DISPUTE WITH SWISS COULD COST OURAY

(Red Mountain Pass) The Swiss government today filed suit against the town of Ouray over a series of alleged copyright violations. The action focuses on the continued use of the slogan Switzerland of America and a web address domain that the Europeans insist have been previously registered.

     Attorneys for the town of Ouray have been rather candid in response saying that Ouray should settle out of a quart before the Swiss start pulling out their little red army knives. They suggest that the Colorado town offer Switzerland several smaller peaks, free tickets to Box Canyon and a player to be named later.

     More on this if it develops.

Pentagon to Release Cartoon Show

(Arlington, VA) What ever happened to the refined violence common to Sylvester the Cat and Tweety Pie? Wasn’t the punch of Mighty Mouse enough to inspire primitive instincts in children? Apparently not.

This morning the Pentagon, frustrated over what members say is “no more than animated Congressional grandstanding,” has announced the completion of its first cartoon pilot entitled Bazooka Joe and Friends. It will air this weekend.

The cartoon, which features military tactics that might impress the likes of Napoleon, is the brainchild of General Worthington Bulbous, the 300-pound war horse/illustrator who has given himself so many battlefield commendations (right there from his desk drawer) that he can barely stand. He even wears the medals to bed. Aides say its the shear weight of his accomplishments, and not the Old Forester from the night before, that causes him to be so difficult in the morning. Either way, the man has enough brass to construct a suspension bridge across the Potomac.

The cartoon cast, all of them volunteers, reside in the endless system of Pentagon tunnels attempting to evade the alien oil creatures from the planet Opaque, who seek to pacify them. If the story line isn’t original the level of violence certainly is, leading to concerns on the part of parents and teachers that the show is destructive.

“Bazooka Joe sends the wrong message to our kids,” said Patsy Paste-Smith, a principal at Lee Harvey Oswald Junior High, in suburban Virginia. These cartoons are far too life-like and far to itchy to pull the nuclear trigger.”

Sources at the Pentagon defend the program in that it may work well as a recruiting tool and gives the military a safe place to test weaponry.

“Bazooka Joe is the perfect recruiter,” said Bulbous. “Just watch his tear-jerking plea convincing the other cartoons to get up and fight! We want to educate the kids as to the advantages of war while they’re still young enough to enjoy it in its purist form. Explosions, dematerializing and capitulation to fire power are part of their sacred legacy here in these United States,” said the general.

A stunning cameo, by Uncle Scam himself, will highlight the first episode while the inventive neutron bomb ring and decoder will be featured down the road.

All profits from the broadcast will be used to paint the Pentagon camouflage as a defense against the imagined incursions of guerrillas operating out of the Zoological Gardens somewhere north or south of here.

-Suzie Compost

One last glimpse….

The colors of autumn gold are gone in the high country, making way for cold, crisp blue winter skies and green pines all dressed up in a heavy blanket of white snow.

Ridgway Moving Sidewalk Repaired

(Pleasant Valley) Ridgway’s state-of-the-art horizontal tongue-and-groove escalator is again back up and running according to transportation engineers on the spot. The contraption had caught fire and sustained water damage as well as severe floor burns during an overtime basketball game between Ridgway and Ouray in 1964.

“We’ve been waiting for parts,” said Ted Yoder, inventor of the sidewalk who relocated to the Uncompahgre Valley from Vermont some 42 years ago. “They have to come all the way from Grand Junction.”

A boon to joggers, the moving sidewalk is expected to entice over 400,000 tourists to the town in 2018 alone. Built solely of ponderosa pine, the sidewalk runs in a circle from the Mentone Hotel to Cow Creek Hall and back. Funds for the repair came from a car wash held at the top Imogene Pass every September 9.

At the time of construction it was perceived that the sidewalk would put off the inevitability of traffic signals in the environs of the town.

– Jolly Pena

BRONCOS GET HELP ON OFFENSIVE LINE

(Denver) The Denver Broncos today signed veteran right tackle Walter Buffalo to a series of one-year contracts with stunted yet lucrative incentives. Saying that the team had been hard pressed to find a healthy human to do the job, a spokesman for the player personnel office assured fans that Walter was capable of performing at NFL levels.

“He didn’t play a down of high school ball because he didn’t go to high school,” said Anwar Tripuka. “His college career, as a “Colorado” Buffalo, was cut short because of grades and conflicting dietary plateaus at Boulder.”

Ed, as his teammates call him, is somewhat concerned about playing on astroturf which he feels is a dangerous waste of talent. Unlike most NFL defenses he is currently having a problem with the Broncos’ intricate offensive scheme.

“At first nobody wanted to room with him on the road because of…uh…the hair and all,” said Tripuka, “but his stunning personality has won out over any negative considerations at play.”

Walter is the first resident of the Southeast Asia to suit up in the professional ranks. His ability, marred to a certain extent because of social mores, seems to be highlighting itself at the end of each practice where he is clearly searching for spiritual meaning in playbooks and challenging running backs at the line of scrimmage.

Rocky Flats

EUROTRASH NEWS

Our man Toole has recently returned from Europe after a month long holiday. He files this report:

French Oysters Bred With Pull Tabs

(Kinsale, Republic of Ireland) A way out across the Celtic Sea Frenchmen are making it easier to eat shellfish. According to a piece in The Cork Examiner they’re doing it by breeding a new, more resilient oyster which is larger and comes with a handy pull tab.

For centuries humans have struggled opening oysters, a highly edible bivalve mollusk, before devouring the delicacy. Rubber gloves, blades and bandages have all been part of the salty entourage. Now, thanks to notable French chefs, these days appear to be ending.

“Although my sensibilities are rubbed the wrong way I suppose there’s nothing to do now but grab some baguettes and horseradish sauce,” said Gilles Clamette, author of A Duck Is Not A Pigeon and hundreds of other gourmet cooking anthologies.

Although the impact of these developments is expected to be significant, the story has appeared only in Irish newspapers, which are considered the final source on murky maritime matters in Northern Europe.

“It’s not like an Irishman to twist the truth, or embellish an important breakthrough with deceptive or wheedling statements,” said Clamette. “Besides, just how far can rational mankind stretch an oyster.”

ITALY ON CRASH DIET

(Naples) The Italian government continues to encourage its people to diet so as to overcome the perception that many Italians are obsessed with food. Since 1990, leaders in Rome have been praising healthy eating habits and applauding the practice of eating light.

A government endorsed light luncheon would be comprised of a Caesar salad, a bowl of minestrone, steamed clams, sardines, antipasto, formaggio (cheeses) bread in olive oil, frito misto (a mixed grill of seafood or liver, artichokes and cauliflower), scallopine al marsala and pollo al cacciatora over a bed of spaghetti or vermicelli. Of course a bottle of wine or two is traditional, as is a helping of neopolitan ice cream and fruit followed by a cup of espresso.

“If people would simply embrace the concept of eating light they would soon reap a veritable cornucopia of benefits,” said a government decree. “We not asking anyone to starve himself here.”

IRISH PUBS TO STAY OPEN LATER

(County Sligo) Irish pubs will remain open later than the legal time next year thanks to a government finding that no one pays attention to the law anyway. The pubs, center of social life in this culture are, by law, to be opened at 10 am and closed at 11:30 pm. The new regulation allows for an extra hour of operation.

“What a relief, said a barman at Hargadon Brothers on O’Connell Street. “Now we won’t have to wind the clock.”

An independent study recently concluded that it is quite rare to find a pub that ever closed at the prescribed time anyway. In some cases the doors were locked at around midnight with the patrons stuck to their stools, suspended in time, but even that was unlikely.

What are the gardai going to do, shut us down?” asked a publican at McLaughlin’s over on Market Street “Mind you, how would they buy a pint when they’re off duty?”

Euros Upsetting Goats

(Healy Pass, County Cork)) Wherever one goes in Ireland he is bound to run into Angora goats. They’re everywhere, standing out with their long hair and curious punk-like brands. Before the Euro began replacing the Irish pound as the acceptable means of currency these animals were quite docile, happy to send their days grazing in the green rolling hills or the sparsely vegetated cliffs of their homeland.

Now all that has changed.

“They just can’t get the hang of it,” said Dan O’Sullivan, a sheepman from nearby Castletownbere. “It was tough enough on the poor creatures when all those French arrived with their francs, then the Germans with their marks and the Brits with their sterling. Later the Americans showed up with their dollars. My sheep, God bless ’em, didn’t have a clue as to exchange rates and the like,” he explained. “Then they bring on this Euro currency, supposed to unite the European community and all…What it’s done is put my flock into outer space, fiscally speaking.”

O’Sullivan went on to say that he now spends hours upon hours helping his charges adjust to the new currency.

“I just want to make sure they don’t get ripped off, especially with winter coming on and all the tourists about.”

Russian Leaders Constipated

(Moscow) Decades after Glasnost many former Communist leaders remain constipated, according to reports circulating Red Square. Despite efforts on the part of many world health organizations the situation has become chronic and could affect world peace in the future.

Blamed in part on diet, or the lack of such, the monumental problem rears its head from St. Petersburg to the Caucasus. Russian experts fear that a constipated Politburo member, or Potato Head as detractors lovingly call them, is more apt to be cranky and lethargic.

     Historically, when Russian leaders fall into this state, they are more difficult to budge when it comes to changes to a free market economy and in negotiations with the West.

     Doctors prescribe more fruit and vegetables and less sausage and vodka.