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CHRISTMAS SHOPPING FOR WINOS
A hardly sensitive guide to buying for these special people
The holiday season places a heavy burden on our scarce organizational resources. The simple task of evaluating holiday invitations and culling those that do not seem to involve free alcohol, coupled with the tragic choices presented when more than one well-oiled affair will occur simultaneously, is quite enough to drive one to the local for a splash or two of respite.
No task, however, so beleaguers one as the daunting prospect of gift shopping for that special wino that we all seem to have on our holiday gift list. Of course we know exactly what type of gift will scream “open me first” on that magic morning. We so hope however to do more. We hope to enrich the life our wino friend without encumbering his or her enviable lifestyle. This modest guide is intended to assist in the difficult process of shopping for the person who needs nothing.
Start by eliminating those many popular gifts for which a wino has no use. A clock radio is a good example. In fact anything that needs to be plugged in is right out. Very few bridges have outlets underneath them. Cologne or after-shave may seem to be an appropriate gift, however, mixing perfume with a wino’s natural odors may induce vomiting and if they read the label and discover the alcohol content they will invariably drink it which will also induce vomiting and perhaps blindness since it is the wrong type of alcohol. Also forget about any item that can be easily pawned.
The obvious result is that your wino friend will only realize the discounted value of the gift while some pawnbroker will receive the lion’s share of value. A cash gift is often appropriate, but too large of a cash gift will inexorably inure to the benefit of those who prey on winos and or be squandered immediately in an unholy binge benefiting merchants and other winos more than the object of your generosity. Anything not easily carried will be of little use to the wino. Few winos have access to any kind of reliable storage, and once out of sight the item will most likely be forgotten and abandoned.
Anything that would be highly coveted by other street people such as gang members is not a wise gift. Gold chains, boom-boxes, Air-Jordans and Raiders jackets are bad, even dangerous gifts for winos. A little bit of common sense will save you the needless embarrassment and wasted expenditure for a gift that will do your favorite wino very little good.
Now, how to find out what your wino friend wants and needs. An obvious approach is to consider the subject while buying a drink for your wino friend. Examine his or her costume for items that obviously need replacement.
Keep in mind that many winos become irrationally attached to certain items of clothing and you should determine if that is the case by pointing out the item and asking them how they feel about it. If they don’t tell you a long and incomprehensible story about it they probably don’t care. Pay special attention during those quiet moments when your wino friend goes into soliloquy. Many winos reveal their deepest wants and needs while talking to themselves.
Even if delirious, your wino friend can often point you in the right direction. Bartenders are also a valuable resource in your quest for the appropriate gift. Not only are bartenders quite likely to have overheard the monologues and conversations of your wino friend, but long hours of interaction and one-to-one contacts while breaking up fights or when extending invitations to vacate premises provide bartenders with revealing information about winos.
Another good source of information is the liquor store where your wino friend’s social security disability check is mailed.
These good merchants can not only tell you what kind of liquid refreshment your wino friend favors, but can also inform you based on their frequent contacts and conversations with your wino friend. Winos often reveal their fondest and innermost desires to liquor store clerks, since they always feel safe and at home in their favorite liquor store.
Finally, you can talk to the local constables who often know your wino friend quite well. While such public servants can often be insensitive and crass with their opinions of what your friend might need, they can just as well be quite insightful and are therefore worthy of your inquiries.
When executing your holiday purchases for winos be practical. Very few winos are the type of snobs who examine boxes and labels for prestigious stores and brand names. Army surplus merchandise is often not only the most economical choice, but from a practical standpoint, is often of appropriate quality so as not to make your wino friend feel out of place when interacting with colleagues. Items that can be hosed off rather than laundered are always much more convenient for winos. Dry cleaning is not a practical requirement for wino attire. Do not get hung up on tradition.
It is neither necessary to wrap gifts to winos, nor is it reasonable to expect them to not open till Christmas. Winos live in the here and now. If an item is of use to them they need it now. Liquid gifts should also be practical. Most of the favored wino refreshments (fortified wines, cheap rum and malt liquor) are available in plastic 1/2 pints, pints and quarts.
Larger bottles are impractical (except in the case of malt liquor which is consumed on the spot), and may even injure your wino friend during falls. Plastic bottles also eliminate the heartbreak that can occur when a valued gift is lost through breakage. Gifts of food should not require special opening appliances, like can openers, which may be unavailable and or may injure your wino friend. Food gifts should also be very rich in protein, fat and calories since food is a rare treat for many winos and should be as nourishing as possible.
In summary, gift shopping for winos can be a rewarding experience, both for you and the wino. Don’t worry about making a mistake since winos rarely remember where they got things anyway. The warmth and good cheer of the holiday season is always enhanced when you feel you have done something to help your good friends. Most importantly, sit (or fall) down and enjoy a drink with your wino friends who always provide a cheerful perspective on life since they quite simply know what is important and how to have a good time.
– Dwin “King” Hevaway
“There’s no money in feeding the poor yet your Bible tells you to do just that.”
– from The Crusader’s Dilemma by Dieter Upanishads
Toole assertion of sexual indiscretions reaches climax
Ageless scribe, Melvin Toole (102), has released his final hit list of women who allegedly made sexual advances and in some cases groped him in 2017. Included are Jessica Alba, Emma Watson, Penelope Cruz, Eva Longoria and Cameron Diaz.
Most of the women on Toole’s preposterous roster chose not to comment on the development while several lashed out.
”He sat there at Matteo’s in his too tight paisley pants,” said Cameron Diaz, laughing at the accusation. “Wrapped up tightly in a sweat shop Gap hoodie and matching sweat socks, representing everything I don’t look for in a partner.”
Toole scoffed at the reaction saying she does not remember a night back in either August or December when the two met at a fundraiser for Jerry Brown. The list goes on:
“Jessica Simpson, Megan Fox and Katy Perry acted inappropriately toward me in the summer. I hate being used, being seen as simply sexy and nothing more,” whined Toole. “I thought it was just a coincidence that these women had become aggressive. Then I realized they were networking and bragging about their exploitation techniques. How insensitive…How cavalier!”
One of those under the microscope, Kim Kardashian said, “I only had lunch with him because he had secured a table at Miceli’s. Having been warned as to the development of his table manners I wore a raincoat. Nothing kinky, just something I could easily launder after the meal was completed.”
Jenifer Lopez, Carrie Underwood, Anna Ivanovic…the list goes on. One well-known model from Apalachicola, who demanded anonymity, echoed the responses of the others.
“I once watched at him talking to himself across the largest plaza in South America and that was too close for me. These charges are ludicrous and I think most rational people understand this.”
“He’s a witless moron,” said “Selena Gomez who was not yet on the lust list at news deadline. “None of these woman would come close enough to that bozo to sign an autograph much less engage in misconduct.”
For more turn to Penis Inquisition Grows as more politicians and celebrities are accused of making improper advances toward others.
Horseshoe Open 24 Hours Over Holidays
Ouray) The San Juan Horseshoe will extend its normal hours for the December holidays. In a departure from closing when the sun goes down, the paper will keep its doors opened “all day and all night” so as to accommodate last minute shoppers, thirsty travelers and persons looking to get a last minute bet down before football shifts into fourth gear.
“We had to look long and hard at the possibility of staying open,” said publisher Kashmir Horseshoe from his cat-bird seat high above Box Canyon Falls. “The light bill is bad enough just operating during regular business hours. We need the butter and egg money just to get us to 2018,” he explained.
A hastily constructed reception desk will be manned by illegal aliens and other state risk suspects recently picked up by a Homeland Security sweep through the local Wal-mart parking lot.
“They’re a shifty bunch,” quipped Horseshoe, “but its next to impossible to get good help this time of the year.”
The Horseshoe offices affected are located adjacent to the Camp Bird turn-off south of town, and across from the Wimpton Mental Health Clinic in the Edith Bunker National Forest. A full Irish breakfast will be served.
– Phillip E. Bustier
Everyone will be 7 feet tall by 2050
Vertical Grant Allows Study
(Tiny Town) Researchers here insist that they have uncovered evolutionary patterns that will result in a much taller populace by the middle of the next century. Tracing their methodology to the ancient ones who once roamed this canyon, and submerging it with the tendency of children to tower over their parents, the scientists predict an average height of about 7 to 8 ft. tall.
“This will change everything,” said Melvin Toole, professor emeritus at the conveniently located Littleton Academy of Applied Genealogy. “Everything, from basketball hoops to door jams will have to be jacked up. The compact cars of the Nineties will give way to the colossal automotive dinosaurs of the Fifties and Sixties,” he stressed. “Basketball players will have to be more than tall to demand the incredible salaries of today, while second story windows will have to be raised to insure the privacy of dwellers. Mountains will look smaller to visitors and the tourism industry will suffer.”
Although Toole and his colleagues have been firing off projections like arrogant drunks at a side-show shooting gallery, they have offered no evidence that any tests have been conducted regarding this pressing matter. Upon examination, reporters found only mounds of empty pizza boxes and beer cans in what Toole referred to as his laboratory. One small room was crammed full of five and 10 dollar bills, apparently rat-holed from government grants. Outside of a ramshackle bunkhouse, where Toole’s support team is supposedly housed, stands a rough sculpture of two men. One is disproportionately tall and the other appears to be a dwarf. Toole refused to comment on the sculpture, saying it was “part of his secretive research and a matter of national security.”
“Any implication that federal funds have been misappropriated here in Tiny Town is an affront to the entire scientific community here in Jefferson County,” gasped Toole. “You might just as well accuse our boys over at Rocky Flats of lying about contamination levels, or the brave men and women at the Fed Center of stretching their daily coffee breaks!”
Most of the people invited to tour the research facility seemed confused as to what was being accomplished here. Many reporters simply laughed, shook their syndicated heads and drove back to Denver unable to file a story at all.
“You’ll all be sorry!” screamed Toole at the top of his lungs as the last of the press vehicles peeled out of his paltry parking lot. “They didn’t believe Marconi…or Copernicus either! And those boys were operating on their own money!”
-Yankee Doodle
“My country right or wrong: if right, to be kept right; and if wrong , to be set right.”
– Senator Carl Schurtz, of Missouri, 1876
Endurance Test #611
“I’ve saved almost $6679 on razor blades
“I’ve saved almost $6679 on razor blades since I broke from consumerism in 1990.”
– Ernie Leftzone, former highway superintendent, turned facial hair enthusiast.
Ernie knows. Let creativesurvivalist.com help you achieve bunker nirvana this week! We tell you what vegetables to grow by candlelight, how to avoid getting ripped off when purchasing toilet paper, where to get free air, when to harvest sea urchins for a little pocket money and who to trust during the stimulating days that lie ahead.
Be like Ernie and pocket a bundle for whiskey and cigars!
Photo by Hugh Manchu
Jardin Plaza Reopens Just in Time for the Holiday Season
Jardin’s Parque came alive today after the long months reconstruction have concluded. The whole town took note when the fencing came down. Last night marked the Night of Candles featuring homage to the Blessed Virgin and a frightening episode where four horses escaped down a main street narrowly avoiding collisions and catastrophy on the crowded crossroad. (Toole of the Andes Photo).
Jardin’s parque is now open again, heralding in the Christmas season. The Antioquian town, high in the Andies boasts one of Colombia’s finest plazas. Above we watch town crews remove the last debris allowing appreciative pedestrians to stroll once more. The square is surrounded by more than 25 cafes and bars with vender stalls dotting the cobblestone. (Toole of the Andies)
