All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
BOOOOOOO….
Othello back on stage as Un Capitano Moro? Or is it our Crested Butte friend getting ready to scare hell out of someone? Only the Shadow knows.
All Hallows Eve greetings to all.
Gunnison encourages residents, visitors to ramp up pot use
(Tomichi-on-Thames — Oct 29, 2016)
In a radical departure from previous policies the City of Gunnison is actively encouraging citizens, tourists and college students here to “smoke more pot”. The gesture, denied by cold-footed bureaucrats here, is seen as a blatant attempt to keep all of the town’s marijuana dispensaries in business, at least until the end of the tax year.
As of late last night Gunnison currently licensed eight dispensaries in a community of roughly 6000. In addition Western State enrollment is almost 2800. That’s one dispensary for every 11,000 inhabitants. These statistics carry with them some heavy responsibility.
Civic liters, once hesitant to issue even one license for fear it would “send the wrong message to our children” now features what many see as a multitude of pot shops within the city limits. Whether or not the decision to allow so many marijuana businesses has anything to do with the fees collected from licenses was not known when this story was published.
High profile communities as far way as Humboldt State in California have registered shock at the development. College towns in states where pot is legal were supportive of Gunnison’s attempts to negotiate the confusion related the new industry.
“Sure we want to see all of the dispensaries flourish,” said one unconfirmed source at the city. “Unlike our track record with juicers we have not had any two-in-the-morning incidents with the potheads. It’s all legal plus the cash is good.”
– by Pepper Salte
Next time: Is the marijuana glut threat to Colorado lifestyle?
Bears Bully Pizza Drivers
(Gunnison, CO Autumn Leaves and Back Alley Burglars October 27, 2016 )
Local black bears, zoning in on retirement, or seasonal hibernation as it is commonly known, have stepped up activities aimed at separating pizzas from pizza delivery personnel here.
Although the mobile pie pilots are in no real danger from the hungry, usually docile bruins, there is some cause for alarm since pizza production makes up over 45% of the region’s local gross national product.
The local gov’ment is particularly sensitive to the heists as well. Any bureaucrat knows full well that public loss of faith in the ability to protect its citizens is paramount to the present perception that the entity is necessary in the first place.
Bears don’t vote while many people do. That pretty well decides the priorities.
Police have stepped up patrols in areas known to be frequented by bear. A plan to deputize and arm pizza dispensers was voted down in council chambers last night after a pizza ordered by legislators arrived half eaten (box and all) and two hours late.
This week alone some 25 pizza delivery technicians have been accosted with perishable losses alone estimated at well over $300. In addition the grillwork on a brand new Land Rover (nice pizza wagon, dude) was kicked in, a few windshields broken and some tires were slashed.
“Generally the bear have no plan of attack, they just do whatever comes to mind,” said Evelyn Marmotbreath, Executive Director of Fully Extended Extension Services for Gunnison and Saguache Counties.
“Once they get a whiff of a sausage and mushroom (pizza) they have little control. A pepperoni and green pepper drives them nuts. Delivery people should at least be aware of the potential powder keg they are hauling around town.”
Marmotbreath verified that only the hungriest bear will risk it all for a cheese pizza and that most don’t like anchovies.
Fortunately most bear are loners and cooperation in crimes like this is rare. Gang activity, however, has been detected in the suburbs where bear often work together gorging themselves on stolen pizzas and selling the rest to buy drugs like honey, termites, assorted berries and boxes of Sugar Crisps.
“These are the desperate ones,” stressed the director. “Often they come from broken homes and see their gang association as a substitute for the den. Attempts to resist when confronted by this element are ridiculous, especially when one considers the wages paid within the profession.”
Many resourceful delivery people have begun carrying baskets of berries and mounds of garbage around with them so as to distract the bear and make the delivery unscathed. Although this works in many cases bear have been known to hold the pizza man hostage at arm’s length, while consuming the berries and garbage. Then, when the appetizers have been fully munched they turn to the real prize, still hot from the oven.
“People must remember that these animals mean business,” continued Marmotbreath. “Attempts to reason with them or engage in physical combat could be fatal.”
Unless the situation improves by November, when bear are particularly haywire, door-to-door food distribution may be suspended until the bruins fall asleep for the winter.
Another more risky alternative would be to hire the bear to deliver the pizzas.
“That’s absurd,” said Marmotbreath. “They cannot be trusted nor can they make change. Imagine a hungry bear taking off with four or five large pies. He’s make it to the end of the alley then sit down and quietly inhale his cargo. Besides,” she quipped, “we have enough under-employment around here to introduce animals into the work force.”
Pizza parlors finishing nearest the top in the recent Best of Gunnison voting have been hit the hardest as bear tend to prefer real pizza produced by locally owned establishments and reject the cardboard fare of chain restaurants.
“Hey, any bear that can add twenty or thirty pounds on berries can damn well tell a good pizza from a marginal one,” said Marmotbreath. “The key here is caution. We can always make more pizzas but a good employee is hard to find.”
– Susie Compost
“Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.”
– Oscar Wilde
Wily Bruin Suspect in ATV Disappearances
(White Pine Over There News October 26, 2016)
Local authorities here have come to believe that a series of ATV thefts is the work of an illusive ring of black bears who live in the vicinity. Surprising though it may sound, considering the low crime in the region, police here have changed tactics in an attempt to apprehend the criminals saying that catching bears is a “whole ‘nuther hive of honey” than catching human crooks.
With yet another report of the loss of a new Honda four-wheeler last night, state wildlife biologists may be called in to firm up the ongoing investigation.
“At this point we think it’s just one bear acting alone in these crimes,” said Marshal Everett Pewter, “but he might have an accomplice or two for the bigger jobs. We found tracks and fur and scat all around the spot of the alleged theft. What slobs!”
The latest victims, three Kansas hunters, were forced to walk 15 miles to Highway 50 from the spot where they had left their vehicle on Friday.
According to one motorcycle/sports vehicle dealer the thefts are not all that odd.
“Bears have been walking off with everything from mail boxes to lawn furniture since I was a kid,” said Adam Griffith of Sun Sports in Gunnison. “What worries us is that now they’ve stepped it up a notch, grabbing dirt bikes and more sophisticated motorized vehicles. It’s enough to keep a person out of the woods.”
Griffith went on to say that he expected the stolen ATVs to turn up as chopped versions and clones of the real thing even though the bear were not that good with tools and had problems digesting service manuals.
As of press time there have been no reports of RVs or weapons missing.
“That’s good news for the people of White Pine who have always tried to live in harmony with their hairy neighbors,” said Pewter.
– Dinty Moore
“It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you often get it.”
– Somerset Maughm
Combined Canning Season Considered
(Tin Pan Park — Colorado Mamories — October 25, 2016)
A combined canning season is now being considered for 2017 due to an increase in canners during the two separate seasons, says Louella Hatchet of the State Cosmic Canning Observatory in Aurora.
The number of canners increased from 18,561 to 23,076 since 2000 and with the increase has come more accidents, violations and the big money.
“We want to squeeze every last dollar out of the out-of staters,” laughed Hatchet. “So what if they can’t spend money with the local merchants like they used to. We don’t give a damn about the merchants either- most are just a wavering rich people, a true bunch of lost newcomers anyway.”
Canners from all over the world come to the Western Slope in search of erotic plants and edible rocks.
“Reloading, once quite controversial, has become quite popular in recent years,” added Hatchet,”and by 2017 we hope to tax the hell out of that too.”
Since 1963 the SCO has been tagging cans to check their health, breeding and migratory habits just like we do with the King’s deer. “So far we have spent $212,000 to find that these cans are immune to most diseases, sterile and relatively immobile, but we’ll keep trying,” said Hatchet.
– Mel Toole