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(Crested Butte) The newly released Wikee Air Crested Butte trail running shoe is outfitted with an Al Gore liner, an aerosol cushioning system and advanced traction. It also has an innovative, built-in pooper scooper for use by the responsible mountain runner.

Developers of the shoe felt that since they were marketing it in alpine areas the design and use should reflect year-round mountain living.

“If there’s anything year-round about this place it’s dog tailings, as canine road and meadow muffins are often called locally, said one marketing agent from the big city. “We just hope all this publicity doesn’t bring more dogs to Crested Butte.”

The pooper scoop is reportedly built directly into the bottom of the shoe. It attracts the less than desirable substance then stores it for up to 24-hours before aroma comes into play. The subtle and environmentally sound addition is not visible nor will it influence the runner’s performance. In addition, it will not adversely affect the health of other animals, including deer and elk.

“Sure, we’ve seen lots of shoes that will effectively pick up poop but they’re not the answer since the stuff falls off at will, often at inappropriate intervals,” said a local source. “This product does it all and terminates the need for high altitude athletes to keep their eyes on the ground.”

A spokesman for Nike had no comment when asked to elaborate on reputed plans to create a soft-soled, vacuum loafer for 2023. 

“The trail shoes are a start but the chronic problem is irresponsible pet owners,” said one councilman. “Many of our newer residents think they are living out in the country and the inclusion of a dog in their portfolio is simply a logical step. What they don’t seem to realize is that Crested Butte is urban. There is no room.”

– Melvin Toole  

The inherent beauty of satire is that the target often does not have the skill set to be offended.

– Uncle Pahgre, Poor Farm.