All Entries Tagged With: "San Juan Mountains"

Deadline for hibernation permits draws near

(Bland Valley) Colorado Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official State Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough and cave assignment/placement is often immediate. Applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Wildlife office to pick up the needed forms.

“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Kay Slumber, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope. “This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”

In addition to a small fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January 20.

“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled Slumber, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired and hungry but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”

-Geraldine Cod

LOW-CAL CHRISTMAS STAMPS RELEASED

(Denver) The United States Postal Service has announced plans to release some 400,000 low calorie Christmas stamps in time for the holidays. The stamps, featuring Santa Claus and other celebrated Yuletide icons, will be first-class and available at the window on December 14.

The stamps are a colorful bit of Americana, appropriate to the season and contain less than three calories. Customers who prowl the post office hallways have for long complained about health considerations when purchasing stamps. Of course, the benefits of the low-cal stamps are only apparent when one licks the back of them. A self-adhesive batch, mistakenly produced last month, are only props and will be saved for emergencies.

If the promotion is a success consumers should expect to be assaulted by a grand array of theme stamps throughout the year. Next up: Heart-shaped first-class stamps for Valentines Day and 70-cent stamps for April Fools.     

-Small Mouth Bess

Georgia Special Election Runoff To Define Senate Parameters

Current senators Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue are some real peaches past their time.

Loeffler the Carpetbagger was appointed not elected, and is not even from Georgia. She faces Rev. Raphael Warnock, who grew up in the projects of Atlanta.

Sonny Perdue, the former governor, now insider trader with egg on his face, is just another rich Republican whose family ties bought him a job. Sonny refused to debate Jon Ossoff, his Democratic opponent who destroyed him in previous contests.

We don’t suggest that Loeffler and Perdue are rotten. We just feel that they would better serve society if they would simply stay home and count their money and leave government to someone with some integrity.

Looking and listening to these two Republican throwbacks alone should convince anyone with an IQ over 200 to quit the GOP for good.

– Kashmir Horseshoe, Fallen Away Republican First Class

Our American Political Spelling Bee

Live and in color from Bethesda MD – we pick up the action…

Part One – Spelling Accuracy

Monitor: Can you spell socialism?

Mr. Opinion : Soshalizm.

Moderator: No. Wrong. Next.

Ms. Justsmile: Sewshullism.

Moderator: No.

Wildman White: Soshhhulism

Moderator: No. Incorrect.

Mr. Putin: социализм.

Moderator: Correct but in the wrong language. Disqualified.

Part Two: Define the term

Mr. Opinion: I don’t really know but it’s real bad.

Ms. Justsmile: A system where we are forced to share with the poor, eat borscht and live in gulags.

Wildman White: It’s something about Russian fur hats and machine guns in your bedroom in the middle of the night.

Mr. Putin: A paradise who workers share in the profits and embrace quality of life 365 days a year and I didn’t poison my political opponents.

Moderator: Bozos: Socialism is a political and economic theory of social organization that advocates that the means of production, distribution, and exchange should be owned or regulated by the community as a whole.

Part III Presidential Pardons on the White House Lawn

Which of the following is your favorite crime that can be attributed to fake President Donald J Trump?

a. Obstruction of Justice

b.) Lying to Federal and State government bodies

c.) Sabotaging Transition Process

d.) Cheating on Taxes

e.) Collusion with Russia – treason

CDOT Crews To Decorate Roadkill

(Gunnison) Due to a still muddy policy as to the timely removal of animal carcasses from the highways, state crews have been instructed to decorate the dead beasts for Christmas. According to a directive from top road officials the crews will “dress up the roadkill with reflecting lights and festive bulbs” until a specific policy on the matter can be determined.

At present jurisdictional conflicts have sullied the waters regarding responsibility for hauling off the carnage caused by collisions with vehicles, usually after dark. Despite a plethora of flashing signs that warn of game crossings, accidents involving herd animals and cars remain about the same as last year.

The action comes as winter knocks at the door. A spokesman for CDOT told The Horseshoe that his department didn’t want to offend visitors by leaving dead animals on the highway but that other priorities had to be considered.

“We want to establish a clear approach to the disposal of these unfortunate victims,” said Eleanor Trout, director of exterior design for the state. “Right now nobody knows where the responsibility for this unpleasant cleanup may lie. We need to examine job descriptions, masterplans and basic hygiene before formulating a solution.”

In the meantime crews will attempt to disguise the roadkill with all kinds of costumes and fanfare. One particularly innovative group near Almont has taken to placing hats and sunglasses on dead deer while an elk killed near Never Sink has been donned with ribbon, balloons, tinsel and solar-powered Christmas lights.

“To the average citizen this behavior may appear insensitive but it’s better than looking at blood and guts,” continued the spokesman. “Our hands are tied here until a specific directive comes down from the top.”

Traditionally crows and magpies have helped ease the tension by employing instinctive janitorial methods while scavengers such as coyotes and developers have also done their part.

“The birds are our best allies but how much can we expect them to do?” asked Trout. “They are small and deer and elk are big. According to our research it takes three weeks for nine crows to eat a deer and over a month for them to consume and elk. Sure, it’s all natural enough but in these days of air-conditioned cars, designer cows and hermetically sealed suburbs it looks shoddy at best.”

While most regional road crews have embraced the idea of decorating the roadkill others have shunned the concept preferring to engage in asphalt patching and mowing operations. In one case crews left a dead mule deer to rot for days while painting guardrails and manicuring shoulders.

“These guys work hard on the highways. Some may be in denial when it comes to removing roadkill but for the most part they are cooperative and do a good job,”added Trout. “After all we’ve built miles and miles of deer fence for these animals and they should shoulder part of the blame”

Officials in Denver say the matter will be resolved just as soon as they return from vacation. – Kashmir Horseshoe

“We don’t have twelve years’ experience in Vietnam. We have one year’s experience twelve times over.”

– John Paul Vann, who died in a helicopter crash near Kon Tum, Vietnam in 1972.

Popular Wiggles and Giggles Program Cancelled

It’s downright difficult to determine if people are laughing when they are wearing masks and standing six feet away BUT our team has doubled down and doubled over. We will likely expand and  relocate our alpine exercise program (morning walks) to virtual status allowing the conjunction of good hygiene and supposed safety. Along with impressive readership figures maintained (chronic boredom?) since the beginning of our current health predicament we have achieved stability and marginal greatness just like your elected officials. Many of our participants have lost up to 200 pounds since March! See your skinny ass on-line.

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” –  Matthew 19:23-26