All Entries Tagged With: "Western"
INOCULATION REQUIREMENT DROPPED FOR UTAH VISITS
(Nucla) Visitors to the the Beehive State will no longer be required to show proof of vaccines/shots according to the Sturgeon General’s Office at Cahone. The long held practice of preventive health insurance was abandoned after the Twin Cities (Nucla and Naturita) were shown to be reasonably safe.
“They haven’t had a case of leprosy in over 15 years and both communities continue to make strides on Dutch elm disease as well,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster of St. Roscoe’s Clinic in Cahone. “We think it has something to do with uranium tailings,” he mused, “but that’s a very touchy subject.”
The Disappointment Valley Optimist Club has already scheduled a prairie dog pancake supper to celebrate the lifting of the quarantine.
“It was killing our summer tourism,” said one member of the altruistic sect.
Red Soyalle, a Basque chef operating Grady’s Gravy Heaven in Paradox told The Horseshoe that “the gov’ment ought to stay out of the commerce end of things and help with the fly problem around here.”
“I hang fly paper and even give out swatters to every adult diner,” he whined. “Why can’ those little balls of snot open their own restaurant? They could serve (expletive deleted).”
Flies often grow to enormous size here but elected officials are reluctant to blame the problem on radium/uranium tailings (see above).
Visitors from Mars and Telluride are reminded that they are still required to carry a visa when wandering west of Redvale. That’s the document not the plastic.
– Uncle Pahgre
CB SKI DOME APPROVED BY COMMISSIONERS
(Crested Butte) Construction of the nation’s first Ski Dome is slated to begin in April according to unreliable sources here. Last night’s blanket approval of the expansion by Gunnison County Commissioners was the last stumbling block in what has been a five-year effort secure a permit for the dome.
Over the past few seasons lift ticket prices have increased substantially while improvements have hardly kept pace. Critics of the ski industry, pointing to lucrative use of public property in the ski/real estate formula, say the Department of the Interior should implement lift ticket control like rent control and other programs operating around the country at present.
“The dome will represent these elusive improvements that ski barons keep talking about,” said Melvin Toole, a retired bumpmeister from Pitkin. “Now when people ask why tickets cost so much the lift operators can simply point at the dome.”
Sources at CBMR say the dome, which will cost 3 million dollars to build, will save thousands in snow making expenses and discourage melting due to climate controls turned on at night. The filters imbedded in the ceiling will allow just the right kind of sun into the picture while blocking out the dangerous rays. Skiers can expect perfect conditions every day and plans to operate the lifts 24-hours a day are in the works.
“Wind, blizzards, flat light and frigid temperatures will be a thing of the past,” said Billy Bub Bo Benchmark, a ski area spokesman who courted anonymity. “It will be a lot like going to the mall or skiing on a video game.”
Already local merchants have been invited to place large advertisements on the inner walls of the dome and native trees have been replaced with plastic varieties. The astro-turf arrives Friday.
“The retractable roof lets snow in while keeping many of the negative elements out,” said Benchmark. Three new hotels are planned and a 100-acre parking area has been purchased from the Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons facility at Gothic.”
Construction is expected to be completed by the Fourth of July, unless it snows.
“Now they won’t even have to lie about last night’s accumulations anymore,” said Toole.
“This is fun and exciting,” said Benchmark. “We just hope nobody runs into a wall.” – Suzie Compost
Missouri Exhibitionist Demands Diplomatic Immunity
(Montrose) A Missouri man, in custody for allegedly exposing himself to the local ladies’ gardening club over the weekend, has claimed diplomatic immunity in his defense.
Citing his state’s slogan; Show Me, Horace Moon insists he is innocent on all accounts.
“Mr. Moon was well within his state constitutional rights at the time of the incident,” said attorney Beatrice Buffe of Denver. “He was only adhering to his patriotic duty as he saw it. His vindication is simply a matter of time and, of corpse, my legal fees.”
The garden gathering feels differently. According to the police report, Moon jumped a seven-foot trellis, shattered an expensive bird bath and frightened three small dogs before dropping his britches to his knees and scowling at the perfumed assemblage.
“Then he began chanting, jumping up and down and screeching a distorted variation of the Rebel Yell,” said Marguerite Worthington Bulbous (of the Riverbottom Bulbouses). “I know that yell when I hear it. My father employed the spine-tingling scream it every night when he hit the hay with mother.”
Bulbous, a long-term member of the Unwed Daughters of the Confederacy, went on to say that the petunia crop would probably not survive another monsoon while tougher flowers like pansies and marigolds would suffer hardships in the case of a drought but would live on to fight another day.
Moon, a native of Lamar (also the birthplace of Harry Truman) is known to be “as stubborn as a Missouri mule” according to close friends. A former scout for the St Louis Cardinals, his extracurricular trench coat activities have plagued him since childhood.
Currently incarcerated at the local calaboose, Moon sits defiantly, alone and without remorse in his orange tear-away jumpsuit. At press time the Show Me State has refused pleas to pay his bail, set at $25,000. His trial is set for sometime after Christmas.
– Jack Spratt
DISPUTE WITH SWISS COULD COST OURAY
(Red Mountain Pass) The Swiss government today filed suit against the town of Ouray over a series of alleged copyright violations. The action focuses on the continued use of the slogan Switzerland of America and a web address domain that the Europeans insist have been previously registered.
Attorneys for the town of Ouray have been rather candid in response saying that Ouray should settle out of a quart before the Swiss start pulling out their little red army knives. They suggest that the Colorado town offer Switzerland several smaller peaks, free tickets to Box Canyon and a player to be named later.
More on this if it develops.
Pentagon to Release Cartoon Show
(Arlington, VA) What ever happened to the refined violence common to Sylvester the Cat and Tweety Pie? Wasn’t the punch of Mighty Mouse enough to inspire primitive instincts in children? Apparently not.
This morning the Pentagon, frustrated over what members say is “no more than animated Congressional grandstanding,” has announced the completion of its first cartoon pilot entitled Bazooka Joe and Friends. It will air this weekend.
The cartoon, which features military tactics that might impress the likes of Napoleon, is the brainchild of General Worthington Bulbous, the 300-pound war horse/illustrator who has given himself so many battlefield commendations (right there from his desk drawer) that he can barely stand. He even wears the medals to bed. Aides say its the shear weight of his accomplishments, and not the Old Forester from the night before, that causes him to be so difficult in the morning. Either way, the man has enough brass to construct a suspension bridge across the Potomac.
The cartoon cast, all of them volunteers, reside in the endless system of Pentagon tunnels attempting to evade the alien oil creatures from the planet Opaque, who seek to pacify them. If the story line isn’t original the level of violence certainly is, leading to concerns on the part of parents and teachers that the show is destructive.
“Bazooka Joe sends the wrong message to our kids,” said Patsy Paste-Smith, a principal at Lee Harvey Oswald Junior High, in suburban Virginia. These cartoons are far too life-like and far to itchy to pull the nuclear trigger.”
Sources at the Pentagon defend the program in that it may work well as a recruiting tool and gives the military a safe place to test weaponry.
“Bazooka Joe is the perfect recruiter,” said Bulbous. “Just watch his tear-jerking plea convincing the other cartoons to get up and fight! We want to educate the kids as to the advantages of war while they’re still young enough to enjoy it in its purist form. Explosions, dematerializing and capitulation to fire power are part of their sacred legacy here in these United States,” said the general.
A stunning cameo, by Uncle Scam himself, will highlight the first episode while the inventive neutron bomb ring and decoder will be featured down the road.
All profits from the broadcast will be used to paint the Pentagon camouflage as a defense against the imagined incursions of guerrillas operating out of the Zoological Gardens somewhere north or south of here.
-Suzie Compost
