All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Notice
The most Honorable Melvin O’ Toole, in keeping with the highest diplomatic standards and sensitive protocol will not be returning phone calls (or compliments) until at least Cinco de Mayo as he will be indisposed, quite pleasantly, in warmer more exotic climes where the sport of baseball is still in the infant stages.
During January and February the former utility infielder and hit-by-pitch specialist will be fully occupied in his duties as talent scout for the Colorado Rockies in Central Laos. The team is reportedly looking for relief pitching. Sorry for any inconvenience. One can easily email Toole and should expect a quick and capable retort.
(Editor’s note: If you happen to know any exceptional Laotian relief pitchers (unlikely but who knows) please contact this website immediately. Failure to do so could be considered high treason from Chicago to Cleveland and from Los Angeles to Boston.)
Trump to Gold Leaf “The Wall”
President-elect Donald Trump likes 24-carrot gold leaf. He likes it all over his 5th Avenue Manhattan apartment. He likes the rococo design. He likes it in Las Vegas and if it passes in Congress a gold-leaf montage may decorate The Wall between the United States and Mexico.
Like many of Trump’s ego blasts and a parade of flamboyant landmarks the Wall will reflect a certain affluence level not enjoyed by many of Trumps fervent supporters.
Inside the aviary at the Trump Tower in New York City. lots of gold and new tax breaks for the rich.
“Money is no object,” said an unreliable source rumored to have the billionaire’s ear. “Imagine how proud we will be when the obstacle to illegal and undocumented immigration is complete. It will be a major triumph for corporeality all over the world.”
Although nothing has come to pass supporters of the construction say a combination of brick and mortar will be implemented and 100,000 workers will be employed. The projected completion date is January 2021.
“Trump is going to trouble assembling such a large work force without including some illegals,” said an Arizona man who demanded anonymity. “Plus his history as an employer may come back to bite him on his arse.”
The President-elect reportedly stiffed an estimated 300 workers when his Atlantic City casino went belly up and allegedly did not pay other contractors for work performed.
“That doesn’t mean squat,” said a Trump spokesman. “The American people have short memories and many appear comfortable with a wheeler-dealer in the White House. He’s going to make America great again.”
– Tommy Middlefinger
Faithful Encouraged to Shed Pounds Come Judgment Day
(Celestial Acres Special from Vacant Lot Magazine November 29, 2016)
The Good Folk, an inordinate number of whom are obese, are reminded that it might improve their eternal status to drop a few pounds before meeting their maker. Saying that these creatures are more likely to be hit by lightning or a meteor than their thinner compatriots.
In an emotional sermon the often flamboyant Rev. Phil Pharisee told his congregation that “your bodies are Temples of the Holy Spirit and that the heavenly hosts would not look too kindly on abuse of this kind. The preacher stopped short of saying there is no room in heaven for the chubby, as he has in previous outbursts.
“Jesus was skinny and so were his apostles,” said Pharisee. “They ate loaves and fishes, not fast food. They took care of their bodies according to the teachings of the Old Testament and adapted their regimen to the New Testament. Many of you have trouble getting out of your cars and can barely fit through the doors of this strip mall cathedral,” he bellowed. “I don’t care if you are the best Christian on earth! I don’t care if you pray all day! I don’t care that you rebuke Satan! The Pearly Gates are only so wide.”
Pharisee, who weighs in at a little over 112 pounds, has been particularly critical of his portly brethren since opening his devotional hallway in the Paradise Mall on the outskirts of town. He is best known for his popular television program Baptist Bartender that continues to run in the South and Midwest. His best-selling book The Missionary Position on UFOs has sold millions of copies.
Spiritual competitors say Pharisee is a charlatan who is only in the religion business for the money. An unresolved lawsuit brought by Angel Hair Trailer Park (the site of his last church) asserts that he left unpaid utility bills and holes in the bathroom walls. According to a prosecuting attorney here Pharisee left a trail of bad debts saying that The Lord would pay his creditors when he returns for the Rapture or Second Coming.
“That’s going to be one hell of a party,” he snickered, which will separate the true believers from the charlatans.”
– Pepper Salte
GATHERERS ARRIVING DAILY
(Montrose) The airport, no sooner back to normal with the last of the out-of-towndeer and elk hunters vamoosing, is now inundated with another nightmare anthropological group. This year the annual migration of rifle totters is accentuated by the presence of more than 100,000 gatherers.
The gatherers, the secondary component to the ancient order of humankind, have long been linked to hunters, making up a precedent to agrarian sects, Sumerian brew masters and the more sophisticated Puritan-Abolitionist-Yankee Insurance Linkage Conspiracy.
The gatherers, a rough, hungry looking pack of beggars, wasted no time in their struggle to feed themselves and their shabby offspring. Roots, berries, small trees and shrubs fell before the mighty onslaught. Later in the afternoon the barbaric hordes confiscated parking bunkers, lights, road signs, county commissioners and even bits of asphalt before moving on to high country redoubts along the Uncompahgre Plateau, rainy Dry Creek and the painfully crooked Straights of Colonese Guinea.
“Frankly we’re happy to have these folks around this time of the year,” quipped Melvin Toolini, executive director of the Chief Colorow Soil Conservation District. “Not only do they haul out a lot of debris but they keep the hunters in check.”
Gatherers, associated with hunters since before Freud, are quieter and usually far more sober than the average orange-clad meat seeker. They travel in small bands (often without a decent bass player), shadowed by teeming ox carts crammed full of everything from discolored banana peels to rusty snuff cans to impartial elk droppings to soggy balls of string to curious Spam tins to discarded passages of the United States Constitution.
“We observed one hunched-over gatherer attempting to digest the Bill of Rights just the other afternoon on Simms Mesa,” said Toolini, “but the federals happened by, and with the aid of complacency, succeeded, in driving the madman off into the dark Forest of Illiteracy.
For the uninitiated, the Constitution and Bill of Rights are very dangerous documents that, falling into the wrong hands, could threaten our way of life here in Corporate America. Recreational application of this kind of propaganda usually leads to heroin use.
The gatherers are expected to remain in the region until everything is gathered. Then they will move to the Confront Range where their massive warehouses are located.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
OBAMA GETS LAST LAUGH
With his days in office dwindling, President Barack Obama hosted a rare press conference this morning “to put things in perspective.”
In a jousting mood, the Chief Executive told reporters that he got a good laugh when senselessly attacked by dumb throwbacks in the House of Representatives who accused him of being an alien and the anti-Christ.
“It’s partially true…I have no U.S. birth certificate because I was not born here nor have I ever even bothered to become a citizen of this country. However I have been the President of your country for the past eight years. Who has been caught with his pants down here?”
Obama stressed that he had not seized any guns, appointed any Black Supreme Court justices or started any new wars since ascending to the Presidency. He admitted that he had successfully pulled the wool over the eyes of the voters:
“I am a Communist Muslim Anarchist Maoist and member in good standing of the Black Panther Party,” said the President. “There…now are you happy?”
In a related development the Obama family will paint the White House over the holidays prior to vacating the premises. Insiders say the family is leaning toward a mauve/chocolate with rainbow trim. An administration spokesperson was quick to add that nothing in a final color scheme had been decided.
Rumor # 611: Obama will not surrender the Presidency. Instead he is creating a radical urban dictatorship based on jazz and basketball. Plans for a system of liberal, solar re-education camps for throwbacks – in Kenya – is already in the works. We all know he has been speaking to school children in quasi-commie code: Manx sounds like Marx to me. Finally, his administration is planning a commie coup but waiting until his last full week in office to put the plan into action. The coup is supported by Vladimir Putin, Miles Davis and the Hong Kong Five, with Dennis Rodman starring as the ghost of Imelda Marcos..
FALL TV PROGRAMS STIMULATING
(New York) Here are some of the more imaginative television shows for fall with a short synopsis of the first episode.
ALL THE TEA IN CHINA – A 3-year-old computer hack isolates a secret code, breaks into Pentagon memory banks and orders the bombing of Shanghai cablevision installations despite a weekend ban on campfires.
COOKING WITH LITIGATION – The pilot program traces the 1997 nightmare caused by giant mushrooms clogging Slumgullion Pass while anti-fungal crews risked everything to return to the status quo. When Zen prosecutors arrive on the scene aspen trees turn to celery sticks and marsh wasp impersonators promise the moon. Justice is served on a steaming bed of rice.
GREAT CITIES OF AMERICA – The first show chronicles the nightlife to be found in Columbus, Ohio.
JUST US HUMUS – Jim Bob tries to convince Lucinda to go out with him even though he’s been transformed into a glass of ice tea. Junior is in jail again but his pickup is running. Love scenes are pushing the limit on sugar and lemon.
WHAM-SLAM-BAM – Can pagan babies make it in the NBA? Find out yourself as one jiveless ex-Welfare family embraces capitalism in size 20 sneakers. Exclusively on The Pagan Baby Network. Sponsored by Nun Block Salve.
THE SPANDEX MYSTERY THEATER – RVs full to the brim with seeping garbage are shot into space just as Cynthia hears from Rob and Dave sleeps with Josephine. Arlo’s See-Thru Fashion line gets the nix in the Garment District and the price of vermouth skyrockets.
HILLBILLY HEAVEN – Transient Frog Boy antics upset second-home owners near Telluride. Joe’s nuclear cell phone ends up at the bottom of an abandoned Marshal Basin mine shaft with Joe stuck to it. The cops will have to investigate.
ARIZONA’S FUNNIEST BATHROOM VIDEOS – Veronica enjoys her 80th birthday having survived a bubble bath while her worthless off-spring attempts to siphon off champagne. Nice desert sunsets break up the suspense. The social flow is soon interrupted by a visit from the always thirsty Brian the Geek with the afternoon racing form.
SAN JUAN SAGAS – In a vain attempt to preserve the Needles Rain Forest Alferd Packer returns to his old haunts and eats the Ouray-Silverton Truck Driving Academy for lunch.