All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
The beat goes on up north
Thanks to Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine
EPA bigwig says oil spills are good for us
(Washington) Despite longstanding clean water and toxic air limitations the newly restructured Environmental Protection Agency has broken ranks with former colleagues and presented mounds of data to support its get tough relationship with the host planet, Earth..
Calling oil spills “organic” one EPA bureaucrat who came to work today likened the man-made disasters to good grooming in people. He eluded to tree huggers jumping the gun saying that oil floating on the sea kills harmful bacteria and detours predators like sharks and jelly fish from contact with humans.
EPA spokesmen storms the Potomac beach at Montross, Virginia to discuss oil spills and sand with local media.
“These spills are like Vitalis or medicinal hairspray for your scalp,” explained the agency spokesman. “Oil cuts salt content in the sea making it better to drink the water. It’s kind of like petro-salinization without all the work. Oil spills are completely organic and stress on wildlife and water quality are simply collateral damage.”
The source went on to describe the infinite benefits of modern petroleum drilling and transport of crude. He suggested that citizens would not be happy if they can’t buy gasoline or embrace petroleum-based products such as plastics and many recreational goods.
“Oil-stained fur on bunnies and petroleum-feathered birds are not our concern at this time,” said a recent EPA press release. “We have other fish to fry.”
“In a world of black and white this is clearly black and white,” said an activist quoting the current Clean Air Act which blames industry for 93% of all oil-related accidents since 1990. “Will we stand idly by as these wealthy derrick pumpers dictate policy?”
The activist went on to say that the combination of money and arrogance has created a dangerous climate where safety and competence take a back seat to expediency and often a blind eye.
“These oil companies think they are bullet-proof because they have been exactly that over the past two decades. They would rather be fined than spend money up front on prevention.”
An undetermined number of EPA employees vocally support the agenda empowered by the Trump Administration but none is willing to put opinions in writing. Others acquiesced, mumbling about paying lip service to keep their jobs through the next 3.5 years. 
In closing, the EPA says it will not undress accusations that a Congressional white wash spill has closed commercial ports all along the Atlantic Seaboard, bringing maritime commerce to a stunning halt on Monday.
– Fred Zeppelin
“God must love stupid people – He made so many of them.”
– Abraham Lincoln
Air Guitar Academy Closes Doors
(Escucha al Monte) The Solo Air Guitar Academy, a social fixture in the region since 1955 has announced its closure effective tomorrow morning. Calling the event unfortunate, sources there say the program was simply a victim of the times.
“Kids today are far too abstract to be entertained strumming the air and pressing fake cords for hours no matter how much they like the tune,” said one instructor who has worked at Solo since it’s founding.
Called Berry Institute at the time, in honor of late rocker, Chuck Berry, the musical program has undergone little change since that time holding on tightly to traditions and showing a stubborn streak when it came to adopting new techniques, especially the use of 8-tracks and cassettes, then digital recording and ipods.
“Air guitar is air guitar,” stressed another instructor who embraces a more classical approach to the musical mime. “Either you have faith or you don’t. Everyone fantasizes about being the lead guitar picker or even fingering the bass. People today expect to be entertained by outside stimuli like television and the internet. They don’t have time for this kind of nonsense, at least in a social regimentation.”
Bronco Tickets No Longer Covered
(Denver)The cost of season or single Bronco tickets is no longer covered by most health insurance programs. According to the American Association of Insurance Brokers, distractions of this type while healthy enough on their own, cannot be considered medical treatment and therefore are excluded from almost all policies.
“One could probably arrange for a policy that would cover sports entertainment costs,” said Sam Spleene, a former tobacco lobbyists who now heads up Mortality Mutual, a multi-billion dollar insurance and investment firm which serves breakfast Tuesdays through Fridays. Headquartered behind Spleene’s Auto Salvage, a known scalpers’ haven, Mortality Mutual has offered Bronco and Rockies tickets as sales incentives for the past two years.
Insurance spokesman say the tougher restrictions were part of a general crackdown on abuses within the industry.
SWAT Team Responds to late flies
(Ridgway) The local volunteer civilian SWAT team has released figures on its celebrated autumn fly offensive of 2016, which stretched, at high water mark, from Cow Creek to Elk Meadows. Confirmed kills number in the tens of thousands. In Carne Canyon alone the orange-clad troops told of heavy fighting and a complete defeat for the bothersome insects who, affected by recent cold weather, seemed listless and slow to react to assaults.
One local red crack told The Horseshoe that all the commotion was disturbing the local bear, many whom already suffer from acute hibernative interruptus. He called on all sides to cease hostilities until the spring.
In a related piece the local chapter of the Unwed Mother’s of the American Revolution is hosting a rummage sale to benefit operations along the border with Latin America. With over 4000 members patrolling the stretch between Nogales and Naco the UDAR hopes to raise $20,000 to purchase lemonade and cookies given to refugees in the Sonoran Desert.
Huey Long Demands Recount
(Baton Rouge) Former Louisiana governor Huey Pierce Long, who was assassinated in 1935, has returned from the grave and is demanding a recount on some municipal election or the other held in Bayou La Fouche or some such place. Saying he was cheated, Long insists that the election was actually a mandate and that he should have been crowned king.
Long was a free-wheeling governor who ran the state in an unorthodox manner until his murder. He may have been a crook but at least he has a bridge named after him which is more than can be said for most folks. He is the first governor from south of the Mason-Dixon Line to come back from the dead (although the 3,028th to demand a recount). Colorado Governor James H. Peabody performed the feat at least three times after his death, once at Vail during a birthday party for then President Gerald Ford and then later while house sitting for Buffalo Phil Cody, the great-niece of Schuyler Colfax.
It is not known how long Long will be in town.
Judiciary Contest Winner Announced
(Crested Butte) Little Melvin Toole of Irwin has won first place in the 2017 Judiciary Contest sponsored by the local civil liberties union. Toole, 6, took home $300 for correctly defining habeas corpus as the right to stand before one’s accuser and the right to protection from unlawful restraint.
The second place finisher Marigold Swami of Crestone defined habeas corpus as producing a dead body while three others said it was a lusty, hummus-like porridge favored by those of Scottish origin.
In the final tally 35% of those participating said habeas corpus was a disease common to wild boar while almost 50% said it was the name of a Roman Emperor. One woman told us it was the name of a popular Durango micro brew.
In addition to the cash Toole will receive an Attica basketball jersey and a free boat trip around Alcatraz Island.
– H. L. Menoken
Solitaire Legend to Host Workshop
(Montrose) A complimentary clinic conducted by solitaire great Pinky Diamond and sponsored by the Laser State Continuing Education Department will be held at the Montrose Pavilion on August 4 according to the Uncompahgre Lonely Hearts Club.
The program, open to the public, will consist of seminars, an autograph session and footage of classic matches covering Diamond’s 48 years at the solitaire table.
“This may break the stranglehold that bingo has had on this community since World War I,” said Ginn Rooney, a one-armed blackjack dealer and highly recognized authority on parlor games who is credited with the invention of the designer poker chip in 1932.
Diamond, 98, raises emus on his 10,000 acre ranch near Colona. He retired from professional solitaire to pursue a career as a Tango singer in 2003 and was once the second-ranked solitaire player in the world. He reportedly mastered the demanding game while working as a sheepherder on California Mesa in the 20s.
“We’re real lucky to have him in town,” said Rooney, who will perform card tricks until someone has a better idea of how to spend the evening. We’re actually neighbors up near Buckhorn. He’s a lot more engaging than those surfers that used to live up here,” she said.
“He’s not used to playing solitaire in front of all these people,” smiled Rooney. “We hope he won’t let the crowd rattle him at tense moments of play.”
A native of Iceland, Diamond, who changed his name from Avril Balboa Bergstol at the end of the Spanish Civil War, represented his nation in the 1932 and 1936 Olympic Games. After that he enjoyed some success coaching and embraced organic farming. Most recently he has gained attention for his efforts to convince livestock as to the benefits of Daylight Savings Time.
“We fervently hope solitaire will gain the attention much deserved in the arena of international sport and recreation here on a local level,” quipped Rooney. “It may be the last chance we get to bring quality entertainment to the provinces.”
Kellyanne Conway Doll Falling Flat in China
(Hong Kong) Sales of KellyAnne Conway Doll have been a fiscal disaster in China despite being pedaled by Trump interests with insider credentials .
“This is a wonderful doll, the best doll, the greatest doll in history,” Trump tweeted. “I’ve seen it on television and it might even be in my daily briefings.”
Kellyanne Conway Doll not selling well in China
Other members of the Trump Dynasty have been slow to show much support in recent marketing efforts. None are the least bit Chinese nor is Kelly Anne which many distributors say could be the problem here.
“Maybe some Asian features would help,” said one marketer. “Maybe a traditional outfit or cultural hook. We don’t have any travel bans on Kunming Cowboys do we? What, if anything, have we learned from the Hillary Clinton Doll disaster, orchestrated by the Democratic National Committee, in November?”
The model for the talking doll, and special advisor to Donald Trump, expressed concern over the slow sales saying that the only a segment of the Chinese really understand the product. Privately friends conclude that she is quite upset about what she sees as a rejection, but she continues to have faith that the doll will suddenly reinvent itself and fly off the shelves.
“We have over 2 million of these Kelly Dolls with a disturbing likeness to Conway,” said one Trump supporter. “I don’t think there are enough Chinese in Shanghai to move the dolls before Christmas. I just hope the administration survives that long or we’ll never unload them.”
Kellyanne has asked all real patriots to buy one in USA to support her material girl lifestyle. Vicarious living in a scrounger’s paradise is not on the daily menu of this Go Girl, who supports terminating social programs that benefit the poor in this country.
Meanwhile in Russia sales of the robust Vladimir Putin doll have lagged behind projections in part due to the surging popularity of the Donald Trump Voodoo Doll that comes with its own set of monogrammed pins.
Despite what must be disappointing setbacks for the First Family a new doll is reportedly on the assembly line which does not talk. An industry spokesman praised the new model adding that pre-production orders were brisk.
– Fred Zeppelin
Local bear given equal time on KBUT
(Editor’s note: This story will be easier to digest if one believes that animals converse in the local vernacular).
(Created Butte) KBUT Radio has launched a pilot program to allot air time to local black bear. Although details are still sketchy it appears both the station and the bruins are jumping foursquare into the fray.
“The bear are misunderstood and just want to tell their side of the story,” said station manager Jackson Petito. “We see ourselves as a community radio station and, like it or not, the animals are part of that small town pecking order.”
Solid public relations has turned human perception of the bruins from noisy, clumsy intruders who want to eat your garbage into intelligent, calculating pests who want to eat your garbage.
The entire movement has gone viral encouraging other progressive communities to act rather than coil in the face of bear intrusions. Local planners hope that the intrinsic fear of bear will counteract the fascination with rustic political negotiations and not create more publicity for a town struggling to deal with the rising tourist population.
“Just as long as they don’t touch the board and use the headphones, “ said one KBUT source who remained skeptical of the plan. “The last time we let them on the air over at the old studio we had three broken chairs and our controls were whacked out for a month. They didn’t even put the CDs back in their right sleeves.”
Some residents of the remote/urban Crested Butte zone do not understand that lazy bears are always hungry. The live on the fringe, out here in the forest watching for a chance the dine on people food. Surprisingly many are accomplished beer drinkers as well but are rarely brand conscious.
“You try hibernation…for just one winter,” said a black bear rights advocate who lives in a solar-friendly cave in Dark Canyon. “It changes one’s perception of time and of overall survival. It changes an animal.”
While generally docile black bear do pose a threat to humans in some cases. Exceptionally large males reach 500 pounds while smaller females can be overprotective of young cubs. Both tend to be cranky when hungry. In short, most confrontations do not lead to violence although the situation is highly unpredictable.
They are expert tree climbers, very adaptable and can move through the woods or meadows much faster than people. The smallest of the three bear species in North America, black bear forage over great expanses of country, filling up on fruits, nuts, insects, rodents and an occasional young deer or domestic calf.
“Hey, we don’t want no trouble.”
“We don’t take up parking spaces on Elk, linger too long in popular cafes or drive the price of real estate through the roof,” said one bear in sign language. “We are good, respectful neighbors and take good care of our young. It is sad that our detractors are spreading rumors that we are course animals and that we spend each night eating garbage, leaving scat, and making a mess,” said the sow.
The town has even considered dropping bear treats (organic and gourmet garbage) at remote spots on off Kebler Pass and above Irwin but that plan, kind as it may have been, was squashed by realists on the town council due to concerns of creating dependent animals and congregations of bruins close to population areas.
Once residents started tying up dogs and prohibiting firearms in town it opened up the garage door wide for these beasts of the shadows.
Bear fully support leash laws.
The majority of omnivores suggest that are waiting to be formally invited to one of the station’s popular fish fries but would show up at to Disco Night after the berries are exhausted and they start spending more time in town.
Bear don’t appear all that interested in people either way. It’s the people’s garbage that they’re after. Elk Avenue is over the top with summer tourists wandering and waddling. The bear issue threatens to the social flow which is already over the top. The eco-system here is quite fragile and cannot support increased grazing by any species.
“Hey we realize we can be intimidating and some of us enjoy it,” admitted one bear.
– Kashmir Horseshoe