All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Eagles Back Home
(Almont December 26, 2016) After spending the summer in the Flathead River Basin in Montana one might consider wintering in Mexico. It would be the perfect combo. However if you’re a bald or golden eagle the East River may look even better.
“It’s got the kind…you know the kind of fish that makes their beaks stiff,” said Ruthie Roosterson, a spokesman, and little else, over at the Fish and Game Department. “They like the trees and the sunshine, the cold temperatures and the DOW too.”
The proud birds migrate south to Gunnison County in about November, stick around until early spring, then head north again. Although a complicated process the eagles seem to have it down, especially after centuries of repetition.
“It’s something to do with instinct and monogamy,” says Roosterson. “The eagles make life look effortless. There are plenty of folks who could take a lesson here.”
Eagles are generally monogamous, and, with the exception of New Year’s Eve, keep the same mate for life. Many residents here gain a certain security by witnessing their punctual return each fall.
If you wish to observe the birds of prey, take note: They can see you far better than you can see them. Getting out of your vehicle and progressing toward the river bottom only causes them to fly away. Urban viewers: There are no signs or flashing lights to identify the eagle’s domicile. So you are on your own on this one and may have to invest a few minutes searching the tall trees for the birds.
EAGLE OFFICE HOURS: Office hours are currently from 9 am to 2 pm Monday through Friday through the holidays. Extended hours are expected during heavy turkey season. Lame ducks prohibited. PLEASE DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH EAGLES ON THE WEEKEND. It confuses the salmon and causes a negative effect on the entire eco-system as far away as Southern California.
– Small Mouth Bess
My Christmas present arrived last August
Declan Martin Haley getting into the Yuletide flow with a friend on his first Christmas – photo by Michelle Haley
Christmas Eve Blowout Feared
Downtown Colona December 24, 2016
Rogue elements of the Short Angels, an elfin sleigh gang have pledged to go ahead with a decadent rendezvous slated for Christmas Eve it was reported this morning. The elves, normally engaged in Santa-assist duties this time of the year, are apparently blowing off legendary responsibilities in favor of the bash.
“We know how these little pixies get when they get into the drink,” flexed Tim Finnegan, a Log Hill resident who is primed for trouble. “Last year they held up traffic and started bonfires all over town. What happened to the charming little sprites who used to roast chestnuts over an open fire and all that?”
Last year motorists where constantly harassed along Highway 550 as the evil brownies sought funding for their sinful display. Several drivers were forced out of their cars and into the cold December night by the foul smelling elves.
Sleigh gangs from the North Pole and Canada are expected to descend on the peaceful burg on about December 22 with the revelry screeching into the new year. Looting is expected.
“New Year’s Eve would be a good time to stay away from the downtown strip,” said the rifle wielding local. “That’s when we plan to match muscle for muscle. We’ve had enough of their crap.”
– Big Tinnie
WARNING TO ALL CITIZENS
With the holidays upon us local residents and visitors alike are hereby warned that the artsy-craftsy types are out in force and could be working your neighborhood at this very moment. These annoying individuals can even be observed going through the winter garbage in order to satisfy their creative obsessions. Fresh from looting the alleys they will then return to their little hovels and attempt to turn stinky milk cartons into furry little bunnies and even fashion Yuletide headgear from pizza boxes or banana crates. Please watch your coffee grinds since these warped craftspersons will often attempt to reconstruct replicas of ski villages from soggy grinds and bits of aluminum. Bird houses are particularly popular, especially within circles of depraved artists who intend to spend the rest of the winter somewhere warm, with your money as a cushion. To further illustrate our point were you aware that the state of Colorado reported that over 400 traffic signs were stolen between December 1 and December 20 in 1999 alone? Many turned up as pirated lazy susans by New Year’s Eve. The best advice? Withhold all your garbage until after the new year. This way a concerned citizen deprives these parasites of the raw materials necessary to continue the age-old assault on all that is still right and decent within our borders. If this doesn’t work we suggest a small caliber pistol at close range. Sure, that’s radical but considering the circumstances…With the cops out patrolling the bars for revelers during the holidays we must take matters into our own hands or soon there will be no garbage left to hand down to our children. Lest we forget, we are all responsible for the trash that we generate until it hits the landfill and that’s the American way. -Editor
