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Cruz would seize Ottawa by February
(Houston-on-Gulf Fantasy Land Press – November 1, 2016)
Early action on the part of fantasy league President Ted Cruz will be the seizure of the Canadian capital at Ottawa, it was disclosed today. The military conquest of Canada, which would begin with the carpet-bombing of Ontario, would soon result in quick capitulation, according to aides loyal to Cruz.
The three-pronged assault, top secret until yesterday, would feature nautical landings on Lake Erie and Huron; tank advances into the Rockies and a frontal attack across the St Lawrence River Valley. Tagged Operation Barbarella, the blitzkrieg would result in a Canada on her knees eager to capitulate.
The meganation, just to the north of the United States, became a target priority due to the rise of liberal-communist government and its desire to legalize marijuana in 2017. That status is particularly aggravated by reluctance on the part of the new government to crack down on socialism and atheists.
It is also one of the few countries that Cruz supporters could successfully locate on a world map.
Since Canada is the birthplace of this great evangelical marvel, the inevitable comparison with the Anschuss with Austria has evolved. In 1938 Adolf Hitler grabbed his birthplace of Austria, annexing it to Germany. Many historians add that Cruz will employ the same snake oil used by Hitler when the artillery assault begins.
Afterwards, Canada would be stripped of all resources, mined, fracked, harvested, plowed and blacktopped by corporate deacon crews. The extreme northern reaches are to be sold off to Russia, all treaties with native peoples rescinded, Canadian bacon would be genetically modified, all beer brewed above the former international border would be watered down. Hockey would be banned on Sundays as a punitive measure.
The detailed blueprint for this confiscation is painfully chronicled in a tight, minute-to-minute fashion. More churches and prisons would be built in the ashes while schools and Planned Parenthood clinics would be torched along with libraries.
French populations in Quebec would be deported to make room for arriving Evangelical farmers from the U.S. Wall Street tycoon and wife of Ted, Heidi Cruz would oversee the banking system until it could be systematically strangled and finally terminated in 2018.
Meanwhile voices from the rich Canadian yolk cry out. “How could he do this to us? We were so good to him.”
“The Sudetenland…er I mean Alberta, would provide us with the breadbasket necessary to impose our will on the rest of humanity,” said Cruz from a shrimp boat in Houston. “I will personally arrest this Communist President Thoreau or whatever his name is, and settle the godless frolic that is today’s Canada!”
“Soon Canada would assimilate and become part of the greater nation giving us 61 states which has been clearly foretold in scripture. (Ted Verse 45: 22-27) “Never let an opportunity pass before thee. They are the blind children of lies and follies and will always run to the rabbit hole when danger lingers. Be that rabbit hole.”
Cruz did not coment on a rumor moving the capital to Winnipeg so it can be easily defended in the event of a nuclear strike.
– Susie Compost
BOOOOOOO….
Othello back on stage as Un Capitano Moro? Or is it our Crested Butte friend getting ready to scare hell out of someone? Only the Shadow knows.
All Hallows Eve greetings to all.
Gunnison encourages residents, visitors to ramp up pot use
(Tomichi-on-Thames — Oct 29, 2016)
In a radical departure from previous policies the City of Gunnison is actively encouraging citizens, tourists and college students here to “smoke more pot”. The gesture, denied by cold-footed bureaucrats here, is seen as a blatant attempt to keep all of the town’s marijuana dispensaries in business, at least until the end of the tax year.
As of late last night Gunnison currently licensed eight dispensaries in a community of roughly 6000. In addition Western State enrollment is almost 2800. That’s one dispensary for every 11,000 inhabitants. These statistics carry with them some heavy responsibility.
Civic liters, once hesitant to issue even one license for fear it would “send the wrong message to our children” now features what many see as a multitude of pot shops within the city limits. Whether or not the decision to allow so many marijuana businesses has anything to do with the fees collected from licenses was not known when this story was published.
High profile communities as far way as Humboldt State in California have registered shock at the development. College towns in states where pot is legal were supportive of Gunnison’s attempts to negotiate the confusion related the new industry.
“Sure we want to see all of the dispensaries flourish,” said one unconfirmed source at the city. “Unlike our track record with juicers we have not had any two-in-the-morning incidents with the potheads. It’s all legal plus the cash is good.”
– by Pepper Salte
Next time: Is the marijuana glut threat to Colorado lifestyle?
Bears Bully Pizza Drivers
(Gunnison, CO Autumn Leaves and Back Alley Burglars October 27, 2016 )
Local black bears, zoning in on retirement, or seasonal hibernation as it is commonly known, have stepped up activities aimed at separating pizzas from pizza delivery personnel here.
Although the mobile pie pilots are in no real danger from the hungry, usually docile bruins, there is some cause for alarm since pizza production makes up over 45% of the region’s local gross national product.
The local gov’ment is particularly sensitive to the heists as well. Any bureaucrat knows full well that public loss of faith in the ability to protect its citizens is paramount to the present perception that the entity is necessary in the first place.
Bears don’t vote while many people do. That pretty well decides the priorities.
Police have stepped up patrols in areas known to be frequented by bear. A plan to deputize and arm pizza dispensers was voted down in council chambers last night after a pizza ordered by legislators arrived half eaten (box and all) and two hours late.
This week alone some 25 pizza delivery technicians have been accosted with perishable losses alone estimated at well over $300. In addition the grillwork on a brand new Land Rover (nice pizza wagon, dude) was kicked in, a few windshields broken and some tires were slashed.
“Generally the bear have no plan of attack, they just do whatever comes to mind,” said Evelyn Marmotbreath, Executive Director of Fully Extended Extension Services for Gunnison and Saguache Counties.
“Once they get a whiff of a sausage and mushroom (pizza) they have little control. A pepperoni and green pepper drives them nuts. Delivery people should at least be aware of the potential powder keg they are hauling around town.”
Marmotbreath verified that only the hungriest bear will risk it all for a cheese pizza and that most don’t like anchovies.
Fortunately most bear are loners and cooperation in crimes like this is rare. Gang activity, however, has been detected in the suburbs where bear often work together gorging themselves on stolen pizzas and selling the rest to buy drugs like honey, termites, assorted berries and boxes of Sugar Crisps.
“These are the desperate ones,” stressed the director. “Often they come from broken homes and see their gang association as a substitute for the den. Attempts to resist when confronted by this element are ridiculous, especially when one considers the wages paid within the profession.”
Many resourceful delivery people have begun carrying baskets of berries and mounds of garbage around with them so as to distract the bear and make the delivery unscathed. Although this works in many cases bear have been known to hold the pizza man hostage at arm’s length, while consuming the berries and garbage. Then, when the appetizers have been fully munched they turn to the real prize, still hot from the oven.
“People must remember that these animals mean business,” continued Marmotbreath. “Attempts to reason with them or engage in physical combat could be fatal.”
Unless the situation improves by November, when bear are particularly haywire, door-to-door food distribution may be suspended until the bruins fall asleep for the winter.
Another more risky alternative would be to hire the bear to deliver the pizzas.
“That’s absurd,” said Marmotbreath. “They cannot be trusted nor can they make change. Imagine a hungry bear taking off with four or five large pies. He’s make it to the end of the alley then sit down and quietly inhale his cargo. Besides,” she quipped, “we have enough under-employment around here to introduce animals into the work force.”
Pizza parlors finishing nearest the top in the recent Best of Gunnison voting have been hit the hardest as bear tend to prefer real pizza produced by locally owned establishments and reject the cardboard fare of chain restaurants.
“Hey, any bear that can add twenty or thirty pounds on berries can damn well tell a good pizza from a marginal one,” said Marmotbreath. “The key here is caution. We can always make more pizzas but a good employee is hard to find.”
– Susie Compost
“Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.”
– Oscar Wilde
