All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"

WORLD WAR I STARTED ON POOL TABLE

(Strasbourg) Some surface historians blame the First World War on the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand by Serbs in Sarajevo. Others point to the Zabern Affair in the Alsace-Lorraine, which infuriated hawks in both France and Germany. Still other social scientists insist that the massacre began due to a longtime feud between royal cousins with massive armies at their disposal. This is all poppycock. World War I was ignited by a simple game of pool.

Although little has been written and even less documented with regards to this fascinating theory, this shall in no way detour us in our quest for the final truth. What we have already found out might put the stodgier of historians into a tizzy, or worse.

Our flight to Stuttgart was uneventful and the entire entourage felt lightheaded as we deplaned amid yet another month-long harvest festival. We drove to the French frontier, stopping once to check metric tire pressure and once to freshen up.

According to locals interviewed in the German village of Lahr, in the Black Forest, the leaders of nine European countries met here in secret in January of 1914 in an attempt to iron out difficulties and avert a mortal conflict. While most of our sources are only descendants of actual eyewitnesses, they seemed honest enough and we decided to take their recollections to the bank.

After a week of cross-examination we found that villagers from Rastatt to Schaffhausen were in agreement as to how that meeting went down. Most have claimed to have at least a shirttail relative in attendance at that Strasbourg pool hall on the night in question.

Anyway, it appears that Lloyd George arrived first, ordered a Watneys and sat in the corner, that, being the British thing to do. Hungarian Premier Count Tisza, who brought along his own cue stick, fortuitously joined him. Soon Prussian boss Otto von Bismarck, Austrian Premier Count Carl Sturgkh, Chief-of-Staff Paul von Hindenburg and King Constantine of Greece made their way through the door. Then Bismarck bought a round for the house, much to the enjoyment of the curious assemblage.

Georges Clemenceau and Henri Petain were next to show up, fashionably late, yet somewhat miffed that they had missed a rare round purchased by the frugal German clique. Then, with a flair that only the Russian could muster, Czar Nicholas emerged from his royal Cossack coach, driven by miniature horses and a host of gelded Bolsheviks, captured outside the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg over the holidays. Accompanying him was his wife, Alexandra, who quickly grew bored with the milieu and beat feet for Lahr’s strip of trendy boutiques in search of cuckoo clocks and bittersweet German chocolates.

Soon everyone was seated with the noted exception of President Woodrow “League of Nations” Wilson and his military attaché, General John “Black Jack” Pershing. Somehow, during the delay Count Tisza challenged Bismarck to a friendly game of pool, which he won handily, running the table before the proud Bismarck could even choose a stick. Bismarck frowned and sat down, furious at his predicament. Several other players entered the foray at this juncture with Lloyd George soundly whipping Georges Clemenceau and Czar Nicholas destroying a brave eleventh hour bid by King Constantine.

Then, just as the tardy Americans passed through the back door something snapped. Bismarck, still peeved over his loss to the Hungarian, claimed that he had put a quarter up on the table immediately following his defeat. Petain insisted that it was his quarter and told Bismarck to sit back down and drink his beer. His tone was confrontational at best and Bismarck blew up. He charged the smaller Frenchman, punching him about the head and torso. It took three men to pull the two apart.

The Americans, who most locals feel precipitated the fracas by their less than prompt advent, attempted to negotiate a peace but it was not meant to be.

Bismarck called Tisza “an upstart, a roturier, a gypsy!” Tisza responded by accusing Bismarck of “grandstanding” and added that his King Charles Spaniel was “grossly overweight, even fat!” This brought a chorus of laughter from the French and British contingents that were now ordering Long Island Ice Teas by the pitcher and spoiling for a fight. It appears that it was at this point that the alliances surfaced which would ultimately lead to a world war.

Both Bismarck and Tisza glared angrily into the Anglo-Franco peanut gallery hanging onto the bar. Harsh words were exchanged for now it appeared that the Prussian and the Hungarian had buried the hatchet and were more offended by the ridicule now heaped upon them than by the bad blood that had only moments before passed between them.

Another swinging match ensued, this time with Czar Nicholas and von Hindenburg jumping in. Before it was ended Lloyd George was blind sided by a Hupmobile tire iron and most of the decorative glass in the place was shattered. Count Sturgkh suffered a slight concussion after a collision with a brass-serving tray while Petain lost a tooth and retreated, as would become his mode of operation, into the nearest broom closet to await the outcome.

The police arrived at about ten and arrested everyone who had the bad judgment to remain on the scene. Alexandra, who had only recently returned from her shopping trip, subsequently bailed most out of Lahr Municipal Jail. The combatants were then told to get out of town on the next train. President Wilson, setting a dangerous precedent that would not be fully understood until the end of the century, paid damages.

Meanwhile, for most of the civilized world this sad episode dictated what was to come in Europe as the leaders of the world’s greatest nations chose to sacrifice millions of lives rather than swallow their pride over a simple game of pool.

Kevin Haley, lives in Colona where he goes to bed early and hits fly balls to clumsy mule deer in his nearby pasture.  He thinks Aristotle Onassis was an Irish philosopher.

FUDD HANGS UP SPURS

(Gunnison) Hunter extraordinaire and charter member of the Tomichi Creek Sportsman’s Society, Elmer Fudd has decided to call it quits after over 40 years in the field. His familiar wool cap and compelling stance at the sound of game will live on in the memories of hunters and outdoorsmen everywhere.

“Elmer has tracked deer, stalked elk, chased bear, cornered mountain lions, ferreted pheasant, trailed sage hen, shadowed antelope, snared duck, dogged moose, smoked salmon and hunted for rabbit over his three decades in the limelight,” said long time associate and toady, Porky Pig. “Before Elmer came along people just didn’t take cartoon characters seriously even if they were armed,” he chubbed. “Today his legacy speaks for itself.”

Fudd is expected to make the announcement after an early morning rabbit shoot near Almont.

While it is difficult to believe Fudd’s claims, especially considering close relationships with ducks, coyotes, roadrunners and rabbits over the years, statistics don’t lie.

“Elmer did nothing else but hunt,” continued Pig. “He’d get up every morning and shoot something before attending speech classes. Then he’d hit the trail again after lunch hoping to catch an inattentive grouse or maybe disoriented bighorn sheep. Cartoons don’t generally work a full 40-hour week so he had lots of free time to pursue his interests.

Contacted at his home yesterday Fudd greeted us with the familiar Hewo and much to our surprise told us to pwease be quiet as he was hunting fo’ wabbit.

“Old habits are tough to break,” offered Pig. “Elmer has quit just like he said but sometimes he still hunts in his sleep. I’ve seen his legs trigger finger twitching and his little legs go round and round.”

Fudd’s retirement leaves a staggering void within the ranks of hunters statewide. Although he has reportedly hand picked his successor over 4000 hunters have applied for the position since his announcement last weekend.

Detractors suggest that Fudd is a hateful symbol of intolerance with zero empathy people with speech impediments. Supporters say its all in good fun and that political correctness and overall consciousness had different spins when Fudd first burst onto the scene in the Fifties.

“He’s passing the torch,” said Pig. “Let me tell you, he’ll be missed. That boy bled blaze orange.”

-Susie Compost

Red Mountain Enchanting as Winter Awaits its Chilly Window

Letters to The Pea Green Answer Man

Dear Pea Green Answer Man

Where did Cain get his wife?

Sara from Crawford

 

Dear Sara:

According the Genesis, after Cain slew his brother, Abel he became a fugitive and vagabond on the earth with a mark set upon him lest anyone finding him should kill him. Cain went into the land of Nod, where his wife bore him a son, and where he built a city, which he named Enoch after his son. The location of the land of Nod is not known, the Bible merely stating that is was east of Eden.   

Where did Cain get his wife? This presents a classic problem that Bible scholars have attempted to solve with more ingenuity than success. Some students suppose that Cain’s marriage occurred at a much later period than the murder of Abel, and that he married one of his sisters, or perhaps even a more distant relative. Others regard the story of Cain as a composite of several traditions relating to different men named Cain who lived at different periods.

Still others hold that, according to the Bible, Adam and Eve were not the first two persons on the earth, but the first two named persons. They maintain that the first chapter of Genesis gives the account of the general creation of human beings, while the second chapter of the same book gives the process of creation of Adam and Eve. It was then that man first became a living soul. If this theory is correct, there may have been millions of human beings on the earth when Adams and Eve were created.

– Pea Green Answer Man

 

Dear Pea Green Man:

Who coined the phrase “entangled alliances?”

George W.

Austin, TX

 

Dear George W:

This phrase is popularly attributed to George Washington. But Jefferson, not Washington, was the author. In his first inaugural address, March 4, 1801, President Jefferson said: “Peace, commerce, and honest friendship with all nations — entangling alliances with none.”

However, Washington is regarded as the author of the idea. In his Farewell Address, which was published Sept. 17, 1796, Washington said: “Why forego the advantages of so peculiar a situation? Why quit our own to stand upon foreign ground? Why, by interweaving our destiny with that of any part of Europe, entangle our peace and prosperity in the toils of European ambition, interest, humor, or caprice?”

Pea Green Answer Man

 

Dear Pea Green Answer Man:

Why doesn’t Louisiana have counties?

Diva

Ouray

 

Dear Diva:

Soon after the United States purchased Louisiana from France the legislative council of Governor Claiborne divided that part of the territory now comprising the state of Louisiana into twelve settlements called counties. These districts, which were arbitrary and not clearly defined, proved unsatisfactory for the purposes of civil government. Therefore, in 1807, the legislature of the Territory of Orleans divided the Territory into nineteen districts, which were called Parishes instead of counties because the old French and Spanish ecclesiastical districts or parishes were used as a basis for the new divisions. The name was applied to additional civil districts created after the territory was admitted as a state.

Pea Green Answer Man

 

Dear PGAM:

What causes pounding in hot-water pipes?

Greg

Montrose

 

Dear Greg:

The pounding and banging in hot water and steam pipes is called water hammer or hydraulic shock. This snapping noise is produced by moving water thrown against the sides of the pipes when hot steam comes in contact with cooler water and suddenly condenses. Water hammer may be caused by various conditions. Early in the morning when steam is suddenly turned into cold pipes water hammer is almost unavoidable. Usually, however, it is caused by some defect in the heating system, such as a radiator tipped the wrong way, by a partly closed valve, or by high pressure.

Pea Green Answer Man

 

Dear Pea Green Answer Man:

Is the art of hardening copper lost?

Lisa

Colona

 

Dear Lisa:

A popular belief exists that the Egyptians and other ancient peoples, including the Mexicans and Peruvians, knew a process of hardening copper, which is unknown to modern metallurgists. There is also a widespread notion that the United States Government has a standing offer of a large reward for the rediscovery of this so-called lost art of tempering copper. Neither belief has any foundation. The reputed hardened product is always an alloy. No specimen of pure copper has been found which had a greater degree of hardness than can be produced by hammering. Any expert metallurgist of today knows how to produce an edged tool of hardened copper as good as any made in prehistoric times, but the knowledge does him no good because of the vast superiority of the steel tools now available. Hardening is produced either by hammering and cold rolling, or by the addition of alloying elements, in which case the material cannot truly be called copper. Amateur inventors seeking the lost art of hardening copper and the government prize for its rediscovery are wasting their time, for neither ever existed.

Pea Green Answer Man

 

Dear Pea Green Man

Do porcupines shoot their quills?

Amazone

Telluride

 

Dear Amazone:

When disturbed, a porcupine thrashes about actively with its tail and if the tail comes into contact with brush or other objects the tail quills are likely to be knocked out or detached. Frequently they are scattered around to a considerable extent. Under such circumstances the flying quills might readily give the impression that they are voluntarily thrown or shot at the enemy. They are not, however, actually thrown or shot out in the sense of being discharged by a propulsive effort of the animal other than the thrashing and flicking of its tail. Quills are frequently embedded in the flesh of animals that attack porcupines. Dogs that attack these animals usually get their noses full of quills for their pains.

John Burroughs, the naturalist, says on this subject: “Touch his tail, and like a trap it springs up and strikes your hand full of quills. The tail is the active weapon of defense; with this the animal strikes. It is the outpost that delivers its fire before the citadel is reached. It is doubtless this fact that has given rise to the popular notion that the porcupine can shoot its quills, which, of course, it cannot do.”

PGAM

WHY CAN’T DOW FEED THE BEAR?

(Ouray) They feed the deer and elk when the snow’s up to their arses so why can’t the Division of Wildlife feed the black bear? Is there some secret that we civilians have not considered or has the possibility not been explored? Are they short of berries too?

Every year bear have to be destroyed when they venture into RV magic poodle lands, alleys and town garbage dumps. Hey, the bruins aren’t looking to start trouble. They don’t want to show up spiffy at your autumn barbecue to socialize. They’d rather slide in after everyone else has gone home to clean up the mess. They don’t want to rub elbows with people. They just want a snack.

Lots of snacks as it works out.

Right now bear need to put on enough weight to stop Oprah Winfrey mid-sentence. They are on deadline to add enough flab to make it through the hibernation time. Well there’s just not enough natural forage out there in the rain-choked forests. In addition, bear are curious and enjoy a trip into town in early morning and the evening.

Grub and a stroll. Now who would fault these fury monsters for that? THE TRANQUILIZER? Couldn’t the tag-happy DOW drop food a safe distance outside town sites and detour the bear before they get into trouble? We’re sure there are countless by-the-book reasons but lettuce proceed…

The other approach is to continue to take target practice on mischievous bears in trees that would probably wander back into the woods sooner or later if people would simply let them be. DOW marksmen shoot the bear with tranquilizer darts that put them to sleep and, at least in theory, do no harm to the animal.

Unfortunately the beasts didn’t read the small print. They soon nod out and fall from their perch like a bag of rocks often breaking their necks. They then have to be destroyed. All in a day’s work?

All we’re asking for here is a few dead cows, a helicopter load of apples and a handful of magic beans.

In closing, be advised that wearing bells and clanging pans to prevent contact with hungry bear in the wilds has been found to be less than effective if one is carrying aromatic foods such as trail mix or peanut butter sandwiches. The concept of puffing up and waving arms to make one appear larger than life in the event a confrontation with a bear is also of equal impact. Rule of thumb: If you want to keep your thumbs (and the rest of your hide) avoid fish-based eau de cologne and/or honey flavored shampoo when in bear country, which is most likely your own backyard.

– Rocky Flats

Ping Pong Ball Industry Faces More Lay-offs

(Denver) The already hard-pressed ping-pong ball industry has announced further lay-offs due in part to lagging sales. Experts within the multi-million dollar trade say the slow-down is a result of consumer fears.

“Every time some writer or politician mentions the word recession we lose another sale,” said Pauline Paddled of the International Brotherhood of Ping Pong Ball Workers. “I wish they’d just shut the hell up!”

Leading financiers agree that an economy based on mindless production of worthless goods can do just as well in bad times as in good times. They add that fiscal strengths and weaknesses are all relative to what the consumer believes that he has been fed. Meanwhile the gov’ment continues to urge people to buy things they don’t need just to prop up the invisible economy.

The ping pong people say that they will have to cut jobs through 2025 unless the public decides to play ball.