All Entries Tagged With: "Western"

MAGPIES WINNING IN EXTRA INNINGS

(Ouray) Despite the efforts of local law enforcement and summer vigilantes freed from the tedious classroom, magpies reign supreme in this box canyon town.

Since May police have arrested over 200 of the black and white squawkers and some 50 of their ravenous associates. Round-ups continue this afternoon with incarcerations centering around heaping dumpsters and bankrupt backyard gardens.

With the abduction of a spunky septuagenarian from her garden apartment early Monday the crows can now claim another victory in the struggle for the hearts and the minds of this very frightened town.

“Every time I hear that familiar caw I think of poor Mrs. Belfry, sitting out on her porch doing crossword puzzles. Then, without warning she is dragged off to who knows what horrible fate,” said investigating officer Anthony Flyfishe.

“The worst of them hang out in the back-alleys and on the power lines where they can keep an eye on what humans throw out,” said the officer who has subdued more than 100 of the pests single-handedly, using only regulation rubber bullets dipped in tailings water and common sense.

Gangs of youth, armed with sling-shots and pellet guns will continue keeping the infestation at bay through August. Then, when that brave contingent goes back to school the local militias are generally depleted, reinforcements nothing more than a chest-of-medals fantasy. Shells of their humvies and monster trucks still litter Main Street, a testament to the stark futility of it all.

“They run a regular little sewing circle every damn morning under my window,” added Irvine Toole of the Oak Street Tooles. “They caw at each other tirelessly. They curse like little beaked sailors. They arrogantly relieve themselves at will, dance suggestively in the street and even smoke cigars before breakfast.”

Toole added that at least the birds don’t have car alarms.

According to a controversial feature in The Pea Green Peeper, which appeared exactly one year ago today, pedestrians should feel fortunate that the birds can’t aim. In the article, Sewage Treatment and You, the subject of aggravated attacks from the sky and frontal assaults on windshields was undressed by artillery experts within the Colorado Division of Wildlife. These logistical engineers suggest that the city import or clone predators who might eat the crows.

“The only animal who will repeatedly eat crow is human,” said one DOW spokesperson, and employing that tactic would certainly open up a whole new can of worms.”

Residents began to smell a rat when they noticed the gradual disappearance of other birds in town. By now the classic variety of songbirds has been all but diminished. Even smaller garbage birds seemed to be avoiding the downtown areas, especially after dark.

“If one hikes up another 2000 feet the place is loaded with songbirds,” said Sarah Cera of the Butane Society. “Our committees will keep a close eye on this one to insure that crows, magpies and ravens are not the victims of discrimination. Species profiling is an ugly thing,” she flinched, cracking her badly deformed knuckles like dried Texas pecan shells.

Many Ouray residents display tacky, plastic pink flamingos on their property to discourage squatting flocks. Others have constructed patriotic scarecrows out of discarded Fourth of July parade floats. None of these methods works for long as the birds get wise and pooh-pooh the attempts of the land-locked humans, mocking them from nearby box elder trees, flaunting their feathered invincibility

Attempts to harness and redirect power surges when crowds of crows loiter on utility lines have been abandoned in the face of criticism by animal rights advocates from the Confront Range.

Even though the crows provide a source of protein to some residents during the winter months most people here agree that it’s time to run the winged bullies out of town, if it’s not already too late.

“We may as well admit it,” said Toole. “We are defeated. The entire town will soon be in the hands of scavenger birds. Oh, well, it could be worse. It could be the bears in charge and at least the birds have promised not to pave the side streets.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

COWBOY CLASSIFIEDS

JACK OF ALL TRADES: General dealer in hardware, spurs, hoop skirts, dry goods, molasses, putty, cakes, grindstones, etc. Also teeth extracted for less, corns burned, shoes mended. Ned Buttman, Ames.

Needed: Night watchman for the Wyoming Territory. Looking for man who can work by himself, set own hours, provide monthly reports on the state of things up there. Emile Turlo, Crested Butte.

Will the woman who’s looking for wranglers to herd UFOs off her Montrose ranch please contact Red Babbs at the QBC Ranch in Colona. You can’t have UFOs because this is 1889 and they haven’t been imagined yet…that we know of. Maybe you should call an exorcist. However, I happen to be rustling work and would accept position as cowpuncher. Resume upon request.

Will the British fella that spent last week at Ruby’s Dude Ranch please retrieve his britches. We’re an entertainment facility not a storehouse. After all these years of business the girls and I have never seen such a pair and failure to contact us will result in their display in the parlor window come Christmas of ’85. Ruby.

Need wrangler to escort sacred cows from Ft. Worth to Abilene. Good pay and bonus at the end of the drive. Carl Waco c/o Grapevine Stockyards.

Silent partner needed for bank heist January 30. Great pay if all goes well. Must have own tools and be handy with a sidearm. Anonymous drifted preferred but will consider family man or elected official in need. Cole Younger, Monegaw Springs, MO.

Ed’s Fly Repellent. $2 a can. Guaranteed. Ohio City Emporium.

Exhausted and burned out gold digger, 22, seeks stable position in honest profession. Will consider restaurant work or livery attendant. I’ve been told I have very attractive legs if that makes any difference to ya. Betsy Bilkflower, Parrot City.

Sick of sagebrush and coyotes? British Empire seeks to repatriate former subjects for work in expansion of influence by force. Exotic travel to South Africa, India and Ireland. Good pay and citizenship in a growing empire. Lord Admiral Quelpp, Mercy Beet Hall, London SW.

The 7th Cavalry is searching for entrance level trainees for reconnaissance work in South Dakota. Major Roy Custer, Bighorn Acres, Rapid City. No realtors.

Need a set of 1883 henway headlights for my palomino and a drive train for my saddle. Can’t afford much on wrangler’s pay. John J. John, Spring Creek Herefords.

Fully matured, reimported whiskies by the glass. Beer imported all the way from St Joseph. Faro, race results by wire, poker on Thursdays. Red’s Gravy Heaven, Gladstone, CO.

Dishwasher needed for thriving Telluride restaurant/bar. Looking for someone who is clean, organized, punctual and handy with his fists. Apply in person at the Senate Restaurant before 1886. Ask for Mr. Dempsey.

Homesteaders: Free land in Colorado. Apply by February, 1889 and 40 acres is yours. Owner must occupy land 30 days following agreement to file records at appropriate Quart House. Must make acceptable improvements before January of 1890. EOE.

Trail boss needed for trip between Waco and Dodge. Must be bonded and have cow insurance. Horse provided if necessary (why put all those miles on your own horse?) $100 per month includes all the biscuits and coffee you can muster. Howard Appleton, HA HA Ranch, Lake City.

Want to rub elbows with Utes? A reception for Chief Ouray will be held at the Odd Fellows Hall in Uncompahgre City on March 7, 1879. Bring a covered wagon.

Store teeth for sale or lease. Hardly used. Dr. Harmony Chios. Upstairs the marshal’s office, Placerville.

Tin Cup town council seeks capable sheriff for fun loving gold camp. Last four gunned down. Term extends from now till 1890 when we will re-negotiate contract. Includes living quarters and bullets. Chance to move up. Decent pay and insurance. Send telegram to same. We’ll pick you up in Almont.

Experienced proctologist needed for marathon cattle drive. Day work. Sam Mustache, Sneffels, CO.

Half bison, half longhorn puppies. Free to good home. Ask at the Ouray Livery.

Wanted: Modern 1890s-type woman to move to our gold camp. No funny business…we just want to look at you and maybe ask you to dance. Private quarters and buggy. 100 lonely miners, Gothic.

Roommate wanted for 1972 Chrysler New Yorker. Private entrance. No utilities. Prefer short person who does not snore. Leave word for George Roscoe Lovinggood at Arcadia Park Dance Hall.

Tatooed cowpunchers! Adopt a nuclear submarine. Hundreds of cuddly subs now docked in unsecured harbors through the Ukraine. Urgent situation for the right family. Box 599, Horseshoe.

DOG CATCHER needed for Pea Green and vicinity. Prefer someone with culinary background. Mask and chest protector provided after passing physical. Pastry chef would be perfect. Executive Chefs Placement, Wimpton.

Denver Nugget Cheerleader Counseling. Thursdays under the Tomichi Creek Bridge. Pay as you go, Gunnison Hibernians.

Anachronistic iconoclast paralyzed from the neck up seeks foxy female companion for winter solitude. Make sense to you? Call me at my 800 number and leave a massage.

I will flip coins for special events: football games, assassinations, weddings, funerals bar mitzvahs. Goung rate. Al Gore, Tennessee.

Yuppies wanted for experiments with cleaning fluid. Pay by the day. Insurance after a week. Winker’s Alley, Gunnison. No real estate agents please.

We have in our possession about 1.5 million dollars worth of marijuana left in a brown paper sack behind the Anarchist Booth at the Revolutionary Breakfast Consortium Wednesday. Owner may claim by describing buds. Please come to the Montrose (CA) Police Department to claim. No phone calls.

UFO REPORT

by Zelbrat Acknor, Astral World Three

Welcome children of the universe and our new readers in the Twor and Hakka Bennie Galaxies. As you all are aware we have been observing the residents of the planet Earth since the first Sputnik entered what they refer to as outer space. To update you on the situation here, we must first describe the daily rituals of humans living in a country called the United States. This culture has succeeded in not only destroying most of the atmosphere, but it has also exported its moral justification to other parts of the planet.

The result of all this is the choking off of the air supply and the termination of millions of indigenous species.

In short, the planet earth has achieved the status of damaged goods in comparison to the more progressive planets and stars. All this destruction has occurred within a very short time span, even in earthling terms.

These things have come to pass so as to acquire what these creatures call worldly goods. The amazing thing is that, although the planet is shared by all beings, only a small percentage of these people control most of the wealth. An innate ability deep in the heart of this phenomenon called rationalization allows these beings to perform in this way. Ironically, it is this same ability to rationalize that is said to separate these humans from the other primates and lower forms of plant and animal life there. According to human mythology, that difference designates the human as clearly superior and accounts for the miserable treatment handed down.

The average human here begins his day with an assortment of legal drugs, rushes off to a job, and, according to some remote norm, spends the greater part of his/her day at that often tedious pursuit. After that time, or, as the humans say, when the whistle blows, they are set free to endure hours of electronic entertainment via an evil invention affectionately called television.

Another recent human invention, the Hubble Telescope, has been busy taking pictures, like one massive intergalactic Japanese tourist. Luckily, due to some twisted sense of vanity, most of the snapshots are of the earth itself and scientists there still don’t know we’re out here.

One saving grace is that the temporary occupants of this planet have shown themselves to be rather charming on a one-to-one basis and I have to admit that I find them generally warm and amusing if not loving and creative.

Although there has been talk of condemning this planet to the stellar wrecking ball, observers, including the 4 million space travelers now residing there, suggest that we take a wait-and-see approach to this mindless planetary doodling. Later, when another century or two has passed, we can decide on the final fate of this former Eden.

It is our fervent hope that we can open up lines of communication with the rat and the cockroach, two harmless groups who have exhibited the ability to withstand brutal human assaults since the last hurrah of the dinosaur. These two species have not been guilty of this stumble-bum ecological suicide and should be treated with respect by those who would intervene at a later stage. These scurrying survivalists, it is supposed, might even withstand a nuclear annihilation the type that has not been seen since the Cosmos Forty War, which, like a good bump on the head, seemed to corral stubborn mavericks throughout the Universe.

That’s about that for this month. We’ll be back again unless the earthlings accelerate their activities and cease to be, thus solving another riddle in our scattered megacosm and giving me a well-deserved day off.

Snoring in Church Annoying At Best

To: The faithful

From: Rev. Phil Pharisee

Subject: Disruptions in the process of salvation

As much as I hate to bring it up I am acutely concerned with the lack of discipline within the ranks of my fruitful congregation. One Mr. Martin Ballywagge, a newly immersed member of our flock in Ouray, has, through no fault of his own, upset the ox cart, tipped the scales of righteousness and even rocked the boat during a moving chorus in Rock of Ages.

Let me give you a little background on Martin.

It was not, so far as I can determine, with the arrival of adulthood that Martin Ballywagge, an black Irishman in good standing, developed his chronic nasal maladies. He’s had them all of his life as his doctor Hugh Piller has assured us. By the time he was 8 he had snored through his first three years of academic life, constantly disrupting classes at Harry S. Truman Elementary back in Moline. The teachers complained to the principal who then complained to the parents who turned to Dr. Piller who prescribed drugs. Unfortunately the drugs only put little Martin back to sleep, a condition which encouraged more snuffling and snorting.

During one Sunday evening service (we didn’t get enough that morning) Martin snored his way through 3 hymns, 16 baptisms, 25 confirmations of faith and my well placed sermon as to the dangers of propane fumes.

“Maybe he’s allergic to something inside the church,” said Mary Ouana, who hasn’t had a drink in three months and looks great, although she still doesn’t have a date for New Year’s Eve.

The next day we scrubbed and polished the pews, vacuumed the drapery and went over the carpet with a fine tooth comb. We collected $3.87 in change and found a gold wedding band, lost by the late Abner Silvers back in 1989. The deceased (hit by a Rainbow Tours bus on his way the gym on his 97th birthday) had no heirs and the orphaned ring made its way to the collection plate.

Last Sunday the crisis deepened. I had just completed a soul-searching epistle on religious tolerance and magazine subscriptions when one of those pushy Baptists knocked on the back door. Since the congregation had already fallen asleep I answered. It was Parson Edith Quelle who complained of snoring coming from the back of her tabernacle. She identified the noisy culprit as our Mr. Ballywagge. Was he attending services at the Baptist church too? Was he stepping out?

Then Wednesday night, just as I finally got the that night’s gathering off to sleep, Ballywagge stumbles into the front pew. He crosses his legs, tilts his head, adjusts his coat and wanders into dreamland. This time his snores were like an earthquake. The entire temple shook. It sounded like a rogue freight train that had all at once gotten a spoonful of that old time religion.

In no time he had woke up Sarah Camarone, who was imprisoned for embezzlement in 1994, and disturbed the aging Clyde Shrapnell, a former member of the Ku Klux Klan. Then to make matters worse his nasal explosions chased the sand from the beady eyes of Doris Maltfeather, a retired exotic dancer and left Roberto Guerrero, a Columbian terrorist sponsored by the church, frighteningly wide awake for the duration of the service.

I have written to my bishop and even recommended Martin to a hypnotist. One pagan lost soul, whom I met at a ecumenical barbecue last summer, may have provided a temporary solution. Active in an unidentified Eastern religion, where chanting, banging and an accomplished brass section are an integral part of the services, the monk has offered to take Ballywagge off my hands in return for Saturday parking privileges in our lot.

Until that day I hope that you, the faithful, will persist in angelic patience and use the earplugs which I have placed in your stations of worship. Now go back to sleep.

Study for a career in weed management

(Montrose) The Montrose County Extension Service has announced a dramatic increase in the demand for qualified weed managers in this region. The lucrative field of weed management has expanded recently due to the ability of various strains of weeds to survive everything short of nuclear attack. This high-paying, low stress, career has developed in response to the growing problem.

“We need an entire generation of educated warm bodies to thwart the onward march of weeds and their allies,” said one extension agent. “If we don’t do something about the weeds today they will be at the gate tomorrow.”

Several powerful Western Slope weed families have defied all attempts to eradicate them, with one or two even surviving ditch fires and air strikes by the 1st Armored Crop Duster Brigade, based at Pea Green Field.

“We surprised them (the weeds) at dawn and let them have it with everything we could muster,” said Col. Wellington Bulbous, Adjunct Commander at the underground airfield. “It was really beautiful, man. The napalm climbed high into the air and the strafing had them all sitting back on their heels. The place was black with the smoke of our terrible, swift swords.”

However, after an hour long barrage, even Bulbous admitted that the attack had been less than successful, as most of the weeds survived and continued their stranglehold on the more respectable plants in the immediate area.

“We need to find out how they are doing it,” said Bulbous. “The next step is a sweep of the region and some down-home interrogation. We’ll get to the root of this problem even if we have to blow up the rest of the planet to do it,” he said. “I really don’t care either way. I’m just happy that I finally have a place to wear my camouflage outfits.”

-H.L. Menoken

Major Advertisers Look to Mega Trials For Exposure

(New York) Some of the biggest spenders in the national advertising arena are pushing for access to high visibility trials it was disclosed today. Citing the Comey Hearings and the recent Sessions sideshow as lost revenue, the powerful money folk vowed to open new avenues in an attempt to sell their products.

“The television networks are behind us,” said Bunny Ears, Executive Director of Day in Court, an organization made up of Fortune 500 advertisers. “First of all we want the big trials televised, then we want to buy time on the broadcasts. Football just doesn’t produce enough blood to reach the more modern TV consumer.”

Toole assured reporters that the process would start slow with subtle messages displayed throughout the courtroom.

“We could have a beer ad on the judge’s bench and a promotional dispatch featuring laundry detergent on the backs of the juror’s chairs,” explained Ears. “Further marketing pleas could emerge in such wasted spaces as the court reporter’s shirt or on sandwich boards outside the chambers.”

Some officials like the idea saying that advertising revenue would cut the cost of trying an accused felon.

“Take the classic Theodore Kaczynski case and the Terry Nichols hearings. Look at the Carlos the Jackal trial in Paris,” said one prosecuting attorney. “Look at OJ and Cosby. The public has a right to watch the play-by-play in their living rooms.”

Of course there are trials that would be hands off, like a recent British Nanny acquittal.

“There’s very little money in nannies,” said Ears.

– Rocky Flats