Satire and false news

Satire has been defined as “quick bite – no wound”. False news is simply a series of repeated lies in the proper format. The latter is intended to frighten people for the benefit of the teller. Satire is intended to relieve the stress for the brighter segments of the population (people who can read) by making them laugh at society.

False news intends to alarm, mislead, confuse and provoke while satire attempts to tickle the intellect with often humorously veined juxtaposition of realities, pointed hyperbole and brash exaggerations…

False news: Liberals stocking up on arms –
Satire: Liberals eating raw bullets on the half shell with slightly chilled Chilean chardonnay –

Snow in the northern provinces of Vietnam

SATIRE: Vietnam Awakes to six feet of snow for Tet
FALSE NEWS: Scores dead as rogue Communist snowstorm leaves cruel wake – UN blamed.

Now you try: Which of the following are false news and which ones are satire?
1. Man arrested for handing out maps to the library
2. Spending time with her was like dating Ayn Rand
3. Ski Area Closes – Too Much Snow
4. Man Bites Dog

Vietnam Nudges Colombia in Ugliest Dog Competition

(Seoul — Why You Say Dawg News) — As of five o’clock the Republic of Vietnam has pulled ahead of perennial champion, Colombia and longtime powerhouse Grenada in the once prestigious International Ugliest Dog Pageant held in Seoul, Korea.

Angry critics insist that opening kennel doors to cats has lowered the stauture of the event causing it to lose it’s luster in the wake of what they call the diluted nature of today’s contest.

“Grandmother” (Ba) of Hoi An, is quick to point out that she has never been a contestant in the Ugliest Dog Pageant. She has however coached three of her colleagues to various honors.

The final competition, including the controversial bone and bathing competition, is slated for the weekend. Many mongrels see this intense face-off as the make or break in the event and their careers as ugly dogs. Local promoters expect more people than dogs in the gallery.

The International Canine Club, operating out of a back alley in Singapore verified the mongrel hierarchy much to the dismay of anyone other than a few skinny cats. Here are the current standings rated from one to ten.

Vietnam: 9.5  Colombia 9.2  Grenada 8.5  Cuba 8.3  Ecuador: 7.9  Laos 7.1  New Jersey: 6.8  Malaysia: 6.4 Nicaragua: 4.9 Kenya: 4.0

Honorable mention: Kampuchea, Brasil, Greece, Trinidad, Portugal and Dixie

– Dag Katz

Qui Nhon Days

The neighbor in Qui Nohn

Five hours on mini-van mad roads with a crazy driver could be more attractive than eight hours on a bumpy bus. Considering the quality of the seats and the amount of the fare, I was quite pleased, at peace and not confrontational, even though the thing left an hour late. That’s until a locked horns with Little Mussolini , the pushy  attendant on the minivan.

The beach road lined with beautiful parks and hotels under construction

“Hey kid”, ”I smiled in my best Vietnamese. “I was born with these longer-than-your legs. If you are spatially challenged I’d suggest you take it up with my father and mother.” I laughed but he scowled. We frowned at each other intently. Maybe it’s a Vietnamese thing that replaces fist fights or duels.

When we rolled into Qui Nhon. I walked over to the small transport dictator, shook his hand and thanked him. I think I scared the shit out him but we both gained a great lesson in packaging.

The cab driver was another sort all together. Mr Smiles. Great human being. We chatted away in my bad Vietnamese, that is certain to improve tomorrow or Tuesday next. He was happy because his friends owned the small homestay where I had the good taste to book three nights. He was happy about life.

She doesn’t look happy but she was a riot. Smacked me on the butt when I passed by the table.

Lan Anh Homestay ($14) sat toward the end of the beach road. A short distance away was a nice looking new roundabout that no one used. The old way took you right downtown and that’s where everyone, who is anyone, hangs out. These people were in no hurry. The roundabout may have been built for some future expansion. Hotels were going up like weeds.

Melvin Toole inhales a dinner of grouper enhanced by cutting edge beer in a bucket of ice technology. According a man in the bar it is a Vietnamese invention. Before the Chinese were here,” he added. Either way it works well. The gem of the dining experience was chao hai san – a delicious seafood porridge.

The room has a small balcony with plants everywhere. Next to it was a small Buddhist temple. May mat (lucky) choice. The host, a college student, was more than attentive. The I’ll buy if you fly solution worked well since Tung had a motorbike and I had a touch of the gout. (Beef pate with rice whiskey on my porch prior to leaving for Quo Nhon).

Seafood restaurants (hai san) dotted the street. They advertise Live Seafood and do a brisk business on fruits of the sea and other fresh delights.

Vietnam is a very young country. Here is the delightful staff of the rousing restaurant where I enjoyed lau ca (seafood hot pot) with my friends.

I have yet to hear a car alarm here or in Hoi An. Plenty of kareoke but no intrusions of the digital conspiracy. It appears virtually crime free on the Central Coast. One never sees cops. No violence. Smart people. Lots of them. Considerate and engaging. What a stark change from my country where everyone seems annoyed with everyone else.

No Trip Advisor – How Can we Survive? These folks have other fish to fry. In fact the only Westerners I met were on ride back, Jacob and Christine two lovely people from Czech Republic.

I’d like to go on but my rum is aging quickly in this climate and I must away!

May We suggest
Saigon-Qui Nhon hotel pool. Use of pool, weight room, sauna (if it works), towel, friendly people. Cost 20,000 Dong (90 cents). Right across from the beach in the middle of town.

The transport company itself was in fact very together. On the way back to Hoi An a young employee walked me to my ride and asked “Are you hungry?” We had five hours to go on the road. Had I said yes he would have run off and brought me noodle soup and then watched me slurp it smiling at his ingenuity with this foreign “grandfather”.

-Ming Toole

Money, power, money…

Drinking Rice Whiskey

Tet, Vietnamese New Year kicks off this weekend. Lots of flowers and color…and rice whiskey.

This evening’s generous selection of Rice Whiskey was definitely fermented and distilled but maybe not too long ago. The shrimp spring rolls and chicken pate, compliments of my neighbor and drinking companion Anh (Mr.) Toui, were a nice addition to the fare and the liquor went down well. Mot Hai Ba YO!

This morning I practiced my patience throughout the Confucius-Tao-Buddhist Vietnamese realm: A spider size of Donald Trump’s hand was camped out on the floor in my office. Rather than confront the creature I played hooky from work and went to the beach. This Eastern thinking is working out quite well.

Lunch w/Jackie, Putin & Pilot at An Bang

I found out later that the spider was harmless and only ate bugs not people. The sun came out today at 9:21 am. It is the first real sunny day since Western New Years. If the rain continues I must be positive and reflect on the money I am saving on sunblock.

Jackie, Putin and Pilot with me

Today I spent the afternoon swimming in the ocean with two 12-year-olds and an interested, but still timid six year old, who probably saw the waves in a larger context that the others.

Can Lau for lunch, and why not? Best in An Bang is Red Apple on the street between the beach restaurants and the highway, right just past the bicycle hawkers who often jump out in front of you and grab your handle bars in an attempt to get you to park in their lots for 50 cents.

Ruins of My Son, the Holy Land of the Cham Culture in Central Vietnam

On the way back to town on our bicycles we stopped for lemonade whereupon the host lady returned with Lucky, a fluffy white puppy, who went to town with the children. I went back to the restaurant one morning for shrimp and eggs and they were closed. I was disappointed. How could they do this to me! It was like Trump shutting down The Washington Post.

Today I passed my bicycle operator’s test, which means I have been riding my bicycle all over Hoi An for two months and am still among the living. The traffic is insane but my bike gets me to the beach, to the old town and out into the countryside…and to the famous Cho Ba Le (fruit and vegetable market).

These little commies have figured a way to sell delicious Cold War tomatoes. I call them Cold War because we used to have good tomatoes in US back then. Now they are corporate plastic that look like tomatoes. Eat your genetically altered dinner or they’ll be no genetically altered dessert for you! People in the US are getting screwed and don’t have the sense to know it. Donald Trump is not leaving and Jesus is not coming back.

Entourage at My Son

I’m still studying my Vietnamese with a wonderful teacher but perhaps if the French had not Romanized the alphabet in the 1800s I would be forced to rely on karaoke to express my inner feelings.

Yesterday I attempted to explain to an shop keeper that I would not write a review on Trip Advisor because of the mass intrusion it has created. Then I told her I owned both Trip Advisor and Facebook. Fortunately my Viet is mot chut an he just smiled in admiration then tried to sell me a small Buddha carved out of soap.

I’d like to go on but I’m frightfully and frantically engaged eating peanuts with chopstick after closing all the bars on Cua Dai last eve. It could take all day.

BIG PHARM DEAD OF SUSPECTED OVERDOSE

(Lima, Peru) Murray “Big Pharm Pillar was found lifeless this morning in a llama-infested alley in Sao Providencia, near Cusco. Ironically enough his final resting place, was not that far from the Amazon rainforests, the source of many natural remedies. These cures were played down by Big Pharm and his friends in the oil and lumber business.

According to a bootlegged piece in Los Ramos and Andes ( a warm but satirical Latino slant on the popular radio program of the 30s Amos and Andy.) Big Pharm died due to overdose of statins, pain killers and opiates near El Mono, a howler monkey colony of limited autonomy.

Police fear an upheaval by his victims may have led to the untimely demise. At the time of death Big Pharm’s net worth was estimated to be over 4 billion dollars.

Police investigating the demise were in agreement that the overdose was the result of chronic greed and arrogance as well as the drugs. The death is expected to generate a major scuffle for power within the lucrative industry as the insurance companies have demanded a share of the dead man’s estate.

The American public, unaware of Big Pharm’s criminal activities against them, did not celebrate or mourn but rather went to Wal-Mart and ate fast food as they always do. Many physicians expressed hope that they would not be thrown from the fray train as the power play evolves.
– Joe Bob Statin