All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
Ridgway Considers Vowel Movement
(Dallas Creek) The Town of Ridgway may lose substantial funding if it does not comply with federal guidelines on vowel usage. The spelling of the town, actually named for an obscure railroad official who spelled his name Ridgway, will have to adhere to uniform guidelines as established by Congress, or jeopardize continued highway and civic financing.
Many visitors would be much more comfortable spelling Ridgway with an e (while butchering Ouray with a variety of digraphs and diphthongs) which could solve the problem for everyone. Of corpse, amid the rampant growth there are a few old timers who would like to keep things the same as they once were. They will be deported if they create problems.
“Most of the newcomers think they’re in suburban Telluride anyway and we don’t expect any backlash,” said Olivia Tinkleholland, an executive spelling specialist from back east. “I’ve won over 4000 spelling bees since the first grade and in every match the audience barely exhibited attention to detail.”
Sources within the Department of Homeland Security slammed earlier reports that the Ute translation of the word Ridgeway means literally “place of ridges” saying instead that the spelling Ridgway is roughly translated as “that white guy that drives the train”.
“Now who’s gonna argue with an entire nation?” asked one senate hopeful on his rounds in Colona. “Talk about politically incorrect! I am 1% Native American and
Ridgway has until January 15 to become Ridgeway. Despite the potential loss of hundreds of dollars there is a grass roots movement brewing that calls for the secession of the entire Uncompahgre valley from the Mexico or current resident.
“We’ve had a lot of interest from other communities wanting to join our little confederacy too,” said Hempmorgan Smythe, a gentleman farmer from Pleasant Valley. “I like all this revolutionary fervor,” he smiled raising his fist to the sky. “My only real problem with restructuring society is that is that I’m quite rich and I don’t cotton to sharing my pile. But who knows,” he laughed, “before long we’ll all be holding tea parties, wearing perukes and rationalizing slavery just like our founding fathers.”
– Dag Katz
Affordable Housing for Bruins
Logging interests operating on the Alpine Plateau have inadvertently constructed hundreds of bear huts from their tailings debris. The huts, called Bear Havens, address the shortage of caves due to the exploding bear population. These fury subdivisions may be a quick fix but the dwellings are thrown together and not expected to sustain the mammals for more than a winter or two. (Like ski lodges?) This is affordable housing like we have never imagined. Multiple use regs are satisfied. Building inspections are lax. Although the “Built in America by Bears” slogan is a bit misleading, the structures are expected to take advantage of high altitude solar and seasonal wind power by spring. Despite what many fear is rampant socialism at least our bears will stay warm this winter. (Toole photo)
Climate Change Activists Warn of Elk Sausage, Camp Beans
(Montrose) Traditional fall staples are being blamed for global warming in the Rockies this season. A severe spike in temperature, coinciding with opening day, has remained constant creating a fragile symbiotic eco-system for man and beast.
Liberals are reaching out while conservatives remain in denial on the controversial subject.
The problem allegedly stems from an ultra-protein diet, more specifically the foods eaten by hunters while they are out on the woods. The old saying Guns don’t kill people but camp chili does could never have been so profound. Digestive systems, often over-irrigated with beer and whiskey, are pressing the ozone, while the price of methane gas is on the rise.
“Elk sausage and camp beans are almost sacred in hunting camp,” said Elmer Spud, of Alamosa. “What are we supposed to eat out there? Lettuce sandwiches?”
Spud went on to say that a vegan menu was too radical in that very few, if any hunters adhere to that eating philosophy.
“In Alamosa we’ll take heat in any form that is offered,” he joked. “A little warmth is welcome no matter if it comes with a little backfire aroma.”
His sentiments were quickly echoed by sportsmen from Granby, Gunnison and Walden, three locales where autumn temperatures often resemble winter ones in most parts of the world.
The Colorado Division of Wildlife, a group accused of encouraging bands of armed men and women in the woods each autumn, was yesterday called on the carpet by rogue members of the Environmental Erection Agency. In early testimony the DOW plead not guilty to charges of complacency, bear abuse and honey laundering.
“You’ve got your solids, your liquids and your gas,” said a DOW spokesperson. “We can only be responsible for what we can see.”
The copyrighted audio version of this story can be downloaded on www.teamgastrointestinal.com
Labor Department Suggests Stupid Days
(Washington) A new federal program, aimed at relieving work-related stress and decreasing employee absenteeism, will be implemented by 2018 if the U.S. Department of Labor has its way.
The plan, dubbed the Stupid Agenda, calls for the assignment of five stupid days per year per employee. The plan will be tested next month at more than 200 factories and mills throughout the country and a final approach will be determined by summer.
“If I guy wakes up in the morning and he can’t get it together, he can just call in stupid,” said one human behavior analyst. “It’s like calling in sick but you don’t have to lie.”
The analyst went on to say that several industries already honor mental health days and vacation days but pointed out that these excuses leave a lot of gray area unexplored.
“Of course we expect that some employees will take advantage of the new program and take all of their stupid days in a row,” he sighed. “It will be up to the individual business to police its own shop and regulate the extension of stupid days to people who really don’t deserve them.
These guys took a string of earned stupid days off and spent their leisuret time chasing a herd of elk from Blue Mesa to Lake City. (Dolores Alegria Photo)
According to unconfirmed sources here the federal government has been engaged in a secret stupid day exchange since about 1972. In fact, most of the major decisions that have been made since then were formulated over the phone by top level officials who had called in stupid.
“It’s about time we caste off the yoke that tells us we were put on earth to labor,” explained the government spokesman. “The concept of stupid days serves as a reminder that when it really comes down to it, life is rat race or a crap shoot.”
-Dinty Moore
The mind is a dangerous place to go….
Here in the foothills of the world’s highest ranked website we pay attention to details. For example, unlike the NBA, when Red China banned the site we created a new one in Taiwan and beamed the bastards. Xiang or whatever his name is, was blown over and may never recover. The guy wears a suit like Wall Street and talks like an insurance salesman. Mao would not approve.
That was after we spent all day Saturday cleaning up after the summer nudistas at Skin Beach near Colona. Then we went and played bi-lingual sqarsh for the rest of the day. Then it snowed.
But not in pub, lads. Our dear fiends Bud and Jane stopped by the other afternoon on their way from England to Tucson. Bud “Brandy” Morrow insinuates that gout can be alleviated by the regular application of organic cherry juice with a healthy splash of vodka. I’m game.
Do the Washington Nationals have “angels in the outfield” in 2019? The team appears to be destined for greatness after a sweep of the Cardinals. Now they get to play one of the two monster teams. October will tell.
Oh that reminds me: sanjuanhorseshoe.com is not FDA approved. I have to get on that tomorrow or the next day.
Our resident reggae lyricist here has harvest tips. She suggests hurling your marijuana debris such as sticks and leaf into your hot wood fire. That way all the nearby wildlife can enjoy a good buzz and a chilled out experience. Why horde when so many others engage in that activity? (Note: Elk grow their own strain of killer weed in hidden patches all over the National Forest.)
In closing…Does anyone out there know the first three verses of the tune, Chug-A-Lug? Here’s what I have: Makes you wannaa go Hidee Ho, burns your tummy don’t you know…