All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
Chief Ouray Named After Town
Red Mountain Dig Smashes Long Held Version
(Ironton Park) Archives exhumed from the old jail here suggest that the town of Ouray is older than previously believed and that Ute Chief Ouray was named after the mining settlement and not the other way around. According to the data Ouray was settled in 1830 by Neapolitan fur trappers from Santa Fe.
“The discovery throws our historical perspective out the window,” said D. Mickey Ratshoe Bennie, a local museum piece. “Now all the books will have to be rewritten. This really jerks my chain! Fortunately we have an idle, motivated populace that has already rolled up its sleeves and jumped into the fray.
Although the town had no charter and few dwellings in 1830, it was called Ouray, an Italian word for a preferred method of boiling pasta at higher altitudes. Three years later, when future chief, Ouray, was born in Taos, his mother looked up…saw pasta cooking over an open fire and named the lad. At the time she did not know he would become a celebrity or that the aforementioned confusion would occur.
Tet – Vietnamese New Year
Cho tung nam moi! means Happy New Year and it’s quite a celebration from what I remember of it.
Photo on wall of ocean cafe
After two months in Vietnam I have embraced a startling reality. Most of these folks speak Vietnamese. They are really nice but have only a few words of English and often don’t understand my bad tonal Vietnamese. But when they hear me stumble over their language some get brave and offer a few timid words in my native tongue. Going to the outdoor markets is the best education.
Then you meet some loony that speaks perfect English. One such fellow named Anh Ming is one of these. He lived in France for many years and learned English while he was at it. I like English better,” he explains. He likes to drink beer in his parlor/garage, much to the leaner profits that grace the family piggybank when he’s here. He’s a live wire in his US Army hat and his plan to go to Hollywood some day.
Dinner is served!
You speak good Vietnamese. Are you CIA?
Fortunately I get my information from strategic sources: The neighborhood grandmothers who know what’s rattling all the time. The aroma from the neighborhood kitchens tells me they know something about eating as well. Last night I created my first real Vietnamese dish!
An Bang Natural Beach
Like being in a Jack Nicholson movie, Chinatown not because of any close ethnic ties, but rather because Vietnam is a lot like Southern California in the 30s and 40s. It ain’t perfect but the shaded avenues and the beach are splendid.
Tet is loosly translated as “Lot of food. You eat please.” All the ancestors come back to eat at the food altars. “It’s cold at the cemetery and we want to warm them up” according to my teacher. The kids get Lucky money in pretty red envelopes and me too! All the cousins stop and pay their noisy respects to Mr Toi who is getting hammered at 70. I stop in for brief intervals and meet everyone then make a quick exit. Mot bira Hai bira Ba bira (one, two,three beers….constant toasts.) Toi phai di ve ang I have to go. You need this phrase to survive the hops assault.
But they are out of squid salad
I take a bike ride over to An Hoi Island which must be the cosmic nuclear vortex of Hoi An. Lots of people and higher prices for some unknown reason.
These poor, deprived, victims of Communism are happier and warmer than the freedom-breathing plastic Christians that I encounter and read about in the US. It’s a shame all these cute, little kids will be spending eternity in hell because they embrace Buddhism….
A sweet breeze rambles across the rice field at my door makes me happy but a little melancholy too.
These people are perched
to take their place
in a frightening world
No Chinese. No French. No Americans
A free Vietnam for the Vietnamese.
My house in Cam Chau.
Question: Will the 8 – 10 km on bike offset my bad behavior after dark? Then Yesterday 2 beautiful potted plants brought by landlord: I must now water them water every day. When do the responsibilities end?
Today I have to buy a regulation Western fork. It’s getting far too difficult to eat scrambled eggs with chopsticks. The only way I can manage it is to turn up the lights and put my reading glasses on backwards. Tam beit!
ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT MISSING FUNDS
(Gunnison) The general accounting department at Western State College cannot account for more than $1.4 million dollars collected from a dorm bake sale in August.
“This is embarrassing,” said one faculty advisor. “What kind of an example are we setting for these kids. I’m sure it’s just an oversight but nobody needs publicity like this.”
According to administration source the money turned up missing after a dinner honoring 119-year-old alumnus Ernest Walpole, credited with designing the first recreational vehicle.
It is surmised that the funds were simply switched with the $23 collected at the honorarium. Maybe.
“All those cigar boxes look alike,” said one clerk who wished to remain unnamed. “How can we watch every penny?”
The district attorney is looking into charges that the funds were lost in a poker game with the Adams State debate team on Wednesday.
Meanwhile students are expected to reject a referendum that would allow Taco Bell and Sonic Burger 24-hour access to the turn-of-the-century chemistry lab. In a hotly contested campaign the fast food franchises had offered gold passes to prospective supporters. Hopped-up thugs continue to roam the campus this morning looking to prevent a high voter turnout.
– Rocky Flats
“The comfort of the rich rests upon an abundance of the poor.” – Voltaire
READER RECIPES
The following culinary offerings were collected over the winter by bonne bouche/pot luck editor Juan Haute. They are probably approved by some federal agency or the other, and are currently being tested on nickel-and-dime politicians prone to taking their meals alone in their rooms.
QUICK ROADY BURGERS
Take approximately one half pound of lean ground beef and roll into a paddy using only left index fingers. Let stand, but remain seated. Place on toasted bun and garnish with tomato and pickle. Enjoy. Turkey burger can be substituted for ground beef, since it’s easier to catch one of those stupid birds than a whole damn cow.
SPAM-TWINKIE SURPRISE
In a large casserole dish combine grilled spam and twinkies saving the wrapper. After the mixture reaches a boil remove the white filling and place on the wall. Combine flour, water and lard to make a zesty crust. Turn entire ensemble often. Add one quart of gin and serve steaming over dirty rice or dry toast. Store leftovers on the window sill covered with last year’s visquine and a pinch of nutmeg. Serves four.
GRITS ON A SHINGLE
Boil grits until tender, adding jalapeno butter and light cream as you go. Pour concrete-like substance over Navajo fry bread for a multi-cultural delight. Hint: Your grits will come out fluffy if you prepare them (bulk rate) at sea level while wearing a Confederate uniform. Add tomato paste, holding back the tomatoes. Top with a mixture of shredded tofu and diluted yogurt seed, which will act as a deterrent to marauding pigeons hoping to rain on your parade.
LIVERWURST SOUFFLE
Soak lunchmeat in cooking oil over night. Fry bologna until it puffs up into convex shape. Baloney can be substituted for bologna in emergency situations. If meat is not tender, use as target practice and repeat the entire process. Prior to serving, arrange meat in pinwheel pattern to distract guests. Garnish with chopped garlic and crumbled memories of a difficult childhood.
EGGPLANT FIZZ
This popular summer beverage is easily produced using about a pound of half-baked eggplant and cup of sloe gin. Combine in a blender or shake vigorously for about 10 minutes until consistency is not in question. Add ice and top with seltzer water. Pour into large tub as guests may chose to submerge themselves in the mixture before drinking it. If supply should exceed demand on your first outing, do not despair. The eggplant fizz concoction works well as a kibble dressing or a grass roots lubricant on American automobiles or, of course, on a well manicured lawn.
POPEYE-OLIVE OIL WEDDING PLANNED FOR JUNE
Oooooooh…Popeye….
(Telluride) Comic book icons Popeye T. Sailor and Olive Oil have announced that they will be wed at the local yacht club sometime during this year’s Bluegrass Festival.
“It’s about time after a 80-year affair,” squinted the sailor, pipe dangling from his oversized lips. “I figured it was about time to make an honest woman of Olive.”
Oil will wear the combined ensemble of peasant dress and work boots that has become her standard over the decades. Her hair will be in a conservative bun accentuated by loop earrings. Her intended will be dressed in his sailor suit.
“Popeye is concerned about the removal of several erotic tattoos,” whined best man/caterer Wimpy (no last name given), “that he got in Singapore during the war.”
In a surprise announcement it was learned that U.S. former Attorney General Janet Reno would stand in as maid of honor. She and her current beau, Bluto, will fly into Montrose they day of the nuptials on their way to a gun show in Grand Junction.
The newly weds plan to spend their hideaway honeymoon on the Gunnison near Delta where a new crop of experimental spinach is about to pop. They plan to have a large family
No Smoking Section on Death Row
(Canon City) The Colorado Department of Corrections has yielded to pressure from prison activists to establish a strict No Smoking policy for the facility by spring. At present smoking is permitted on Death Row while other inmates are restricted from puffing in their cells, at chow and in the laundry.
“These anti-smoke people are within their rights,” said Zannie B. Volt, executive director of inmate-guard relations here. “It’s not fair for anyone to be exposed to secondhand smoke. It makes the whole cell smell.”
Costs as well as health considerations highlight a 3700-page report on the matter. Smoking in the yard will be acceptable if the prisoner has fulfilled other duties. The television lounge and weight room are off limits as is the visiting complex. The termination of smoking in these locales should alleviate pressure from black marketing and improve dental checkups.
“If you want to bring an incarcerated friend or relative a gift in jail try a cake with a file or maybe some bubble bath,” said Volt. “Just kidding,” he added.
Volt has been credited with the interior design of over 2000 cells from Wyoming to Miami and the blueprint for some 350 lightweight gallows scaffolding, made from recycled playground equipment. In 2007 he instituted industry fashion standards, getting away from the traditional stripes in favor of more checks and plaids (including the popular Plea Bargain Jumpsuit) in inmate attire. – Rocky Flats
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain to unnamed literary critic
