All Entries Tagged With: "Ouray"

Congress Must Declare Tips

(Fort Knox) Members of the United States Congress must begin declaring tips as of January 2019 according to the Department of the Treasury and the Federal Reserve.

The action comes on the heels of voter complaints that a majority of elected officials are treated like royalty when they are simply rich and spoiled. Most Americans feel that the Congress equates to chaos, descending into an untouchable body that often views itself as above the law.

Tips that now must be acknowledged include gratuities, gifts, donations, offerings, favors, rewards, grants, dowries, entitlements, endowments, drafts, credits, bonds, consignments, and accumulated fiscal considerations. Livestock and theater/sports tickets were not on the primary list.

In the past it was easy to hide these embellishments and rationalize tips as part of the job but no more! Now all benefactors must declare their gifts thus dropping a bomb into many common loopholes. In addition members of the House and Senate must now pay for medical insurance, limos, flowers, haircuts, neckties, jewelry and fact-finding trips to the Caribbean in February.

It is not known what the taxable sum of these tips but experts are placing it at around $4 billion per year.

“The income derived from taxing their tips could pay for national health insurance, physical infrastructure, better public education and school lunches for underprivileged children,” said Omar “Twenty” Percente, the Maryland accountant who is credited with originating what he calls the Just Deserts Petition after watching Congressmen take unfair license and claim countless concessions not nailed down by vague and vaporous laws.

“The termination of this theft should help level the playing field,” he explained. “In the future we might see fewer politicians entering the power arena in hopes of striking it rich at the expense of the American citizen.

Percente’s only regret is that he should have pressed the Treasury Department to render the shake-up retroactive to 1782. Then maybe we’d see a few honest politicians, at least until they figure a way around this recent action.

– Rex Mantaleone

Winter coloring contest

Yes, it’s the Uncompahgre Valley in late September. Can you color it white? Do so before the big snows hit and win a snow cat from the San Juan Horseshoe. Offer good with measurements over three feet accumulations. I myself am dreaming of a white Thanksgiving.

Colona man returns from Great Beyond

“It’s a mirror of this world. A bright, enchanted mirror. Everything is the opposite, a perfectly reproduced reflection. The abyss rather ominous, no?  No more madness – No more twisted sense of self.”

These are the words of an adventurous Colona man who claims to have visited another world after this one and returned to tell about it. It’s no surprise that skeptics have emerged, frowning and scoffing at the very idea of astral travel or out-of-body encounters.

Ripple van Winkle claims that he spent two weekends “up in the clouds” where he met with good souls and bad ones in an attempt to document the existence of afterlife locales and resting places along the road to our final destination.

“I came back in early September to get a fish-eye lens and some sox for all my new friends” smiled van Winkle. “It’s been chilly in the Evermore. “I will depart tomorrow by clicking my heels together and then hurling myself off the Butter and Egg National Bank Building on the Wimpton Roundabout. There are still good seats left.”

Despite the old adage: You can sleep when you’re dead…van Winkle says the saved may not get much shut-eye. “It’s no picnic out there. Someone has to haul water, chop wood, do the dishes, feed the dog, mow the grass, trim the clouds and perform guard duty.

“My travels have not exposed the dystopian or the utopian but rather a place similar to earth without guilt, jealousy, greed or expectations,” he explained. “I have tattoos to prove my story.”

Van Winkle said we should prepare for the arrival of highly intelligent aliens and that many are already here on earth as well as Mars and Neptune. He then shocked the assemblage by then sharing a “Message from the heavens”:

Hold on tight little fleas – the big dog is shaking her booty and wagging her tail. Mother Nature’s stark increases in crude bodily functions such as stooping over, bad teeth, bad hygiene, limping, cursing, chronic sneezes, farting, grumpiness, coughing and spitting, vomiting, nervous ticks, stroke, heart, murmurs, sporadic tears, hair loss and way more. Better get your money, canned goods, ammo and water in your bunkers!

The episode is seen by many as the first credible instance of departure from and return to a verified metaphysical ball that is orbiting through space. Whether it corroborates or discounts popular beliefs on the subject is anyone’s guess.

Van Winkle, who has no known motive for making up stories, is nowhere to be found this morning. A search was called off at noon before it began.

– Susie Compost

Nature Conservancy To Purchase Africa

(Sawpit) In an attempt to reinvent Africa local environmentalists have announced the purchase of the dark continent. The closing took place in Nairobi this morning.

“We figured this is the only way to save the continent, plagued by disease, starvation and almost constant warfare,” said Muffy Hollandaise of the Nature Conservancy. “If Africans would only adopt our way of life they might be able to turn things around.”

Hollandaise, who admitted her knowledge of Africa was based on Tarzan movies, expressed surprise and muffled denial when it was suggested that most problems originated with European colonization in the latter 19th Century. The new landlords quickly began exploiting the vast mineral wealth and restructuring national boundaries based not on tribal considerations but rather to fit their own white agenda.

Some colonizers were inhumane. Most were harsh. None were benevolent

“We wanted to save the elephants and the rhinos from poachers, not to mention the mountain gorillas from the valley guerrillas,” added Hollandaise. “Many of the species there are endangered much like the African-American population on Colorado Avenue.”

The madness there today can be traced to that period of colonialism when that world was turned upside down. It is hoped that the purchase will allow residents there time to reflect on how better to employ resources, feed people and hammer out a lasting peace.

The price tag for the world’s second largest continent was not disclosed but one Placerville realtor, Hector Dusseldorf, told The Horseshoe that the commission “was substantial”.

-Uncle Pahgre

“Yerra mister, I wouldn’t start from here. Why don’t you go somewhere else before you try to get where your going.”

– common reply in Western Ireland when people ask for directions.

Trump Uruguay Apartments Taken Out by Comet

(Punta del Este) A 26-story apartment tower owned by the Trump family is no more after a collision with a small comet this morning. The stationary edifice was hit head-on by the unnamed comet traveling at a speed estimated to be 2000 miles per hour. According to American Fear-Based Weather forecasts the comet was not expected until 2029. While the Trump property is in shambles no other destruction was reported in the vicinity as vacationers enjoyed the peaceful beaches. Stunned emergency workers, surveyed the damage and isolated the epicenter (or ego climate) and spent hours putting out fires before a ground blizzard (first one ever recorded in the LaPlata Region) forced them to take shelter in a nearby cafe not touched by the comet. Trump blamed immigrants for the damage.

House Approves Daniels

(Warshington) A split House reluctantly approved the hotly contested nomination of Jack Daniels to the Supreme Quart this afternoon. Daniels, a longtime Trump supporter, has no experience in government, but has made millions in the whiskey distillation business in his native Tennessee.

Now that the dust has cleared, supporters admit that opponents all but put a cork in the proceedings. Many are said to have favored George Dickel, a country-western singer from Oklahoma.

Many House Republicans bucked partisan lines to reject the appointment on the grounds that Daniels is uneducated and inexperienced. Washington insiders say the real reason for the hesitation lies within public opinion polls… The more conservative, Bible Belt constituencies would not like the idea of a sour mash king sitting on the nation’s highest quart.

A corn-fed filibuster was avoided when concessions were made that iced the nomination. The final vote was 106-86 with a host of abstentions. The action will now head to the Senate where it is expected to receive quick approval due to the presence of an open bar and scantily clad servers in the Capitol.           – Rocky Flats

“We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty.”

– Edward R. Murrow, Report on Senator Joseph McCarthy (March 7, 1954)