All Entries Tagged With: "Western satire"
CUT BAIT HOROSCOPE
Are you in need of constant cosmic reassurance? Do you dial psychic lines in the privacy of your own home? Do you actually believe that some other mortal can tell you what is best for you after shuffling a few decks of cards, reading tarots or throwing tobacco leaves up into the air? You probably vote every November too, don’t you. Instead, try perusing the following collection of stargazer hypocrisy. It makes as much sense as all the other crap and it’s free, which is just slightly more than it’s worth.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Air dirty laundry on the sunny side of the street. Hibernation is socially acceptable just so long as you floss afterwards. Enjoy trash day to the utmost, but don’t linger near the pickup route. Remember: The garbage engineers work on commission and the landfill is not a desired destination. Stay in bed till mid-afternoon and be sure to check the mail for lucrative credit card offers before retiring at sundown. If you must count on other people try not using their fingers to do so. Distinguish between your worst friend and your best enemy. Maybe they are the same person. Maybe it’s you. Try adjusting your blinders. Living in denial is better than living in Florida. A window of opportunity should not be confused with a revolving door. Whittle yourself into a frenzy. Tonight: Swoon with the Moon.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t waste time dwelling on other people’s fantasies. If you insist on playing the part of the victim at least provide your own props. Houseplants may be testy until the wind dies down. Be understanding but don’t take a lot of crap…You control the water can. Opinions may violate existing noise ordinances through the 15th. A helping hand may get caught in the elevator door. Grocery store parking lots are the perfect places to meet prospective lovers. Try produce too. Swinging dentists tend to rattle your gums. Hoard tick-tack replicas of Americana. Avoid long sentences, especially those handed down by the legal system. Where did you get that haircut? At the garden center? Tonight: Get into someone’s pocket..
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
An unexpected career in modeling awaits your exploration. Store negative emotions out in the garage with bad dancers, impromptu suitors, tired petitions and broken-down promises. Get to know your limit when eating and drinking by consistently eating and drinking your limit. Prepare for an exotic sailor with a fish under each arm. Separate fantasy from reality and pretty wine bottles from the rest of your trash. It may take three to Tango but only two for the horizontal two-step. Embrace Flamenco instead. Watch for thorns in the roses, pits in the olives and the worm in the Mescal. Kilts simply won’t do at the beach. Maintain your sense of humor by laughing at others. Sinking ships loosen lips. Tonight: A little more of the right bait can land a bigger fish.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
A waxing moon is not your fault. Evening stars bring darkness. Every cloud has a polyester lining. Speak clearly and distinctly when using other people’s credit cards. If it’s your birthday, you appear to have done at least one thing right. Embrace shallow ideologies but never kiss on the first date. Accentuate reciprocal events. Why languish on the merry-go-round when the roller coaster is departing? Spontaneous combustion is just around the corner. What with the signing of the newest nuclear test ban treaty don’t you think it’s high time to clean your bathroom? Keep your nose to your own grindstone and out of the grindstones of others. Problems on the home front may dictate changing home fronts. Brasil is nice. Bahia never Rio. After a week on the beach even you will stop thinking like an American. Tonight: Pull an ingrown hair for nostalgia.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Your conspicuous left flank is dangerously exposed to a counter attack through the astral ammunition dump. Romance is just around the corner but not within your inner circle. Vacation with strangers. Rusty fiscal wheels are in dire need of rotation. Difficulties finding warm bodies at the ice fishing convention shouldn’t dampen your enthusiasm for afternoon sushi. Become familiar with flirtation devices before jumping into the surf. If you intend to hurl yourself into a project be attentive to the follow-through net. Your dog-without-a-bone mentality is in need of a muzzle. If you were attractive you would be happier. Rain on your parade will be a blessing this summer. Develop eyebrows. Even the most intricate webs net dead flies. Tonight: Showcase bad table manners.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 22)
Jumping to conclusions is far better than jumping off a bridge. When at the grocery be on the lookout for a rich, seductive stranger in the cereal aisle. Don’t be offended by lewd advice or a casual brush back from cartoons on the colorful boxes. Sociopathic tendencies might be a premium in empty Greenland. Move there. If you wish for something too hard you still might not get it. Humans are the only species that blush and subdivide. Spend quality time with your woodpile. Even the feedlot has effective mass transit. Avoid being overly serious about personal hygiene. Listen to your bacteria. Tough decisions await you tomorrow, but hey, it’s still today. Use only root words when fertilizing plants. Tonight: Confirm underlying fears.
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
With a recovering economy it may be difficult to sell your pickpocket practice this summer. Thrive on petty jealousy. Don’t take credit card debt personally. Rich peasants remain peasants. You may be nearing a junction pitting your emotions against your intellect. Stay down. It takes far less energy to meditate than to scream. Predictability is an art. Place all bets at the back entrance. Compatibility has always been an issue. While your extensive banana republic wardrobe says, “I’m an adventurer” you really never leave town. Fear of flying won’t pay for that bus ticket. Get some exercise this afternoon by walking down to the bar for a change. Tonight: Inherited wealth lessens the pain of minimum wage.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Your birthday could be ignored again at the end of the year hat with the Trump indictments. Hire a few apostles to bring your situation to light. It worked for another well-known Capricorn. Too much rum will fog up the looking glass. This reality can be good or bad depending on the sugar cane crop. If you feel out of balance it’s because you are out of balance. Try standing on your head and gaining a new prospective. Avoid Scorpio pets. Too much flag waving may create negative side effects in the elbow region. Symptomology is an art not a science. Keep this and all drooling advice out of the reach of children. Lending a hand could result in the loss of face. Tonight: Tuna salad at twenty paces.
AQUARIUS (January 20 -February 19)
If you insist on fishing for compliments throw away those artificial lures and use heavy test line. Plug in your car since your ruler, Mercury, is expected to go into retrograde (one last freeze) tonight. Pay bills only after initial threats are received and logged. Concentrate on what’s important: Find your sweet patootie. Try a little understanding even if civil servants fly off the handle even once too often. Planning for the future will simply result in more organized failure as the new moon passes overhead. Take on challenges one schlep at a time. Screen all fruitcake. Avoid cheap cigars at romantic moments. Isn’t it about time you get those Christmas cards in the mail? Tonight: Paint the neighbor’s car.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Morning insecurities add up to afternoon indecision. Leave plans for future in the future where they belong. Spawning in the wrong circles may be seen as little fishy. Stay clear of frying pans and hush puppies till the winds die down. You are far less attractive than you realize. You may be on a roll but so is the liver pudding. If you have been thinking about committing yourself to some kind of cause or campaign why not go the full gambit and commit yourself to an institution instead. A lion will have a tail to tell but so then does the mouse. Disruptions are not part of life…They are life. Gratitude and reciprocity are spelled differently for a reason. A left-handed approach may result in a right-handed blow to the forehead. Tonight: Have breakfast in bed.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
It is your responsibility to make sure that your love life/relationship/marriage/future does not become slow/agonizing/tedious/mundane. Variety is the answer/key. Tonight why not try apologizing/making up first and fighting later. If a business partner/client is off the wall put him/her/it through the wall at earliest convenience. Use lots of slashes and other odd punctuation throughout the spring. It will either confuse and/or impress. Weekly shopping can be simplified by purchasing/charging by the case at your friendly, local liquor/cordial outlet. In order to relieve the stress/fatigue of the marketplace be sure to stop at your local saloon/tavern before heading back to your home/shelter. Note: Drinking to excess has always been an option. Tonight: Comfortable as second fiddle in a remedial kazoo orchestra.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing. What matters is that you’re not doing anything. Someone has spilled gourmet coffee on your star chart. Now your future is decaffeinated. Your creativity is at a high point — Today is perfect for making cookies or bombs in the basement. If fiscal worries have you singing the blues try peddling your version with a country twang. People actually buy that kind of garbage. Remember: The first step to solving any problem is to deny it. Limit other vocal arrangements to the shower. Assert yourself this month: You don’t have to sell the daily special to pets. Let them order directly from the menu if they are so smart. Remember: Nobody ever cut themselves chopping electricity or natural gas. Send all creditors cheap, meaningless presents in lieu of cash. Surely they will understand. Tonight: Embrace a friend who owes you money.
– General Kashmir Horseshoe, Staff Unitologist
TRAVELER’S WARNING
The U.S. State Department has issued a big boy serious traveler’s warning for Americans who resemble Ronald McDonald. A secondary alert has also been filed with our embassies regarding people who dress in clown outfits, have red noses or smell like french fries. Due to recent attacks on fast food restaurants in France, Greece and China the world is no longer safe for our brand of democracy. YOU MAY ALREADY BE IN DANGER!
Regions and countries to avoid include Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, as well as South and Central America. One may also be at risk where negative sentiments on globalization are lurking. Remember: There’s a reason that these people are foreigners!
Next Month: How many times have you seen an animal smile at the zoo?
Longtime Proof Reader Celebrates 100 Years
(Paradox Valley) Congratulations are arriving from every port and good wishes from every continent commemorating the 100th birthday of Susie Compost, executive proofreader at the sanjuanhorseshoe.com.
Compost joined the paper in 1977 at age 56 after a stunning career in molecular organics, specializing in tuna casseroles and front-end work. After the stress of uptown expectations and downtown deadlines she was now looking for something simple to pass the time.
Despite near-blindness and a facial tick that caused her to skip large swaths of copy she was a constant plug on an otherwise leaky staff. Management at the website suggest that it would take three people to do her job therefore she will not be replaced, at least in the human sense, saving four salaries.
“Susie was on the job every morning at 6 am,” said editor Foggy Bedwetter-Toole, “but it often took her an hour to find her cubby hole and the light switch. Getting her to lunch was a nightmare and helping her find her car was becoming an issue. To say that the editorial staff covered for her would be understated.”
Co-workers went on to undress the issue that the trademark Paraguayan cigar, eternally in place in her teeth, did little to dilute the cutting edge journalism or provoke sabotage by the the ghosts of a hundred typewriters, once employed at a rhythmic pace.
“The tobacco smell covered the pitchopuli oil that she bathed in each morning and night,” winced Toole
Although hundreds have applied for the proofreading slot, none has displayed the keen intensity, creative grammar and utter distortion of the English language and its quirks. In addition, none have had martial arts training and pinpoint range shooting that keeps everything in perspective at deadline.
“She kept that machete sharp enough to split an infinitive,” said Bedwetter-Toole, “and discouraged the baby journalists from eating all the glazed donuts.”
Compost has determined a retirement date but will not share it with anyone. She is reportedly concerned over water cooler chatter that she will be replaced with a philodendron or a social-climbing English ivy.
“We just figure that when she stops showing up to proof read, she will have retired, leaving room within the salary cap to remodel the employee lounge and firm up a saggy retaining wall in the op-ed department.
A Colombian proof reading team has reached out to the Horseshoe but the paper/website is concerned that piercing cynicism and curious innuendo might be lost in translation.
-Gabby Haze
Feds to tackle dependency on foreign olive oil
(Italian Mountain) Movers and shakers within the Biden Administration say they hope to reduce the nation’s dependency on foreign olive oil by 30% over the next few years. Adding that reserves already on our soil must be tapped they insist that drilling operations must be allowed in urban areas, especially in Mediterranean neighborhoods.
Although it is not clear where vast deposits of olive oil might be hiding, the Biden people hope to celebrate the nation’s diversity while improving its diet.
We think there are major inventories of olive shale all over the Rockies and, thanks to laws regarding the ownership of mineral rights we have direct access,” said one Department of Interior bigwig. “These stockpiles may be just under the surface or deep down in the ocean but we plan to harvest what we can so as to get the country moving in the right direction.
Phase two of the program calls for the planting of 3.5 million olive trees and the construction of pressing and processing plants along the Confront Range and in Utah. In order to flourish olive trees need just the right mixture of soil and sunshine. The Rockies provide both.
“Small farmers, many who have been cut out of the American Dream by large corporations are anxious to get into the action,” continued the source. Small batch olive oil production is controlled and limited allowing for more mom and pop players.
“We will not sit by and watch out population deprived of a Sunday drive, a nice fresh salad or an organic massage,” said one tired Democrat attempting to calm fears and assure that everyone an participate and benefit from these detours.
Olive oil cartels in Greece, Italy and Spain have been gradually increasing the price per barrel causing prices to drastically increase in this country. Combined with taxes and more taxes the average price of a liter of olive oil has jumped 45% since 2018. Unreliable sources within the Biden Administration contend that unless we wake up, the demand for the foreign substance will increase, placing “unholy pressures” on an already burgeoning trade deficit.
“We could even run out which would spell disaster for our vegans, chefs, vegetarians, restaurant aficionados and the newfound health-driven economy,” said the spokesman.
Olive groves, of corpse, provide lucrative targets for terrorists and others intent on disrupting our system, say the officials. Plans to unleash Homeland Security agents and paramilitary teams to guard the oil producing trees may be implemented just as soon as the picked-green-on-the-vine tomato crop arrives from Mexico.
White House whispers suggest that in Iraq, where insurgents have blown up olive fields, the situation has improved.
“We are seeing a return to normal there as the population has begun embracing Democracy and rejecting radical margerinism in their kitchens,” said the source. “We are assured that our allies in the Mediterranean will stand fast but freedom doesn’t come cheap and there are many crutons to overcome.”
– Suzie Compost
“Pray to Jesus. So are they.” – Colonel Edgerington “Dutch” Kahildegrand, moments before leading his Tommies over the top at the Somme in 2016.
UAE Pilgrims Procure Plot on Mars
(Utopia Basin) Astronauts from the United Arab Emirates have reportedly raised that nation’s flag on a small strip of Martian land about the size of Manhattan Island. The property, purchased for some trinkets and 30 pieces of silver, runs from Isidis Basin through volcanoes, craters and mounds of red dust to Hellas Basin in the Southern Highlands.
Despite the perceived absence of fresh water in the Martian ecosystem early arrivals hope that salt water may be present.
“Our acquisition offers protection from dust storms and a very good harbor from which to continue our exploration and dominate weaker alien life,” said Conor Sturgeon, who spent 2 months orbiting the Red Planet late last year. “My virgin flight that was suppose to cover the 300 million miles in several weeks stretched into ten times that amount leaving me with nothing to eat but frozen tamales and Grape Tang.”
“Boredom was my biggest enemy. I counted stars. I watched John Wayne movies. I missed my dog terribly. I read everything I could get my thumbs on. Reading is a challenge in weightlessness. You just put the book down for a moment and it’s gone. It’s tough enough to locate books in English in the backcountry of South America. Try finding English titles in outer space?” he said. “It’s next to impossible.”
The first UAE spacecraft reached the Martian orbit last month marking the first time a Middle Eastern country staked out a scientific presence in the region. The primary mission was to study the planet’s atmosphere and climate but the space crew couldn’t pass up the rock bottom cost of real estate, reminiscent of America’s Rust Belt in the 80s.
“We’re looking at putting up 7000 condos over at Noachis Terra on our next voyage,” said one astronaut, “and the construction of a state-of-the-art performance center to be christened Chryse Planitia in honor of Venetian soap opera star and love goddess who choked to death on a pastrami sandwich in 2018.
The earthlings await tons of survival equipment that is expected to make its descent on Friday (Saturday on Mars). The cargo includes daily requirements of freeze-dried guilt laced with fear-based philosophies, plastic water bottles and life-ending weaponry.
– Syd Fahrdt
Man on the Moon Mere Flimflam
(Houston) NASA today admitted that the 1969 landing of astronauts on the Moon was no more than an evil hoax meant to dupe the American public and distract the nation from the Vietnam War, unemployment stats and racial unrest. In a lengthy statement the space administration acknowledged that the entire event was staged right down to specimens brought back.
“The whole echilada was shot near Grand Junction, Colorado, out in the Stinking Desert,” said one NASA source. “We didn’t figure that so many people would be watching and well…things kind of got out of control.”
The desert region around Grand Junction is often mistaken for a lunar landscape which made it the perfect location says NASA adding that the geologic samples too were bogus, having been purchased from Tinkers somewhere between Paradox and LaSal Junction in 1967.
Apparently NASA, encouraged by the public’s profound willingness to be hoodwinked by the gov’ment got carried away and started making outrageous claims and taking credit for such a stunning victory in Outer Space.
“Even the Russians believed us,” said the source.
Coming clean on the grounds that they would not be prosecuted, engineers and technicians here expressed relief that the secret lie had now become public.
“Besides,” said NASA, “everyone working on that operation has retired and the statute of limitations has run out. We suggest that Americans just laugh it off as a bad joke and go see a Star Trek movie or two.”
– Small Mouth Bess
