All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
¿EL PES TIENE ALMAS?
Reflexiones del reverendo Phil Pharisee
Muchos de ustedes han preguntado: Reverendo Phil, ¿los peces tienen almas? Bueno, ¿nunca has oído hablar de filete de lenguado? Escuchen, hermanos y hermanas, no tengo ni idea. Mi sermón de esta semana trata sobre los trenes de manejo y las transmisiones lentas, pero lo haré girar. Aquí está el gancho: si las tijeretas, las moscas, las arañas y los perros de las praderas tienen almas, ¿por qué los peces no estarían igualmente equipados?
El hecho de que sean de sangre fría no significa que no puedan continuar con otra vida. ¿Deberíamos comerlos? Por qué no? No les importa Una vez que han sido atrapados, de todos modos están prácticamente vaciados. Oso comerlos y también muchos otros animales. Todo es parte del ciclo alimenticio, al igual que nuestro propio pasillo de alimentos congelados.
En realidad, a los peces les resulta muy fácil siempre y cuando no sean engullidos por otros peces. Mientras que el desove es inmoral, la puesta de huevos está perfectamente bien. Capturar truchas con una licencia es ridículo. A ellos les gustan mucho más los gusanos y los huevos de salmón. ¿Deberías usar un bote? Claro, siempre y cuando no entretengas pensamientos obscenos en el lago.
La otra noche, cuando estaba en una conferencia, sabes a quién me dijo, “Chill, Phil. Realmente puedo ponerme detrás de las personas que se ayudan a sí mismas y no me molestan con todos sus pequeños problemas, sus situaciones absurdas. tanto en uno como en el otro sin enfrentar las consecuencias. El asiento caliente está reservado para muchos de ellos que piensan que han asegurado un boleto de primera clase subiendo. Creo que otra Inquisición española despejaría el aire … “
Sincero. Entonces los peces sí tienen almas. Ahora hazle cosquillas a ese plato de recolección y sigue con tu vida. Ustedes chicos en el primer banco ahora estarán en la parte de atrás del autobús más tarde. Adiós.
MINING CLAIM JEOPARDIZES TOWN
The Up Yores Mine near Ames stands regally, perched on a cliff above the valley. Claims by the heirs here threaten to put an end to the expansion of the ski empire at Telluride.
(Telluride) A controversial mining claim, filed Thursday at the San Miguel County Quart House, could threaten future expansion in this resort. The claim, which dates back to 1894, states that the holder have complete access to veins of ore running under the town. Primary excavation is expected to begin next month.
“We thought we’d covered all the bases,” winced one town planner, “but we forgot to purchase the local mineral rights.”
Plans are already on the drawing board to move Telluride three miles to the west, along the Highway 145 Spur with the more fashionable upper east side of town relocating to Pandora.
The more than 200 banking institutions in town are expected to bail until the matter is resolved leaving account holders in limbo, not knowing whether to dig or go bowling. Many have taken to wielding picks and shovels in an attempt to get what’s rightfully theirs in the melee.
“It’s one hell of an approach to annexation,” said the planner. “I’m all in favor of the multi-use philosophy, but this has already gone too far.”
Many of the glitzy ski town’s second one owners have been throwing money at this and other chronic problems for decades but now it covers the streets and is threatening to flow or goods and services to the entire county.
– Atila Diggins
CB Planners Unveil Farm-Raised Parking Spaces
Valet condo spots in the works with county approval
(Gothic) Pedestrians and motorists seeking peace on Elk Avenue remain in the dark as to a revolutionary approach instituted by town officials today. The proposed New Age response to parking problems is perceived as typically organic and even quasi-funky-progressive by local inhabitants, who love to make up new words but actually constitute a small segment of drivers at high season.
The town could have opted for the mainstream, often toxic, parking units but decided to institute a blueprint that celebrates its good health and quality of life. Farm-raised parking spaces, as most of us have long realized, are not cheap, but they are more attractive, often maintenance free and the shelf life of each is outstanding.
Home grown, farm-raised organic parking spaces may soon grace the streets of Crested Butte if radical council members have their way.
The critically acclaimed, agriculturally elite, trophy parking spots are a giant step from the tainted, often grungy units now gracing most towns and cities from Miami to Moline. Plans to condo these parking places is inevitable and appears preferential to meters or those ugly parking garages that dot the urban landscape.
Crested Butte has gained national acclaim as the first community to openly sell parking spaces to residents and selected second-home owners during the lull of off-season. Leaders here feel that if other properties can achieve the condo status then so should parking spaces.
“The condo thing is an obvious next step. We spend a few more dollars now but in the end we get a better bang for the buck,” said Mayor-for-Life Jim Schmidt, who at first branded the idea as wasteful and ridiculous.
“I have come 360 on this,” he said. “I looked below the surface it was clear the farm-raised units were far more stable and certainly more in step with our local environmental concerns. Wild caught units have proven a liability in most ski towns due to related issues with bear and other hungry intruders.
Are these the rantings of people who have lived inside a bubble for too long or are they urban answers to rural annoyances in a town too popular for its own good? Only the evening shadow knows.
-Gabby Haze
Pea Green Answer Man
Dear Pea Green the Answer Man
How many national legal holidays do we have?
Mercury Man, Gunnison
Dear M. Man
Strictly speaking, there are no national legal holidays in the United States, not even the Fourth of July. The Federal Government has no Constitutional power to prescribe legal holidays in the various States. It can make holidays legal only in the District of Columbia and in the Territories. Even the Presidential proclamation designating a day of Thanksgiving each year does not make that day a national legal holiday. For commercial purposes the Federal Government in various acts of Congress has recognized Labor Day, Christmas, New Year’s Day, Washington’s Birthday, Memorial Day and the Fourth of July as public holidays. That is as far as the Federal Government can go. There is no general statute on the subject. Sometimes the term national legal holiday is loosely applied to holidays, such as some of those mentioned above, which have been made legal holidays in every State and in the District of Columbia and all the Territories, and which are therefore, in one sense, both national and legal.
Dear Mr. Green
Which is sweeter, cane or beet sugar
Delta Dawn
Dear Dawn:
Contrary to a widespread popular belief, there is no difference in sweetness between pure cane sugar and pure beet sugar. Completely refined sugar made from sugar beets and completely refined sugar made from sugar cane are identical in chemical composition. Only in the unrefined product is there any difference. According to the United States Bureau of Chemistry and Soils, the ordinary granulated sugar of commerce, regardless of whether it is made from beets or cane, consists essentially of sucrose, the better grades running as high as 99.8%, and contains such extremely small amounts of other substances that is is practically impossible to distinguish beet sugar from cane sugar either chemically or by physical appearance. the Bureau has been unable to find any evidence indicating that one of these sugars is sweeter than the other.
Dear Pea Green
What was the species of the forbidden fruit?
Roberto Melon, Kansas
Bob,
The Bible does not give the name of the species of the forbidden fruit which Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden. It refers merely to the fruit of “The tree of knowledge of good and evil.” Tradition says the forbidden fruit was an apple. In the East, however, there is a belief that the tree of knowledge mentioned in the Bible was a banana plant and that the serpent which tempted Eve hid in a bunch of the fruit. This legend obviously influenced the early classifiers of bananas who designated two species—Musa paradisiaca (Fruit of Paradise) and Musa sapientum (Fruit of Knowledge). Some writers are of the opinion that Musa Sapientum was originally intended to allude to a statement made by the Greek Philosopher Theophrastus respecting a fruit, supposedly the banana, which served as food for the ancient wise men of India.
LOCAL SKI CARTELS ANNOUNCE SEASON PASS INCENTIVES
(Mt. Crested Butte) Crested Butte Ski Resort has big plans to increase season pass sales this winter. In what many are calling a quick fix response to lower lift ticket prices across the industry, the ski giant will give away trips, gear and appliances with the purchase of a pass between now and mid-December.
For example: If a prospective season pass holder buys what amounts to a Gold Pass, by industry standards he could receive, absolutely free, a microwave oven or a television set. A lower commitment would then net a toaster or a weekend in Grand Junction.
“We feel that this gesture puts another human face on the ski industry as a whole,” said Exhale T. Hollandaise, one of over 400 vice-presidents here. “Our marketing budget is already stretched way out of proportion by June and this incentive concept should relive some of the pressure. This is progressive. This is cutting edge marketing right out of the box!”
All the other VPs were busy E-mailing each other and could not comment on these developments.
One local skier, Marcia McQuiggly-Mogul, received a pair of goggles and some sun screen when she purchased season passes for her family.
“Those were some damned expensive goggles,” she frowned, “but of course the price does include four months of skiing.”
A drop in season lift ticket prices at nearby Monarch seems to have precipitated the move toward more lucrative options. Also, a well-guarded drop in skier days is said to have prompted the decision here at CBMR.
“We’re canning the circus bigtop approach, and instead giving our bread and butter skiers a gift at the ticket window,” tactfully whispered marketing ace, Angela Wahoo.
Unreliable sources at the Grand Butte/Marriott/Club Med/Bates Hotel say that facility will reserve all incentive packages
for their less motivated employees who often forget to come to work, unless it happens to be payday.
Whether or not these dubious approaches will revolutionize the one-horse sideshow remains to be seen, but already hundreds of skiers are walking away from the ticket window loaded down with everything from insulated gloves to digital clock radios. Some will be put to good use in homes and hotel rooms while most will be sold on the thriving black market down in Gunnison.
Meanwhile over in ultra-trendy Vail, prices will remain high unless there’s no snow and then they will miraculously drop to almost nothing. (Don’t forget: Two bank/investment references are required to ski the back bowls on weekends – Just ask your broker to file Form 445-3ADB with the business office). In Aspen, where a registered pedigree, and often real estate license, doubles as a lift ticket. “Just put it on my room”, well-heeled skiers say, generally donating awards such as trips, gear and appliances to the indigent over in No Name, before getting on the chairlift.
“The days of the dirt bag winter sports enthusiast are over,” said Wahoo. “Today’s skier/snowboarder is looking for instant gratification, you know the full tilt experience without fighting the hordes on the slopes. He doesn’t mind paying a little more money for a little more thrill and that includes walking away with a new toaster oven or a DVD player.”
In a related piece, LaPlata County authorities have arrested three New Mexico men who attempted to buy a case of season passes with food stamps. Although at first thrown in jail, the three have been bailed out and adopted by employee-desperate restaurants here. They will reportedly start work Friday.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Cuando morimos, ¿nuestras contraseñas van con nosotros?
La mayoría de nosotros, incluso aquellos que luchan contra ella, están cargados con una variedad de contraseñas de Internet, muchas de las cuales tienen poca claridad o un propósito en cuanto a seguridad o acceso. Parecen ser simplemente otro abrazo de la realidad que nos arranca de la naturaleza y nos obliga a estar un poco más desconectados del ser humano. No importa si los queremos o no. Se han convertido en parte de nuestras vidas al igual que la hierba de cangrejo y el desayuno en la carrera.
Encontrar una hipérbole sin aliento de esta naturaleza oscura es una cosa, mientras que caer por el agujero del conejo de la seguridad sin sentido es completamente diferente. ¿Necesitamos una contraseña para comprar una barra de pan o un automóvil nuevo? ¿Qué pasa si una persona olvida su contraseña de baño o la contraseña en su sacacorchos?
Armado con páginas de contraseñas, los humanos están fuera de moda, reemplazados por aplicaciones de computadoras y robots. Las predicciones futuristas sobre chips en nuestras frentes no son tan descabelladas. El próximo mes: ¿Fue eso saintpeterpearlygates.com? o beelzebub@hellshalfacre.org?
Trump Administration pasa la fecha de caducidad
Un anuncio esta mañana de que la Administración Trump había pasado peligrosamente su fecha de vencimiento dejó al personal corriendo y los curiosos se preguntaban. No estaba claro si hoy era el día o si la fecha de lanzamiento había pasado.
“Está claramente marcado en el interior de los lazos del presidente”, dijo un demócrata invertebrado. “Él sabía.”
La mayoría de la gente está de acuerdo en que las acciones de la actual Casa Blanca son solo una distracción para que los ricos de este país puedan ganar más dinero a costa de los pobres. Parece estar funcionando. Solo en el Washington Post hubo siete titulares que mostraron la palabra T.
Mientras tanto, una tanga escasa de manifestantes sostenía pancartas que decían: No vendas después de esta fecha. Parece muy temprano para decir si The Wall. la derogación de Obamacare, la reforma tributaria y las investigaciones rusas se vieron realzadas por la publicidad y los ecos del próximo Apocalipsis.
“Estas son melodías de ascensor familiares que acechan en el fondo de las actuaciones de las sillas musicales en la Casa Blanca”, agregó el ya mencionado demócrata. “Teniendo en cuenta la locura, todos podríamos estar sobreviviendo pronto en lo que sea que podamos tener en nuestras manos en ese momento. Las fechas de caducidad significan poco para los analfabetos. Yo mismo llevo un tanque lleno de gasolina y una bolsa de viaje en mi jet. Escuché que Marte está bien en esta época del año “.
Para piezas retransmitidas, pase a Congressional IQ Test Comes Back Negative
