All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Come Montrose Rancher 99 Pancakes
(Montrose, CO – Pomona Peeper – November 18, 2016)
Spring Creek ranchero Ed Hempleman será sin duda saltarse el desayuno por un tiempo, tal vez para siempre. Después de consumir 99 tortitas o panqueques como él los llama, en sólo tres horas, él tiene el derecho. La saga comenzó en Gravy cielo de rojo en el Norte Townsend cuando Hempleman y algunos amigos comenzaron presumiendo de sus apetitos.
“Una vez me comí un novillo en una sola sesión”, dijo un mentiroso. “Luego tuve desierto!”
“Uno septiembre comí un campo lleno de patatas”, espetó otro.
“Eso no es Nuthin ‘aulló tercera. “Mi papá comió todo el arco iris en el río de Gunnison a Delta, luego tomó mamá a comer sushi.”
La arrogancia llevó a retos y pronto un concurso panqueque-comer se fijó para la mañana siguiente. (Pancakes ser más fácil contar de carnes y la trucha.) El partido atrajo a 13 participantes calcular visualmente el premio $ 500 puesto por Aunt Jemima Huertos de California Mesa.
Las reglas eran simples: Cada concursante comería en incrementos de 15 panqueque y sería dado un descanso de cinco minutos entre las placas. Quien se comió la mayoría de panqueques 8-11 sería declarado el ganador. Si la competencia termina en un empate que no habrá tiempo extra de muerte súbita.
Recogemos el play-by-play en vivo desde Red de: alineados en un trance detrás de sus pilas designadas, se les veía como pájaros plumped en un alambre, colgando de una placa a otra hasta justo cáñamo leman y 77 años de edad, Harvey Birdseed de Guisante fueron los últimos pan-cakers pie. Entonces, como la escena de huevo de Cool Hand Luke, Hempleman comenzó el relleno de crepes después panqueque en su pavo, dejando a su paso Birdseed maltratada …
Ya alimenticios, comer patatas y pastel de comer concursos bruscos están programadas para la feria del condado. Los ingresos del evento no fueron anunciados. Los organizadores dicen que los restos de 1000 crepes serían donados a llenar todos los baches entre Cahone a Gypsym.
“Estas personas son atletas superdotados”, gritó un hombre micrófono. “El público no sabe.”
– Pequeño Boca Bess
DO YOUR WORK AND DON’T BE LATE TO DINNER
In 1928 two boys sat along Boxelder Creek a little ways outside the town of Wellington, Colorado. One was Byron White, the other was his older brother, Sam. They were enjoying a relaxing Saturday afternoon following the sugar beet harvest, a brief respite from the workday world of their youth.
Although they excelled in the classroom, both worked endless hours unloading lumber and coal from the Colorado and Southern and cultivating sugar beets for the Great Western Sugar Refinery. Byron had began working in the fields at six-years-old for $1.50 per day.
That day, in the shadows of the Medicine Bows Sam talked of the future.
“Dad says if a person gets As he goes to college.”
“How many As?” asked his younger sibling.
“All As,” smiled Sam.
“Near as I can tell I’ve got 6 more years of school before college. That’s a lot of As.” said Byron.
“It’s either that or work in the refinery and stay here in Wellington,” stressed Sam.
Like most small towns there existed a constant rush by the younger residents to leave and get on with life. Wellington’s juvenile elite felt the same. One of their boyhood friends later said it all:
“I liked growing up here. You bet. But the main thing is getting out.”
Sam talked of going to the University of Colorado. Byron talked of the same, plus playing football against teams like Oklahoma and Nebraska. Both would earn full tuition scholarship after high school.
As Byron later said: “In the late 20s and early 30s the farmers weren’t making much money. There was very little money around Wellington, and I suppose you could say, by today’s standards, we were quite poor. We didn’t necessarily feel poor because everybody was more or less the same. Everybody worked for a living. Everybody. Everybody.”
* * *
“All right, Huddle up,” said White. “I’m gonna hit Antonio on the left side. We’ll fake the sweep and I’ll roll out. Make your blocks.”
It was New Year’s Day 1938 in the Cotton Bowl. The talented Rice squad was set across the line of scrimmage. The ball was hiked and the play came off without a hitch. White threw an 8-yard touchdown pass to Joe Antonio to put Colorado up 7-0.
The success came as no surprise to anyone least of all Whizzer White. In 1937 the Buffaloes had gone undefeated and he had been named All American, the first from Colorado in any sport. In addition he had led the nation in rushing. He lettered in baseball and basketball as well. He was the ultimate student athlete, student body president, a Rhodes Scholar and a member of Phi Beta Kappa.
White, like many players of his day, played both sides of the ball. Fortunately for CU he was in the defensive backfield during the next series of downs. The Rice quarterback forced a pass over the middle and White picked it off going 47 yards for the second touchdown. Colorado led the favored Rice team 14-0.
“Nice interception, White,” yelled the Colorado coach from the sideline. “Keep after them.”
Despite the effort the Owls battled back and won the game 28-14. It sounds a lot like the old Nebraska match-ups in the Big Eight.
* * *
After college White played pro football, (the highest paid player of the era at $15,800 per year), leading the league in rushing twice. Despite playing only three years he was named to the Pro Football Hall-of-Fame. He attended post-graduate school at Oxford, England and went to Yale Law School during off-season. During World War II he served in the South Pacific and won the Bronze Star. After the war he went back to Yale Law School, where he finished first in his class in 1946.
Not bad for a former beet picker from Wellington, Colorado.
In 1962 he was named to the Supreme Court where he served until 1993. His athletic awards are too many to mention. Over the years he was named to every All, Hall and ball team associated with Colorado and the NFL. In 1965 his number 24 was retired by the university.
Once after retirement reporters asked him how to spell Whizzer, to which he reponded, “B-Y-R-O-N.”
According to people who knew him he made athletic and academic excellence look easy. Just a little work ethic and a desire to achieve.
Thanks to the University of Colorado Athletic Department, The Boulder Daily Camera and The Man Who Once Was Whizzer White by Dennis J. Hutchinson for information herein.
Putin to Join FOX News Team
(Moscow — Red Square Follies — November 16, 2016)
Russians from the Urals to the Black Sea awoke to the shocking news that their former KGB strongman president had bailed, joining the political desk at Fox News. Sources close to Putin expressed similar distress at the development saying they had no indication the former propaganda specialist was planning too become a talking head in the United States.
“Vladimir Putin has resigned his position in the Russian Federation and will link up with Fox as early as next week.” said a curt press release from the network. “He will spend the first three months under the wing of our professionals then be expected to make up his own news accounts, leaning heavy on the fictitious content that made him “a force to be reckoned with” in the former Soviet state. He is looking forward to working with the beautiful, albeit mindless, female broadcasters.”
It was not clear whether the mutual admiration, shared between Putin and Donald Trump, has any impact on the decision . Putin has no previous experience as a television news personality. A sworn adversary of the Obama-Clinton Bandwagon, Putin should fit in nicely with the rogue’s gallery that does not let truth or polite restraint define the news. A reception is planned at New York’s Coney Island, where the former Russian big shot’s brother has a restaurant.
After that Putin will reportedly go shopping for new ties and an apartment to call his own.
– Clyde of Colona
DOW Considered Feeding Deer Uranium Tailings in 50s
(Greater Flatland Wards of the State Express November 15, 2016)
With the release of secret Division of Wildlife files it has become apparent that Game and Fish officials planned to feed uranium tailings to local mule deer in 1956. The plan, dubbed Operation Atomic Bambi by militant factions within the agency, was to be enacted following combined hacking season and carried out through the winter months.
“Let’s be fair here,” stressed Merv Ditchwater, a spokesman for the state. “Back in 1956 people thought uranium tailings were just part of the landscape. They thought the waste was just the price of progress. They certainly didn’t worry about the dangers of toxins what with the Cold War raging and the local economy booming over in the West End.”
Operation Atomic Bambi was simply an attempt to kill two birds with one stone according to higher ups in the agency. There were lots of tailings and lots of hungry deer. On unreliable source told The Horseshoe that bigger, possibly more intelligent animals were the ultimate goal.
“We thought we could grow giant deer and maybe larger elk with this high tech diet,” said the source, now retired, who worked on the project. “Then we could jack up the price of licenses. Nobody knew much about uranium and the negatives of mining the stuff. It’s a lot like the nuclear energy industry today.”
The nuclear industry has still failed to come up with a safe, effective way to store its byproducts yet it continues to generate tons of toxic waste per year.
“Maybe the Atomic Energy Commission is waiting for aliens to land and show us the way,” laughed Ditchwater. “Either way we’re in deep guano when it comes to the future of the planet.”
Officials at the division admitted that the only animals that liked the tailings were prairie dogs and cockroaches. Both species grew enormous in no time at all and had to be deported to the Utah desert where they still thrive. Hunting season on these mutated beasts has been suggested but never launched.
“The deer never really gave the program a chance,” said Ditchwater. “Hell, they didn’t even know a cold war from a bucket of oats. They stuck their little noses up at the tailings and continued to chew on sagebrush, and alfalfa when they could get it.”
Today Colorado has an overrun of deer and more elk than any other state except Euphoria. According to a staff biologist they are the same size they were back in the Thirties, when residents here all but succeeded in eating them all up.
Phillip Cheroot
Ode to Brave Hempsmen
Progress surfaces amid the ashes of ignorance with agricultural prowess in California, Nevada and Massachusetts! States Rights, ain’t it? Down with legal opiates, government officials, genetically modified corn, digital beeps, snowmen on fire, cats that eat whiskers, potholes and Wall Street bullies.
Economy Mostly Cloudy
(North America — Any Day Now News — November 13, 2016)
Financial skies were mostly cloudy over most of the nation as markets closed today. Scattered insufficient funds hung over parts of the South while drizzling interest rates collided with thunderous inflationary fronts moving in from the East.
Cooler investments and high-pressure stock options continue to plague investors in the Rockies while high winds and showers are likely on Wall Street through the weekend. A cold front will push across the Midwest linking up with an upswing in retail sales and new housing starts. Creeping inflation will continue to gnaw away at the water table. Despite all precautions taken by the benevolent brotherhood of banking industry consumers can expect to get soaked.
Meanwhile the indoor climate will remain constant with a persistent dry recovery rumored by spring run-off, when disturbances, punctuated by torrential tremors and blinding light, will increase to epic proportions. Highs today would hover and dip then jolt and bolt on the American and New York stock exchanges. Elevations above and below 11,000 feet will not be affected.
Across the central third of the nation it will remain flat, overcast, hot and humid with pockets of riveting boredom and frightening political conclusions. Out West, an imbalance will surface due to a low-pressure front arriving on the next day’s business.
Supply-side global warming has killed the philodendrons in the secret meeting vault and has depleted the snowpack reserves from our last fiscal year. Six-packs of northerly moisture from Canada are expected to alleviate that mini-crisis by the middle of the eek.
Bold face quotations include: “Tie down the horses – It’s a twister!” and “Only fools and tourists try to predict stock index futures.”
– Wendy Whether-Spoon