All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"
Most Hermits Not Registered to Vote
(Powderhorn — You Can’t Find me Now Go Away Gazette — October 17, 2016)
The majority of hermits in this well-healed cowboy town remain unregistered to vote despite repeated visits by nosey people who believe in the electoral system.
Several of the hermits interviewed exhibited far-reaching knowledge on American political circus while others thought Dwight Eisenhower was still in the White House “somewhere high in the mountains over the rainbow and down by the deep blue sea.”
“These are men and women engaged in a spartan, almost monastic existence where they continue to practice a brand of sagebrush anarchy that has thrived here since the 1800s. It’s ascetic in one sense and austere in another,” said a neighbor lady who often brings them cookies and milk before bed.
“If these malcontents don’t vote, we don’t want to hear them bitchin’ in January,” said a longtime rancher and sometimes delegate to one convention or another. “It’s one thing to hide out and another to complain about it.”
Pollsters suggest that if all of the hermits in the United States voted we might elect a recluse as President for the first time since Millard Fillmore.
– Alfalfa Romero
“Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws.” – Karl Kraus
Horseshoe Endorses Canine for Animal Control Spot
(Colona, CO — Endorsement Papers Release — October 16, 2016)
An innate ability to locate renegade pets and get them off the streets swiftly and methodically is the whole ball of wax with fellow mongrel Ruff Paws, our choice for county dogcatcher in 2016.
This season’s Fur Party candidate blends the instincts and savvy of a classic insider. A keen sense of smell and remarkable knowledge of his prey sets Ruff apart from the competition. His on-the-job performance since 2008 qualifies him for the executive spot.
“The other dog catcher wanna-bees don’t bring this kind of resume to the table and many still climb on the furniture and run off when not tethered,” said one supporter who adds that she’ll vote for Paws hands down over the others.
“It’s almost like he’s one of them mystics, you know a seer…somebody that reads minds and can see through clothes,” said a woman who gave her name as Abbey, a professional dog walker over in Pinkeyville. “He’s inside their heads. He’s surrounded them.”
Whether he’s sniffing bushes or looking for the major bone we are assured that Ruff Paws will run a tight ship when it comes to four-legged delinquents. He’s tail wagging right for the position and we urge you to support this experienced trooper, this loyal servant. Vote Paws for Dog Catcher in November!
– Rufus Maxwell
Hunters Warned of Stoppages
(Spar City, CO The Rio Grande News Leaker October 15, 2016)
Most of the toilets out in the woods are severely stopped up after a week-ling super hero convention held near Santa Maria Reservoir and Bristol Head in Mineral County. Although authorities stopped short of pointing the finger, it is quite clear that the attendees regularly slipped out of their Spartan digs to enjoy the relative peace and luxury of camp ground restrooms.
Hunters wishing to enjoy the facilities in most of Colorado’s National Forests and state parks may find a little more than they bargained for behind the old swinging door.
“It’s a mess up there,” said one ranger. “Hopefully we can get the flow back before the big freeze shuts us down for the winter.”
The Superheroes, demanding anonymity, insist that none of the Bristol Head entourage had crossed the line. Many were angry at the implication. They blame the stoppage on deer and elk or an occasional pack rat.
“We know the difference between bear, lion and herd animal scat,” quipped the ranger. “This is something altogether different and on a mass scale something out pipes cannot accommodate.”
Although little is known about the digestive system or capacities of super heroes local police fear the worst. One officer told The Horseshoe that he actually saw throngs of these “men and women of action” enter a facility at Seepage Lake and overwhelm the facility in just moments.
“While there is nothing illegal about Batman or Wonder Woman using the john the condition of the facility was deplorable and criminal in the strictest sense of the word,” said the officer. “Hunters, even those armed to the teeth, should avoid these depositories until at least the combined deer and elk season in November.”
A spokesman for the Forest Service said the entire agency is bracing for a gala Donald Trump victory party slated for November 9. Many feel the potential damage
DOW Counting Sheep
(Powder horn No Camping Here News October 14, 2016 )
The Colorado Division of Wildlife will engage in its annual sheep count starting mid-November said a source in Denver. The yearly tally, focused solely on bighorns and not domestic woolies, is not expected to interrupt traffic flow although some hold-ups in remote spots may occur.
The idea behind the count is to determine how many bighorn sheep live here.
“We realize that these beasts often run away and hide when they see people, especially people with badges and uniforms,” said Hillary Gote, a registered pantheist from the San Luis Valley. “It’s OK though since we’re not planning to interview them. We only want to count them.”
Plans to tabulate sheep numbers from the air were harshly criticized by animal rights groups since the noise of intruding aircraft is said to create inordinate stress in the herds. The practice of tagging stragglers has also been condemned for the same reasons.
Hey, if you’re gonna make an omelet you’ve gotta break some eggs,” quipped Gote, “and since sheep don’t lay eggs we’ll have to bring home the bacon on our own.”
The DOW apologized for any inconvenience caused by the program.
“The state counts tourists, why shouldn’t we count sheep?” said Gote. “Besides, many of our bighorn clientele would be lost without these statistics. If you were a sheep wouldn’t you want to know how many more of you were out there?”
– Ripple Van Winkle
VENISON CAR WASH SLATED
(Norwood) The local chapter of The Protected Order of Venison will sponsor a car wash on Saturdays during October. The car wash will be offered from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. up and down Grand Avenue and at a second location at the bottom of Norwood Hill. The cost of the service is $10 which will go to the United Venison Collage Fund. Hunters are invited but reminded that a cease fire exists within the town limits. Other interested parties are encouraged to take advantage of the less than savvy automotive janitors by showing up with multiple vehicles and/or the week’s laundry. Advance tickets are available everywhere in town and in Redvale. All are invited to turn out and show your support for this worthwhile organization.
MEAT THE DEER NIGHT OCTOBER
(Montrose) The 2016 Meat the Deer and Elk Night will be held at Colorado Yurts Compound on South 4th in Montrose according to a source there. Each year a local business sponsors the social event in an attempt to promote fellowship and good standing between local herds and hunters from all over the world. Refreshments, including chili and oats will be served. Free information, including maps and a guide to local shops and services, will be handed out and a slide show will be presented. Last year’s event, held at Gunnison’s House of Good Spirits, was deemed a success by almost everyone involved. Just show your license at the door and have a good time!
– Small Mouth Bess
Forest Service Seeks Public Input on Pine Beetle Epidemic
(Ouray, CO — Bark Worse Than Bite Press — October 12, 2016)
Warm winter weather that has lingered for almost two decades is allowing mountain pine beetles to have their way with lodge pole, ponderosa, Scotch and limber pine trees all over the Rockies. For centuries the cold killed them off and kept the population in check but no more.
Now they are even munching on bristlecone and pinon pines. The Department of the Interior is alarmed and is looking for a solution.
“Our pleasant winter climate has allowed these bastards to flourish at the expense of our forests,” said one frustrated gov’ment biologist. “Traditional predators such as woodpeckers, moles. shrews, mice, skunks (they think the larvae is yummy) birds and frogs have dropped the ball somewhere along the food chain. Now it’s all on us and we don’t have a clue how to proceed.”
Rumors abound as to the answers. One anecdote suggests that a secret plan to release millions of unspecified or anonymous predators is in the works for November. Another says word-burning restrictions would be relaxed so as to clean up all the dead wood and avoid next year’s forest fires. Drones and robots have graced he mix with no visible changes and lots of misdirected tittle-tattle. According to a USFS statement:
Popcorn-shaped masses of resin, called pitch-tubes, which may be brown, pink or white in color, will be found on the trunk where the beetle began tunneling. Boring dust may be found in bark crevices or on the ground immediately adjacent to the tree base. Evidence of woodpeckers feeding on the trunk may indicate MPB infestation. Patches of bark may be missing where the woodpecker was feeding, and bark flakes may be found on the ground below the tree. These symptoms are similar to the other less destructive beetles, so property owners are urged to properly identify the beetles you find associated with their trees before deciding on treatment.
“Getting rid of these parasites is akin to ending ISIS,” said one Silverton man who favors carpet-bombing the national forests, “but you must strike at the core not just control the symptoms.
Other less drastic methods include replanting the regions with plastic trees or moving the whole shooting match to Nebraska.
– Melvin O’Toole
