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CONGRESS REPEALS VASELINE TAX

(Washington) Despite a threatened veto by President Biden, the Senate today repealed a controversial Vaseline tax of four cents per jar. The speedy action is seen by insiders here as an attempt to distract the diligent American population from themselves and the real world around them.

Proponents of the tax, established last month, were convinced that their constituents would gladly pay a small stipend of this kind in lieu of a more painful process of hand-me-down legislation.

“Making up volumes of new laws every day isn’t easy and the President, of all people, should recognize this,” said Senator Oral Noise (Fizzy Party-WY), author of the Vaseline Amendment. “It’s bad enough the voters have to listen to all the crap that is generated in these sacred chambers without making him pay yet another creeping tax.”

Opponents of the amendment, including authors of the Contract on America, issued this statement following the final vote: “Colonial attempts to lubricate the executive and legislative branches of government in the late 16th Century deserve some credit, at least with reference to the hands-on process with which we have become accustomed. If the American voter will put up with our Congressional shenanigans and pay us to do nothing why shouldn’t we in turn make him as comfortable as possible while he is being manipulated. We feel that the Vaseline Tax was a valid assessment and that four cents not only guaranteed the free flow of commerce but also insured the ready availability of the product.”

One attractive television news anchor paraphrased the statement saying that the Congress has responded to public opinion and that it is clear that the American people will not pay any price for comfort. He then fell dead at his station, an apparent victim of over simplification and/or some bad sushi, purchased from a common unlicensed street vender in Georgetown.

Meanwhile President Biden told reporters that the tax was easily as valid as his presidency.

“Do you know how much Vaseline costs at the pumps in Europe and Japan?” he asked.

– H.L. Menoken