All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Claimants Grow in Galleon Find
(Salvador, Bahia — Por Favela Favor — November 12 ,2016)
The number of persons filing Rightful Claim on all or part of the estimated 7.6 million dollars recovered from a sunken Portuguese galleon has doubled since last night. The treasure, in Portuguese reales, dinhiero, Malacca Sebastieo and silver rupees, was recovered last week off the coast of India, near Goa, a former Portuguese colony.
At last count over 300 persons and entities have claimed the prize. Some are nautical, some are fortune chasers, but one local man has what appears to be a valid, albeit bizarre, link to the recovery deep on the ocean floor. Melvin Toole, a retired coal stoker from Colona, says he has a right to the entire booty due to family connections.
“I am the direct descendent of Amal Santa Villa Cabralia, the love child of the homely Queen Maria I of the Braganza Royal Family and the suave Domingos Antonio de Sousa Coutinho, the Portuguese Ambassador to Brasil in 1807,” said Toole.
The entire Portuguese court, all 1500 of them, had been relocated to Rio de Janeiro so as to escape the clutches of Napoleon Bonaparte whose armies were quickly closing in on Lisbon from the north. Prince John VI, who would become reigning monarch upon the death of Maria in 1816, refused to bless the union, calling for the head of Coutinho who fled to Salvador and out of harm’s way.
“That makes me the great-great-great-great grandson of Maria I,” snapped Toole carefully doing the math on his fingers. “I don’t see how there can be any other explanation. My Uncle Wilbur de Sousa, a notorious womanizer in his own right, spilled the beans on this story back when I was a kid but I thought he was just a senile old man babbling along. Now I wish I would have listened to him.”
Toole will undergo painful DNA testing tomorrow in hopes of putting the matter to rest. He has until next week to show further genetic proof that he is the heir to the fortune or the entire $7.6 million will go to the Portuguese Humane Society.
– Mr. Ha Ha
Apple Acquires Husqvarna
NOW YOU CAN WATCH THE BRONCOS
ON YOUR WEED EATER OR CHAINSAW
(Google Gulch) Apple Corporation today purchased Husqvarna Professional Products Inc for an undisclosed sum. In a flurry of trading the market’s uppity flow calmed down and the news was digested by closing time, underlining fears of a mass takeover of every aspect of human life by entertainment and data concerns.
The motor company makes chainsaws, motorcycles, snow blowers, lawn mowers, simmers and more. It is not known if Apple will continue to manufacture these and related items but it is surmised that it will go in the direction in 2017.
The possibilities of a major merger of computers and weed eaters is beyond comprehension and somewhat frightening to the thinking man or woman.
“I can’t wait to watch the Broncos or Nascar on my lawn mower,” said one broker. “This particular takeover is weird all right but it is the We have information companies that don’t produce anything buying up manufacturing entities that create tangible products.”
Apple’s second quarter earnings had been in decline as the company dismantled hundreds of robots once employed to build more computer components and clandestine hard-drive bunkers to protect the sacred formula for harvesting success from technological pirates and the gov’ment.
– Sergio Hinge
Tolstoi, otros encontraron en la aldea
(Moscú – Red Circular Plaza – 10 de noviembre de 2016)
Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Anton Chéjov y Maxim Gorki, todos anhelamos creía muerto, se han identificado positivamente, viviendo la vida en la remota aldea de Yerkilansk en una remota región de Krasnoyarsk llama en el centro de Rusia
La agencia de noticias rusa TASS informa que los cuatro han sido en Yerkilansk desde su destierro por una serie de zares y bolcheviques durante el siglo 20. Se dice que están colaborando varias novelas, ensayos y guiones en el marco de la Ernest Sagas, que fueron escritas originalmente como una sátira sobre zarista, y más tarde Soviética, la vida en Rusia.
Los cuatro se mantuvo desafiante a través de los años 70 y 80 cuando se negaron a escribir propaganda comunista a cambio de más alimentos y leña. A pesar de su largo calvario que todos parecían estar en buen estado de salud y el humor. A mediados de los años 90 la administración post-soviética les pidió dar la bienvenida a la Glasnost y ungió a ellos “los huéspedes de que el estado” en lugar de “políticas internas”. Eran entonces libre de ir y venir a su antojo, aunque en Yerkilansk no hay muchos lugares para ir y venir.
“Por un paseo nos encontramos con hambre de tres oso pardo ruso y decidimos frenar nuestro entusiasmo geográfica y estar más cerca de la aldea”, dijo Gorki. “En todas partes hay nieve! Es posible conseguir perdido o al menos desorientado dentro de una milla de esta civilización insignificante “.
El avance creativo en el trabajo colectivo se produjo cuando Chekov prevé «todo lo que es la Ernestine” y se convirtió en un seguidor de tiempo completo de esa doctrina estricta. Un broche de oro del trabajo seguido rápidamente como los otros grandes subieron a bordo y comenzó a bombear sagas cortos de Ernest.
Favoritos como “Ernest Goes to Adoctrinamiento Camp”, “Ernest Goes a una prisión de Beneficio Para” y Ernest Guarda Navidad de los paganos “vienen a la mente aquí.
Aunque la mayoría de los estadounidenses no pueden recordar Ernest, un número mucho mayor de no reconocen los nombres de los novelistas rusos. Este deseo de mayor notoriedad parece ser la fuerza impulsora en las tareas tumultuosos que enfrentan los novelistas. Hablando a través de un traductor, el célebre autor de Anna Karenina, dijo, “Anton y Fyodor fueron de gran valor en las novelas de fermentación y juega durante lo que los críticos literarios se refieren como el Período de Ernest Temprano (1994-2000). Maxim realiza a gran altura toda velocidad a pesar de que todavía no estamos muy familiarizados con ese modo “.
Lo que siguió sacudió el mundo literario. Cuatro grandes plumas rusos que trabajan juntos en Ernest invade Afganistán, terminarlo a tiempo para la cosecha semestral vodka. Esta verdadera obra maestra sobrevivirá a gobiernos, romper tradiciones sin edad y sobrevivir a los elementos. Cuatro artistas iluminados, en trajes de ocio aislados y Sorrels en unas vacaciones ártico largo, han capturado colectivamente la esencia de Ernest. Tolstoi da crédito a sus asociados en una introducción de largo aliento en el que se compara el proceso de colaboración para “jaque mate en la oscuridad.”
Mientras tanto, la vida real Ernest, acompañado por un amigo cercano nombrado se espera Vern llegar a Yerkilansk el viernes para examinar las aguas que prolongan la vida del río Kubinichev. Los dos esperan para escoltar a los cuatro novelistas a Disneyland y en un estudio de grabación en mayo.
“Sólo espero que los Dodgers están en la ciudad”, dijo Gorki. “La última vez que estuve en Los Ángeles fue en 1903 y el equipo todavía estaba en Brooklyn.”
– Cachemira Herradura
Ed Hunnicutt Visits
An afternoon of music not soon forgotten. Singer-songwriter, Ed Hunnicutt (second from left) , paid a visit to Western Colorado recently. Joined by Kurt Isgreen, Les Choy, Bob Becker and Bill Wilson the tunes were terrific. (Lee Hunnicutt Photo)
STUDENTS EATING CROW
(Gunnison Nov 8, 2016) Once it was gold fish. Now in what social scientists call the latest college craze hundreds of Western State College students are eating crow. Whether attributed to the food in the dining halls or the availability of the large black birds on campus the trend is gaining momentum just in time for graduation.
“It all started as a joke,” said Arlo “Benny” Winger, recognized as the first student here to dine on the ravens. “After a while the culinary advantages of living off the land became apparent and more and more people began the odd practice, even for breakfast.
Several faculty members have also been observed chowing down on crow.
“They taste a lot like chicken,” said Winger, to coin an old adage. “The fare is not subject to a lot of added hormones and steroids common to the present day poultry industry.”
At present visitors to the campus can observe gangs of students prowling the campus armed with sticks in search of dinner. Authorities feel that the practice will subside as fresh fruit and vegetables from warmed environs make their way to Gunnison for the summer.
“The birds are just getting a taste of their own medicine,” chirped Winger. “Anyone who travels the road kill corridors in spring can attest to that.”
One administrator suggested that while the practice of eating crow could be seen a distasteful by some it’s far better than the students eating each other or relying on fast food to satisfy their undergraduate appetites.
– Aerial Wayman
