All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"
ZOMBIE REMAKE TO FEATURE ROCKIES
(Five Points) The most recent episode of the popular Curtis Park Zombies series will include cameos and some surreal scenes sure to give baseball fans the creeps. You guessed it — It’s your Colorado Rockies up to their necks in late inning horrors.
Panning the outfield as the bullpen projects lions and Christians on a giant third base screen the film takes us inside the training room after another loss. Guillotines and Sartre fight broken bats and sunflower seeds for locker space. Coaches stare. Players wander. Coolers are ripped from their mounts by super-human mutants, half alive and half dead.
Curtis Park in the 60s. “A sullen spot perfectly adaptive to black and white film.”
From there it’s a dreamy trip through expectations and disappointments from ankle injuries to head cases.
“You can’t even find a seat in the dugout with these bastards all around,” one player is heard to say during a rain delay that lasts until dawn. “There’s tobacco plug all over the steps. Can’t they spit it out onto the field like normal people?”
As tensions mount Zombies are joined by local vampires in extra innings followed by a gala fireworks show. Then everyone goes home, avoiding lonely places, dark shadows and the walking deceased in Rockies’ memorabilia.
A particularly distressing commotion ensues when the Bud Black character attempts to light a fire under his players only to burn down Coors Field. Wait! Is that another version of God Bless America playing ever so softly in the background? But this is only the third inning and…
The last Zombie team to reside in Colorado was the Denver Bears of 1920.
The premier black and white movie, Curtis Park Zombies, was shot in 1965 when the neighborhood was still home to winos and warehouses. It was meant as a nostalgic and even endearing look at zombies in the Rockies before the inevitable gentrification was still bulldozers away.
One moment worth recounting occurs immediately after the credits, that showcases the Rockies stacking their bats in surrender mode. The sad display, akin to the Waltz of the Lemmings in Rigoletto, precedes the return of crates of nearly new Louisville Sluggers to Louisville for retooling.
– Tommy Middlefinger
BLM relocates to manage land
(Bland Valley) The Bureau of Land Management has moved to Grand Junction so as to be closer to the millions of sagebrush acres that it now manages. The transfer will bring some 30 quality jobs with it plus it is expected to create several more.
“The impact will be soft and subtle but in time it will have a major affect,” said Otto Ptarmigan, executive director of executive directors for the executive director. “One of the bigger benefits will occur when the satellite jobs and support networks begin to emerge.”
The move has caught many residents unprepared. Some say they welcome the BLM as a good neighbor while others see the bureau as just another top-heavy ball of red tape sucking tax dollars as it goes its merry way.
“The idea of situating a rural/free range institution in the city when its main focus is elsewhere is ridiculous,” agreed Smiley Frouwn, of Palisades. “We can accommodate the BLM and the employees can enjoy a more relaxed, natural lifestyle.”
Some 65% of local residents polled welcomed the move while a startling 28% admitted that they had no idea how men and women driving around in pickups could manage so much as a clump of sagebrush.
“The government knows best and always has,” said an official press release. “The BLM is accountable for trees and bushes too.”
– Susie Compost
For an updated version of this story see “Woman Bites Marmot – Fined by DOW”
Police Brace for Super Moon
The first known Super Moon is slated for September 20 in front of 1800 Pennsylvania Ave. Some 7000 people will pull down their pants and aim at the White House as a sign of their distaste for “El Mentiro de La Frontera”
Catered by Capital Meats, Pressed Ham on Glass, Depends, Arlene’s Cosmetic Surgery and other elitist Washington entities the event is invitation only. Participants must be cleanly dressed, quiet and show proof of lunar ascendency.
“Vendors are welcome. Drive-by photos will not be tolerated,” compressed Wardine Culo, Executive Director for Moonlight Serenades Ltd. “No fireworks, glass or dogs will be admitted. Air cover is will only be called in if we are overrun.”
Extremists on both sides have threatened to disrupt the event, listed in the Top Ten Things to do in Washington This Week flyer. If mooner numbers are higher than Trump’s 2017 Inaugural figures a grandstand and a second shift will be added.
Anal-retentive protesters are reminded not to climb trees or attempt trespass on White House grounds during the production and when the mooning draws to a close.
Billed as The New Boxer Rebellion by media outlets in support of the Republican agenda, the Super Moon will be duplicated at each of Trump’s Casinos and golf corpses every Sunday until November of 2020.
“Mooning is socialist,” said Republican senate leaders. “It would never be tolerated in Moscow.”
In other blockbuster summer news: Yes, Jesus is coming back this summer but he’ll be staying in Canada due to gun violence in the United States. After a rally in Vancouver a two-day visit to the child holding tanks on the Mexican border will replace a previously scheduled stop at the White House.
Meanwhile many Americans still believe Richard Nixon was innocent of all counts in the Watergate Scandal of 1973, says a recent Faux Nuze poll. Of these some 21% say liberals railroaded the man, 13% don’t recognize the name and 6% think he’s still in office.
In concurrent polls: 93% of FOX viewers believe that Donald Trump (of windmill cancer fame) is Don Quixote. (82% of those pronounced the name Quicksote, had never heard of Cervantes. Of that control group more than half said La Mancha is a giant burrito at Taco Hole.)
“Jousting with those evil leftist windmills is a great diversionary tactic and the entire Trump Administration has been armed with 9-irons to do just that,” says Faux defiantly.
Then there was the blown newscast that reported ICE was defeated – They meant to say ISIS. It could happen to anyone.
And I thought The Horseshoe was stupid.
-Melvin “Breakfast Meat” Toole
Irish court delays construction of RTP compounding plant
Frank Esposito
The Irish High Court made the decision on July 30, according to an email update from Save Our Skibbereen (SOS), a local group that has opposed the plant. The decision also was reported that same day by the Southern Star newspaper.
Local zoning board An Bord Pleanala (ABP) consented to the decision. ABP had approved the project in late November. The main ground for the court’s decision, according to SOS, was that the screening by ABP for appropriate assessment was in breach of requirements laid down by the European Union’s Court of Justice in 2017.
RTP, a major global compounder, first proposed the plant for Skibbereen in late 2017. Skibbereen is a town of about 3,000 less than 10 miles from Ireland’s southern coast. The 16,000-square-foot plant would create as many as 40 new jobs.
Traffic Banned on Dirt Roads
(Ridgway) Due to complaints from new residents here all traffic will be banned from dirt roads until further notice. Citing dust as the main culprit, the petitioners, many from the freshly paved worlds of the suburbs and the cities, say they did not realize the inconveniences and potential health hazards when they purchased their property.
Parties excluded from the ban are strictly local traffic and service vehicles necessary to insure the New West lifestyle. It was not known how other citizens will adapt to the measure or how long they will be forbidden to traverse the effected by-ways. Either an ID card system or official tattoos are expected to be employed to identify the good folk from trespassers.
“You better keep an eye on that long-haired nut.”(referring to Bill McSorely’s friend and regular customer, Czech anarchist, Hipployte Havel) said a cop to McSorely, proprietor of the famous McSorely’s Old Ale House in Manhattan in 1935.
“Why?” asked Bill.
“Hell fire man, Havel’s an anarchist,” continued the cop. “He’s in favor of blowing up every bank in the city.”
“So am I,” said Bill.
