All Entries Tagged With: "Western satire"
CDOT Crews To Decorate Roadkill
(Gunnison) Due to a still muddy policy as to the timely removal of animal carcasses from the highways, state crews have been instructed to decorate the dead beasts for Christmas. According to a directive from top road officials the crews will “dress up the roadkill with reflecting lights and festive bulbs” until a specific policy on the matter can be determined.
At present jurisdictional conflicts have sullied the waters regarding responsibility for hauling off the carnage caused by collisions with vehicles, usually after dark. Despite a plethora of flashing signs that warn of game crossings, accidents involving herd animals and cars remain about the same as last year.
The action comes as winter knocks at the door. A spokesman for CDOT told The Horseshoe that his department didn’t want to offend visitors by leaving dead animals on the highway but that other priorities had to be considered.
“We want to establish a clear approach to the disposal of these unfortunate victims,” said Eleanor Trout, director of exterior design for the state. “Right now nobody knows where the responsibility for this unpleasant cleanup may lie. We need to examine job descriptions, masterplans and basic hygiene before formulating a solution.”
In the meantime crews will attempt to disguise the roadkill with all kinds of costumes and fanfare. One particularly innovative group near Almont has taken to placing hats and sunglasses on dead deer while an elk killed near Never Sink has been donned with ribbon, balloons, tinsel and solar-powered Christmas lights.
“To the average citizen this behavior may appear insensitive but it’s better than looking at blood and guts,” continued the spokesman. “Our hands are tied here until a specific directive comes down from the top.”
Traditionally crows and magpies have helped ease the tension by employing instinctive janitorial methods while scavengers such as coyotes and developers have also done their part.
“The birds are our best allies but how much can we expect them to do?” asked Trout. “They are small and deer and elk are big. According to our research it takes three weeks for nine crows to eat a deer and over a month for them to consume and elk. Sure, it’s all natural enough but in these days of air-conditioned cars, designer cows and hermetically sealed suburbs it looks shoddy at best.”
While most regional road crews have embraced the idea of decorating the roadkill others have shunned the concept preferring to engage in asphalt patching and mowing operations. In one case crews left a dead mule deer to rot for days while painting guardrails and manicuring shoulders.
“These guys work hard on the highways. Some may be in denial when it comes to removing roadkill but for the most part they are cooperative and do a good job,”added Trout. “After all we’ve built miles and miles of deer fence for these animals and they should shoulder part of the blame”
Officials in Denver say the matter will be resolved just as soon as they return from vacation. – Kashmir Horseshoe
“We don’t have twelve years’ experience in Vietnam. We have one year’s experience twelve times over.”
– John Paul Vann, who died in a helicopter crash near Kon Tum, Vietnam in 1972.
Popular Wiggles and Giggles Program Cancelled
It’s downright difficult to determine if people are laughing when they are wearing masks and standing six feet away BUT our team has doubled down and doubled over. We will likely expand and relocate our alpine exercise program (morning walks) to virtual status allowing the conjunction of good hygiene and supposed safety. Along with impressive readership figures maintained (chronic boredom?) since the beginning of our current health predicament we have achieved stability and marginal greatness just like your elected officials. Many of our participants have lost up to 200 pounds since March! See your skinny ass on-line.
“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” – Matthew 19:23-26
Official Sipping Phase Bumped Up
Regulation cocktail hour for December has been moved up an hour to accommodate the increase in traffic expected on the bridge and the Boot Hill Ferry over the river and through the woods to some such fantasy destination.
After the Twelfth Month festivities and Solstice the more traditional cocktail hour my once again resume. There will be no exceptions. This shift is in no way intending to interrupt naps, disturb quiet time, discourage afternoon delight or pay the wages of sin. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused by the change of holiday agenda.
Brain Washing Will Continue Despite Drought
(Venison, CO) The federal gov’ment and thousands of international corporations meeting here this week have agreed to keep the pressure on consumers and constituents at least through 2021.
Both Democrats and Republicans have partnered with the money crating a frightening alliance between power brokers needing sheep in the pasture and pawns onboard as fuel for their self-serving endeavors.
“Who ever heard of good government?” asked Fred Herring, spokesperson for Parlin’s thriving anarchist party. “By definition government is oppressive. Government serves itself and never the people. At least the blood hungry corporations admit that they are in it only to benefit numero uno.”
Readers are instructed to digest the following memetic banter and destroy any hard evidence of same ‘lessin’ it falls into the wrong circles.
- Forget all he negative press about notorious sweatshops. GAP loves its employees right down to the bone.
- DOW CHEMICAL is down in the trenches with the dispossessed fighting again global warming.
- North Korea is a country where everyone is happy, equal and bountiful.
- Big Pharm should and will be trusted to deliver a vaccine to control the spread of Covid-19. Disregard reminders about that industry’s role in the opioid crisis. Maybe the gov’ment could step in and protect its citizens from the soulless profiteers,…But probably not. Thoughts and prayers for a new solution.
- If someone disagrees with the military-industrial marriage in our America they must be one of them socialists. You can classify them as such even though you really don’t quite know what a socialist might be.
- Iran is evil. Oil pipelines are for the good of us all.
– Ed Herring
CANADA OFFERS TO SHARE THANKSGIVING
(Badger, MN) In a gesture to the incoming Biden Administration, Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau has offered to lend Canadian Thanksgiving to its neighbors to the south in 2021.
That holiday, which is celebrated on October 11 up north, is pretty close to the American version especially if one substitutes poutine for nachos, hockey for football or a Caesar for a Bloody Mary.
“The country got screwed out of the only holiday that is real anymore, the only one that isn’t hyped out of its bright red holiday suspenders,” said a statement from Ottawa. “We simply want to show solidarity and give them options so as to facilitate the season’s celebrations.
Both countries expressed hope that the virus would no longer be an issue by next fall and that the US could again make use of its own longstanding day of thanks.
Many here expressed gratitude saying that they did feel robbed of a joyous Thanksgiving this year. Some insist that establishing a surrogate date lends stability in a world of black and white surprises on both sides of the border. Others think the matter is completely absurd.
Traditional feasting, watching football, tending the fire and dreaming about the coming holidays are not the heart of the celebration. It is the warmth of family that we crave. This year many people have been absent with gatherings cancelled due to virus concerns.
Some ignore precautions and continue to fight over drumsticks and mask wearing while others readily rely on vaccines and the government to save us.
It was not clear if Washington would offer The Commonwealth any of its holidays on loan in 2021. Non-franchise “festival dates” such as Colombus Day, was sold to Italy in 2019, and April Fool’s Day, scuttled by lies and mistruths, are no longer on the butcher block. Religious observations were not part of the conversation at the time of this writing.
– Fred Zeppelin
Thanksgiving To Be Celebrated on Mondays Next Year
(Washington) The federal government has decided to make Thanksgiving a Monday holiday in keeping with its concept of uniformity. The holiday, in which citizens give thanks for the year’s blessings, has been celebrated on Thursday since its fantasy inception in 1623. Now it appears that it will join so many Fourth of Julys and Labor Days as a Monday notation on the calendar. Thursday celebrations appear destined for the scrap heap.
In 1789 George Washington issued a general proclamation for a day of thanks. That same year the Episcopal Church announced that the first Thursday in November would be a regular holiday, “unless another day be appointed by civil authorities”. In 1855 soon-to-be Confederate Virginia adopted the custom of a Thanksgiving Day. Ironically enough it was Unionist, Abraham Lincoln who proclaimed Thanksgiving as the last Thursday of the month in 1863. In 1941 Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday would be observed as a legal holiday. In Canada the holiday is celebrated in October unless the Blue Jays get into the World Series.
“It’s that part about civil authorities that fouls up the muffins,” said one traditionalist who feels this country needs all the culture it can get.
“Why fool with a good thing like Thanksgiving. Aren’t there more pressing social issues to deal with here?” he spat.
Persons wishing to continue the Thursday celebration have been hereby informed that they are doing so outside the law.
“These rogue turkey day revelers must be brought to heel,” said Congressman Oral Noise, who first penned the proposal. “The next thing you know they’ll want to celebrate the Fourth of July on the fourth of July. Bunch of damn communists!”
Sources here feel that the population will put up a fight in the early rounds but succumb to the homogenized version of Thanksgiving before long.
“We’ll indoctrinate the school children first and then frighten the elderly into submission,” said Noise. “And if we have further problems we’ll put a tariff on pumpkin pie.”
– Melvin B. Toole
