Author Archive for M. Toole
Ski Patrol Called Up
(Crested Butte) The Crested Butte Mountain Ski Patrol has been called up for active military duty in Ukraine. The entire contingent, along with medical and information staffs, will ship out on Thursday.
The blitzkrieg departure was orchestrated by local Republican supporters of the former Trump Administration, who, as things work out, will be staying home, and a federal government that does not favor long, drawn-out good-byes. The news was received last night by shocked patrol members and their families who had no idea the group was at risk.
According to a ski area spokesman the call up is a result of small print in the annual ski patrol contract linking that team to the local Natural Guard. Medical training and physical conditioning inherent to the position has made the ski patrol and obvious choice for action.
“Technically they are reservists and since we don’t have a draft we must turn to these kinds of paramilitary entities to fight our battles,” said Supreme Commander General Worthington Bulbous, of the Curecanti Sector, who will also be staying home. “With those brave men and women over seas we will continue to fight the war against the bad guys from here.”
The ski patrol will be replaced by members of the Homeland Security Agency, even though many of these newly hired feds cannot ski. At press time a plan has emerged which would employ temporary guard towers, barb wire and punitive measures at the base to keep the peace on the slopes.
The next time I sign something I’ll read the small print,” said one ski patrol member. “I wouldn’t mind being shipped off to the Caribbean or to some other exotic spot,” she said, “but the Ukraine in the winter? I don’t think so.”
A citizen’s action group has filed suit to delay the departure until someone in Washington comes to his senses.
In a related piece Congress is considering legislation that would put non-registered voters in the 18-26 age at the top of a list of potential draft picks, if forced induction makes a comeback. The legislators feel that if someone in that age bracket does not care about the issues or bother to vote, they are less likely to put up much resistance to induction.
Other paramilitary groups such as Bozar and the Crested Butte and Mt Crested Butte Town Councils are currently being considered for inclusion in the plan.
“Some of these kids prowling Elk Avenue would make fine soldiers,” said Bulbous, especially the snowboarders.”
– Rocky Flats
COLONA ABANDONS NATO DIALOGUE
20 Years Ago in the Horseshoe
Four point plan unveiled
(Montrose) Angry with what it calls bungling and insensitivity in the Balkans the powerful city state of Colona has pulled its ambassador from Washington and sent an angry letter to the United Nations.
Early on the Colonese supported the NATO response to aggression on the part of the Serbian armed forces but now, according to one very high official “the NATO bombing has only served to escalate the conflict, creating more refugees and general chaos in the region”.
Sources here suggest that there is little a small nation can do when surrounded by a larger one.
“Our policy is to mind our own business and deal with the problems within our geo-political borders,” said a second spokesperson, “and we strongly urge the United States to do the same.”
In an official announcement this morning the Colonese have released a four point plan for the reconciliation of what has been a close relationship to the US in the past:
“First: We have unilaterally disagreed with U.S. foreign policy since right after the War of 1812 and only kept quiet due to diplomatic considerations and for fear of reprisals. Second: The arrogance displayed by the Clinton White House is disturbing in that no one has bothered to return our phone calls since March 24 when the bombing began. Third: Serbian-Americans make up 45% of the Colonese population according to the 1990 census. Fourth: Bombing other countries is mean.”
Colona has reinforced its borders with the United States in apprehension of a less than friendly response. Other regional capitals such as Cahone and Wyoming have expresses support for the Colonese and plan to send humanitarian aid and hay to get the population through until the first harvest in July.
“I got up in the middle of the night and ran down to the pay phone at the Colona Store to call the White House,” said Melvin Toole, ex-fireman turned irrigation engineer. “The least they could have done is returned my call. Sometimes a simple response can keep these situations from going public.”
The Colona House will meet later this afternoon to discuss the reinstitution of conscription and the construction of trenches from Billy Creek to Happy Canyon.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Unda de’ counta soup
3,000 glass eyes from just one windshield! Send $5 for this and other amazing possibilities. Dept of Monotonous Technology, Falls Church, VA 22046
Anyone with knowledge as to the whereabouts of one Mickey Valdez, the alleged love child of Emperor Maximilian and Empress Carlota is asked to call the Montrose Police Department regarding his unpaid parking tickets. Thanks.
We build feedlots. Want us to build you a feedlot right there in your own backyard? Insulate yourself from raising meat prices today. All structures constructed of recycled material and guaranteed through Christmas. Chicken ranches, pig sties, rabbit hutches, aviaries too. Mystery Meats, Olathe.
Afraid to fly? Hey, with all the terrorism, covid and bad food who wouldn’t be? Now there’s help. We’ll fly for you. Any destination. Any schedule. Hell, we’ll even haul luggage given to us by people we don’t know. Bonus: Sign up today and we will arrange to have people meet you outside the airport or drive you to the nearest bus station. Big Bird Ltd., Antelope Hills.
For sale: Military surplus from much-maligned War on Drugs. Perfect for second home or military bunker system. Federal subsidy available for starter militias. See Mr. Winn at the Sandinista Gun and Tool Show at Jingo Auditorium. Three years ago we couldn’t even spell camouflage and now we are invisible.
Attractive blind couple wanted for proofreading duties on technical manual. We is desperate. Good pay per diem. Could work into regular gig. Col. Seymour Butts, Simms Mesa.
Will the barefoot peasant women that journey to the central fountain each day to draw water for household chores please do so before 8 am so as not to block tour buses. In addition, persons drawing water after 6 pm should do so dressed in brightly colored, traditional costume so as not to be confused with jeep drivers, firemen or realtors. Manana Vigilantes. Tourism for the Aged.
Hibernian Bar Mitzvahs by the week or the month. Disappointment Valley Optimists Club.
Former racing pigeons for sale fresh or frozen. Perfect for that quick luncheon or summer pick me up. We will not break up sets. Cash only. Carmichael Farms, Log Hill Mesa.
Many merchant woes can be directly linked to sticky front doors. Does your door stick? Call the Colorado Department of Stuck Doors for personal consultation. Great ideas for unsticking doors from crusty bureaucrats who love to get all dressed up and go to meetings. Watch profits soar when they can open the door!
Due to software difficulties, Ed’s Liver and Onion Wagon will not make periodic stopovers in Durango, Creed and Lake City through the winter. Performances in Silverton and Howardsville will be strictly curtailed until spring. The annual three-day buffet in Sapinero is cancelled altogether. We apologize for any inconvenience and hope to be back on schedule by next summer.
Lost: One Arapaho-English Dictionary in the men’s room at the Sand Creek Monument. If found please return to Col. John Chivington of the Colorado Militia. My translator is in Las Vegas at the International Genocide Hearings until next week and I can’t understand what any of these savages are saying. Small reward.
Workaholic seeks lazy resident to take three-week vacation to Florida in March so that I can work 20 hours per day. All expenses paid. Family provided. No travel agents or realtors please. I am Slim Tinkleholland, Wimpton Greyhound Track.
Guard dogs, surfing supplies, babes, quality assault weaponry, new age musical compositions, cardboard umbrellas, mail strippers, bulletproof vests, and suntan oil. Happy Jack’s Beach Bazaar, Blue Mesa.
Peasants: 1.) Please stay indoors during spraying operations conducted in March. Schedule and area maps will be issued. 2.) The controlled burn, originally scheduled for the Confront Range will go on as planned. 3.) Stay tuned for your next instructions. Colorado State Department of Transmigration.
Lost: Contoured, flux gate wall map of Tuscany at Palisades Restaurant in January. Part of an expanded collection that includes Lombardy, Roma, Venetia and the west coast of Corsica. Cabbage stain over most of the Ligurian Sea. Child’s pet. Contact Red over at the Holy Roman Empire.
SCIENCE FICTION WRITER needed for Economic Recovery Office in Washington DC. Work right alongside silly Democrats and vindictive Republicans who have seen the true path to solvency. Successful candidate can expect to spend two or three afternoons at the Pentagon. Office of Conventional Rebounding, 99 Entitlement Circle, Georgetown.
The 90th Annual Psorophaora Mosquito Family Reunion/Swarm will be held at Dengue Town Park on December 28 despite reports of high water. Bring covered fish. Pupae OK. No flies.
New from the people who brought you the Hawaiian Shirt Body Suit and the Backless Turtleneck! End the fear of an open fly in public! Avoid the pitfalls of roaming hands and insincere motives with the Digital Beep Unisex Zipper Alarm. For sale everywhere compliments of Infield Fly Inc., clothing and accessories for the mass neurosis. Batteries slightly extra.
TOURISTS: Pick up your personalized breath mints at any Colorado Welcome Station. Protection of our natural habitat begins with you!
Tired of that tedious weekly trek to the grocery? Tune in to the Clone Shopping Network and select from full-color pictures of the finest prime meats, fresh vegetables, packaged goods and guaranteed notions. All are available 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Your stomach doesn’t take a vacation and neither does the Clone Shopping Network.
Found: Pair of full figure panty hose near Ophir Loop. To claim please leave description at post office.
Need: Person to weed and mow Rolling Rock Acres Cemetery every Friday through the summer season. Applicant must have good driving record and current driver’s license. No mystics. Simple vision test will be administered to some successful candidates. Demonstrated ability to get along well with the long-term clientele will be considered a plus. Stop by in person and ask for Mr. Curtains.
Tex-change operations daily at our secret clinic in Taylor Canyon. Guaranteed semi-painless or your deposit cheerfully refunded. References not an obstacle. Millions of delighted customers.
Public Notice: The circus act “Jungle Jim’s African Lions” will now be doing business as “The African Lions”. Furthermore, the remaining entertainment principals will no longer be responsible for the past exploitations, manipulations and private debts of the late James “Jungle Jim” Tamer (6/30/2022).
Goose fertilizer $25 per ton firm. Guaranteed to grow, healthy, strong birds. Tom Collins Farms.
Get paid for not mowing your lawn. Contact a federal government near you.
Inside Your Issue
Local Health Inspector Hit by Gravy Train
Meat wagon totaled but bureaucrat survives ordeal
in Law and Order
Biden To seize Guns Thursday
But only from those who make over $250,000 per year
in National Clips
Ipods and Pacemakers
Are they compatible at higher altitudes?
In Retirement on the Half Shell
Elway Courting Ex-Raider Cheerleader
Will Political Aspirations Falter?
In People in the News
Colorado Springs Ascends into Heaven
“Garden of the Gods, Heathens and all”
in Untouchable Lifestyles
Special: Micro-managing Tropical Fish
Plus a ridiculous helping of realities to eat,
drink, fall from and be afraid to approach.
Pick up your fresh copy today
Where you buy quality birdcage hygiene goods.
Saint Roscoe Appears at Blue Mesa
(Gunnison) Saint Roscoe, the patron of recreational vehicles, reportedly dropped in on some unsuspecting campers on the shores of Blue Mesa yesterday. Dressed in the sky blue leisure suit that has become his trademark, Roscoe called for the creation of an autonomous state where summer would last all year long and gasoline would sell for 15 cents per gallon.
He also urged RV manufacturers to build bigger and better vehicles and for toy poodles to be recognized as minor deities and respected as such.
After promising to return, he disappeared.
Readers may recall that Saint Roscoe has made several house calls to Colorado casinos and bingo halls over the past few years. His message remains a constant one of chronic consumption.
“We are spending the planet’s inheritance,” he has often said.
Parapsychologists remain baffled as to any explanation for these sightings but agree that the special effects are quite impressive.
“It reminds me of a Wayne Newton concert,” said one scientist, “with the exception that Roscoe is some 30 pounds lighter than the `Newt.'”
Organic goat eggs for sale
Fresh free-range, organic goat eggs. Still in the shell. Seasonal booty only. First come-first served. No realtors. Gates open at 5 am. 38592368945275 Road. Honk. I got mean dogs. Market Price.
