All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

TOWN CLOCK TO RUN 24 HOURS

(Ouray) Thanks to a grant from the Daylight Savings Club the Ouray Town Clock will now keep time for the entire day. Due to a shortage of funds the time piece has been shutting down at approximately 4:12 am each day forcing city employees to reset the thing.

“It’s a dangerous climb especially in winter,” said an official here, “but the chore is also a rite of passage for the younger workers.”

Traditionally the employee with the least seniority inherits the task when the clock runs short of juice.

“Imagine the affect on tourism if the clock was stuck at 4:12 when the sun came up,” said the source. “It would ruin their vacations. Most would opt for Disneyland or Las Vegas instead of coming to Ouray.”

TOWN BUYS CYBER SPACE

Parking Should Improve Almost Overnight

(Crested Butte) Town fathers and mothers have reportedly purchase some 3,000 bites of cyberspace which will be turned into parking spaces by winter. According to the architects of the acquisition the space was cheap, compared to current real estate market appraisals.

“It’s a lot like mineral rights and dog poop under the snow,” said one proponent of the plan. “We all know what’s under there but it takes a cosmic reintroduction to create the desired results.”
When completed, the cyberspace will accommodate roughly 3,000 vehicles and generate an estimated $25,000 per day in additional parking fines for the town.

“Those funds will be kept under the bed and then used to buy more cyberspace in the future,” said one conceptual engineer. “We don’t want to be another anything. We just want to find a place to park before the end of the century.”

In addition to alleviating a major traffic problem the move could create 100 new jobs for valet cyberspace parking attendants and some 25 security personnel who will check “lift tickets” displayed by motorists.

“The benefits of additional space should be quite noticeable at peak times of the season such as festival weekends and the day the food stamps arrive in town.

– Rocky Flats

Going once…going twice…

You wanna see he fall colors up high? Better do it today.

Policy Toward China Based on Take-Out Menu

Fork or Chopsticks?

(Washington) The State Department today admitted that its official procedure for dealing with Mainland China from 1949 to 2017 has been based on an extensive Mandarin/Hunan take-out menu.

The 20-page menu, written entirely in Oriental dialects, was secured by CIA agents from the popular Golden Dragon Restaurant in Georgetown, just prior to the Korean Conflict. Defectors from the infant Maoist regime translated most of it at that time and recommended the garlic prawns with snow peas. Although Cold Warriors were convinced the items were displayed in code, time has proven that theory wrong.

“It was a simple Chinese menu…No substitutions, egg rolls extra,” said Fred Chow Mein, a former espionage officer, now employed as a lobbyist for Taiwan. “How anyone could have read more into this is insane.”

The original proprietors of the Golden Dragon, also named Mein, were deported during the McCarthy Era and the entire eatery was turned into a Wisconsin bratwurst joint. Then in 1954, with the fall of Joe McCarthy and the rise of ethnic appetites, the restaurant was reopened by a syndicate headed by Edward R. Morrow. It instantly became a hangout for journalists. The Mein family was brought back from Toronto and owns/operates the cafe today.

A State Department spokesman told reporters that, given the paranoia prevalent in the country at the time, it was quite feasible for the government to take the wrong path regarding diplomacy.

“Imagine the confusing messages sent to the Red Chinese about crisp Peking Duck alone,” she said. “I especially like the part where Douglas MacArthur threatens to cross the Egg Drop River with a fleet of amphibious wontons in 1951.”

– Susie Compost

Horseshoe interns caught making up verbs and conjunctions

(Merda Verde) Three summer interns at The San Juan Horseshoe are being charged with tampering with and abusing the English language. The action, performed clandestinely over a period of three months, was suspected after grammatical leaks and a plethora of new words started cropping up last week.

Discovered by night cleaning personnel, the contraband words had been hidden in a henway colloquial hamper until the time where they could be safely released into the existing language. Apparently creating bogus action words and sentence breaks came before employing the existing forms of communication, a felony in some academic and professional circles.

After two hours of cross-examination it appears likely that the linguistic pirates will plead guilty to the charges.

    While no motive was established, police found evidence that an attempt to dupe the public was foremost on their minds when the transgression occurred. According to one investigator the trio were not attempting to radically change literary society as much as to throw it into anarchy and leave it there.

“They have been purposely misleading the humble scores,” insisted a spokesman for the local district attorney’s office. “Imagine introducing scores of unregistered verbs and frightening conjunctions onto the shoulders of an already word-weary population.

Culturally speaking, the affront might have passed for the young reporters’ desire to get ahead in the competitive world of poor writing. All have admitted wrongdoing but say they need the expanded vocabulary to make sentences more powerful and to avoid the repetition use of the same words in their work.

Adding that they never intended their coined words and often highly contagious nouveau slang to fall into the hands of a mono-lingual caste, the three asked for lenience since none had paid back their student loans and feared a poorly punctuated debtor’s prison more than a dangling participle, metaphorically speaking.

“Syntax and sentence structure be damed!” said an unidentified senior editor at the Horseshoe. These are snotty novices with a J-School stamp. Powdered wig proportions!” he gasped, compound sentences  dripping from his scrolling lips. “

No modifiers! No hyphens! Not even footnotes! I say put them into a compound sentence and leave them to rot! Who do these pipsqueak elitists think they are adding and subtracting grammar at will, hammering a half-stuttered language to an early death!” quipped the above source.

The three yet to be named defendants are currently incarcerated on page 116 until further action is instigated.

– Daniela Diphthong

“There’s only two things that money can’t buy: That’s true love and home-grown tomatoes.”

– Guy Clark

Colorado to establish “Troubles Dumps”

(Denver) In a move to promote personal growth and general quality of life, the Rocky Mountain State has established the first of a projected 50 Trouble Dumps in population centers and at high risk locales.

Six initial Trouble Dumps are currently operating in test mode on the Confront Range where an advanced degree of trouble has been creeping around the mountain since bout 1975.

Experts contend that Colorado is sill the thinnest state and probably right up there is the happiest category too. This said leaders here hope to turn a progressive cheek and remain innovative when considering the well being of residents here.

“We want to stay on top and we do that by embracing cutting edge technology at every turn,” said a source in the governor’s office. “Whether the troubles of our residents are social, fiscal or even cultural, we will stand firm and respond quickly to issues that have plagued us for decades.”

The concept is really simple: Anyone who has ever been to the landfill or to a recycling center can dump their troubles without fear of judgment, observation or regression. Although bins are designated by “daily hassles”, “longterm bothers”, “lingering annoyances” or “unidentified anxieties” there are giant bins where a dumper can unload and abandon problems related to financial and political worries.

There are even bins in which to hurl unsuccessful diets, hair growing elixirs, scratched out lottery tickets, previously opened dairy products, worn out underwear, tamper-proof jigsaw puzzles, and cancelled credit cards.

“We hope to instruct the populace that while they sill encounter negative issues in their lives they have it pretty good compared to most of the planet’s population,” continued the gubernatorial source. “That’s where the tiny little trouble boxes and the unassuming designer bags on the fences are all about.”

The hitch-shedding facilities are expected to mushroom with the onset of winter season. Most will be open 8 to 3 with an early closure to insure daily mucking out of troubles thrown. The worries and tribulations will then be driven to undisclosed spots and buried with full honors attributed to any toxic waste or overwhelming personal strife.

The first Trouble Dumps to be established on the Western Slope are slated to to open by spring with state priority tags akin to highway maintenance and construction.

“Take a look at chuckholes on Interstate 70 and 25 and draw your own conclusions,” said the source. “It’s like taking a shower at the car wash.”

– Susie Compost