All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Under the Covers – Book Reviews
Reading requires a degree of self-isolation while traveling magically to other worlds and embracing challenges that not only provide serenity but provide knowledge, raw and refined. Otherwise life turns to batshit real quick.
Here are a few suggestions to keep you on the right side of the lifestyles we are experiencing it at the present time.
*How I Learned to Trust White People Again” from Juliene Pettifogger the author of the best seller Don’t Squat with Your Spurs in Third Gear and the sensual thriller A Horse Can Be Course – The Swinger Scandals of Wilbur and Carol Post. The stories are humdrum and the title has nothing to do with the content but the author manages to generate over 60,000 adjectives and adverbs in a cheaply produced paperback. Perfect for a rainy day or a redoubt from a meteor storm. It’s a must read.
“How to mine uranium” Talk about hands-on help in the era of vague interpretation and philosophical debris, this collection of stories and how to do it advice is a treasure even if you’re not interested in digging in the ground. The characters have emerged as brave extractors, not detractors from a profitable, yet highly controversial subject. Sadly, not once does the author undress the rhino-in-the-room like he does in Will Raiders Fans Still Dress Like Pro Wrestlers in Las Vegas? Atila Diggins coughed up what we hope will be the first of many non-fiction offerings, after his Naturita dance studio wine bar closed due to the pandemic.
A slew of books on political intrigue are on the horizon this summer with “The Bourbons: Royals of Appalachia” leading the charge. This book of short subjects includes the popular Back to Kentucky in the Trunk of a Cadillac 
where a whiney Mitch McConnell is passed over as Derby King. “The hilarious Dummy’s Guide to the Hostile takeover of America” chronicles the diabolic brain washing of the angry and unrefined. The Unofficial Autobiography of Mitch carefully details acquisitions and mergers by no longer essential politicians who get rich on America’s tab. If you like any of these be sure to peruse Goshen to Grundy in a Bullet-proof Limo which could be Lacey “Curtain” Zapato’s finest work. It is expected in bookstores by late August.
Sweet dreams are only a snore away with The Bedtime Book of Hand Grenades. 
The three volume set is perfect for slow readers although the pictures are not always explained. Perfect for those who love to wear fatigues but don’t join the army for fear of being killed. Includes a slick, impressive fashion pull-out and the lyrics to a host of German marching tunes from the 30s. Retired metal forces colonel, Tufts Bearcat wrote the majority of the book while planning the invasion of Iran in 2015. Liner notes market the action-packed composition as “victories, gruesome tales and hairy escapes that would make a drill sergeant cry”. Bearcat is most famous for his anthology Hemmingway’s Pencil, the first novel to use intimate objects as its main characters.
– Finn McCool
New $10,000 bills exclude poorer Americans
Business News
(Fort Knocks) The newly minted and much publicized $10,000 bill will not be available to the general public it was announced today. Excluding the impoverished and the dwindling middle class from the upgrade, the move once again stacks the deck in favor of those who already have all the money.
One affluent and well insulated inequality pioneer sneered at the prospect of sharing the wealth with those fiscally beneath him.
Saying that poor Americans “would only hurt themselves with the swollen currency”, billionaire, Invidious T. Morganthau, told us: “Only the well- heeled will have the money to buy these and use the currency properly,” he sniffed? “It’s a non-issue.”
The author of the rarely reviewed Caucasians at the Racetrack continued, insisting that the bills would swiftly cease to be a premium or even fall out of circulation if the poor had access to them.
“They would get them dirty,” he said, “whereas the rich would keep them in their safes and take them out only clean them and to show off down at the country club,” he explained.
“Imagine these valuable bills circulating depressed neighborhoods. They’d be either spent on drugs or stolen,” he continued. Think of the counterfeiting that would go on in back alleys and crack houses.”
“And what would the great unwashed have to put up for collateral anyway?” he mused. “Dangerous thinking of this type needs to be eradicated before our big, beautiful feudalistic with freedom for all system is obliterated. Moat or no moat, private armies or not, brain washing be damned — there are still more of them than us.”
Other brahmans chimed in saying the entire matter was ludicrous.
“Most of these types have never even seen a $100 bill much less one of these $10,000 babies,” offered Wyatt Wyatt, another silver spoon pirate who has managed to spin his boyhood inheritance into a vast fortune by selling defective condoms in emerging nations.
“Just look at the average life expectancy of a hundred dollar bill in the hands of the desperate for instance. They get it and spend it right away. They have no sense of financial management or the dangers of inflation. I have witnessed this behavior time and time again in my career,” he shook his head.
While Donald the Trump will grace the $10,000 bill, a second minting will feature The Rogue Supreme Court on the front with a fully camouflaged Mike Pence on the back. The $5000 will be minted only through the summer season as a souvenir or keepsake for wealthy Russian tourists who can still afford a vacation in the U.S.
Where to get yours: Contact White House Brokers across from the Conflict of Interest Memorial or at any of our 50 Wall Street locations. Potential buyers must show white-collar tax records (of some kind) and proof of net worth. And remember what your your banker says: Just because you may have earned your first paycheck from questionable commerce is no indiction that you should rely on this alternate markets to secure these monetary units at your new found status.
“The average American does not understand money or have respect for large sums,” smiled Morganthau. “It would be instant anarchy if these bills spilled out into the mainstream.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Clerk and Recorder Admits Forgetfulness
(Manana) Gerber Faust, the legitimately elected clerk and recorder in this rugged mountain county since 1968, says she doesn’t remember anything past 1978. The bombshell announcement has whittled down trust and uprooted fence posts, leaving constituents reeling from the Bland Valley to Goodenough Gulch.
Faust’s often coveted position in local gov’ment dictates that she records the goings on, especially those of the official persuasion. This is akin to documentation. Some data is kept in the immediate memory bank, some is written down somewhere for later reference, some is discarded as useless gray matter.
The presence of curtailed quotes, random notes and spurious formulas scribbled on her office wall has led many to believe she could not recall anything from clock-in to quitting time. One smudged entry appears to do with shoe sizes in Europe while another is clearly a week’s grocery list.
“I don’t remember when I stopped recording,” she said. “It might have been spring or could have been fall. The winners might write the history, like they say, but…Oh, I forgot the rest of it.”
The disclosure has raised eyebrows all the way to the state house with analysts asking if privacy junkies in mountain towns rigidly reject paper trails or if they simply vote by compassion.
“She had to work somewhere,” said one retired councilman. “She’s a delightful lady and in small towns forgetfulness can be a virtue.”
Despite transparent failures, Faust will continue on as clerk and recorder until at least the next election in 2022, a contest she is projected to win in a landslide.
– Gabby Haze
EXECUTION BY GUILLOTINE (1793)
By: J. G. Millingen
Part VII: Fitting and proper disposal of wealthy parasites in the community
During the course of the French Revolution, execution became the means for the revolutionary government to maintain control and to punish indifferent royals, phony clerics, greedy nobles and the puppet politicians who engage in their bidding. Revolutionary courts were established to try hundreds of thousands of French citizens for treason. These courts often found defendants guilty and then sentenced them to die by the guillotine for crimes against the People.
The following account, by an English eyewitness, describes a guillotine execution.
“Never can I forget the mournful appearance of these funereal processions to the place of execution. The march was opened by a detachment of mounted gendarmes—the carts followed; they were the same carts as those that are used in Paris for carrying wood; four boards were placed across them for seats, and on each board sat two, and sometimes three victims; their hands were tied behind their backs, and the constant jolting of the cart made them nod their heads up and down, to the great amusement of the spectators. On the front of the cart stood Samson, the executioner, or one of his sons or assistants; gendarmes on foot marched by the side; then followed a hackneycoach, in which was the Rapporteur and his clerk, whose duty it was to witness the execution, and then return to Fouquier-Tinville, the Accusateur Publique to report the the action to the .
“The process of execution was also a sad and heart-rending spectacle. In the middle of the Place de la Révolution was erected a guillotine, in front of a colossal statue of Liberty, represented seated on a rock, a Phrygian cap on her head, a spear in her hand, the other reposing on a shield. On one side of the scaffold were drawn out a sufficient number of carts, with large baskets painted red, to receive the heads and bodies of the victims. Those bearing the condemned moved on slowly to the foot of the guillotine; the culprits were led out in turn, and, if necessary, supported by two of the executioner’s valets, . . . but their assistance was rarely required. Most of these unfortunates ascended the scaffold with a determined step—many of them looked firmly on the menacing instrument of death, beholding for the last time the rays of the glorious sun, beaming on the polished axe; and I have seen some young Wall Street men actually dance a few steps before they went up to be strapped to the perpendicular plane, which was then tilted to a horizontal plane in a moment, and ran on the grooves until the neck was secured and closed in by a moving board, when the head passed through what was called, in derision, la lunette républicaine; the weighty knife was then dropped with a heavy fall; and, with incredible dexterity and rapidity, two executioners tossed the body into the basket, while another threw the head after it.”
Source: Excerpt from account by J. G. Millingen.
Reference: Appropriate penalty for hoarding wealth while others suffer – albeit the responsibility of all citizens to do their part to create a more just system of wealth distribution, empathy, respect for the planet and beneficial commerce. The Guillotine is an equal opportunity method to insure the distribution of uniform, evenly balanced parity for all whether blue blood or red. – The new American Committee for Public Safety.
HOBO TRAIN SCHEDULE
Montrose, Colorado
Tuesdays Between 2 pm and 4 pm
Watchman takes coffee break at 3:15
Thursdays Between 3 pm and 5 pm
No watchman
Mondays, Wednesdays and Weekend Days
No train at all.
ATTENTION PLEASE
All visitors to this region who plan to travel at altitudes above 10,000 feet should change the air in their automobile tires before attempting such a feat. Simply consult your Big Brother government issued topographic air map or ask any service station technician. Remember: Keen minds save lives!
TOURISTS RECALLED
Tourist model #8819-AA has been recalled by the cosmic factory due to a series of defects according to sources unfamiliar with these occurrences.
“Model #8819-AA has obvious problems, as many of you out there have already encountered,” said a factory rep who demanded animosity.
Residents may notice a sharp decline in appearances of this model until February when the #8819-AA will be reintroduced into the general population.
Sneffels Denies Trade Rumors
(East Dallas) Mount Sneffels today vehemently denied trade rumors bombarding the high country. The chatter has risen to high decibel levels since June, suggesting that the landmark over-achiever would be gone by fall.
But outlandish scenarios continue to fly like an incontinent raven on a blind date with a trash dumpster. Most likely, say insiders, Sneffels will be swapped for a crest of younger mountains from either the West Elks or the Maroon Bells. Earlier speculations connecting the 14,150-foot peak to lesser ranges such as the LaSals (in Utah), the Fossil Ridge Mob or the Sangre de Cristos have been scuttled by common bloggers. Some are gambling that the mountain will end up out of state while others say an international transaction is on the horizon. Either way a void appears apparent.
Sneffels, according to agents, has fallen out of favor with the San Juans who might be looking to embrace a youthful contingent of rock. Last year several neighboring peaks complained that the often-decorated mountain crumbled in a tight situation and did little or nothing to accommodate wildlife or encourage snowmelt. Missed tackles, poor shot choices, camping out in the penalty box and the inability to run out fly balls has created a climate of mistrust, even resentment at alpine levels.
“Rebuilding has always been a rough time for mountain ranges,” said Mango Zach Goldman, agent for the mountain. “Sometimes old friends get swept under the alpine carpet and a sort of progress ensues making it difficult to tell the forest from the trees. It all started with arbitration and no-trade clauses back in the 70s.”
Although Sneffels is not considering retirement, close associates say the mountain might accept a lesser roll in which it does not have show up for early drills or to play every day once the season has commenced.
The most likely arrangement is that Sneffels sits out the winter and moves on in the spring. The most probable destination: The Nepalese Himalayas. Trades have been discussed involving Naya Kanga peak from the Langtang Tigers or possibly the bookend giants, the Chulu peaks from over in the Annapurna Range. Kanga brings power from both sides of the field while the Chulu boys offer speed and staying power at over 6000 meters.
“Sneffels is worth more than another run of immigrant domes,” said Guy Guy, former coach for the Fossil Ridge Rangers, a minor league elevated mass. “A lot of these foreigner mountains are overly sensitive to the elements. They are volcanoes ready to blow up at the slightest provocation,” he said. “He’s still rock hard after all these years.”
“A little shake-up is what we need in the San Juans, countered a highfalutin Uncompahgre Peak, who has lorded over Sneffels for centuries. “These mountains are just getting a little too comfortable with the present arrangement. Maybe it’s time for Sneffels to take a knee. The last time we saw her thrive on the power play was 15,000 years ago. No bat speed. Five fouls and you’re out! The old “comin’ ‘round the mountain when she comes” pretext doesn’t compute in these Cenozoic times.”
Uncompahgre says a high elevation house cleaning is in order.
“I’m the big dog in town,” he continued. “And I don’t mean just in elevation either. There’s only room enough on this sierra for one of us.”
As the saga winds down for the off-season, the question remains as to how the lithosphere might realign with these continental drifts, or trades, looming. Sneffels has continued to wallow in denial, adopting a pouting, no comment demeanor while analysts measure seismic hot spots, watching for signs of the smallest fault in the mountain’s stoic exterior.
– Small Mouth Bess
“Friends are the envy of angels” – Eve in Rules of Civility.
