All Entries Tagged With: "Western satire"
Cereal blamed for demise
(Pea Green) Too many choices in the cereal aisle, not overpopulation or pollution, has been blamed for the demise of Western Culture according to a ten-year study completed here this week.
After intense debate by social scientists, soccer moms and the academic world, urban stress, the breakdown of family and overgrazing were listed as major components of the malady. Alcohol and illegal drug abuse, economic disparity, television and the lack of water rounded out the frightening roster.
“We don’t know what this means,” admitted Dr Efram Pennywhistle Dean of Wheat at Pea Green Academy, “which is in keeping with the tabulations of our other tedious studies since the Civil War. We’re not looking to take the gloves off with Tony the Tiger or mix it up with Snap, Crackle and Pop but the results are conclusive,” he burped.
Critics of the academy say participants in the study have sugarcoated statistics with regard to social ills and drown legitimate findings with the aid of the dairy industry.
“They’re all a bunch of flakes,” said Captain Crunch, a retired bore hero who now represents Ralston-Furina. “Are they really including icons like Quaker Oats and Kellogg’s Corn Flakes on their hit list?”
Pennywhistle admitted his team may have been caught with egg on their faces with this premature announcement.
“We should have waited until the lunch line died down to release our findings,” he flinched. “Maybe they expected us to spoon feed them on this one.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
REGIONAL SNORTS
Mosquito Negotiations Break Down
(Ridgway) Negotiations between local residents and mosquitoes have been terminated due unresolved issues here. Both sides accuse the other of underhanded manipulation and distorting facts and statistics. In one of the later meetings human representatives even went so far as to swat mosquitoes just outside the conference room itself.
Calling the mosquito contingent “nothing more than bloodsuckers” one of the more vocal humans suggested “eradicating the species once and for all.
“That’s rather brutal, isn’t it,” buzzed a mosquito spokesman. “Think of all the good things we do for them. If they don’t want to share the planet they should cowboy up or just stay indoors for the summer.”
Experts say that unattended pools of stagnant water are the breeding grounds for trouble. Talks, held every summer have failed to alleviate the problem on shared existence. This is difficult when the basic priorities of each group create conflict for the other.
“There are lots of people and lots of mosquitos out there,” said a sprayed-down human from the shade. “Some will win and some will lose.”
Emperor’s New Clothes Missing From Free Box
(Telluride) As of early this morning the emperor’s new clothes are still missing here. Efforts to identify the clothing have been hampered by the weekly post-festival status of the much renowned charity closet.
“We think the clothing in question was mixed in with the clothing that had already taken up residence there, said Buffy Hollandaise of the local inquisitor’s bureau. “We are up against a very perplexing dilemma in that emperor’s clothes are difficult to see.”
Hollandaise did not comment on conjecture that there are other invisible clothes in the Free Box. When last seen she was busy e-mailing herself regarding an afternoon meeting.
Meanwhile the emperor, bare as an imperial prune, remains in semi-hiding at an undisclosthe Pandora shed and breakfast. Faced with the choice between certain arrest for public nudity and growing fines for delinquent parking fines, he has limited his fiscal sojourns to evening and early morning. In some cases friends have dropped coins into the meters in support of his majesty and his predicament.
– Zorro DePlants
BAT BOY SIGNS FOR 1.2 MILLION
(New Jork) Your New York Mets’ batboy has signed a multi-year contract extension estimated to be in the neighborhood of 1.2 million dollars with incentives. Mickey Mandolin, the instant millionaire was unavailable for comment because he was in school. The Mets front office acknowledged that the contract would probably set a dangerous precedent but feared losing the 14-year-old to free agency.
“Did you ever try to get a decent batboy on a weekend,” said Marvin Tinkleholland, Player Support Coordinator for the team. “If we’re paying players millions we have to keep up on player support personnel or we’re dead in the water. Paying the batboy by the hour while the rest of the team rakes in the cash is akin to serfdom. Mr. Doubleday would not have been pleased.”
Insiders agree that the Mets are searching for the right chemistry that will produce a pennant sometime soon. Consistency is the key and they appear unwilling take the time to break in another batboy for next season.
“Mandolin’s salary is equivalent to what most of our players spend on their laundry,” smiled Tinkleholland. “We’ll just jack up the ticket prices and double the price of a hot dog. New Yorkers are accustomed to getting screwed.”
The young New York “lumber clerk” is the first batboy to exceed a million dollars in salary. Three others make an annual salary in the neighborhood of $600,000, not counting an initial signing bonus, lucrative endorsements, retirement packages and incentives.
“That’s not a bad payday for about six months work,” stressed Tinkleholland. “In the spastic spectator frenzy of the 21st Century entertainment, even the batboy is a major draw.
– Rocky Flats
Catfish-Jello Salad
Recipes For the Trail
(Merluza may be substituted for Catfish)
Directions: Take two packets of lemon or banana jello. Cut and opening in each approximately 4-5 inches long.
Catch 8 Catfish (4-5 inches long) and cram them into the little boxes of jello. Shake hell out of the boxes. Remove the coated fish and place in a rubber dish. Mix remaining jello with water and carefully pour into a mold.
Throw the rubber dish up into the air until all of the catfish have fallen into the dirt around your campfire. Turn fish. Place in mold with jello. Cool.
For a delectable sauce combing 4 oz Tabasco with half-gallon vinegar and add one tsp. brown sugar and a pint of club soda. Cook for a while.
As a special family activity take the (hopefully) uneaten heads and tails of the fish and make swell little puppets out of them with toothpicks and some material from Mom’s sewing box. A resourceful or bored young camper will soon experiment with all sorts of applications here such as fish pantomime and song and dance. What fun!
Slagman Mulls Comeback
Slagman PI, pictured above at one of his many affordable housing projects, is reportedly pondering a return to the 4th Estate. Could an avalanche of social media demands in tandem with the scribe’s crisp command of the regional subtleties lead the bad boy of the press back to the private hell of a monthly column? Will he put an end to tediously long sentences on his watch? A cast of supporting actors says yes while his seedy publicist says no. “He could always smell the blood in the water,” said leading lady, Labiana Fettuccine. “All the pain and suffering was just an act.”
Space Visitors Talk Directly to Lower Primates
(Manaus, Brasil) More and more, visitors from outer space are talking directly to less-developed primates rather than to their allegedly evolved counterparts. Aliens from other planets are purposely avoiding contact with the more intelligent humans because they are difficult, violent and petty, according to a de-coded message intercepted on Stellar IV Friday.
“The future of the earth is definitely in the hands of monkeys and not humans,” said the correspondence. “We are now firmly convinced that they shall inherit the place after they (people) are gone and that we should continue a meaningful dialogue for the future.”
The message did not state when or by what means the humans would “be gone” or where they would go.
Officials at NASA continue to discount rumors of any contact with alien beings.
“It’s all a lot of monkey business,” said one NASA source. “Those apes don’t even have cell phones and most are loaded with fleas. Who could want to carry on an intelligent conversation with them?”
Officials here have still not explained a massive drop of bananas into the jungle near the forest fires along the Amazon River Basin giving credence to rumors that the primates and aliens have already come to certain good faith agreements as to the future stewardship of the planet.
“The war they’re at over in France, this last while.” says Eneas.
“Jesus, that’s for English boys, Eneas.” says his Pappy kindly.
“No,” says Eneas. “There’s rakes of Sligomen gone out.”
“Now, but not boys,” says his mother. “Not boys…I don’t like you fighting in a foreigner’s war,” says his Mam. “Nor any war where my first-born boy might be murdered.”
“What’s foreign if there’s Irishmen in it? says Eneas.
-from The Whereabouts of Eneas McNulty by Sebastian Barry