WORDS ARE OUR FRIENDS

with Ella Benedictine Rockefeller

from her new book “Adverbs and Ignorance”

Can you define the following words?

1. GOOGOL: a.) Ten to the hundredth power; b.) To stare at someone stupidly; c.) A turncoat lieutenant in the service to Genghis Khan; d.) To purposely goose someone and later pretend the victim was one’s wife or husband.

2. ZONDA: a.) a small Japanese car; b.) The name of Dobbie Gillis’ girlfriend; c.) A hot wind of the Argentine pampas; d.) A cheese made from the pasteurized milk of a adolescent yak.

3. JEHU: a.) A Himalayan rope suspension bridge; b.) Someone who drives too fast; c.) A hayseed, a yahoo or someone from Hooterville; d.) The practice of eating dirt, gravel or yellow snow; e.) All of the above.

4. AGRESTIAN: a.) of the land; b.) A tribe inhabiting Northern Albania; c.) Growing wild in irrigation ditches; d.) Someone who is stupid but thinks he is way cool.

5. BUCKEEN: a.) A young man of lesser gentry aping the manners of the greater; an idle shabby young dandy (Irish); b.) Change for a Ten-spot in Wales; c.) Bad knees resulting from athletic abuse and unfortunate genetics; d.) The habit of jockeying back and forth on the potty in an fruitless attempt to relieve discomfort caused by Xiuhtecutli, the Aztec fire god.

United States Constitution To Appear on Talk Shows

(Washington) The U.S. Constitution and its sidekick, the Bill of Rights, will appear on four talk shows this month so as to remind Americans that it is still in existence (and that freedom is worth fighting to preserve?). Promoters of the event feel that this exposure will insure that the documents are not discarded by politicians in the immediate future. The Constitution, which guarantees almost all the basic rights enjoyed by Americans, will appear on a bevy of talk shows, one virtual reality game show and will be available in its entirety on Tic Toc and Toc Tick (the Chinese version).

Constitutionalists from all walks of life fear that the archive is in jeopardy due the presence of autocratic, right-of-center Presidential candidates and a puppet Supreme Court seemingly hostile, or at very least oblivious to, individual rights. Furthermore they are not convinced that television talk shows offer the best exposure for documents as well as candidates.

“We’ve also made gestures toward Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert, in case we need them too,” said Mel Toole, of the Civil Cheveres Union. Toole’s great-great-grandfather (T. Wright Toole) was invited to sign the Declaration of Independence and several other earth-shattering bills of the day but his alleged preoccupation with boozing, gambling and womanizing always created “irreconcilable conflicts.

“Mostly he signed bar tabs and IOUs,” spat Toole

“He did manage to sign a scorecard during the Whiskey Insurrection of 1794,” offered Tool. “Later in 1801 he signed the controversial Victoria Regia Ordinance which allowed Amazon maidens to compete in interscholastic athletics.”

Joining the Constitution and Bill of Rights on the talk show circuit will be The Code of Hammurabi, The Indian Vedas, The Torah, and the Magna Carta Dancers.

  -H.L. Menoken