Author Archive for M. Toole

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Calvin, Locke and Cromwell, attys at law Experienced and deadly. “No heart. No soul. No tolerance”Habla espanol 

“You’re just mad because my sunglasses cost more than your car.”

– Small Mouth Bess at Cannes

Three Farcheezies Injured

(Montrose) Three of the four Flying Farcheezies were slightly injured when one end of their tight rope fell into the Black Canyon of Gunnison during a performance here. The Farcheezies, a Croatian high wire act with direct lineage to the Hapsburgs, were crossing the canyon on the said tight rope when the incident occurred. Guano Farcheezie, his brother Armando and sister Helena all suffered scrapes and bruises and were cheated and released at St. Roscoe’s Memorial Clinic.

The mishap was reportedly provoked by the actions of an over-zealous Forest Service ranger who noticed that the high gymnasts had not paid camping fees in the park since May 2. After several attempts to locate the Farcheezies she simply began dismantling their digs. Unfortunately the dismantling included the tight rope which was tied to a concrete picnic table. The ranger sustained minor injury as several chickens, roosting in Ms. Farcheezie’s hope chest, attacked her as she excited the encampment. The ranger, whose name was not given will be awarded for her dedication to her country with an administrative position in Green River.

Three members of the Four Farcheezies reaching out back in 2021

The Farcheezies told reporters that they were relieved that the story first broke in the San Juan Horseshoe since, like Saturday morning cartoons, it is rare that anyone is ever killed on one of that paper’s pages.

“If this were to have happened in one of the other papers we could have all been killed and/or our names misspelled,” crowed Armando Farcheezie.

The Farcheezies will travel to the Bland Valley on Tuesday to perform on a local news broadcast there.

-Ripple Van Winkle

Too Much Bass Bad For Dentures

(Raspberry Creek) Denture wearers may be at extreme risk when subjected to low-pitched tones or vibrations common to boom boxes and jacked-up automobile stereos. According to leading consumer groups regular exposure to loud, pounding bass waves are not only tedious and unsettling to the ears, but can also cause rapid deterioration and rejection of dentures, or false teeth as they are more commonly known.

According to the experts no matter how well as set of dentures fits the mouth, bass decibels will have adverse affects in up to 95% of examined occurrences. In some rare cases, dentists have found that dentures become unattached after only one short tune. Generally, it takes repetition and continued exposure to these kinds of sounds but the results are almost always the same.

 “We particularly want to warn grandparents driving with their grandchildren,” said Suzie Compost, a denture wearer turned activist after her dentures flew out of a convertible blasting a booming rap concoction. We were just driving along when I felt my dentures loosen and break loose. Before I could react they were gone. I thought my jaw was next!”

According to other motorists the badly battered uppers skidded off a windshield, crashed into a light pole and slammed into the pavement before landing from a ditch. The lowers have yet to be recovered.

Even people possessing their original chompers can be victimized by the pounding bass according to experts who say that none of the senses are equipped to handle the onslaught.

“Most denture wearers are older and do not see the benefits of this musical expression,” added Compost…”and that says nothing for the freshwater perch.”

-Estelle Marmotbreath

Jardin, Colombia

US Poised to Claim Gold Medal in Prisoner Ratio

“We must continue to insure that our poor school districts continue to descend into the shoddy and inferior. Otherwise how can we be expected to maintain our prisons at full capacity?” – Arlene “Big” Heart, (Whig-Suburbs) “Sure, our schools suck but we’re firmly in first place again with impressive incarceration numbers. This is the Olympics of Education and we are competitive once again.”

Half of the world’s prison population of about nine million is held in the US, China or Russia.

What the little bird told me in Colombia