All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

UNDER THE TREE ’16

One intrusive and bothersome tradition that cannot be escaped over the holidays is our gift givers guide. We know that many of you are too busy sorting credit card offers, worrying Russian hackers and watching television to get around to any meaningful shopping for others. That’s why we’ve put together this varied roster of marginally functional premiums sure to tickle someone’s slippers on Christmas morning. And new in 2016 is our flagship San Juan Horseshoe Gift Insurance which protects the covered receiver from tasteless ties, bad chocolates and sweet perfumes. It even contains a clause undressing potential disappointments in the children’s sector as well as worthless knick-knack storage credits for the elderly.

WATCHED POT PLANT GROWER/INDUCER – Fits over the face like a view-finder or diving mask. Guaranteed to grow healthy house plants in just hours. Halogen light encourages lightening-fast maturity. Effective on everything from tomato plants to sensitive ivies and herbs. Comes with starter set, reversible lenses, carbon-monoxide film, foul weather gear. Why wait for plants to sprout the old way? Not suggested for Christmas trees or mistletoe. $159.99 at guerilla florists.

ARAB ALLIES SHOWER CURTAIN – Now it’s there, now it’s not. The transparent, anti-microbial, mildew-resistant vinyl-lined shower curtain protects from leakage and wandering eyes. Many come with simulated maps of Mideast tribal boundaries before European intervention in the 19th Century. Velcro attachments make cleaning a breeze. Simply hose it down. Doubles as a turban or chador in a fashion emergency. Matching prayer rug opens into American or British flag in the event of carpet bombing. $44.95 at Potties-Are-Us and other fine bath boutiques. Be sure to check out the digital toilet paper dispenser display and the revolving chrome toilet seats that few of us will be able to afford to be without this Yuletide.

FIND CHENEY GAME – It’s almost 2017. Do you know where your former Vice President is? Dick could be in Wyoming or maybe in Alaska drilling for crude. Maybe he’s on the Moon. Nobody knows in the beginning of the game which is played with a deck of aces and some little tanks and planes. The board, made exclusively of lamb’s wool, combines a colorful alpine backdrop with disappearing employee pension funds. Spy-Right wardrobe accessories assure that Cheney will remain out of the public eye. Dress him for any occasion, maybe a White House luncheon, maybe a stockholder’s meeting. Take Dick to the golf course where he lies about everything…even his golf scores! The first player to determine what Dick is up to is the winner. $19.95 at most gun shops and toy stores. Decoys slightly extra. After mastering the intricacies of this underhanded version consumers may want to move on to the FINDING DONALD TRUMP GAME expected to be released in February.

WALT’S RUBBER GARAGE LINER – Developed by local technician who grew tired of running into the garage with his car. Protects all four walls and insulated the electric door too! Somewhat bulky and difficult to apply without rubber tools and rubber hat. Effective against herd animals, drunks and tax assessors. Factory colors sure to match any garage decor. From the outside it looks like a normal garage but from the inside it resembles a cartoon rubber cave complete with windows and animated fossil fuel exhaust. Go ahead…Close your eyes and floor it. You’ll just bounce off! $129.99 at auto supply outlets. See living display at most local jails.

PEEING CHERUB SET – Perfect gift for the nouveau riche on your list. Decadence with a giggle. Classic pose accented by wrought-iron stand. Hand-caste resin statue beautifully detailed. Constant stream of consciousness from the personalized dangling participle. Brass or wicker with ivory-washed finish. Sorry: Matching weather-resistant bird feeder not available until spring. Discount for more than one. Rarely returned, 100% customer satisfaction assured. Movement sensitive lights, security buzzer, remote control directional flow and tinted water optional. $1099.99 at Clone Depots.

VIAGRA JOGGING SUIT – They’ll just have to see you coming with this trademark limited-edition jogging suit from your friends at Viagra. Soft-Corinthian spandex with logo prominently displayed in at least four places on garment. Give someone a leg up this holiday season with fashion that says virility all over it. Available in okra, burnt cocoa or fire engine red. As advertised on Monday Night Football. $99.99 at athletic clothiers and surviving local pharmacies.

AIRLINE FOOD PROCESSOR/READING LAMP – Perfect for the globe trotter on your list. Easy to smuggle past security just to see if you can. Takes all that chemically-packed space food and turns it into an edible survival experience. Simply place unwrapped food items into processor and push button. In moments it kicks out a compact bale or freeze-dried cube that makes an interesting, if not nutritious, lunch or dinner. Many experienced high altitude diners use their processor on the ground too since airport food is equally suspicious. Accompanying reading lamp doesn’t work very well but makes a great place to hide miniatures from temperance elements within the attendant population. $35.00 standby.

DEATH OF A SALESMAN PHONE KAZOO/WHISTLE – Everyone must be getting sick and tired of telephone solicitors with flat out amazing offers. Blow them off the line with the patented defense parameter beeping mouth harp. Hits a pitch that only pushy telemarketers can hear. Battery operated and compatible with answering machines so as to blast unwanted callers even when one is not home. Nickel-plated brass, dog hair repellent, easy to store. $31.99 with launcher. Order before December 24 and receive six free Scottish Highland Bagpipe Lessons (a $29 value). Offer good at pontificating merchants only.

MAIL BOX MINE FIELD – Protect yourself and your mail from terrorists this holiday season with the Homeland Security Mail Box Booby Trap Mine Ensemble. Schematic features mining blueprint for up to twenty-five yard circumference. Suited for networking in the neighborhood. Powerful detonator effective with the slightest touch. Combination lock or light sensitive device makes in impenetrable to intruders. Works great on moles, crows and other yard pests. Tests on bear-proof trash cans and child-proof prescription containers pending. $200.00 for expanded explosive selection, fuses and tiny identification camera. Not responsible for damages to rubber garage liners or peeing cherubs.

PATRIOT CELL PHONE – In red, white and blue. Show your support for world domination while you chat away mindlessly with friends and relatives. See-through for technical support maneuvers, caller ID to help round up suspicious citizens who don’t think the right way. Rear-projection device allows for display of U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights on the refrigerator door for those who still read. Vibrator allows for relaxation between calls. Monitoring hookup flashes when device is unplugged. Comes with National Security ID Bow Tie, fog-free blinders and ear plugs, official gov’ment neck weight and neon brain truss which creates up to 20,000 simulated brain impulses per byte. $39.95 per month.

KILLER INSTINCT BRONCO FIELD GOAL TOASTER OVEN – Start a fire under someone this Christmas with the sports appliance that everyone in the press box is talking about. State-of-the-art clock management, conservative quartz elements, choking mechanism prevents burn-out. Heats up great for about 45 minutes then cools off for the fourth quarter. Replaceable quarterbacks complimentary. Perfect for the golf course in early January too! Blocks dangerous UV field goals under the lights. $45.99 at sports memorabilia shows nationwide.

COMBINATION TRASH CATAPULT/LITTER BOX FAN
/BAGUETTE AIR FRESHENER SYSTEM – It may not be the best gift but it might be the biggest! Let’s start with the trash. Avoid dangerous treks to the garbage quadrant by hurling your debris. Why deal with ice, terrorists and dangerous four-legged predators all winter. Next we discover a handy litter box fan (three speeds) that keeps the odor down even while the cat’s away. If this isn’t strong enough just screw open the top of what looks like a simple loaf of bread and get rid of all other household smells instantly. Warning: Consumers have reported some confusion when using all of these devices simultaneously. Although tragedies are varied no one as yet has been killed. $699.99

TWENTY-THOUSAND LEAGUE BASEBALL MEMORABILIA – Discarded dental floss once used by Reggie Jackson, dirty socks collected from the Milwaukee Brewers’ locker room from 1999-2016 (complete set), a shampoo bottle emptied by a utility infielder who has moved on to the used car business. Too good to be true? Forget the days when players signed autographs for free, and Mantle and Mays roamed the outfield without a financial portfolio. Sod from the Astrodome, Rod Carew’s car seat, paycheck stubs from wrecked Rockies’ starting pitchers, a video rental receipt once thought to be the property to Andres Galaraga. The list goes on. No sports addict can resist! Market price.

THE COMING RETIREMENT ALARM CLOCK AND STAR WARS LAMPSHADE – Is someone on your shopping list about to take the big plunge into official retirement? Buy them the only alarm clock that not only counts the days until release from occupational bondage but also refuses to go off in the morning. Accompanying turntable base nuclear umbrella lampshade adds a little security to an otherwise frightening future. This gem slices, trims, mulches, waxes, purifies, embalms, soothes, magnetizes, downsizes, fattens, shakes, polishes and engages in a further an assortment of other verbs left over from our pile of notes for this article. $6,000 if the creek rises.

AL QUAEDA TRAVEL MIRROR – Why do these people hate us? Take a look for yourself. Framed by 50 years of foreign policy, accentuated by petroleum based distrust and cluttered conflicts the source of which no one cares to remember. Turn the magic dial and the human image will appear as thin as the average Palestinian refugee or the fattened desert prince. Laptop available. $1.2 million.

EVANGELICAL HEARING AIDE – Is someone on your list still talking to the power upstairs? You can insure their clear reception all hours of the day or night with this tiny metaphysical hearing aide from Salvation Optics. Keep the channels open and the message infallible. Comes with translation materials and phrase book in case God prefers to speak in Spanish. Non-transferable. One size fits all. $300,000. Financing available at most righteous electronic outlets.

FOR YOUR PET: This year sees a myriad of new products for our fur-bearing buddies. Probably the most impressive are the expanded collection of doggie tattoos and the runway car loader for fat dogs and cats. The pine beetle lattice talking elk head is another fine choice. It is sure to keep Rover or kitty busy for hours upon end!  Prices depend on tightness of leash laws and what side of the door you’re on.

FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, the reader, we ran out of time and space. Sorry we couldn’t review the VOICE-ACTIVATED DINGY, the perfect gift for the Yachtie; or the KING TUT GUITAR CASE, a genuine sarcophagus of King Tutankhamen. Likewise the SOFT DRINK CERAMIC TILE GROUT DISPENSER nor the already best selling “History of Hot Dogs” and “Photographing Bedroom Furniture” will receive the deserved notoriety of the season. We didn’t like the FISH HEAD CHARM BRACELET currently being pushed on Pee-Bay or the WORLD’S FAVORITE SIREN ENSEMBLES that the Salivation Army is selling. In Closing: The breakthrough MARTINI PILLS do work. If you’re just too busy to catch a buzz this season try one. They can be a great stress reliever but easy on the vermouth if you please.

Yuletide Duels #449

“Sir! You offend the feminine gender of the state of South Carolina with that careless talk of hoop skirts! I challenge you to a duel!”

And with the slap of a riding glove in Charleston, Count Marcourte set into motion a series of holiday duels unprecedented in American history. His opponent, a rank industrialist from Boston, was shot squarely through the forehead the next morning

A sellout crowd observed from a nearby hill.

The victim’s name was never clear. It was either Hazelrod or Hazelbloom, or something designating yellowish brown or worse. Count Marcourte had won the day and he revelled in his lopsided victory through the holiday season.
“No Yankee can hold a candle to a Southerner when it comes to combat,” said Marcourte. It was early June 1860.

The victorious count fought three more duels that year, winning all of them in the fine fashion displayed on that Charleston morning. In 1861, with the attack on Fort Sumter, Marcourte joined the Confederate Army and later lost an arm at Fredericksburg. After the war, he returned to the sport he loved so well and became a local legend as the finest one-armed dueler east of the Mississippi.

Finally, on Christmas Day 1879, Marcourte was struck between the eyes by an insubordinate clay brick of unknown origin. He lasted only moments.

SANTA TO DO BIC SHAVING COMMERCIAL

(North Pole) Santa Claus has agreed to appear in a series of television advertisements on behalf of BIC Corporation, makers of plastic, disposable razors.

Filming will begin after the Christmas holidays.

“We couldn’t think of a more famous beard than that matted, white mop that Santa displays on his cheeks and chin,” said a representative from BIC. “Sure, it would have been more effective to have him shave in November and do his thing without the beard but we don’t want to disappoint his younger clientele.”

According to the famous elf, his wife wanted him to shave last year but he refused. It was not clear whether financial considerations changed his mind or whether he just got sick of looking at all that hair in the mirror every morning.

“It’s no big deal,” said the BIC spokesman. “He’ll grow the thing back by March.”
The last time Santa shaved was way back in 1968 when he was concerned with being mistaken for a hippie. It was that same year that he was detained at the border until authorities could determine that he was who he claimed to be.

“It was an embarrassing situation for all of us,” remembers a border guard who questioned the elf back then. “The guy attempts to sneak across the border, then he insists he’s Santa Claus. What would you think? He has no paperwork, no identification, no visa. If it were not for that red suit and the reindeer we might never have made a positive identification.”

Groppo the Elf

White Flower Soup

December 11,  2016

Handsome, ambidextrous bagpiper will skirl a tune for weddings, funerals, graduations, mud wrestling competitions, breakfast meetings, alcohol seminars, brandings, shopping sprees, tree plantings, hangings, extra-marital affairs, forced marches, military interventions, homecomings, banishments, bachelor parties, giant slalom events, EMT classes, book burnings, race riots, exorcisms, lingerie modeling, final exams, looting excursions, engine overhauls, fragile tooth extractions, instinctual migrations, wanderlust. Look for our ad in the Jello Pages under Bagpiping.

Skullduggery by the half hour. We have been at it for 50 years and probably knew your father even if you did not. Ophir Wetlands. No strawberry pirates.

Sell Goldfish in Palembang! Unbelievable as it may seem openings exist! A self-degrading career in the magnificent world of tropical fish can be yours by tomorrow! Just mail in the cards from your gov’ment imposed reeducation lecture series #611, marked 3, 17 and 29 (18 and 30 if you are incarcerated). Failure to comply will result in doing time in a hard labor camp pegging lobsters while naked in the dark.

Self-motivated outdoorsman with a sharply pointed head needed for drilling operation in Wyoming. No Mother Frackers. Uniform provided. Must submit to drug tests. No smokers. Mud Pump Drilling, Gillette.

Anyone with information regarding an explosion at the Grizzly Bear Mine on November 2, 1895 is asked to wire the Ouray County’s Sheriff’s Office promptly. Reward adjusted for inflation.

300 effective gum massage techniques over the phone for just pennies a day. Dr. Oral Floss, Ant Farm Vista, Bicuspid Mall. Shopping for a new root canal. Dr Oral was a submariner!

For sale cheap: Cases of Beaujolais Nouveau that survived the Titanic and now the Democratic Convention. Emotional attachments. Bottled under the provisions of the 2016 Platform. High altitude squash and tomatoes too. Corkscrew Sally, Gladstoned.

Remember: Snow inspection is mandatory in Colorado!

Wanted: Hot Mama to view Star Trek reruns this winter. My social calendar is open Captain Schmirk, Starship Enterprise, Moline, IL.

Antidote for mistletoe in the wings?

After more than 50 years in the laboratory scientists think they may have stumbled onto an effective antidote for mistletoe. Sure enough, it’s nothing more than a strand or two of Creole Garlic! The researchers suggest wrapping one’s Christmas tree with the stuff, like the popcorn stringing ritual, and hanging the remaining garlic all around the house. One scientists says he even hangs a clove or two from his car mirror. Besides repelling unwanted advances of the opposite sex over the holidays, the garlic adds another decorative dimension when carefully interspersed with Christmas lights, bulbs and icicles. In addition to all this, most researchers say that holiday visits, and vampire traffic in general, drop almost in half when the garlic is displayed. Have a happy Christmas.

NOT TAUGHT IN HIGH SCHOOL HISTORY CLASS

(Bogota   Fun With Fruit Review   December 10, 2016)

In 1928 The United Fruit Company (fruit company from Louisiana) had banana plantation in Colombia; and the workers organized a strike against them. They demanded written contracts, eight-hour work days, six-day work weeks and the elimination of food coupons. The strike was one of the biggest strikes in Colombian history, and many communistic and Liberal parties participated.

U.S. officials in Colombia, along with United Fruit representatives, portrayed the worker’s strike as “communist” with “subversive tendency”. In telegrams to the U.S. Secretary of the government, the United States of America threatened to invade with the U.S. Marine Corps if the Colombian government did not act to protect United Fruit’s interests.

An unknown number of workers died after the conservative government of Miguel Méndez sent the Colombian army to end the union. An army regiment from Bogotá was dispatched by the government to deal with the strikers, which it deemed to be subversive. Whether these troops were sent in at the behest of the United Fruit Company did not clearly emerge.

The troops set up their machine guns on the roofs of the low buildings at the corners of the main square, closed off the access streets, and after a five-minute warning opened fire into a dense Sunday crowd of workers and their wives and children who had gathered, after Sunday Mass, to wait for an anticipated address from the governor.

General Cortés Vargas, who commanded the troops during the massacre, took responsibility for 47 casualties. In reality, the exact number of casualties has never been confirmed. Herrera Soto, co-author of a comprehensive and detailed study of the 1928 strike, has put together various estimates given by contemporaries and historians, ranging from 47 to as high as 2,000. Survivors, popular oral histories and written documents give figures 800-3000 killed, adding that the killers threw them into the sea.