine exercises for chronic rogues.

Kevin Haley, a duffer of unimpressive stature throws clubs and refuses to check the oil on his golf cart. He thinks a consistent score of 90 or lower adds validity to an afternoon.

Our Presidents and Their Baseball

 The only reason that George Washington did not play catch with one of his junior officers at Valley Forge was because it was just too cold. The next summer, according to a letter sent home by a private in the Continental Army, the general really got after it, spending many of his idle hours whipping the ball around the horn to everyone who produced a mitt. You didn’t know that, did you? Imagine Washington to Mad Anthony Wayne to Horacio Gates…The ultimate double-play combination of the day.

Firebrand John Adams wasn’t far behind. Known to engage in a game of rounders, an early interpretation of baseball, Adams loved the competition and became a damned fine shortstop in his later years. In addition, he was the scourge of the base paths, especially when a Tory team was in town.

As the reader can clearly see, baseball and the Presidency appeared hand in glove from the very beginning of the nation. Although verification is sketchy in the early days, by the mid-1800s the keystone phenomenon had more than reached Pennsylvania Avenue. Sadly, no chief executive ever played pro ball. Most were relegated to ribbon cutting at new stadiums or to throwing out the first pitch.

In 1862, the long-legged Abraham Lincoln, who reportedly could lope from first to second in three steps, built a small field out behind the White House so his sons and he could play. Lincoln struck quite a pose winding up for a curve in the top hat and tails of his dark days at the helm. He had quite a brush-back pitch. Just ask George McClellan (deceased too). His successor of sorts, the bad luck Andrew Johnson was the first chief executive to call baseball “our national game”. He actually gave federal employees the day off to watch a game in 1867 and again in 1868, before his impeachment at the hands of a butter fingered Congress, who thought the game to be a waste of time.

Soon after, General, now President Grant umpired his first game (Gothic, Colorado- June 30, 1878) between two teams of former Union soldiers. The former commander was never challenged on his calls by the adoring troops. He reportedly ordered a keg to be stationed at home plate so as to encourage competitive play.

However, baseball was new and all eyes looked West even though the Dodgers and Giants had yet to move to California. Benjamin Harrison was the first President to watch a live game. In 1892 he watched the Washington Senators lose to the Cincinnati Reds. William Howard Taft was first to see a game in his hometown, in attendance as the Philadelphia Phillies beat the Reds in 1912.

Teddy Roosevelt (a distant relative of this writer) had once called baseball a mollycoddle game. Historians say that it just wasn’t violent enough for his tastes. Woodrow Wilson played ball at Davidson before transferring to Princeton. He threw out the first pitch in the 1915 World Series and watched Philadelphia beat Boston. In 1913 he signed an autograph for the legendary Ty Cobb. The game was pretty much white bread in those days in perfect harmony with Wilson’s much-publicized ill feelings toward blacks and immigrants. Warren Harding owned a minor league team. Herbert Hoover was booed at the Series in 1931.

Franklin Roosevelt, partially handicapped due to polio, served the majority of four terms in the Oval Office. He was an avid fan once telling a friend, “If I didn’t have to hobble up the steps in front of all those people I’d be at the ballpark everyday.” To illustrate the length of his tenure: Jimmy Foxx hit 353 home runs during the Roosevelt Presidency. Joe DiMaggio performed magic while FDR was in office, posting his 56-game hitting streak during the summer of innocence, before the US entered World War II.     

In more modern times, the connection between the diamond and the White House became even more pronounced. In 1953 when Dwight Eisenhower took over the love affair went deeper. Ike, who had played semi-pro ball in the Kansas State League, once admitted to sportswriters “not making the baseball team at West Point was my biggest disappointment in life”. Besides personally presenting Mickey Vernon with his batting champion trophy, Ike invited the winners of the Mexican League championship to the White House.

“I wanted to be a real Major player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner,” Ike told a Gettysburg friend before his death in 1969.

Then came John Kennedy, a big Red Sox fan, who went so far as to appoint an under-secretary of baseball when he took office in 1961. Once, when talking to Cardinals’ great Stan Musial, Kennedy said,” A couple of years ago they told me I was too young to be President and that you were too old to play baseball. But we fooled them.”

Did Lyndon Johnson throw a high hard one at Barry Goldwater in 1964? Did Richard Nixon steal signs and change box scores after the embarrassment of Watergate? Did Jimmy “The Smile” Carter once jump the railing to congratulate the Braves after the team won the Series in 1992? Absolutely maybe. Rosalynn verified Jimmy’s enthusiastic feat while visiting Crested Butte in 1998. So did Hank Aaron.

Ronald Reagan began his career as a sports broadcaster. After his landslide election in 1980, while admiring portraits of former Presidents, Reagan told Senator Tip O’Neill that he had once played Grover Cleveland in the movies to which O’Neill retorted, “No Mr. President, that was Grover Cleveland Alexander. “I knew the nation was in tough shape from that moment on, O’Neill had later said. Win one for the Gipper and all.”

In the late 40s, George H Bush played standout first base as captain for Yale, hosted babe Ruth’s visit to the team’s New Haven field and even cracked a single off Milt Pappas during an old-timers game. Bill Clinton grew up a Cardinals’ fan but switched to the Cubs when he married Hillary. Like Jimmy Carter, Clinton favored a pardon for Pete Rose saying he “had paid the price”. Despite his best efforts, he could not end the baseball strike in 1994.

As most of us know George W Bush once owned part of the Texas Rangers and was the person responsible for trading Sammy Sosa to the White Sox (for Dick Cheney?). Many feel Bush was better suited for president of a baseball team than his later position. Longtime White Sox fan Barack Obama won 69 million votes in 2008 and is the only known Chief Executive to have a team named after him: The Class-A Brooklyn (NY) Cyclones renamed themselves the Baracklyn Cyclones in 2009 as a tribute to Obama. 

Donald Trump has never bankrupted a baseball franchise. He has yet to turn a double-play. Joe Biden once smacked a ground-rule double into Chesapeake Bay and the ball was returned some 20 years later. It rests in the Oval Office today, guarded by two German Shepherds.

– Gabby Haze