All Entries Tagged With: "Rockies"
State mulls allocating DUI profits for 550 fix
(Denver) Department of Transportation officials today confirmed that the agency is considering the use of DUI profits to repair Highway 550 in Western Colorado.
The announcement, which reportedly caught many bureaucrats off guard, comes as a result of a spike in traffic fatalities from Montrose to Farmington, New Mexico. The highway, which was built to handle far less traffic than it accommodates today, has been called outdated, dangerous and often subject to serious congestion at rush hour times.
“There are lots of bad stretches beyond Red Mountain, Molas and Coal Bank Passes,” said one C-Dot engineer. Two-lane roads abound and are often negotiated by urban drivers not accustomed to lower speed limits, winter conditions and no passing zones.”
The sum of said funds, acquired through the enforcement of drunk driving laws, was not disclosed although insiders suggest that it is “quite a bundle”. No one in the extended gov’ment seems to know where the funds reside and what they were used for up until now.
“Even after everyone gets his cut we still have a surplus,” continued the source. “We have already spent an immoral amount on the militarization of police departments.”
Some small Colorado towns now boast of police departments loaded with armored vehicles, assault weaponry and arsenals that compete with the standing armies of small African nations.
The earmarking of funds for highway restoration is a complex maneuver requiring extensive study. This commitment to safety and well-being may require months of lunches, fact-finding vacations and closed-door contract bids.
“We owe a debt to the brave, albeit stupid, drivers who get behind the wheel after a beer or two,” explained the transportation source. Without them we wouldn’t be able to proceed on this life and death crusade.”
-Kashmir Horseshoe
YOGA PANTS AMENDMENT TIGHTLY CONTESTED
Opinion
With the passage of the once controversial Yoga Pants Amendment it is crystal clear that society has reached a point of diminished returns when it comes to fashion, good taste and trendy, pop-fashion statements.
The bill, passed by a slim margin in the House, bulled its way through the Senate resulting in a near disaster as it flew through an open window, crashing into a herd of food carts jockeying for position just outside the Capitol.
One vender, Mama’s Good Cookin’, was held hostage by male assailants in off-maroon yoga pants who demanded the nation return to its roots and reinvent imported chemical clothing made of inferior fibers in sweat shops. They then singled out anyone wearing Spamdex for further harrassment.
Screaming “This ain’t the land of cotton”, they employed a circuit of flying buttresses and remain dug-in across the hall from a Congressional dressing room once used by both John Wilkes Booth, Greta Garbo and Spiro Agnew at different times in their respective careers.
“Yoga pants are a privilege, not a right,” they shouted as the police closed in with tanks and small artillery.
In response to what the feds are calling a blatant terrorist attack, the White House declared martial law, prohibiting yoga pants in public places until the matter accepted by hostiles on both legs of the issue.
We were then reminded of the dire warnings spewed by martyred yoga pants rights activist, Chipper Putt (MA in mantric landscaping, burned biscuits and theological rectitude) who in his last moments at the stern imparted:
“First let me say that I have over 32 tattoos and 11 piercings and I am no fool. This whole yoga pants controversy is an embarrassing exercise in the waste of man’s intellect. It’s as if we were debating the circumference of hoop skirts.”
It’s like running across the Cliffs Notes to a rambling, soapy novel that no one would believe: A Russian agent in a red tie (blackmailed for past perversions and fiscal arrangements) manages to bully the US government on the backs of his less than erudite faithful who he will stiff in the end. The story will never sell because no one will buy it.”
– Pegleg O’Sullivan
And Snuffy Smith…
Can you sing the lyrics to the song inspired by this man and his horse? Hint: He came before the search engine and after the mustang.
Elvis Deniers to speak at CU in March
(Boulder) A travelling contingent of diehard Elvis agnostics will undress students and faculty here in late March despite complaints and threats leveled by opponents.
The thee-hour evening seminar is part of a weeklong program aimed at dispersing untruths about celebrities, liberals and telling the real story of American culture. The principles say they decided to begin with Elvis since he demands a lot of attention even from millennials and people not alive during the reign of Presley.
“We come to renounce the king,” blasted cheap speakers from SUVs parked around the stage to keep out angry critics who have pledged to disrupt the event. “Why is it that the left wingers have clear access to this podium but the right wing is banned from sharing its message? I thought liberals were for the egalitarian approach. Maybe not.”
The visitors plan to disavow the existence of Elvis, despite mounds of evidence that he existed. They insist that the radio payola people created him, contending that his ghost is nothing more than laughable and that people who still worship Elvis need reeducation or swift kick in the pants.
“If he is real then prove it,” pressed one Elvis denier in red, white and blue. “He was never here and he’s damn sure not coming back to gather his fans and spend eternity at Graceland. Many of his fans miss out on the beauties of life on earth waiting to be rescued by their hero any day now. How sad.”
– Pepper Salte
“If we all worked on the assumption that what is accepted as true were really true, there would be little hope of advance.” – Orville Wright
LIFT TICKETS TO BE REPLACED BY TATOOS
(Crested Butte) In keeping with a pledge to save paper and aluminum, Crested Butte Ski Mountain will replace the traditional lift ticket with a tattoo next year. According to a marketing source in Vail, the actual substitution will come in the form a tattoo to the forearm or in some cases to the forehead.
People who buy a Gold Pass will receive a gold tattoo designed to last through the April closing date. This tattoo will allow them to board lifts on any date during the season. Persons purchasing a Silver Pass will likewise receive a silver tattoo that slightly limits access to the mountain. TheBronzePasswillbereplacedbyabronzetattoo,inkeepingwithantebellum uniformity established in the first years of the operation.
Single and multiple day skiers will receive a temporary tattoo on the arm or leg when they arrive to ski. Designs likely to be popular include the ever-popular “Mom”, the multi-colored butterfly, “Hell’s Angels-Frisco” or various military insignias.
“There are no plans to tattoo derrières at this time although we have had a lot of requests to do just that,” continued the Eagle County source. “A lot of the ladies from Oklahoma would love to show the neighbors.
“Once again CB stands alone as the prototype of skiing in the 21st Century. Just wait until Aspen and Park City find out what we’re up to.“
Although sources here admit that things could get chaotic at first, they feel the new system has many merits. Beginning in June, several hundred tattoo artists from 17 states and 12 foreign countries will attend a week of seminars aimed a facilitating the move. Then, in July lift operators will undergo two weeks of concentrated instruction on the ancient art of tattooing. They will then prick and ingrain their co-workers with gold tattoos just for fun.
By August all employees will be tattooed and the slope faithful will be scheduled, not for pass photos, but for seasonal tattoos of their own. Even the drunks that hang out all day in the lift area bars will get tattooed. It’s that or they don’t get happy hour prices.
“We are certain the idea will fly,” said the source. “The tattoos will no doubt become status symbols and if the snow is scarce, one can still show off his or her design in the bars or on some faraway Caribbean beach.“
-Dude Skuldiver
“If I am a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being immensely over-educated.”
– Oscar Wilde
Participatory democracy 611
Can you make sense of the political jargon
Can you complete this telling formula?
X + Y + Z = _________.
X
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah
y
z
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah…