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Many Regions Embrace Zucchini Standard

(Delta) A rising number of communities have weaned themselves off the dollar and taken to zucchini as legal tender as well as a negotiable measure of wealth and well- being.

Despite the strong US dollar, many mostly rural Americans feel that what they can see piling up is a better measure of prosperity than credit cards some measly paper money. Many say the paper money is good to start fires but they can’t get even dried zucchini squash to ignite.

“We got greenbacks and such with pictures of men in wigs or we got beautiful squash of yellow and green,” said one former Nitwit Coin enthusiast. “Which one looks the most secure?”

The source did not comment when asked about the winter months when zucchini and most fresh vegetables dry up around these parts. Already hunters and gatherers are hard at work canning and storing squash in apprehension of a “run on the bank” by city dwellers.

Rumors of an invasion by miles of rogue zucchini in the vicinity of Rangel, Colorado have been simultaneously downgraded to an official tropical disturbance and delegated as a federal disaster area. Federal mandates strictly limit plant migrations such as this that exceed 25 miles wide.

“That thirsty zucchini patch is easily twice that size,” continued our source who now identified himself as Hector Somebody, of Mack. He told us that hordes of zucchini militia, called Zucchini Rangers due to their laughable yellow and gold socks and well-oiled Squashkopf* Rifles, had surrounded the zucchini and dug trenches at the state line in preparation for a war of attrition. 

Others hijacked a Bimbo Bread truck and drove it to safety in Wyoming moments before engulfed by the meandering squash. Nearby tractor trailers and a 4000-foot recreational vehicle were not so lucky. The Bimbo maneuver was reportedly linked to a wildly popular board game aply named Dump the Zuchini which claims over three million afficionados across the Rockies.

“They were here one minute and gone the next,” said Somebody, just like my sociable security check.”  

*Carcano M 1938 carbine beretta – Fucile Armaguera to you flatlanders

-Gabby Haze

“Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.”

– Jules Renard, 1890