All Entries Tagged With: "San Juans"

College Football Hyphenated League Standings

wins and losses

Reuters-Newark 12 2

Harley-Davidson 11 5

Texas-El Paso 11 8

Rose-Hulman 10 10

Wisconsin-Oshkosh 10 10

   Tenn.-Martin 1012

Duckbill-Sterno 9 11

Missouri-Volvo 7 15

Culver-Stockton 5 15

Carson-Newman 5 15

Lenoir-Rhyne 1 12

Late scores: Ezra Brooks 21, Fahrts 14; Upper Mississippi Chiropractic 12, Whatsamatta U. 0; Simon Fraser 41, University of Downtown Delta 3; Hooterville 21, Bo Diddley 20; Ophir Barber College 28, Evelyn Wood 6; Samoa Teachers 35, Tarkio 21.

Ridgway Implements 5 mph Speed Limit

The Town of Ridgway will begin enforcing a 5-mile per hour speed limit from the hours of 4 pm to 7 pm on weekdays according to unconfirmed sources outside the post office.

Responding to safety and quality of life concerns the town council voted unanimously in favor of the measure. The area affected runs from the bottom of Ridgway Hill to the river along Highway 62. Although most residents favor the crackdown some are concerned that the decree is far too restrictive.

No one could have imagined it just a few short years ago. An almost endless line of traffic streaming down Highway 62 through Ridgway. Snarls and snarling motorists on their way home from work. Most driving the daily rounder from Montrose to Telluride in response to a shortage of motivated labor and higher wages promised in the high country.

With more cars come more problems. Years ago a traffic light was erected, then came a new bridge structure along with a slew of turn lanes. More cops have been added to the payroll. Highway 550 has been patched like the a flower sack dress.

“It was either the speed limit or a by-pass over Log Hill or Dallas Creek,” said one council member. “Right now the state bosses and the DOT are telling us that we are no longer in compliance with Colorado law since nobody else has a five mile per hour restriction. Maybe if we just ignore them they will go away.”

One faction suggests issuing summonses to any state highway official who drives through town. Radical elements within and without the government say they will construct speed bumps if the situation is not brought to heel.

“We’re the ones who have to endure the traffic, the noise. What do we get out of it?” said another resident who claims to have waited up to 20 minutes to get from the grocery to the park. “And that was in the crosswalk,” she added.

The speed limit will apply to all vehicles, bikes, horses and even tractors. It is hoped that the ordinance will dissuade motorists from using the current route and encourage them to drive home through Gateway.

– Small Mouth Bess

Now you can vote at Wal-Mart

(Montrose) Registered voters wishing to do their duty in next year’s election can simply cast their stones at the local Wal-Mart rather than wasting precious shopping time at the polls. Along with voting, citizens are reminded that they can open credit accounts, get married, have children, pay taxes and be buried here too.

It sets a convenient precedence according to sources within this mass marketing framework and “can only lead to more mindless consumption and greater profits for everyone.

“We want to help the average Joe stay very damn average,” smiled one part-time greeter who does not qualify for company benefits.

The Wal-Mart voting booth will be open for a week prior to Election Day so that citizens are not forced to change their schedules and focus on just one day. Information as to how to vote and who to vote for will be provided at the entrance. Persons who have not as yet registered can do so with their Wal-Mart credit card.

“People can easily forget that it’s Tuesday…election day. We’re doing our part for this great democracy!” whines a repetitive in-store announcement. “And after you vote don’t forget to check out the seasonal items on aisle three.”

Meanwhile down in sunny Arizona corporate militias have succeeded in apprehending some of the last ma and pa operatives in the Phoenix area. At press time there are only a few of the “unaffiliated” holdouts remaining. On the site of what was a great kosher deli is now a chain burger place. It’s the same all over the place. The city without a city has been transformed into chain land. The Phoenix has crash-landed and cannot get up.

Although the status of the former self-employed radicals was not completely clear a police spokesman said they “are being de-programmed and retrained for positions as cashiers at a chain gas stations all over the country. Persons who do not adapt to the master plan are taken to what’s left of the desert and left to fend for themselves. Some of the unlucky ones will end up pushing lead within the government.

“We’re not at liberty to talk about the situation in Arizona,” said a Wal-Mart voice. “We have a strong economy here too and it will continue to boom just as long as everyone cooperates.”

– Melvin Toole

FISH AND CHIPS CONCERN BUYS HORSESHOE

(Montrose) The Oliver Cromwell Fish and Chips chain has reportedly purchased the San Juan Horseshoe for an estimated $1800 according to a copyright story in The Pea Green Peeper The Liverpool chain, which operates outlets throughout the former British Empire, is worth a estimated 45 billion dollars, without chips and balsamic vinegar.

O.C.’s, as the company is known from Rangoon to Thunder Bay, does not plan to publish the popular newspaper after December 15. The purchase was made strictly to acquire dead file/back issues which are said to number some 4 to 5 million. They are reportedly stored in a secret passageway underneath the town of Parlin, Colorado.

According to one reporter, who has worked at the Horseshoe since its inception in 1977, the publishers have had a lot of trouble keeping delivery personnel and the number of undelivered copies “just kind of got away from us”.

The Cromwell people feel that wrapping their fish and chips in old Horseshoe issues will go over well in former colonies since the inhabitants there speak English and are often fascinated by the American West.

-Nemo Strong Rod

USFS TO PULL ASTROTURF

(Denver) The National Forests will be free of leftover, forgotten Astroturf by winter according to the official word from the Department of the Interior. In a long-awaited announcement a spokesman, at the regional office here, confirmed that the removal of the dangerous material would begin as early as next week.

Before the agency can actually tear out the synthetic grass replacement, it must shoulder the task of removing snow. Although the white stuff has been sparse so far this fall it is still a monumental task at best. Already gov’ment agents have combed the public houses in search of a labor force. Over 500 snowplows are expected by the weekend, many dropped from helicopters or acquisitioned from local peasants.

According to an official document the USFS says it has condemned forest floors in San Juan, Uncompahgre, Gunnison, Mesa and White River National Forests. Isolation of elusive Astroturf colonies in the other forests will follow.

“We wanted to begin the demolition in areas far away from the major population centers in case we foul up the works,” said Maggie Pye, a forest service officer who admittedly has not been in the woods since 1984. “I can’t get away from my desk but I get to wear the official uniform and all,” she quipped. “I even get to carry a gun to lunch.”

The action appears to be a result of a gov’ment study on the health of animals currently residing on the federal land. Since the installation of the Astroturf, knee injuries among the elk population have doubled while the lighter deer have been almost injury free under normal conditions. When it rains or snows that changes drastically.

“We’ve had more mule deer in rehab since 1985, when that carpet was added to the woodland ecology, than we had since we started counting the animals,” said Pye. “The majority of the moose suffer from knee injuries too.”

Other smaller animals, and even a black bear or two, have suffered career-ending damage as a result of the Astroturf that does not release at impact.

“Just the other morning several of us watched as a snowshoe rabbit planted his paw in an attempt to elude a mountain lion, continued the source. “Then we heard a snap…it was his little knee and the rabbit was lunch. After a few years’ exposure to the elements, the Astroturf turns to a slippery clay-like substance when it gets wet. We’ve no choice but to pull the stuff up or build a dome over the forest.”

“Sure it’s virtually maintenance free and looks great from above but it’s only a small step up from asphalt. In addition it’s inedible and the larger mammals have trouble sleeping on it. I blame the engineering department for the whole mess.”

The original expense incurred when the Astroturf was first laid came in at about $620,000. The cleanup is projected at slightly higher.

“But that takes into account inflation over the past 15 years,” said Pye. “Either way, we think it’s a good deal for the taxpayer. I just can’t wait to see the look of the bears’ faces when they wake up to real grass in the spring.”

The Astroturf tailings will be stored at the Rocky Mountain Arsenal near Golden until it goes away.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Hamburger Exports Prop Up GNP

(Washington) Larger than expected hamburger exports have not only helped increase the GNP in the third quarter but have overtaken traditional manufacturing commodities according to figures released this morning. The jump will likely help balance the trade deficits created by mindless reliance on the information age and the gradual takeover by heartless corporations intent on cornering the market on lunch.

Meanwhile in Hamburg, Germany officials warn of cheap jokes aimed at their city. They say equating the patties to their locale is insensitive and juvenile.

Response at all major gov’ment soup kitchens was positive while vegetarians, hiding in the mountains will be questioned just as soon as they are rounded up by the people’s militia.

Continued in the Hot Dog Sector