All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"

Agricultor local explota viña con pasta de chile

(California Mesa) La salsa de temporada de un productor local de uvas realmente dio en el clavo llevando consigo tres acres de vides, un pequeño cobertizo de metal y algunos electrodomésticos abandonados. El personal policial local se unió a vecinos asustados esta mañana para resolver las cosas.

La explosión, en la granja de visones operada por Earl Bloodcell, se escuchó hasta Haley Draw, sacudiendo la colección de vidrio de más de 4000 piezas en una destartalada, pero reverenciada choza de barro que bordea Wingfield National Rocket Test Range. No se reportaron heridos, aunque un unicornio se lastimó ligeramente la nariz.

Tal vez solo una pizca menos de la pasta de pólvora Serrano y un poco más de cilantro, ¿eh Earl?

“Esa salsa tiene una gran patada. Se voló la parte superior de mi cobertizo de metal. Mi esposa me dijo que usara el aparato de medición, pero mi vecino dijo que podía mirar el brebaje para evitar limpiar más platos después de cocinar. ¡Eran las malditas habaneras!

Las autoridades locales culpan a los pimientos inactivos de Carolina Reaper por la explosión. Ambos son ilegales en Colorado y Utah. La cepa generalmente se tritura y se mezcla con otras verduras menos nocivas. Es ampliamente empleado como afrodisíaco tópico por las tribus espartanas en Nueva Guinea.

“No tenía la intención de violar la ley”, dijo Bloodcell. Solo usé un poco del sombrero escocés para mantener a los leones de montaña fuera de mis petunias. El resto lo alimenté con el oso para evitar que asaltaran mi alambique.

Preparado y cocinado en un nuevo ganado a través de la mezcla picante debe clasificarse como un arma.

“Técnicamente, sus salsas picantes deben clasificarse como explosivos y clasificadas en la familia de la pólvora”, dijo un caballero que llama, un agente retirado de la ATF que vive en el hueco de Bloodcell.

“Estábamos experimentando con la dilución cuando todo el lugar perdió la calma”, dijo Bloodcell. “De ahora en adelante es medio gotero a un galón de agua”.

Según SF Gate: “El grupo de chile verde incluye todos los pimientos verdes que están picantes, incluidos” Anaheim “(Capsicum annuum” Anaheim “),” Jalapeno “(Capsicum annuum” Jalapeno “) y” Cayenne “(Capsicum annuum” Cayenne ” ) Técnicamente, no hay diferencia entre un chile verde y un jalapeño. Sin embargo, muchos fanáticos del chile se están refiriendo a los pimientos grandes y suaves de Nuevo México, como “Anaheim” cuando usan el término chile verde. Estos chiles se usan para hacer chile verde y chiles enlatados. Debido a que estos chiles son tan suaves, se pueden usar en grandes cantidades en las recetas. Los jalapeños tienen más calor y a menudo se usan como condimento, en lugar de como ingrediente principal “.

A PUNCTUAL EAVESDROPPING

(The following is an opportunity to listen in on grammar where it lives, in the sentences and paragraphs of the English language. Herein you will be privy to the insider’s access as punctuation marks discuss another day on the job. Caution: Please be quiet so as not to frighten the commas or startle the semicolons.)

Comma: Crap. Can’t these people get it straight? What with these run on sentences I can’t get caught up. Don’t they know when to use a period? Back when I was in school they taught you how to construct a sentence and determine who was doing what to whom by the placement of the predicate and the action verb without concern for a lot of fluffy adjectives and dangling participles that had to be diagrammed up at the chalk board while the teacher looked on with that dangerous pointer in her hand and…

Question mark: What?

Period: Hey, comma, don’t bring periods into this. Sure, I’m on call but I don’t even put my pants on until the sentence is completed. There’s a sense of finality. At the end of the day I can see that my work has been finished.

Parenthesis: Socrates, Pericles, Xerxes…Aristophanes, Sophocles,

Oracles…Parentheses. Pretty good company, heh?

Comma: Ego…eeeze. All she does is enclose part of the sentence which might easily have been omitted. It’s not like she’s really making a difference, creating anything…but she’s attractive all right. Just look at those curves.

Period: Mindless. It could be worse. There could be two of her. Then we’re dealing with interpolation independent of the surrounding syntactical structure.

Semicolon: That sounds like a clause for alarm. Get it…clause?

Hyphen: Move out of the way. Move out of the way! I’ve got to get to the end of this line. We’ve got broken words down there. Quite a mess, you know. Move aside, gang way…

Question mark: Where?

Comma: I used to be a hyphen, before I went back to night school. I just couldn’t imagine a lifelong career linking compound words.

Period: Bush league at best.

Comma: Tedious. All that running from one line to the other just to link words that have expressed a desire to remain independent. The language is forever emerging, changing. You savvy?

Semicolon: Yes, I’ve had graduate study…How do you think that top dot got there?

Question mark: How?

Period: I thought it was a typo.

Apostrophe: Cut the proprietary whining. You guys carry far to much baggage but no real weight. I’m the one who substitutes for omitted letters and shows possessive case in nouns. One little mark in the wrong place changes everything.

Comma: Nouns…They are so self-centered, so predicated.

Semicolon: I once knew a verb who could twist herself into an adjective, then back to an adverb, before returning to her original status. Talk about tense! I could tell she was a bit irregular but when I found out she was intransitive I knew it would never work.

Period: Was she copulative?

Question mark: Who?

Semicolon: None of your business. She was in limited contexts, but finite was not in her vocabulary. I don’t know if I was in love or just eager to conjugate.

Dash: Sudden breaks! Sudden breaks? I used to be in demand. Now I’ve got to hustle work. What is this English language coming to anyway? It’s bad enough most of them can’t speak in the proper verb tense and often use the wrong word in speech. It’s downright embarrassing to watch them spell phonetically, never mind mastering another tongue…

Comma: There will always be brackets and principle clauses to take care of these kinds of people. Just be glad you’re a punctuation mark and you’re ruled by very distinct circumstances. These people who use us are still trying to figure out where to put the period…in the case of quotation marks…”

Quotation mark: “Did someone call me?”

Apostrophe: Pompous ass, talking in quotes. Before long he’ll be speaking in italic.

Parentheses: You mean like this?

Quotation mark: I just don’t get the attraction, or the slant as it were.

Exclamation point: Sentence construction at eleven o’clock! All hands on deck!

Question mark: When?

Period: Is that an indirect question? Don’t just stand there: It’s probably one of us that they want at the end of the sentence. Grab a couple of commas and a semicolon and follow me!

FULL STOP

Limpieza de playas nudistas programada para el sábado

(Blue Mesa) La limpieza anual de primavera de las playas nudistas de la región se llevará a cabo este sábado por la mañana. A las personas que deseen participar se les pide que traigan herramientas para el césped, bolsas de plástico y una buena actitud. Se proyecta que se necesitarán más de 400 voluntarios para hacer el trabajo.

 Los organizadores advierten que la limpieza debe completarse antes del Día del Trabajo para evitar perder grandes ingresos de los bañistas durante ese fin de semana de tres días.

“El tipo de nudistas rudos y listos que visitan estas costas a menudo frías buscan la soledad, la paz y un estado natural de las cosas”, dijo Syd Skinn, propietario de los Sun Screen Ventures de Syd ubicados en Chicken Bay. “Además, son muy exigentes con la limpieza y el aseo”.

 Los expertos proyectan que los bañistas desnudos gastarán más de 4.3 millones de dólares en Western Slope este verano, que es tres veces más que la suma combinada que gastaron los entusiastas de RV y los cazadores de hongos la temporada pasada.

Tonto Quits

The renowned crime fighting duo, (and local heroes) the Lone Ranger and Tonto are calling it curtains after almost a century riding together.

Tonto, the generally trusted Native American friend of the Lone Ranger, aka Masked Man, was reportedly the one who initiated the split. The famed side-kick will be leaving the team to open a national fast food franchise called Kimosabe’s, another poorly ventilated, bad pizza and beer joint.

Already saddle chatter indicates that there may be legal conflicts over the use of the name Kimosabe since it was copyrighted in the names of both of the crime fighting characters in 1940. Attorneys for the Lone Ranger did not return calls.

Meanwhile the Masked Man has vowed to march on. He is currently accepting resumes and conducting high-powered interviews in an attempt to fill the vacancy created by the buckskinned Tonto, a name which can often mean dummy or stupid in Spanish. Since Tonto is a minority, the Ranger has elected to choose a new companion/backup from a host of such groups.

“I am going to have to put a lot of thought into this,” said the Ranger. “Fans are quite used to The Lone Ranger and Tonto. You know…it has a certain ring to it. I will just have to continue the search until I find a person with the right sounding name.”

Applicants should be “submissive yet brave, attentive yet private, poker faced yet expressive,” according to the Ranger. “Flashy dressers will not be considered for the post and culinary skills are a plus.”

The dilemma is overwhelming. So far the Masked Man has come up with “The Lone Ranger and O’Leary”,  “The Lone Ranger and Moskowitz”, “The Lone Ranger and Wang”, “The Lone Ranger and Washington”, “The Lone Range and Ms. Wilkens” and “The Lone Ranger and Martinez”.

Any interested parties should email the Lone Ranger: silverandaway@hihoranch. 

-Fred Zeppelin 

Comic Pages Good For Mental Health

(Gotham City) According to a new federal study the daily digestion of the comics leads to a happier, better adjusted human being. Of the over 6,000 daily newspaper readers surveyed 65% said they read the comic pages daily. 48% said they read them first. Of that group, only three people complained of depression or said they felt displaced or disenfranchised from society.

“After digesting the front page and the editorials many people need to lighten up,” said one researcher, “and that’s where the comics page comes in. Completing the crossword puzzle, reading the horoscope, even consuming the sports pages doesn’t offer the inner peace found in reading the comic strips.”

For decades the feds have tried to manipulate the comics by sneaking propaganda and government agendas onto these pages. The attempt has failed however since federal agencies often lack a basic sense of humor essential to the common belly laugh.

“Veteran comic page readers see through all the hype,” said the source. “They’re looking for simplicity and escape. The diversity of humor found in the strips offers something for every interest and mental capacity.”

Experts liken reading the comics to soaking one’s bunions in a hot pail of water or daydreaming. Some even consider the behavior to have therapeutic value since it is not intellectually threatening. They even compare the practice to meditation or prayer.

“The comics offer a secure format with familiar characters who are usually predictable,” according to a 34,000-page report released this week. “Regular readers relate to the characters and accompanying predicaments, almost always resolved in a few frames. Perusers of the funny pages gain tranquil entertainment value without the noise and control of television or the demands of more serious reading.”

The study also implied that many people can’t tell the difference between the comics and the regular news, especially alleged TV news which is not generally meant to be comedy or even all that amusing.

“Anyone who has read the Sunday comix with a small child can verify the powerful bond that is achieved,” said one pencil pusher.

“Television is already so stupid that it doesn’t need comic relief,” continued the report that adds that boob tube addicts are one of the most hollow groups on the planet.

The cost of the study was just over $6.5 million.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Blind Moto-Raton Driver Reinstated

(Arábica, Colombia) Coffee City ha cedido después de una avalancha de apoyo público para Héctor Mancastle, el conductor ciego de moto-raton que casi perdió la vida aquí en este hermoso pueblo andino.

El mes pasado, después de las quejas de los turistas de que Mancastle no podía ver a través del parabrisas, los padres y madres de la ciudad confirmaron que Mancastle había fallado en todas las pruebas de manejo y ya no podía poseer un permiso de conducir (de hecho, ni siquiera podía ver la prueba escrita) y, por lo tanto, no podía Ya no realiza sus deberes como conductor.

“Es simple discriminación por edad”, dijo su media hermana Melba.

Mancastle tiene 95 años.

“He conducido esto aquí tuk-tuk durante 58 años y, aunque no puedo decirte su color, puedo decir que nunca golpeé nada”. – Homer Mancastle, conductor ciego.

Es como ese perro vaca frente al tren turístico que comenzó a ladrar si la cosa no se embarcaba a tiempo. Eso fue de acuerdo con su calendario canino, pero esta es una historia sobre la libertad y la supervivencia. ¿Qué se suponía que debía hacer Héctor, sentarse a la sombra cerca del hotel Arabica y mentir todo el día?

“Puede ser ciego, pero seguro que tiene una línea”, dijo un conductor más joven que a los 79 años opera hasta tres moto-ratons simultáneamente, un récord permanente en los Andes desde que se inventó el chicle.