All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"

FISH AND CHIPS CONCERN BUYS HORSESHOE

(Montrose) The Oliver Cromwell Fish and Chips chain has reportedly purchased the San Juan Horseshoe for an estimated $1800 according to a copyright story in The Pea Green Peeper The Liverpool chain, which operates outlets throughout the former British Empire, is worth a estimated 45 billion dollars, without chips and balsamic vinegar.

O.C.’s, as the company is known from Rangoon to Thunder Bay, does not plan to publish the popular newspaper after December 15. The purchase was made strictly to acquire dead file/back issues which are said to number some 4 to 5 million. They are reportedly stored in a secret passageway underneath the town of Parlin, Colorado.

According to one reporter, who has worked at the Horseshoe since its inception in 1977, the publishers have had a lot of trouble keeping delivery personnel and the number of undelivered copies “just kind of got away from us”.

The Cromwell people feel that wrapping their fish and chips in old Horseshoe issues will go over well in former colonies since the inhabitants there speak English and are often fascinated by the American West.

-Nemo Strong Rod

USFS TO PULL ASTROTURF

(Denver) The National Forests will be free of leftover, forgotten Astroturf by winter according to the official word from the Department of the Interior. In a long-awaited announcement a spokesman, at the regional office here, confirmed that the removal of the dangerous material would begin as early as next week.

Before the agency can actually tear out the synthetic grass replacement, it must shoulder the task of removing snow. Although the white stuff has been sparse so far this fall it is still a monumental task at best. Already gov’ment agents have combed the public houses in search of a labor force. Over 500 snowplows are expected by the weekend, many dropped from helicopters or acquisitioned from local peasants.

According to an official document the USFS says it has condemned forest floors in San Juan, Uncompahgre, Gunnison, Mesa and White River National Forests. Isolation of elusive Astroturf colonies in the other forests will follow.

“We wanted to begin the demolition in areas far away from the major population centers in case we foul up the works,” said Maggie Pye, a forest service officer who admittedly has not been in the woods since 1984. “I can’t get away from my desk but I get to wear the official uniform and all,” she quipped. “I even get to carry a gun to lunch.”

The action appears to be a result of a gov’ment study on the health of animals currently residing on the federal land. Since the installation of the Astroturf, knee injuries among the elk population have doubled while the lighter deer have been almost injury free under normal conditions. When it rains or snows that changes drastically.

“We’ve had more mule deer in rehab since 1985, when that carpet was added to the woodland ecology, than we had since we started counting the animals,” said Pye. “The majority of the moose suffer from knee injuries too.”

Other smaller animals, and even a black bear or two, have suffered career-ending damage as a result of the Astroturf that does not release at impact.

“Just the other morning several of us watched as a snowshoe rabbit planted his paw in an attempt to elude a mountain lion, continued the source. “Then we heard a snap…it was his little knee and the rabbit was lunch. After a few years’ exposure to the elements, the Astroturf turns to a slippery clay-like substance when it gets wet. We’ve no choice but to pull the stuff up or build a dome over the forest.”

“Sure it’s virtually maintenance free and looks great from above but it’s only a small step up from asphalt. In addition it’s inedible and the larger mammals have trouble sleeping on it. I blame the engineering department for the whole mess.”

The original expense incurred when the Astroturf was first laid came in at about $620,000. The cleanup is projected at slightly higher.

“But that takes into account inflation over the past 15 years,” said Pye. “Either way, we think it’s a good deal for the taxpayer. I just can’t wait to see the look of the bears’ faces when they wake up to real grass in the spring.”

The Astroturf tailings will be stored at the Rocky Mountain Arsenal near Golden until it goes away.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Hamburger Exports Prop Up GNP

(Washington) Larger than expected hamburger exports have not only helped increase the GNP in the third quarter but have overtaken traditional manufacturing commodities according to figures released this morning. The jump will likely help balance the trade deficits created by mindless reliance on the information age and the gradual takeover by heartless corporations intent on cornering the market on lunch.

Meanwhile in Hamburg, Germany officials warn of cheap jokes aimed at their city. They say equating the patties to their locale is insensitive and juvenile.

Response at all major gov’ment soup kitchens was positive while vegetarians, hiding in the mountains will be questioned just as soon as they are rounded up by the people’s militia.

Continued in the Hot Dog Sector

December Marks Thanksgetting

A quick reminder to our reader: December begins the holy weeks of Thanksgetting when people turn from being thankful for the past to being avaricious and covetous of the future. Thank to all who have resisted this unhealthy tradition. Maybe to the confused and manipulated Christmas/Winter Solstice will be about more than fairy tales and money.

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King of vulgar words mispronounced for centuries

(Worchester-on-Tomichi) A foul expression of immeasurable significance in so many grammatical contexts, the F word has been incorrectly uttered since the Assyrians, in an attempt to draw the the enemy out from their fortified gates, taunted the Babylonians with the expletive at Tarbisu.

According to discarded idiomatic measuring vehicles unearthed near here, the word is correctly pronounced with a long U thus rhyming with clue or more closely Duke or puke. To further verify this startling account bits of pottery chards and beads from the ocean often accompany these miraculous finds that threaten to divert our attention away from what is our sacred idiomatic quest.

After the defeat and dismemberment of the Assyrian Empire in 615 BC the F word quickly assimilated into the everyday jargon, the street lingo, the downtown slang of numerous Mideast hierarchies, some of whom built rambling temples to the Great F.

But that was then and this is now.

After millenniums it’s much the same old song. The word has appeared with umlauts (two dots) above it and it has flaunted itself with the letter e at its rear end. It has broken stride with other more cooperative, yet compound sounds by inserting an h and sometimes even sneakily implanting the y sound for emphasis, thumbing its’ syntax at gerunds and misunderstood participles.

And if that’s not enough proof for you doomsayers out there: Only last month Russian dermatologists studying the layers of Mars and Saturn have discovered an ancient and forgotten code ensemble that clarifies stoic babbling and tramples superstitions. They contend that surface dust on both heavenly bodies interfaces well with the long-held misnomer that overuse of teenage skin creams made from lightly distilled, yet passable vodka can lead to redness and circles under the eyes.

Social scientists in the free world were hesitant to confront the Russians saying that it could take 5000 years for the people of the earth to begin to pronounce the F word properly again.

“This is not something that must be decided this afternoon,” said one.

-Kashmir Horseshoe