All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"
Rasta Charter Pulled
(Telluride) The National Association of Rastamen has terminated the charter of the local Rasta tribe on the grounds of racial conflict. Historically the religion, which considers the late King Haile Selassie to have been a deity, has also been Black. In addition the philosophy that has emerged is dotted with reference to white devils and a serious distrust for Western Europeanism.
“We found out that our pseudo-tribe in Telluride were a bunch of rich white kids trying to be radical. Silly, huh? We pulled the charter. It’s cut and dry. No discussion,” he stressed.
On another matter: Sources here warn that creeping socialism seeks to level the playing field and give everyone an equal chance at success from birth. Many wealthy Americans in privileged ski environs don’t grasp the fact that they too would lose leverage and elite status resulting in a breakdown in the local pecking order and eventual chaos, even inside bubbles.
-Patty Dread
Singer Hits Big Time in Food Rock Circles
(Crashville TN) With the release of Sophia Quacksalver’s newest single “Twenty-four Hours From Salsa” we witness the emergence of yet another great singer from within the ranks of the Food Rock phenomenon. Taking its lead from the successes of Christian Rock and closely following the formula country scene, food rock is a category of music of which little was known, or heard from, until just a few years ago.
Quacksalver on stage with one of her three twin sisters in 2018.
Quacksalver’s first hit “Bad at 30,000 Feet Is Still Bad, Baby” is a frank, examination of the airline food fiasco, sold over a million copies the first week before it tailed off due to limited attention spans. Her rendition of the Spam Cook classic “That’s the Sound of the Men Working on the Food Chain” followed up in rare style outselling “Bad 30,000″” and making a place for her on the Grand Ol’ Feed Bag and a host of TV talk shows. Then in 2001 her smash recording of “Johnny Vegetable” followed up by a new CD entitled “Don’t Worry – Eat Croppie” landed her dead center stage at the produce stand.
Once a backup singer at a roller-skating rink, Quacksalver appears in public wearing her trademark chef’s hat and whites although she admits she has never been in a kitchen.
“I made a box of macaroni and cheese once,” she smiled, exposing a mouthful of teeth that resembled ancient asparagus spears. “Hell, Country Music is chucked full of drugstore cowboys who are probably scared of horses and Christian rock…well let’s just say the Good Lord helps those who learn guitar and have exaggerated hygiene.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Please be careful setting rodent traps this fall
Figure 1. A mess in the morning
It’s that time of the year where rodents are looking for a place to hang for the winter. They come in through crawl spaces, unused drains and doorways. They chew through wood enclosures and nest in insulation.
We all want to be rid of these pests before they invite all their cousins to the winter soiree. That’s where traps come in. Although not the most humane (drowning or freezing are said to be less harsh) the traps are effective. Rural residents in Western Colorado report maximum catches most mornings in November and December each year.
Figure 2. Tragedy can be averted
No one is condemning the use of this build a better technology. We just ask that you be careful of who and what you might catch. (figure 1). Sure, one could say these blue people were trespassing and got what they deserved but c’mon. They are none too bright but don’t deserve this horrible fate, akin to the guillotine in their eyes. (Figure 2)
The Make My Smurf Law is nothing more than draconian policy and should be abandoned at next opportunity. Tragedies can be averted even though everyone enjoys a good slug of peanut butter or a hunk of cheese as a midnight snack.
Imagine a young child discovering a snapped trap in the morning with a cute little Smurf drawn and quartered. What irreparable damage occurs? Will the child carry this trauma for a lifetime?
Quite candidly, we did not even realize that these Smurfs were still on the pecking order. In our ignorance we were led to believe that they were extinct or at least on the endangered list.
– Dag Katz
Call 800-MouseTrap on your Smart Phone before you engage killing device
Campaign Litter Taxing Landfills
(Montrose) Mounds of discarded campaign litter have journeyed to local landfills causing a nightmare for workers there. The litter, comprised of signs, banners, buttons and bumper stickers started arriving the day after the off-year election and, according to dump sources, has not let up.
At first it looked like the normal mini-election year but this time around there’s a different feel about it from dump workers to management. Tonnage is way up although estimates of actual gross weight delivery are difficult to determine since the new trash mixes quickly with existing, non-partisan trash.
One particularly offensive pickup load; mounds of campaign literature covered in fresh manure, green chili skins and rotting pumpkins, fertilized some imaginations here.
“We didn’t know if it were just a coincidence that the elements were traveling together or if someone was trying to make yet another political statement,” laughed one worker.
Landfill crews hope to get the situation under control here before the onslaught of Christmas garbage reaches their gates in late December.
– Pepper Salte
Beware of dawg?
This dapper fellow has decided to spend the rest of hunting season in my fenced yard in Colona. Security has never been better. He even runs off stray cats and an odd raccoon or two. (Pepper Salte Photo)
Shorter Terms For Congress on Docket
IS TWO WEEKS TOO MUCH?
(Washington) When the Congress meets again the members will be chatting about more than the coming election. They’ll be talking about campaign financing and where to get some. They’ll be arguing about foreign policy and where to get some of that too.
They’ll be talking about term limits.
Before the break it had come down to common sense (and where to get some). Define the problem: Pork barrel promises kept, and all those years to fill pretending to accomplish something while out campaigning to get elected again. Good money…good working conditions. Shake a few paws, kiss a few babies. Power.
“What about two week terms?” asked one rookie Congressman still wet behind the amendments.
“Two weeks? Wasn’t that a movie with Mickey O’Rourke or somebody?” was the response.
“It’s concise,” offered one supporter, “and it would give us more time to spend campaigning.
“Yes, I think you’ve got something there but will the public buy it?” asked a third.
“They’ve bought it so far. Just throw in a few mentions of democracy and wave the flag…maybe a brass band and free tickets to the coliseum… I mean circus…”
“Let’s put it to a vote…Aye or Nay,” said a veteran of these things. “The last thing we need is a filibuster. I’m not willing to miss dinner again. These Washington pizzas just aren’t as good as the ones back home in New Jersey.”
Finally the Speaker restates the proposal for those who have not already nodded off the sleep:
“Bill Number 48839 proposes that all Congressional Terms be limited to no more than two weeks. This will create a time period of inactivity (5 years and 50 weeks for Senators and a substantially shorter term for Representatives). Is there discussion?”
An ancient Senator is helped to the podium.
“I forget what I’m doing here,” he starts, his aide whispering the issue into his one good ear. “Oh, yes, term limitations…Will they interrupt my nap? Back when I was in the Electoral College girls and boys didn’t live in the same dorms…”
Another Congressman snaps: “This is another waste of the taxpayers’ money! I have questions for the legislators assembled here: Will there be enough time to placate the special interests in just two weeks? Will the sacred pork barrel runneth dry?”
Everyone in the body looked at each other blankly.
“Yes, and will we get a chance to ride around Washington in our Congressional limos? Can we expect to make the contacts necessary to land a lucrative lobbyist position in just two weeks? Can we hope to vote ourselves another pay raise in that time period?”
The Speaker interrupts.
“These are pertinent questions that we must answered before further pursuing a final vote,” he stressed. “But in today’s arena we cannot simply withdraw to the proverbial smoky room like before. It’s politically incorrect. The voters will think we’re backing the tobacco lobby.”
After a few minutes a vote was taken and the amendment passed. Two-week terms with long recesses and more fact-finding trips to places like Monaco and Fiji. Salaries unaffected. Retirement packages quite substantial. Power.
“I’m confidant the House will go along with this. Now if we can only convince the President to follow suit…” said one member of Congress, “we might finally a responsive government.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe