Cardinals seek to eliminate Pontiff position

(Rome) Vatican power brokers are poised to phase out the longstanding Papal role next go-round. With a gradual elimination of the apostolic position already in motion, leading Cardinals described the move “a cost-cutting one and little more”.

     Progressives here meeting in front of Bernini Fountain indicated that they too would support a Popeless hierarchy if conservative gate keepers agree to share Vatican gold with millions of poor, desperate faithful in South and Central America.

     This latest fiscal reciprocity appears headed for a final vote after the white smoke clears. The initial proposal is expected to pass, despite stiff resistance from a cross-dressing contingent of Cardinals, many of whom secretly desire to be Pope one day.

     “We have talked the matter to death said one liberal cleric, “with gracefulness and tact considering the sensitive nature of these modifications.

     “Many in the College of Cardinals prefer to hold onto traditions dating back to Saint Peter,” he explained.

     “The climax of papal lineage, cost-cutting or otherwise must be accomplished without bloodshed and with the highest degree of respect for the multitudes who fill up the collection plate each Sunday.”

      Whether other layoffs are in the works is anyone’s guess since Cardinals do not possess the papal infallibility card on matters of faith and morality

     Attempts to streamline the salvation business have fallen flat since since the early days of Pope Linus and the Medici Popes selling indulgences (and maybe a few relics) in the 16th Century.

     Undocumented sources here agree that a  little wiggle room never hurt anyone. They contend that funds saved on Popemobile alone would go a long way towards feeding the poor.

     “The Papal gig has been around since year one. I don’t think the faithful will be pleased. They like the royal stuff and all,” said another bishop. “It helps them survive the pitfalls of real life.’

     “Attempts to appease and soothe will succeed in the end as will the access and expansion of sainthood and the dismantling of Purgatory planned for 2030.

     “At this juncture we have no plans to turn the Sistine Chapel into an Air B & B as was previously rumored.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

“Talking to you is like trying to get the government out of my jockey shorts with chopsticks.”

                              – traditional Chinese insult overheard at the Tariff Negotiations in Geneva. May 15, 2025.