All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

YULESCOPE

Attention Y’all Star Gazer Types: When ordering from the following cosmic menus please do so only by adjoining number. No substitutions. Parties of ten or more will be charged a 15% gratuity fee if they look like deadbeats. Remember: It is illegal to move around a Utah restaurant with a cocktail in your hand but, in most cases, you are in Colorado, so it’s OK.

 

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – January 21)

In order to succeed today, you must have the courage of your convictions, even though most are technically classified as misdemeanors. If you have no convictions, borrow some from a friend. If you really want to believe in something, don’t let the facts cloud your mind. Jump in with two or three feet. Things should proceed quite well this month just as long as you do not meddle in your own affairs. The key to enjoying the great outdoors is spending more time indoors. Consolidate copper finances.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 22 – Feb. 19)

Victory may have its cost, but over the long haul it is always cheaper than defeat. You shouldn’t have too much of a problem making decisions today if you simply ignore all possible options. Your chart indicates that rewards are on the way, but it also indicates that you are prime for a collision with a panel truck. It will become quite difficult to follow your instincts while attempting to lead. Store all holiday fruitcake carefully. After a few months fermenting, it could give you a welcome buzz come February.

PISCES (Feb. 20 – March 20)

Today is a good time to write letters. Try with the five vowels first and move into the 21 consonants when you are ready. Crayons are a girl’s best friend but a pen and pencil set makes a better Christmas present. Despite what you have been lead to believe: Pocket protectors do little else than protect pockets. Distance yourself from nuclear waste. Someone very close to you may not be as perceptive or resourceful as you are. Go for the throat and you will no doubt come out with well-groomed scalps. Overcome your self-doubt with the realization that much comfort comes by embracing general incompetence. Your fly is open.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

That big red nose could won’t front for a little white lie. Experiment with half-truths plus ten percent. When dealing with your emotions or a side dish of reality, stick to the children’s portions. You are in a cycle demanding careful management of your resources. Set on delicate and add bleach. Keep one eye on the stock market and the other two on your piggy bank. Avoid the temptation to showboat while dumpster diving. Nobody likes grandstanding, with the possible exception of the rats.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll never find a sugar daddy (or momma) with that sour look on your face. If we get to heaven on the arms of people we’ve helped, do we go to hell riding on the asses we’ve kicked? Warmer relationships are a sure thing this month especially if you spend it in South America. Initiate romance by brushing your teeth. While potentially harmful, erratic behavior is better than no behavior at all. Memorize the numbers and letters on your license plate. These combinations could win the lottery.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Obsessive concern over trendy fashion could be your downfall. Try wearing whatever clothes you find on the floor, next to the bed, each morning. Exude a snotty apathy and people will notice your outfit. Understanding the complexities of the modern world may require an occasional glance beyond your proboscis. Avoid split pea soup with dangling participles and tip big through the 26th. 2016 was a great year to diet. Using adjectives that one does not understand will ultimately lead to adverbial abuse from peers.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Buckle under pressure. Sure, it can be embarrassing but it beats having one’s chin kicked in. Be patient with your worst enemy today, since he is the only one who still talks to you. Count to 10 before reacting to a conflict. If this is too much mental strain, try counting to 8 or 7. How can a lover expect you to make a commitment when you can’t even make the bed? Attempts to control your own destiny may fall short today. Instead, let fate roll the dice, but only if it has the hot hand. Shooting first and asking questions later might alleviate a lot of useless chatter but may generate problems in the legal arena. Pay all Bills. Anyone named John, Mary or Bob can just wait.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Your magnetic personality could leave you stuck this month. Avoid metal objects larger than the plate in your head. Cupid may be sitting on your shoulder this month. Check for stains. Fantasies and realities blend well at this time but so do rum, pineapple and coconuts. Winning isn’t everything. There’s always losing. Be careful what you say this month, since someone might actually be listening. Your ability to do nothing for long periods of time is astounding to tree sloths. Stay upwind from berry eating bruins, hibernating or not.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

A positive philosophical attitude and outlook should help you rationalize almost anything through the month. May and June look good for you, but until then the best approach is to hang out. It’s amazing what a little dry wall and carpet can do for your rock. Breaking a sweat may be better than breaking the scale. Take house plants for a long walk. Grab the offensive this month by scrutinizing others before they scrutinize you. Don’t burn bridges at both ends this holiday season. Libido flows everywhere. Invest in a sturdy mop and bucket ensemble.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

Join a peer group sometime soon. Avoid redneck elves with opinions up their sleeves. Santa Claus is real, but you are not. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating or drinking your limit. Don’t you think it’s high time you got physical with knickknacks? Driving through a red light is better than stopping for a green one. Hate Christmas? So did Joe Stalin. Jesus was a Capricorn. You are a worthless Libra. Tonight: Take a bath with your livestock.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 22)

Your prospects for financial gain are excellent if you simply dress the part. A ski mask is essential, as well as subtle jewelry, light makeup, sensible footwear and a tasteful handbag. Don’t count you chickens before the cows come home to roost or something. Imitate the proud jackass. He has somehow ascended your family tree, which is now prime for the trimming. Endangered yet lecherous horned owls will make a nest in your best boxer shorts. Personality quirks are not likely to disappear until you do. Have your spleen removed before the prices go up! Kokanee illusions could get you into hot water with the fish and game people.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21)

Winter is here. How about a nice root canal to go with it? There will be great relief from the frustrations associated with shorter daylight hours, as television bowling is about to hit prime time. Weekends will be full of something undefined. Diversions from the work/school could include experimentation with potato vodka. Your kid has been named Most Valuable Player on his charm school football team. Your dog is at risk. A few hours spent on housebreaking techniques could save the rug and give both of you a strong sense of accomplishment.

– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Ontologist, Pawn of the Elements

CRESTED BUTTE CHESTNUTS

(December 20, 2016  —  with your host, Melvin Tooltide)

Molly Missing

It looks like curtains for Amax Mining Company and its plan to mine Red Lady. According to the massive corporation someone has stolen all the molybdenum from the proposed site. It was not clear who was responsible for the theft or how they managed to pull off such a feat without detection by local law enforcement personnel.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” said an exited member of the High Country Citizens Alliance, a group that has fought Amax since the 70s.

Apparently the moly was illegally extracted from Red Lady without so much as a scratch to the mountain. It was then hauled over Kebler to an undisclosed landing strip and flown to freedom elsewhere.

“I don’t believe it,” said one Crested Butte town councilman. “Now we can resume our ancient priorities and use all that water to make snow.”

No one at any level of authority would comment on CBMR’s plan to build 40,000 new condo eunuchs at the base of Yellow River and additional affordable employee housing at the top of Teocali Lift.

“At least skiing is environmentally sound,” said one walking press release.
The Amax Corporation promised to get to the bottom of the heist and bring the criminal element to heal.

“Claim jumping will not be tolerated,” said one mine boss.

CBMR to purchase “feeder college”

Crested Butte Mountain Resort announced plans to purchase Western State University as a feeder facility by the end of the month. Although details are sketchy it appears that the ski resort wants to assure the presence of skier days and provide a place to educate the public as to space charges.

“We don’t know what space charges are but we’ll be offering an academic explanation real damn soon,” said Dr. Ethel Marmotbreath, coordinator of the controversial acquisition.

“The formula is elusive but has something to do with the multiplication of .0175 by the number of college grads flipping burgers in the Gunnison Valley. Now when students cut morning classes they can buy a half day ticket and nobody will tell their parents.”

Feds Allocate millions in search of Buttheads

Despite an image as anti-cloning, the White House has put aside an additional 3.4 million dollars earmarked for canine potty control in the nation’s ski towns. At present the research has bogged down and proponents of the program now say they’ll need more money to finish the job.

“What began as a ridiculous result of hands-on gov’ment meddling has now stranded itself in the alleys and vacant lots of towns like Crested Butte,” said Rocky Flats, blueprint specialist attached to the Department of the Inferior. “It’s simple…Either we extend cleanup efforts or go right to the source of the problem. Normally we can skate through March but on a light snow year we could all be up Shiite Creek.”

How or when local dogs will be hermetically sealed and subject to inspection was not disclosed. Flats, who made millions marketing marmot dung as the aphrodisiac of the 90s, the program will give new meaning to “the big dump”.

Interested parties can offer their input by stopping by the departmental offices located inside the Pooper Park Chalet anytime between now and Valentine’s Day.

– Tommy Moddlefinger

Horseshoe Open 24 Hours Over Holidays

(Ouray, Colorado  —  Yuletide Sparks  —  December 19, 2016)

The San Juan Horseshoe will extend its normal hours for the December holidays. In a departure from closing when the sun goes down the paper will keep its doors opened “all day and all night” so as to accommodate last minute shoppers, thirsty travelers and persons looking to get a last minute bet down before football shifts into overdrive.

“We had to look long and hard at the possibility of staying open,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe from his cat-bird seat high above Box Canyon Falls. “The light bill is bad enough just operating during regular business hours.”

A hastily constructed reception desk will be manned by Al Qaeda suspects recently picked up by a Homeland Security sweep through the local Wal-mart parking lot.

“They’re a shifty bunch,” quipped Horseshoe, “and potentially dangerous but its next to impossible to get good help this time of the year.”

The Horseshoe offices effected are located adjacent to the Camp Bird turn-off south of town, and across from the Wimpton Mental Health Clinic in the Edith Bunker National Forest. A full Irish breakfast will be served.

-Warren of Wexley

Or perhaps a bowl of coal?

In Vietnam: Use your noodle!

Hoi An, Quang Nam, Vietnam  —  December 17, 2016

As a young Vietnamese boy, who was practicing his English, said to me last evening “Good morning!” He was so proud of himself that I responded in Vietnamese: “Good morning to you, young man” even though it was well past 8 pm.

I’m spending the winter on the coast in Central Vietnam at Hoi An, an ancient city of about 500,000 which, if it were in Dong (Vietnamese currency), would be about $22. It’s very nice here, even in rainy season, although the fields are flooded and getting to town for food requires irrigation boots and hungry perseverance.

This too will pass, or I’ll soon be swimming in the East Sea. I keep a fresh pair of swimming trunks near the door just in case, along with a bottle of French Champagne for some mystical voyage that may be in the wings.

This morning the river is over its banks. My pathway is flooded but I have beer, cheese, tomatoes, baguette, a can or two of unidentified fish and plenty of music. The silver lining is that my neighbor is bringing me chicken and rice because she is worried about me. I’ll have to fake complete helplessness so as to assure dinner as well.

The price of rowboats is up and business at the beach is down. The sun is expected to come out in January. Everyone here just smiles and goes along with the flow, but I hope not literally. Can we say sand bags?

I may look like an old fart but I’m a bona fide mountain old fart (alpinus crabiscus flatulentus) and capable of keen basic survival and remarkably clear thought when Mother Earth gets pissed off. Ja sure…You betcha.

In Colorado it is often too dry. Here in Quang Nam Province everything is too damn wet. Even the dust is wet. Even the dry goods are wet. If they had dry cleaning and static electricity they would be wet too.

My dentist, originally from the Bay Area, who served as a Special Forces medic in South East Asia, told me he was so wet for his tour that he swore he would move to the dry high desert. So, after the service, he moved to Cedaredge where the sun is high and the skin cream is in every cupboard.

Xin chao!

The Chinese took over Vietnam in 2000 BC, stopped to wash their dirty socks (see Chinese laundry) then had to wait until 900 AD for them to dry. In those 1000 years these new tenants had a major impact on the language. Then in the 1600s the new landlords, the French, Romanized the language which makes it easier to read and write for us Westerners.

Learning Vietnamese is like a shaky morning wino trying to work on a jigsaw puzzle from his cardboard bed on the street, only a little more unsettling.

I seem to be butchering Vietnamese quite nicely but learning some very useful Australian from my new mates here. Most of it isn’t appropriate for the parlor. Imagine that.

When I’m too tired to study I go for walks around town which are often delightful, although eyeballing the hens in my soy can result in a ferocious attack by a skinny junior rooster who fears no one.

 

 

My favorite pastime is watching people wrapped up in plastic bags, driving motorbikes in water up to their knees from an elevated porch downtown with cheroot and ice-cold LaRue beer in hand.

In the ancient town of Hoi An capitalism rages. It would put Madison Avenue to shame. “You buy something? yells the lady in the shop across the narrow street. Yesterday troupes of go-getters were trying to sell me anything from a plastic rain suit to a thorough ear cleaning (and eyebrow trim) to plump little piglets in a burlap sack. I’m a sucker for a good salesman and I bought everything they had.

Ba Le Market is even more stimulating than downtown (in a fruits and vegetables kind of way) although I did manage to buy two chartruese bath towels with little yellow puppies on them. Prices are more fixed here than in the center where one never pays the first three or four prices chanted or scribbled down.

That’s very pedestrian of you

Like most emerging places in the world if you are on foot it is clear that you must not be able to afford other modes of transport. If, as Bob Marley said, “Me feet be me only chariot” you could find yourself in limbo. The street crossings are marked for decoration only. Go ahead. Try it if you don’t believe me.

Yesterday I almost collided with a toothless grandma carrying a ten-foot piece of rebar, wearing a faded Giants cap, on a chopped Yamaha. That’s all I can remeber about the incident. I’m not sure she even took note of it. At least she didn’t try to sell me anything. In the real New World Order she would be delivering a piza and listening to Bach too.

Annoying horns, better than wrecks, blast at every intersection rounding out the chaotic scenario. Schools of pedalling fish pass pagodas by on bicycles It is something to behold but not at all over the top. Life is celebrated all around me. A smile and a tear.

Jimmy, the local pot dealer wears a hat with an American flag on it but like most Americans has never read Thomas Jefferson. He looks like someone who needs to direct his intellect in other more creative ways but I doubt he will. Jimmy is a big Dodger fan and my love of baseball creates opportunities in the herbal market place.

He wants to move to California.

Meanwhile the neighbors see me as a combination Damon Runyan/ Walter Cronkite. They think I’m writing an important story with international, even cosmic, implications when actually I am day dreaming or taking an afternoon nap.

I haven’t seen so much as one cop in three weeks. Probably some commie plot.

Excellent Eats

In Hoi An a baby’s first word is not always Mama or Papa but often Cao Lau (a pork- based noodle dish with crisp-fried onion, sliced pork and assorted greens.) It is traditionally eaten for breakfast.

Today I sit munching incredible chicken and noodles with chopsticks and tiny napkins perched on what looks to be plastic children’s furniture. Then there are spring rolls and grilled tofu along with ginger fish sauce  After just three weeks I have become pathetically addicted to the food.

Watch out for the little green peppers. They make jalapeños taste like tapioca pudding. The red ones are even hotter. The only known antidote is yellow snow that must be imported from the mountains in faraway China. The Central coast is known for spicy food which is often exported to the sets of Hanoi and Saigon (HCMC) dramas (soap operas) to induce tears.

Over 45% of Vietnamese words have origins in Chinese. 60% of these translate loosely as “Let’s stop and eat”

In the vegetarian restaurants on Li Thai Do when a tourist asks for
a fork they have to send one of the kids to the neighbors to borrow one.

Start with the Can Lau and you’ll discover what might be the healthiest cuisine on the planet. Just ask that strapping water buffalo in the rice paddy next door.

After a nice bowl of noodles I wander down my soy toward my house in Cam Chau neighborhood. Ah, here we are, at my steep, slippery wheel chair access ramp that whispers “please be careful in the rain or you may end up in a one.”

Here comes my Vietnamese teacher. I have to go in now.

– Kevin Haley

Next time:
“Crossing the International Date Line Single”

“Go upstairs.”  – response from Dung (pronounced Jzung), my Vietnamese neighbor when I asked what I should do if the flood water started coming into the house (meaning unplugging the appliances, securing the porch plants and turning off the electricity and protecting the furniture).

Obama Cuts in Hoi An, Vietnam