All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"

OBAMA GETS LAST LAUGH

With his days in office dwindling, President Barack Obama hosted a rare press conference this morning “to put things in perspective.”

In a jousting mood, the Chief Executive told reporters that he got a good laugh when senselessly attacked by dumb throwbacks in the House of Representatives who accused him of being an alien and the anti-Christ.

“It’s partially true…I have no U.S. birth certificate because I was not born here nor have I ever even bothered to become a citizen of this country. However I have been the President of your country for the past eight years. Who has been caught with his pants down here?”

Obama stressed that he had not seized any guns, appointed any Black Supreme Court justices or started any new wars since ascending to the Presidency. He admitted that he had successfully pulled the wool over the eyes of the voters:

“I am a Communist Muslim Anarchist Maoist and member in good standing of the Black Panther Party,” said the President. “There…now are you happy?”

In a related development the Obama family will paint the White House over the holidays prior to vacating the premises. Insiders say the family is leaning toward a mauve/chocolate with rainbow trim. An administration spokesperson was quick to add that nothing in a final color scheme had been decided.

Rumor # 611: Obama will not surrender the Presidency. Instead he is creating a radical urban dictatorship based on jazz and basketball. Plans for a system of liberal, solar re-education camps for throwbacks – in Kenya –  is already in the works. We all know he has been speaking to school children in quasi-commie code: Manx sounds like Marx to me. Finally, his administration is planning a commie coup but waiting until his last full week in office to put the plan into action. The coup is supported by Vladimir Putin, Miles Davis and the Hong Kong Five, with Dennis Rodman starring as the ghost of Imelda Marcos..

FALL TV PROGRAMS STIMULATING

(New York) Here are some of the more imaginative television shows for fall with a short synopsis of the first episode.

ALL THE TEA IN CHINA – A 3-year-old computer hack isolates a secret code, breaks into Pentagon memory banks and orders the bombing of Shanghai cablevision installations despite a weekend ban on campfires.
COOKING WITH LITIGATION – The pilot program traces the 1997 nightmare caused by giant mushrooms clogging Slumgullion Pass while anti-fungal crews risked everything to return to the status quo. When Zen prosecutors arrive on the scene aspen trees turn to celery sticks and marsh wasp impersonators promise the moon. Justice is served on a steaming bed of rice.
GREAT CITIES OF AMERICA – The first show chronicles the nightlife to be found in Columbus, Ohio.
JUST US HUMUS – Jim Bob tries to convince Lucinda to go out with him even though he’s been transformed into a glass of ice tea. Junior is in jail again but his pickup is running. Love scenes are pushing the limit on sugar and lemon.
WHAM-SLAM-BAM – Can pagan babies make it in the NBA? Find out yourself as one jiveless ex-Welfare family embraces capitalism in size 20 sneakers. Exclusively on The Pagan Baby Network. Sponsored by Nun Block Salve.
THE SPANDEX MYSTERY THEATER – RVs full to the brim with seeping garbage are shot into space just as Cynthia hears from Rob and Dave sleeps with Josephine. Arlo’s See-Thru Fashion line gets the nix in the Garment District and the price of vermouth skyrockets.
HILLBILLY HEAVEN – Transient Frog Boy antics upset second-home owners near Telluride. Joe’s nuclear cell phone ends up at the bottom of an abandoned Marshal Basin mine shaft with Joe stuck to it. The cops will have to investigate.
ARIZONA’S FUNNIEST BATHROOM VIDEOS – Veronica enjoys her 80th birthday having survived a bubble bath while her worthless off-spring attempts to siphon off champagne. Nice desert sunsets break up the suspense. The social flow is soon interrupted by a visit from the always thirsty Brian the Geek with the afternoon racing form.
SAN JUAN SAGAS – In a vain attempt to preserve the Needles Rain Forest Alferd Packer returns to his old haunts and eats the Ouray-Silverton Truck Driving Academy for lunch.

HUNTERS TAKE 7,000-POUND ELK

(California Mesa  Bigger is Best News  November 25, 2016)

Texas hunters today nailed what is probably the largest bull elk ever seen around these parts. Weighing in at just over 7,000 pounds the wapiti charged right into the record books outpacing all former competitors. His status as deceased will not create a negative impact on the accolade.

Biologists circulating the region suggest that the giant elk may have wandered over the plateau from the Twin Cities (Nucla and Naturita) after feasting on tailings from uranium days.

“Sometimes exposure to radium has adverse effects on wildlife, as well as humans, said one biologist. “Those boys (the hunters) won’t be hungry for a long time.”

It was later learned that the hunters would keep the trophy rack and donate the meat to a local cafe.

“Tis an old maxim in the schools, that flattery’s the food of fools. Yet now and then your men of wit, will condescend and take a bit.”
– Jonathan Swift in Cadenus and Vanessa

Earwigs, Boxelders Say Thanks

(Ouray, CO  Don’t Bug Me Press  November 24, 2016)

Local earwigs and boxelder bugs say thanks for another great season. Both species claim record growth despite the dry weather of the early summer.
Late rains saved what might have been a disaster for both species. The resurgence of activity in August alone topped last years’ numbers and sets a positive precedence.

Most say they are already looking forward to spring.

The crawling insects are currently preparing to go back down into the ground where they will spend the winter months. Although often quite tedious at times, the teetering relationship between human and insect continues to spew a live and let live attitude.

Local fruit bats, tired of a constant diet of mosquitoes, have announced plans to sponsor a going away dinner for the bugs. The exact date and time were not disclosed as the flying predators want it to be a surprise.

-Syd Fardt

“Next to a circus there ain’t nothin’ that packs up and tears out quicker than the Christmas spirit.”     – Ken Hubbard

And don’t be late either!

Infomercial by Jeff Brown, Real Alaska Magazine

The Tarzan and Jane Dialogues

Brought to you in living black and white by O’Hara’s Foot Powder. Ask for it by name at your friendly kapellmeister.

The scene: The Cleavers house at the dinner table

Jane: Don’t be such a stuffed shirt, Tarzan. You haven’t seen Ward Cleaver since the war.
Tarzan: Not like Ward. Him know-it-all.
Jane: Ssssh. Here they come now. Hello June. Hello Ward. Hello boys. My the boys are getting bigger everyday.
Wally: A miracle of modern biology.
June: Now Wally that’s no way to speak at the table.
Ward: I always say, the manners learned at the dinner table will dictate the kind of man…
Wally: Shut up, Ward.
Tarzan: This wildebeast tough, June. How long dead?
Jane: Tarzan! I’m surprised at you. It’s not wildebeest. It’s fried marmot.
June: Oh, that’s OK, Jane. I may have mixed up the zip-lock packages from the freezer. It does have that wildebeest texture…Hmmm, but the package clearly said marmot…
Beaver: Someday I hope to be the curator of paleontology here at the community college.
Ward: Good boy, Beaver. That’s the stuff! I always say, dinner etiquette formulates later behavior patters. Why, even if a young man eats nothing but humus he can still open a can of tuna or grill a biscuit.
Wally: Kiss off, Ward.
June: Wally…
Tarzan: Wally OK, June. I used to have same problem with Cheetah until I borrow cattle prod from Ubangis.
Ward: Beaver! Get a shirt on! What’s the matter with you!
Beaver: Tarzan’s not wearing a shirt.
June: But, dear that’s part of his costume.
Wally: Yeah, Beave, like Donald Duck not wearing pants.
Ward: So, Tarzan, are you on line yet?
Tarzan: On lion?
June: Oh, Ward, don’t be silly. We’ve seen all of your films, Tarzan. I particularly liked the one where the locals were chasing Jane and you called out the elephants. All that testosterone! Do apes really ride ostriches?
Wally: What a geek. Ask her about her two-piece loincloth. Pretty risqué for the Forties, wouldn’t you say?
Beaver: Thanks for dinner, mom. Can I go over to Whitey’s and read dirty magazines?
June: Yes, dear, just so long as you’ve finished your homework.
Ward: Excuse yourself, son.
Wally: He’s trying to, dad.
June: Now Wally…remember your manners.
Ward: Yes, Wally, table manners have everything to do with…
Wally: Shove it, Ward.
Ward: Well, Tarzan, let’s retire to my study and smoke cigars.
Tarzan: Not politically correct to smoke. Not politically correct to depict women as servants and domestic support entities…
Ward: Say what? This is the Fifties. It’s OK. It’s even expected.
Wally: Great humus, mom. I’m going over to Lumpy’s and shoot heroin.
June: Be home early, Wally. It’s a school night.

THE END