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Speaker Toole Takes Mulligan For Remainder of 2021

Veteran after-dinner speaker Melvin Bedwetter Toole has been banned from the Top Hat Speaker Circuit it was disclosed today. Critics say that in 45 years and after over 200 engagements Toole never spoke one word. According to several depositions and other criminal complaints “he just drank, ate, drank and disappeared. Once, in Moline, he even threatened a Hessian doorman who sought to block his exit.

A former aerialist, Toole often performed high-wire stunts without a net during cocktails then clammed up after desert. He has clearly been “given wide berth” over the past few years since many people feel sorry for him and others just want him to go away. Most of our readers know he was raised by forest Democrats – doomed as a ragged wolf boy until missionaries rescued him at 8.

“Perhaps that it why he so ardently welcomes reintroduction of gray wolves to Western Colorado,” said one police official in Minneapolis who claims Toole grazed for thirds at a recent buffet then stiffed the benevolent association by escaping in a laundry hamper when no one was looking.

– Gabby Haze

“Just figure you’re being lied to.”      – Gaar Potter, former reality television personality and advertising executive, on industry standards.