Author Archive for M. Toole

Year-round snow banks get council OK

(Crested Butte) Lawmakers here have approved a plan that would maintain Elk Avenue snow banks all year long. Arguing that the architectural undertaking was both natural and beneficial to tourism, the body’s right wing shoved the measure past the left, who wanted to spend the money on green tea, dynamite and photos of Bob Marley.

Working against the clock snow techs jump-started the program with both feet on Monday. First, they surgically sculptured the existing banks so as to seal all faults. Then they hauled in tons of snow and ice from local depositories up Washington Gulch. Now they must hope the weather stays cold.

“When things do start to melt we have to bring in the refrigeration equipment, which we hope will not appear intrusive on the main thoroughfare,” said Molly B. Denim, owner and operator of Born Again Towing, the general contractor on the project. “When they see the waterfalls in the summer and the light show in the fall they’ll stop complaining. The water’s all recycled and the snow is dry-cleaned once a week. What’s not to like?”

Voters mobbing the coffee lines downtown seemed unaffected Tuesday morning with most saying that the snow banks were probably good for the town. Others asked what the plan would cost to implement and how snow could withstand the summer heat. Still others condemned the entire incident as a frightening waste of funds in light of the 20 or so people in town who still cannot afford cell phones.

Meanwhile, the left wing of the council says it has gained full council support for a referendum on the proposed pedestrian mall for the area in question. Since cars and snow banks have always been at odds, the measure is expected to pass swiftly. 

“We want to be known as the ski town with year-round snow,” said Denim. “Everybody loves snow banks…so long as they don’t have to live with them.”

In related news the town’s 1000 hsp/mg henway snow cleaning reactor is up and running again after a series of freeze-ups rendering it useless during the most recent cold spell. Operators say they aren’t behind their work in that the snow is just starting to get dirty anyway.

“The months of March and April require constant cleaning if we hope to keep things spic and spam,” said Denim.

– Alfalfa Romero

Just throw out a seed in Colombia…

TOWNIE CELL PHONE PROGRAM PRAISED

Ed note: The much-praised traveling cell phone program was abruptly cancelled in March of 2019. Residents are still perplexed as to controversial state and county decisions. “It’s like living in Russia.,” said one snow monkey.

(Crested Butte) The traveling Townie Cell Phone, available to anyone who needs to make a call while in town, has covered a lot of miles up and down Elk Avenue since the program started in September. The service, relying entirely on the honor code and a small cell phone, has been called a success by residents and tourists alike.

Fortunately it’s all quite simple. The designated cell phone plan, like the townie bike concept of years gone by, requires a strict adherence to logistics, fair consideration of the needs of others and credit card. Potential users can pick up the cell phone at any one of four locations on Elk. It is perfectly legit to bring the phone anywhere in town to make calls just so long as it is returned to one of the Hot Spots, which change weekly for security purposes.

Phone calls and costs are then recorded on the caller’s Federal Identification Card and transferred overnight to an appropriate credit plan.

“It beats having to carry a cell phone around,” said Melvin Toole, who uses the service at least 20 times per day. “My cost is kept down and the convenience is unparalleled.”

Long distance calls will be surcharged 15% during slow times and 20% during peak season. A proposition is in the wings wherein a further 1% sales tax might someday pay these costs but for now it falls to the individual consumer.

“This is nothing less than a sociological Quantum Leap,” continued Toole. “Any community that does not get on the bandwagon is missing the boat.” 

– Estelle Marmotbreath

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

(Brought to you by O’Hara’s Hoof and Mouth Cream and Cosmetic Branding Enhancers. Always Remember: If it isn’t O’Hara’s

–it isn’t O’Hara’s. Available wherever good cows graze.)

The scene: A tree house in equatorial Africa

Tarzan: Why Tarzan no have last name?

Jane: Because you were raised by apes, dear, and none of them have last names.

Tarzan: Tarzan have tree house worth millions but no last name. Maybe Tarzan buy last name.

Jane: Now darling lets be thankful for what we have. Just three months ago we built this tree house out of cardboard and tin and now it’s worth a fortune. Who would ever have guessed that the Djiboutis would have put in a ski area. I recall that only last year Chief Kingfish was afraid of front-end loaders and thought cranes were the work of the white devils. Now they’ve even got hotels with snotty staffs and a one-way gondola to the Fountain Village.

Tarzan: Tarzan not like gondola. Prefer swinging through trees.

Jane: So, when do we close on the tree house? I can’t wait to buy some new clothes and take you to London.

Tarzan: Tarzan not like clothes. Not need shirt in jungle. Tarzan not have last name. Bank say have to have last name to open account, cash checks, build spec houses.

Jane: Isn’t it wonderful! All we did was hang out in our tree house for a few months and now we’re rich. I had no idea you were such an astute businessman, dear.

Tarzan: Tarzan pay attention but still no have last name. Even Cheetah have last name. Tarzan saw it on credit cards.

Jane: Cheetah has credit cards?

Tarzan: Monkey have cards and cell phone too. Why Tarzan not have credit card?

Jane: What does Cheetah buy?

Tarzan: Lot of bananas.

Jane: And who, dare say, does she call on the cell phone?

Tarzan: Other monkeys with cell phones and credit cards. Cheetah broker. Monkey plans to knock down jungle and build custom homes for rich people from the city. Cheetah say rain forest overrated, not need all these trees.

Jane: But if they knock down all the trees where will the monkeys and birds reside?

Tarzan: Affordable housing has been discussed, Jane.

THE END

BATHROOMS MORE DANGEROUS THAN SLOPES

(Crested Butte) The average American is far more likely to injure himself in the bathroom than on the ski slopes according to a recently completed study by Colorado Ski and Snowboard Country. Questionable statistics, presumably manufactured by the industry, clearly indicate that people are at far greater risk engaged in normal daily functions than they might be screeching down a double diamond.

“While in the common bathroom one has to contend with a sink, a tub, a commode, possibly throw rugs, rogue towel racks, conspiratorial shower curtains, sharp-edged toilet paper dispensers, open windows, ceiling fans, insidious doors, cheap wallpaper, protruding walls and unstable medicine cabinets,” said Zorro DesPlants, a spokesman for the recreation interest. 

“Also, one must consider that the average human in the using the bathroom may have only recently arisen from his slumber and is vulnerable to a host of potential accidents. Others are under pressure or in a hurry. Some are simply stupid when it comes to functioning amid advanced technology.”

In response, the Armenian Plumbers Union, Ed’s Bubble Bath International, the Western Shampoo Growers, Mom’s Linens and Towels Ltd., the American Tile Manufacturers and an assortment of air freshener concerns has filed a protest with the state attorney general saying that the ski people have made up the entire comparison so as to scare people.

“Sure, we know the bathroom can be a frightening place but if people just take necessary precautions the entire exposure has every chance in the world of resulting in a positive experience,” she said. “Helmets, seat belts and air bags, while a pipe dream a few years back, are now employed by many in the little room down the hall. I myself,” she explained, “enjoy an immeasurable degree of security by the inclusion of a large caliber pistol in my constitutional entourage.” 

 

Tambien de este lado hay suenos (On this side there are dreams) Graffiti in Nogales, Mexico

– from American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins

Ski Patrol Called Up

(Crested Butte) The Crested Butte Mountain Ski Patrol has been called up for active military duty in Ukraine. The entire contingent, along with medical and information staffs, will ship out on Thursday.

The blitzkrieg departure was orchestrated by local Republican supporters of the former Trump  Administration, who, as things work out, will be staying home, and a federal government that does not favor long, drawn-out good-byes. The news was received last night by shocked patrol members and their families who had no idea the group was at risk.

According to a ski area spokesman the call up is a result of small print in the annual ski patrol contract linking that team to the local Natural Guard. Medical training and physical conditioning inherent to the position has made the ski patrol and obvious choice for action.  

“Technically they are reservists and since we don’t have a draft we must turn to these kinds of paramilitary entities to fight our battles,” said Supreme Commander General Worthington Bulbous, of the Curecanti Sector, who will also be staying home. “With those brave men and women over seas we will continue to fight the war against the bad guys from here.”

The ski patrol will be replaced by members of the Homeland Security Agency, even though many of these newly hired feds cannot ski. At press time a plan has emerged which would employ temporary guard towers, barb wire and punitive measures at the base to keep the peace on the slopes. 

The next time I sign something I’ll read the small print,” said one ski patrol member. “I wouldn’t mind being shipped off to the Caribbean or to some other exotic spot,” she said, “but the Ukraine in the winter? I don’t think so.”

A citizen’s action group has filed suit to delay the departure until someone in Washington comes to his senses.

In a related piece Congress is considering legislation that would put non-registered voters in the 18-26 age at the top of a list of potential draft picks, if forced induction makes a comeback. The legislators feel that if someone in that age bracket does not care about the issues or bother to vote, they are less likely to put up much resistance to induction.

Other paramilitary groups such as Bozar and the Crested Butte and Mt Crested Butte Town Councils are currently being considered for inclusion in the plan.

“Some of these kids prowling Elk Avenue would make fine soldiers,” said Bulbous, especially the snowboarders.”

– Rocky Flats