All Entries Tagged With: "Reindeer graffiti"

GIANT FRUITCAKE SCULPTURE ON LAST LEG

(Ouray) The massive fruitcake sculpture that has graced the beach at the Ouray Pool  for the holidays is falling down, according to underwater sources here. Conservative projections suggest that the sculpture will melt and/or have seriously eroded by the weekend.

     “Hey, it looked great while it lasted,” said a lifeguard. “One can’t expect something as fragile as fruitcake to last more than a few months up here. The daytime sun could burn the hide off a mountain goat and the nighttime temperatures would freeze the arse of a well digger.”

     The fruitcake sculpture has been a common sight around the holidays for decades since snowpack has been unstable and often present in insufficient amounts to construct more traditional Rocky Mountain snow structures.

     A committee of reluctant volunteers has been formed to study the feasibility of erecting next year’s fruitcake indoors so as to ensure longevity.

REINDEER GRAFFITI UPSETS LOCAL ELK HERDS

(Tomichi) The overnight emergence of gangs of leftover reindeer have never been taken lying down by local wapiti. This possessive species not only resents the seasonal invasion, which results in damage to the local ecosystem, but feels that the rowdy reindeer are setting a bad example for younger members of both herds.

     The most recent bugaboo centers on the miles of tasteless graffiti left all over trees, walls and roadways in the reindeer’s wake. The elk, backed up this time by longtime adversaries the mule deer, are calling for mass deportations. They say the reindeer would not belong here even if they were behaving themselves and that the graffiti and constant flashing of gang signals is only the beginning of the chaos to follow.

     “They are eating our pets!” cried one obese Liar Bull.

     A legal counsel for the elk told The Horseshoe that local herds do not appreciate interference on the part of “these invasive aliens”. Calling the reindeer “animals and thugs” he said that their recognized leader, an elf named Santa Claus, was no more than a two-bit warlord.

     Police have promised to monitor reindeer behavior but complain that they are frustrated by the situation in the courts and by chronic overcrowding in penal institutions.

     In a related story, there is still no word on the elf reconnaissance team that lost radio contact while on routine patrol in the Stinking Desert last Tuesday. The highly skilled group was sent out in search of a rare perennial cactus that is said to cure rampant stupidity when ingested as a potent tea.

-Pepper Salte